Chapter Nine - Sebastian
CHAPTER NINE
Sebastian
I’M HOLDING AN ice pack to my eye to try to get the swelling to go down as Kiera fusses over me. From my good eye, I can see Blake glaring at me. Owen stands up, grabbing their jackets, making the executive decision to leave this nightmare. I wish I could flee too. “Well this has been fun, but I think I’m going to go see if my sister is okay. Thanks for having us. Dinner was great.”
Kiera frowns, but doesn’t try to convince them to stay. Her hands are visibly shaking, and I can feel all of the burning questions they have. “I’m sorry. I can pack up some food for you if you want?”
Blake snorts immediately. “Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong, Kiera.”
“Blake, I didn’t…” I trail off because I can’t even try to say I didn’t do anything wrong. If they all knew what I said, they’d hate me more than I hate myself. Fuck. Why did Thalia have to follow me out there?
“You didn’t what, Sebastian?” she asks coldly as Kiera stares at me, also waiting for my explanation. I don’t have one for why the sight of Eric and Thalia bothered me so much I needed to remove myself from the room to feel like I could breathe .
“I’m sorry.”
Owen shakes his head at me, the disappointment clear in his body language. “After a while, Bash, the apologies are getting old.”
I know that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
They leave a few minutes later, and all I can do is replay in my mind what Thalia said after she punched me. I feel like I’m going to be sick.
Thalia said she didn’t say no. She said not right now.
I remember how hurt I was in that moment when she didn’t say yes. I know I wasn’t exactly thinking straight when we were talking outside the restaurant because it felt like everything I knew was crashing down around me. I spiraled into my fears and anxiety the more I replayed that moment of looking up at Thalia to see her absolutely horrified. When I came home, she wanted to talk, but I didn’t want to hear her excuses for why I wasn’t good enough for the future she had in mind so I told her to leave.
I didn’t think Thalia would listen. She never listens to me, and I think a part of me was testing to see if she cared enough to fight for us. Except that time, she listened and I didn’t see her again for months.
I thought we were on the same page. Sure, we hadn’t talked about getting engaged, but we’d talked about everything else. It was just another box to check on the list of our plans.
And then it wasn’t.
She didn’t say no.
God, and then I gave the ring to Kiera. I didn’t mean to. I had been planning to go ring shopping so I could propose to Kiera, but I never got rid of the one I bought for Thalia. After Thalia left, her ring sat in a drawer because once again, I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of it.
I was visiting Mimi at the nursing home that day, with the intention of asking her if she thought it was the right decision for me because what if she said no too? I got home that night to find Kiera sitting with the open box in her lap. She’d been doing laundry and found it. I panicked because I hadn’t told her about how I proposed to Thalia, and that’s why we broke up.
I didn’t even ask her because I was speechless at the sight of the cursed object, but Kiera started crying yes, and I didn’t know what to do. How could I explain?
Then I got the call Mimi had passed an hour later, and I didn’t have it in me to try to fix my mistake.
I convinced myself it was a happy accident because I was planning on proposing eventually.
I was an idiot to hope Thalia wouldn’t notice. She always had an eye for detail, even after only seeing it for a minute.
“Seb, what’s going on with you?” Kiera asks, re-entering the dining room after walking Blake and Owen out.
I set the ice pack down, trying to figure out how to explain tonight to her. “I don’t know,” I say, because it’s the truth. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve done everything I can the last three years to push Thalia out of my mind, but she’s everywhere.
“Well I don’t know either! For fuck’s sake, just tell me what’s going on without skirting around the truth because exes don’t fight like you and Thalia did tonight!”
I stare at her in shock because Kiera never raises her voice, and she hardly ever curses. Tonight isn’t only on me. I told Kiera for weeks that I didn’t want Thalia as our photographer, but she wouldn’t listen. She begged me, and it made me feel like I was failing by not making her happy. “Thalia and I are exes for a reason, and one of those reasons is that we weren’t on the same page! Nothing has ever been simple with her. I told you that I didn’t want her to be the wedding photographer because every time we’re together, it always ends up like tonight did. ”
“So this is my fault?” she asks, surprise and hurt clear across her face. I shake my head quickly because I don’t want her to think that, but I can’t shoulder all the blame when Kiera wouldn’t listen to what I wanted either.
“That’s not what I’m saying. I asked you to pick someone else, literally anyone else but my ex-girlfriend to photograph the wedding. It’s not your fault because I didn’t have to call Thalia and ask, but I did that for you.”
Kiera stares at me with her hands on her hips. “That is exactly what you’re saying. Do you even hear yourself right now? How was I supposed to know that tonight would go like this because you don’t ever talk about her? Not a single fucking word about why you broke up or your relationship. Thalia gave you a black eye tonight, so what exactly did you say to her because Blake and Owen didn’t look surprised by it one bit. Don’t you dare say it’s complicated because I think if you do then I might punch you myself.”
I open my mouth to tell her the truth, but I can’t do it. If I tell her what happened tonight, then there’s a very real chance that she’ll leave me. I can’t lose Kiera. Not when I’ve already lost Thalia.
She laughs in utter disbelief, backing away from me. “You know what? I don’t want to hear whatever excuse you’re trying to come up with. Just answer me this, do you still have feelings for Thalia?”
“I love you.” And I do. So much. I’m just confused.
“I know you do, but is it enough for you?”
~
Kiera has been ignoring me since our fight after the dinner. That was four days ago. I know it’s deserved because I was an asshole— actually, maybe I just am an asshole .
It hasn’t helped her best friend, Nina, has come up for a few days, meaning we haven’t had an opportunity to talk. I’d be stupid to think it’s not a coincidence that Nina’s here now. She’s never liked me.
I’ve kept busy with workouts, and then some shoe endorsement deal. The shiner Thalia gave me is refusing to go away. The swelling has gone down, but the bruising appears to be lingering.
Kiera and Nina are in the library, flipping through the wedding binder. I catch something about flowers, but they stop talking when I knock on the door frame to get their attention. I feel relief when Kiera continues smiling as she looks up at me.
I smile faintly back at her, but I don’t miss how Nina glares at me. “Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?”
She nods, getting up to follow me into the hallway. “What’s up?”
“I’m going to go stay at my grandparent’s house for a few days. Go visit Mimi, and get some repairs started around the house.” I need an escape where my mistakes aren’t constantly hanging over my head like a guillotine.
“I think a few days apart would be good for us,” Kiera says slowly.
I wish I could kiss her and tell her that everything is going to be fine, but the truth is, I need to figure my shit out.
I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, but I can’t deny seeing Thalia and Eric has thrown me into a tailspin. I shouldn’t be jealous of them, except I am. None of it makes sense to me.
“I’m sorry, Kiera.”
She chews her bottom lip, crossing her arms over her chest uncertainly. “I’m sorry too. I feel like an oblivious fool for inviting Thalia here since there’s clearly more to the story than you’ve shared, but I don’t even know how to ask you about it because I don’t think you would even tell me!” She inhales sharply, her pale eyes piercing right through me. “Seb, you need to decide what’s really important to you, and I don’t want you to come back until you know.”
The ring on her fingers glimmers, and I hate that the sight of it makes me nauseous. Thalia didn’t say no; she said not yet. If I had listened to what she actually said instead of how I took it, would Lia be the one standing in front of me right now?
“I love you,” I whisper, wondering who I’m trying to convince as I say it.
“I love you too,” Kiera says quietly, before walking away from me, shutting the door behind her.
Zeus follows dutifully behind me, jumping into the back seat of my Range Rover as I set my packed bag into the trunk. I’m doing the right thing by taking a few days. Everything will be fine after I set my head straight.
The drive to Greensboro feels much quicker than normal. Before I know it, I’m pulling into the driveway of my childhood home I inherited when Mimi passed last October. I’m starting to think I’m becoming a hoarder because I can’t get rid of anything.
Realistically, I should consider selling this house because I’m never here unless it’s for a few days around a holiday, or if I’m going to the Lewis’s. There’s a cleaning lady who comes by every few weeks to keep the house in order, and I pay a neighborhood kid to mow the grass for me. I don’t think I would be able to actually follow through with listing it .
There are so many good memories here from when I was a kid. Getting rid of it feels like erasing those.
It’s a similar dilemma to the house in Charlotte; I can’t part with it.
Shit, maybe I really am becoming a hoarder.
Zeus is busy checking out every corner of the house for new smells as I shut my phone off, tossing it onto the kitchen counter trying not to think about everything going wrong in my life. All of it ties back to Thalia Lewis.
I slip into my running shoes, because it seems to help me clear my head better than anything else I’ve tried.
I wish I could try to work through it with my best friend, but I can’t talk to Owen. He’s made it clear that he wants me to leave Thalia alone, and things are tense between us. Honestly, I’m surprised he didn’t also hit me after Thalia did.
I’m dripping in sweat and out of breath by the time I make it to Mimi’s tombstone. She’d know exactly what to say to me right now about the mess I’ve gotten myself into. Her gravestone is next to Grandpa’s so they could still be together. It’s inscribed with her real name: Mirabelle. Mirabelle and Alexander. They were so great together. My parents are buried on the other side of Grandpa.
My entire family is here.
I sit down between the stones, breathing heavily. I’d give anything to talk to any of them again. To have a memory of my parents that doesn’t feel like something I’ve made up. I want to ask Grandpa if he always knew whether Mimi was the right person for him, and to be able to ask Mimi what she meant when she said that only I could make the decision if Kiera and I were meant to be together .
There are so many things I wish I could ask her. Unfortunately, the questions I need answered most are only answerable by me.
If I’d just listened to Thalia—no. There’s no point in even going there. It’s been too long. Thalia and I don’t work. I’m fucking engaged to Kiera.
Except it wasn’t a lie when I said a part of me would always love her. I didn’t think she’d punch me for it, but if it was any indication of how she feels, it’s not the same. We’ve always been on two different wavelengths.
Thalia will always be the one who got away, and it’s too late to change that. The only thing that would change everything was if I had a time machine that could take me back to the night I proposed to tell myself to stay and hear Thalia when she said not right now .
Those three words will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I’m getting married. My wedding is in fifty-two days.
I love Kiera and I want a life with her. I want to be with her.
Maybe if I say it enough, I’ll eventually convince myself.