Chapter Nineteen - Sebastian
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Sebastian
MY BIRTHDAY PASSED uneventfully. Kiera got me tickets to an upcoming concert I’ve been wanting to go to, and I refused the blow job I was offered.
I miss my dog, but I can’t poke the bear by going to Thalia’s to see him. I did make a trip to drop off some of his things on her doorstep, but I can tell from her updates that he’s happy to be there with her.
Kiera and I are in a weird spot. It’s like we’re walking on eggshells around each other. When I got home from Greensboro that night, we talked everything out. I don’t know if it helped reassure her or not, but since then, Thalia hasn’t been mentioned a single time between us. It’s an unspoken agreement that we don’t bring her up, which has done wonders for our relationship. Without Thalia around, it’s easier to put the thought of her out of my mind.
We put an offer in on a house in a neighborhood near Owen and Blake’s. If everything pans out in the inspection, we’re planning to move in after we get back from our honeymoon. It feels bittersweet, but I think a fresh start is the best hope for our future. I don’t know how we can move forward with the ghost of my past relationship haunting every room I enter.
My workouts have been increasing with training camp coming up next month, in addition to the advertising campaigns my agent lined up for me. Kiera’s always gone with wedding stuff, or she’s starting to pack boxes for the move. I couldn’t even tell you if she found another photographer.
We’re two weeks out, and I’m feeling better about all of it.
I am worried that Kiera is pushing herself too hard trying to get everything done. The past few days she’s been exhausted and throwing up. I’m ready to suggest she shouldn’t go to her bachelorette party tomorrow so she can rest. They can always reschedule the girls trip for a later date.
I knock on the bathroom door to check on Kiera. I have to get going to meet Owen at the gym, but I don’t want to leave if she’s throwing up again. “Kiera? Are you okay?”
“Just a minute,” she calls, just as I’m about to knock again.
I head down the stairs to get her a glass of water, because I’m really not sure what else to do. Hopefully it’s just a stomach bug? When I get back to our room, Kiera is sitting on the bed, tears streaming down her face.
Worry immediately washes over me and I hand her the glass, sitting next to her. “Hey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” I ask gently, brushing her cheeks with my thumb.
She turns her head away from my touch, refusing to look at me. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. My stomach fills with lead, and immediate warning sirens start going off in my head. Did we have another fight that I missed? Kiera’s shaking as she wipes her nose on the sleeve of her sweatshirt. “I…I’m pregnant, Sebastian.”
My brain stutters as it takes a moment to process her words. Pregnant? She’s pregnant? “Really? Baby, that’s great,” I say, glancing at her stomach. Holy shit, I’m going to be a dad.
She inhales sharply, shaking her head. “No. It’s not.”
What?
“I thought this is what we wanted?” I ask carefully, because now I’m lost. This is what we talked about wanting. At the beach, she said she wanted to start our family after the wedding. A baby is a good thing. “Kiera, talk to me. Please .”
I reach for her hands, but Kiera avoids my touch by standing up. Her shoulders shake, and I hear the audible breath she sucks in. “It’s not yours.”
It’s.
Not.
Yours.
They echo loudly in my brain because it can only mean one thing.
“What?” I ask, the words threatening to stick in my throat.
She turns around to look at me with her crystal eyes shining, and lower lip trembling. “It’s not yours, Sebastian. I cheated on you.”
Each word she speaks is a knife to the heart.
Kiera slept with someone else, and she’s having his baby.
“When? ”
She wraps her arms around her stomach, and I can’t help but stare. She’s pregnant, but it’s not mine. “While you were staying at your grandparent’s house.”
I can’t help it; I laugh. “That was a month and a half ago.” I’ve spent the entire time since then groveling at her feet and trying to make up for hiding the truth about my history with Thalia. In that time, I bought Kiera a new ring and sold this house so we could start fresh in a new one, and she never said a single goddamn thing. The pieces connect in my brain, and I feel sick. “You weren’t going to tell me, were you?”
She covers her mouth to stifle a sob, shaking her head slowly. “I-it was a mistake. I’ve regretted it ever since it happened, but I didn’t plan to get pregnant. The condom must have broken. Seb, I love you. Please, you have to believe me.”
“Believe you? How am I supposed to believe anything you say? We’re supposed to get married in two weeks, and you’re pregnant with another man’s child!” I shout as my stomach rolls. She wasn’t going to tell me. I know I’m not perfect, but I never would have done this.
I know this is my house, but I can’t stay here, and even now, I don’t want to kick her out. I’m angry, but I’m not heartless. I stand up, walking to the closet to grab my suitcase.
“It was only one time. I messed up, Seb. I’m so sorry. You have to forgive me, please.” She cries harder as I start pulling clothes off the hangers to throw in my bag.
“You’re not sorry, because if you were, you never would have kept this a secret from me. You’re only sorry because there’s going to be a fucking baby in seven months. ”
“That’s rich coming from you. You have kept plenty of secrets from me our entire relationship! This house? The ring I wore for months that was for Thalia?”
You have got to be kidding me. I whirl around, unable to keep the hurt and anger out of my voice. “No, you don’t get to throw Thalia in my face for this. I have done everything I can to make that right, but the entire time I was apologizing, you were lying. Besides, I didn’t tell you about any of that until after you cheated, so why did you do it?” I demand, my patience quickly waning as I consider all the facts.
“Because I felt like an idiot seeing how you look at her even when you’re arguing! You couldn’t stand the sight of Thalia with another man when I was right next to you. How do you think it makes me feel to know that the man I love is in love with his ex-girlfriend?”
I don’t bother denying it. I’m complicit in the destruction of this relationship, but I can say that I’ve given everything I have to try to make it work. I open the drawers of my dresser, grabbing more clothes. “So fucking talk to me about it! Don’t fuck another guy while I’m out of town.”
“It was an accident!” Kiera yells, and I laugh bitterly. It was an accident?
“Oh, so you accidentally got naked, and then accidentally fell on another man’s dick? It really sounds like an accident, Kiera. You can say what you want about me and the mistakes I’ve made, but I’ve never tried to excuse them by calling them an accident,” I retort, shaking my head at her. “You can keep the ring, but I can’t do this. ”
She starts taking all the clothes I’ve put into the suitcase out as I put more in. “No, we can talk about this; we can fix us. I love you, even if a part of your heart will always belong to her. I’m okay with it, I’ve accepted it. Please don’t leave. ”
“There isn’t a this . You’re having a baby. We aren’t fixable because there is no more us.” I wrap my hands around her wrists gently to stop Kiera from unpacking my things. Saying it is hard, but it’s the truth.
We’re pieces belonging to different puzzles, trying to force them together. Maybe it’s my fault, maybe it’s Kiera’s, but the truth I’ve been avoiding is we don’t belong together.
“You’re leaving,” Kiera finally says, her shoulders slumping in defeat.
I’d only be hurting both of us more if I stayed.
“I’m leaving,” I confirm.
“I really am sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“Kiera, why didn’t you just fucking talk to me?” I ask, my voice breaking because I do love her. The only thing I was pretending is that I don’t still love Thalia. I wanted to marry Kiera, but maybe this all happened for a reason.
Believing that is the only thing that will get me through this.
“I don’t know,” she whispers, hiccuping as she steps away.
I bite the inside of my cheek hard as the gravity of the situation weighs on me. “I hope it was worth it. You can stay here until the sale goes through. I hope that’s enough time for you to figure out what you’re going to do.”
“Where are you going to go?” she asks, twisting her hands in front of her.
“I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”
She sits on our bed, crying as I grab what I can. I’ll come back for the rest later, once I know what’s going to happen. I’ll find somewhere, but I need to get out of here .
I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel right now? Is it bad to say that a small part of me is relieved I was given a way out?
Chris told me that he felt like he couldn’t live without Allie. I can live without Kiera.
She’s going to be fine eventually. I will be fine eventually.
For now, it just really fucking sucks.
~
The hotel I checked into has a bar, which is really great…until it isn’t.
I turned my phone off the second I left the house, and I’ve spent the rest of the day at this bar. I’m drunker than a skunk, but the bartender brought me a plate of fries to help me sober up a little.
A few people have approached me for pictures and autographs; I was polite as I could be. However, my engagement ended today because my fianceé cheated on me, and I’m piss drunk, so maybe I wasn’t as nice as I intended to be.
This feels eerily similar to when Thalia and I broke up, except that hurt a lot more in a different way. I wanted a life with Kiera, but the more I saw what our life was going to potentially look like, I’d started to change my mind. I think I was afraid to pull the trigger to end it, though.
The more I think about it, the more I realize we stopped doing all the little things that count. I never bought her flowers, nor have I ever really thought about doing it. I never forgot with Thalia. It was like clockwork for me. Kiera stopped talking to me. I don’t think I could tell you a legitimate conversation we’ve had recently besides that weekend at the beach that wasn’t revolving around the wedding or Thalia.
We stopped communicating, and being there for one another.
If I’d stayed blissfully ignorant, I don’t think I ever would have called off the wedding. We’d be moving into our new house after we got back from our honeymoon—wait, fuck, maybe I don’t move there now. Do I still have to buy that house, because I didn’t really like it? I only made an offer because I thought it would make Kiera happy.
I don’t know. I can’t think straight.
I miss Kiera. She was calming and nice—so freaking nice. Except, maybe too nice because she fell on another man’s dick accidentally .
What if I’d never found out? Would we still be walking down the aisle, and I’d be raising another man’s kid? In those brief seconds where I was happy about her being pregnant before everything turned upside down, it felt like a light at the end of the tunnel after all the problems in our relationship. It might sound silly, but it felt good .
The Uber I’m sitting in bounces over a pothole, and I’m starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t be going to Thalia’s house. It seemed like a great idea when I left the bar, but now I’m reconsidering it. I wish the bartender had said no when I asked him to order a ride for me. Those fries helped, but not enough to help me make good decisions.
Fuck, what am I going to do?
I lean my head against the cool glass of the window. It feels good.
I wonder if Mimi knew that Kiera wasn’t the one for me? Could that be why she gave a cryptic answer about how only I would know the answer to that question? Well Mimi, jokes on me, I got my answer!
The driver turns around to look at me questioningly. “Are you going to get out?”
I rub my face tiredly, looking out the window and seeing Thalia’s house. Oh shit. We’re here already.
“Yeah, I guess it’s too late to change my mind,” I mumble.
He looks skeptically at me now. “Hey, aren’t you—”
“No. I’m not,” I snap. Coming here is probably going to be another check mark on the long list of mistakes I’ve made in the last six months. I stumble out of the car, walking up the driveway carefully to avoid falling on my face.
I don’t think before knocking, because if I do, then I’m going to have to face everything that happened today. All I’ve been doing is thinking. Replaying every single conversation and interaction I’ve had with Kiera since I got back from Greensboro. So many things are adding up, and all I feel is stupid because I can’t believe I didn’t see it.
I’m frustrated because the door doesn’t open right away so I continue knocking until it does. The door swings open, and I almost fall forward, but I grab onto the door frame to steady myself. Thalia’s beyond pissed off, and I guess I didn’t even bother checking to see what time it is. That would’ve required turning on my phone.
Even pissed off, she’s beautiful. Her green eyes are bright, and her blonde hair is pulled back out of her face sloppily, but I’ve always liked her undone. The anger on her face warps into confusion. “Bash? What are you doing here? It’s almost eleven p.m. an—”
I’m not sure if it’s hearing Thalia say my name after pretending to be fine with Seb all these years, or that I want to stop denying myself what I really want, but I cut her off by leaning down to press my mouth against hers. Thanks to the amount I’ve drunk, my aim is a little off and I bump my nose against hers first. Thalia surprises me by kissing me back. It feels like a victory after four years, I’m finally kissing Lia again.
I’ve really fucking missed her.
Kissing Thalia feels like taking a breath of fresh air after drowning for so long.
Thalia pulls away abruptly, breathing shallowly as she stares at me in shock. “You are drunk. Oh my fucking god, you’re engaged, Sebastian. You can’t show up here and kiss me when we’ve been broken up for three years!”
“Four years as of two days ago. Lia, I… fuck .” I drop my forehead to rest in the groove of her neck. It’s awkward with the height difference, but I feel like singing and jumping for joy because I finally get to touch her. “I’m not engaged,” I whisper for the first time out loud.
I inhale the familiar scent of lavender as my head spins. I’m not engaged. I came to my ex’s house. What am I doing?
“What?” Thalia asks, staying very still.
“I called the wedding off. Kiera…she cheated. She’s fucking pregnant,” I croak out, stumbling over some of my words. “I left her.”
And very slowly, Thalia rests her hand on the back of my neck, stroking her fingers through my hair gently. “You’ll be okay,” she says soothingly, using a tone I haven’t heard from her in a long time.
I hold tightly to Thalia as if she’s my tether to reality, while tears start to fall for the first time since Mimi died. “I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry for everything; I should have apologized months ago. I should have tried harder to apologize again after Eric picked up your phone, and told me to leave you alone. I’m so fucking sorry for all of it, Thalia.” I’m a drunk, blubbering mess, but Thalia traces small circles on the back of my neck. It’s soothing and my guard is completely down. She’s the only person I’ve truly ever been able to do that with.
I can’t leave Thalia alone. I thought I could do it, but she’s the one I can’t live without. Why didn’t I fight for us?
“Thank you for apologizing,” Lia says after what feels like an eternity. “I forgive you. I’m sorry too.”
Thalia apologizing when she did nothing wrong doesn’t help me feel better. She pulls me into the house, shutting the door behind me to lead us toward the couch. I kiss her again, needing to have that sense of rightness just in case it’s the last time I get to do this.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
She turns her head away, cupping my face. “Bash, you’re drunk.”
“Say it again,” I plead, leaning into her touch.
Her face scrunches in confusion. “You’re drunk?”
It feels like there’s cotton in my mouth. “My name. Say my name again, please.”
“ Bash ,” she whispers gently, her eyes softening in understanding.
I lie down, resting my head in her lap. “Don’t make me leave. Please, Thalia,” I beg, feeling more tears slide down my cheeks, and she combs her fingers through my hair.
“I won’t.”
These are the things I know: Kiera cheated, she’s pregnant, I left her, the wedding is off, I love Kiera, I’m homeless, I still love Thalia, and I’m going to be extremely hungover tomorrow.