Chapter Thirty-Five - Sebastian
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Sebastian
I FEEL GUILTY arriving at the stadium every day. I feel guilty throwing passes to the rookie tight end we had to start playing because our season isn’t over just because Owen’s done. Hell, I feel guilty even stepping on the field.
Everyone on the team is feeling the loss of Owen’s presence. Not only was he a great player, but a great teammate off the field as well.
Seeing him in the hospital growing more defeated every day is hard. Then I feel more guilt because the woman I love is going to be okay when we’re not sure how much better Owen is going to get.
At least Thalia’s concussion symptoms are finally starting to go away, and her sling comes off next week, just in time for her birthday coming up. She’s going stir crazy in the house, but she started journaling, and I think it’s really helped her remember things.
With the season in full force, I’m spread thin across the board, and my already short patience is now threadbare. I ended up putting in an offer on the house Thalia loved with the marble countertops, high ceilings, and windows she couldn’t stop going on about prior to the accident. I didn’t have time to move, so I ended up paying a company to move my things I kept in storage from the old house into the new one so it wasn’t bare bones. Once Thalia is feeling completely better, and I have a little more time on my hands, my plan is to have us decorate it together so it feels like a home instead of a place I live.
The football leaves my hands, spiraling straight toward Reece, and he fumbles the ball, letting it slip through his fingers to hit the ground. It’s exactly what he did in last week’s loss, and I bite my tongue to keep my mouth shut. Coach whistles for us to run the play again, except this time it’s my fault because I overthrow it.
At the end of practice, I’m pulled aside by our offensive coach. “Walker, we need to talk.”
I pull my helmet off, tucking it under my arm. “About?” I’m drenched in sweat, and I told Thalia I’d pick up dinner on my way home.
“Reece. He’s having a hard time adjusting to his new role on the team.”
I can’t help, but shake my head. I don’t have time or patience to babysit the rookie, even if I wanted to. “We all are; it’s not an easy transition to make, let alone two months into the season.”
The older man gives me a pointed look, clearly not appreciating my tone. “I know it’s been a hard year for you. No one is denying that, especially with what happened to Lewis and his sister. You have to cut the kid some slack, though. He’s fresh out of college, and being expected to fill a spot his first season. It’s not his fault Lewis got hurt,” he adds softly, and I swallow the lump in my throat .
“Cutting him slack isn’t going to win us games. What are you asking me to do?”
“Neither is holding him to the same standards of a seasoned player,” Coach Hill replies, putting me in my place. “I’m asking you to reach out to the kid. Talk to him about whatever you think will get him to relax while he’s out here. You were put in the same position your rookie season; you should be able to relate better than anyone.”
He has a point; I do know better than anyone what it feels like, and it’s definitely not easy. We’re not clicking, and part of it is my fault. “I’ll talk to him.”
I assume that the conversation is over, walking off toward the locker rooms when he calls out behind me. “We’re not done, Walker.” I turn around in surprise, returning to where I stood previously, and Coach Hill’s face is softer now. “How is Owen doing?”
“Not great. He’ll be in the hospital until the rods are taken out of his leg. He’s angry and upset for good reason. Football was everything to him, and in the blink of an eye, it was snatched away,” I say honestly, and his face grows somber. One of the things I’ve been questioning since that day was if winning that game was really worth it? In the moment, it felt like everything. I was on top of the world. We had beaten our rivals, but then because of the win, Owen was hit by a drunk fan who lost a bet. It doesn’t seem fair.
“I hope he knows we’re all pulling for him.” Coach Hill pauses, shifting his gaze away before looking back at me. “How are you handling it?”
My eyebrows raise in surprise. That was the last thing I expected him to ask. “I’m not sure what I have to do with any of it. I wasn’t the one hit by the car. ”
Coach rubs the back of his neck, exhaling quietly. “I’m gonna be honest with you—a lot of people in the program are worried about you, including me.”
I don’t need anyone to worry about me. I’m fine. I can remember everything, I can walk, I can play the game I love, and I’m fucking fine.
“I’m not sure I understand? We’ve had a great start to the season, and not to sound conceited, but I’m playing better than ever. I worked my ass off through training camp, and I haven’t given anyone a reason to worry about me,” I reply calmly, trying to keep myself in check, but I hate the idea of people talking about me behind my back.
“Sebastian, no one is worried about your ability to play football. You’ve proven that you can play through anything. The concern is regarding your mental state. Have you been sleeping?”
Is this a joke? No, I haven’t been sleeping. I’m fucking terrified to sleep because of the nightmares that have me gasping for air in the middle of the night. A car accident killed my parents and the vague memories I have of it still haunt me. Then to see my best friend, who is more like a brother, and my girlfriend almost get killed by a car right in front of me? It’s enough to make anyone not sleep.
“I’m sleeping fine,” I lie through my teeth. I don’t have it in me to feel guilty either.
He looks at me disappointedly as if I’m a child being scolded for taking a cookie I wasn’t supposed to. “The bags under your eyes disagree. I hope you consider talking to someone.”
“Like a therapist? ”
“If that’s what you think you need to do. I don’t care who you talk to as long as it’s with someone you’ll be honest with about how you’re doing.”
I set my shoulders back, feeling myself get defensive about this. I don’t want to be attracting attention in that way. It’s been a rough year for me in the headlines, and it’s constantly lingering in the back of my mind that the front office is fed up with having to deal with it. I don’t need them worrying about my mental health in addition to it. “Is that all?”
Coach Hill nods, dismissing me. “That’s all.”
I walk to the locker room, avoiding the curious glances of my teammates.
I’ll figure it out.
~
I drop the bag of take-out Chinese on the marble counters of my new house as Zeus sniffs at it, wagging his tail excitedly. “Where’s your momma?” I ask him, scratching behind his ear.
He trots off into the living room, and I follow behind, finding Thalia sitting on the couch with her computer, so focused on whatever it is that she’s doing, she doesn’t notice me until I’m sitting down next to her. Coming home to her here already makes me feel a little better.
I press a short kiss to her cheek, my heart beating anxiously in my chest. I didn’t stop thinking about what Coach Hill said the entire drive here. “What are we looking at?”
“Pictures for the magazine. They were understanding regarding the delay given the circumstances, but they are needing me to fulfill my end sooner than later. How was practice today?”
I hesitate, trying to decide whether I actually want to open this can of worms. “It was fine.”
She looks up at me skeptically, shutting her computer to rotate to face me. “Bash, what happened?”
“I love you,” I say honestly, a lump growing in my throat.
“You’re scaring me a little. What’s going on?”
You can do this. It’s just Thalia. She’ll understand better than anyone that I’m not sleeping. “I’m not sleeping. I think I’m a-afraid to sleep,” I admit, stumbling over my words for a moment. She has enough to worry about with her own recovery, and Owen’s that she doesn’t need me bothering her about this. But, it instantly feels like a weight off my shoulders.
“Okay,” she answers slowly, chewing on her bottom lip as she thinks. It’s not often I see Thalia speechless, but I guess this is one of those rare occasions. “How long has this been going on?”
“Since the accident.”
I spend most nights holding Thalia, listening to her breathing to convince myself that she’s fine. It’s that, or I stare at the ceiling until exhaustion wins over, and I sleep only out of necessity.
Concern warps Thalia’s face, and she reaches to grab my hand instinctively. “That was a month ago. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t want to worry you. You’re just now starting to feel better, and Owen…” I trail off as she squeezes my hand. I want to shrug, and tell her to forget about this be cause it’s not a big deal. Except, I’m not sure I should. I’m exhausted pretending I’m fine.
“Sebastian, this is a relationship. I’m here for you, just like you’re there for me. It’s a two-way street.” Thalia smiles reassuringly, and a long sigh escapes me. She’s right.
“I know.”
I look up to see the remaining faint pink scar on her temple from where her stitches were. Normally it’s hidden by her hair, but it’s pulled back today into a clip leaving it visible.
“Why are you afraid to sleep?” she asks carefully, her thumb sweeping over the back of my hand, pulling me back to the conversation.
I explain every single thing to her, not leaving a shred of detail out, and Thalia listens to everything I have to say. Everything I’m afraid of, and how it relates to my parents, and I feel heard . She’s not judging me or making assumptions. She’s just listening.
I think that’s all I really want, and she knows that.
“What do you think? Should I…I don’t know. Do you think I should find a therapist?”
“Bash, I think you’re the only person who can make that decision.”
I take a deep breath, finally allowing myself to feel everything. “If you were me, would you? I don’t need you to make the decision for me, but I value what you think.”
She lifts her hand to cup my cheek, her green eyes analyzing my face. “If I were you, I would consider it. I know you don’t have feelings for Kiera anymore, but at some point, you did. What she did to you was terrible, and I don’t know if you ever really dealt with how that made you feel. I know you haven’t brought it up, but this weekend marks a year since Mimi passed. My brain hasn’t been cooperating lately, but I wouldn’t forget that. It’s been an awful year for you, and if you’re afraid to sleep because of nightmares…I don’t think seeing a therapist would hurt. Ultimately, it’s your decision.”
“Thank you,” I say, pressing my lips to the inside of her wrist. “I think I’m going to find one. I appreciate your honesty.”
“Of course. We’ll figure this out together.”
“I love you.”
Thalia’s face lights up happily. “I love me, too, but I also love you. There’s enough room in my heart for both of us.”
“Oh good, I don’t know how I’d compete with you,” I joke, laughing easily.
We’re good together. Despite everything that’s tested us, we still found our way back to each other. There has to be a reason for that. “Will you move in with me?” I blurt out the question I had planned to hold onto for a few more months, but if life has taught me anything recently, it’s that we don’t have nearly as much time as we think we do.
Her mouth falls open in surprise, but the worst she can say is no, and I listen this time.
“Woah, okay. You’re going to have to give me a second to switch gears, because my brain is still a little slow, so let me think.”
“Okay,” I agree simply. “I’m not expecting an answer today, but I wanted to let you know where I stand, and I want to come home to you every day. I’ll follow your lead, love,” I say, leaning back into the couch, fully prepared to give her as much time as she needs to think .
“Weren’t you supposed to bring home dinner, or am I making that up in my head?” Thalia asks, switching gears completely.
“It’s on the counter.”
“I really like the counters,” she says thoughtfully, and I raise an eyebrow at her, trying not to get my hopes up.
“I know.”
“And the windows are perfect…”
“They let in a lot of natural light.” I’m trying to be nonchalant, but honestly, my heart is beating so quickly in my chest, I don’t know if I should be concerned about a heart attack or not.
“Zeus really likes the yard,” Thalia continues, and Zeus tilts his head at us curiously.
“It’s a pretty nice yard.”
“Okay,” she says, getting up to walk toward the kitchen, swaying her hips slightly. What? Did I hear her right? Thalia looks over her shoulder at me as if she can’t believe I’m not following her. “Are you coming?”
“Um, what?”
“Well I don’t want to eat dinner alone in our house, but I can if you’re not hungry.”
“Our house?” I ask, testing the waters to see if that’s exactly what she means.
Thalia smiles, and I nearly trip over my own feet trying to get to her. “It makes sense. We’re together every night, and I really do love your bed—” I cut her off, unable to resist the urge to kiss her deeply.
She arches against me, wrapping her good arm around the back of my neck, kissing me back passionately. I can feel my pants grow tighter, but I try to resist every dirty thought that pops into my brain right now because she hasn’t been cleared for sex, and I’m not pushing any limits. Thalia moans quietly into my mouth, and my resolve nearly slips. She turns her head away, breaking our kiss. “I have one question.”
“Anything,” I reply quickly.
Her hand drifts to play with the chain around my neck, fiddling with it absently. “Do you actually want to live together again, or are you only asking because you feel vulnerable right now?”
I understand why she’s asking the question, but that’s not why I did it. “I’m asking because I love you, and I hate any second I have to spend apart from you. I bought this house because of the way you lit up when we walked through it, and I want this to be the place where we start the rest of our lives together. Lia, I want to fall asleep next to you, and I want to wake up holding you, even if it’s the middle of the night still. I want to hear your dreadful singing when you have headphones in, and even if you only want to be here for the counters, the windows, the tall ceilings, and for my very comfortable bed, I want you to call this your home.”
“Sebastian…”
My name sounds perfect coming from her mouth. I kiss her briefly, content with the knowledge that this is who I’m meant to spend my life with. “I’m not proposing, but make no mistake, Thalia, the second you tell me you’re ready, I will be down on one knee. Nothing about wanting to be with you is because I’m feeling vulnerable.”
“Then let’s eat,” she says, kissing me once more, sweetly.