Chapter 18
Julian
I stare at the polished wood of my front door, hoping that maybe this time, I’ll muster up the courage to go inside.
I do not.
A sigh slips from my lips as I step back, allowing myself a moment of respite before I make my next attempt.
How long could this go on, really? I’d already been out here for five minutes, and by Goddess’s grace, I wouldn’t make it ten. Right?
I hope not, because this isn’t just embarrassing anymore. It’s shameful.
I’m the one who preached about talking it out when things got weird, and in a turn of events, Aiden’s the one sticking to that agreement while I completely disregard its existence. It’s not that I want to, I just hadn’t been prepared for what we’d done. Or really, how I’d reacted to what we’d done.
I’m an alpha, the leader of one of the strongest packs in this corner of the world, and I lay on my back and spread my legs for another alpha to rut against me.
My embarrassingly quick end was bad enough on its own, but worse was that I didn’t loathe the memories.
I want more, so much more, and I have no idea how to deal with acknowledging that.
If it were just me, I’d spend weeks, if not months, pretending nothing happened, but it’s not just me anymore. There’s Aiden. Aiden, who wants to talk about it.
Groaning, I pace the small stretch of my doorstep one more time.
I have to go inside. I can’t keep hiding—I’ve reached new lows trying to—it’s not fair to him.
So, the only option is to bite the bullet.
Otherwise, Aiden would take it for me, and that isn’t an option—not when he hadn’t done a single thing I didn’t want that day.
Stopping my fruitless pacing, I face the door and square my shoulders. Time to face the music. It won’t be pretty, but this is my mate—this is Aiden. I can do this.
When I finally step inside, Aiden doesn’t jump out in an attempt to corner me. The front of the house is just as I’d left it this morning, and uncomfortably empty. I toe my shoes off while I peer inside, but there’s no sign of Aiden other than the rag hanging off the edge of the couch.
Ears twitching, I find his heartbeat and it draws me down the hall, but before I get far, Aiden comes barrelling out of our room. He stops mid-step with his hand over one wrist, faltering at the sight of me while my heart leaps in my chest.
“Hey,” I whisper, and that seems to break the spell.
“Hey,” he greets as he carries on. He walks straight by me, heading for the shoe rack.
“What’s going on?” I ask, turning to follow. It’s then that I notice that he’s dressed up, wearing jeans instead of sweats, and his shades are on.
“I’m heading out.” He grabs his black boots and barely glances at me as sits on the edge of the couch to work the knotted laces out.
“Out?”
“Yeah. Emitt wanted to go out, so we’re going out,” he replies dully. I stiffen uncomfortably, and he adds, “Don’t worry, I’m not expecting you to come. I know you don’t like leaving the pack.”
My lips part to voice that I don’t like either of us leaving our packlands, but I don’t manage anything because his shoulders are stiff, and he isn’t looking at me. I can’t even blame him.
Sooner or later, he was bound to get fed up with waiting for me. Fed up with me clinging to him one minute and avoiding him the next. I kept messing us up, and now Aiden is basically running out of the house.
My chest tightens as I step forward, fingers twitching to reach for him. I’m so used to touching him now that it feels weird not to, but I don’t know how to get back to normal with how far I’d pried us apart.
What can I say to make Aiden happy?
“I’ll come with you,” I blurt before I have a chance to rethink it. Aiden looks up at me, and I’m sure his eyes are just as wide as mine behind those lenses.
“You want to come?” he asks, his disbelief practically wafting off him. “We’re heading out of the pack, Julian.”
“I know,” I reply. My twitching hands grab the cloth off the couch to keep busy, but I jolt at how unexpectedly cold it is. Aiden’s thick brows dip before he hastily shoves his remaining boot on.
“You don’t have to come,” he grumbles almost angrily. “It doesn’t make sense.”
“Why not?”
“‘Cause I know you don’t really want to be around me,” he snaps, making me stiffen in front of him. “We both know you’d just be forcing yourself.”
“I won’t. I’m not,” I manage around my suddenly clogged throat, but he doesn’t look at me. Why isn’t he looking at me? “I’m not, Aiden.”
He scoffs as he wraps his laces around his knuckles, pulling them tight. “Sure.”
“Aiden, I just—” The words trip as I watch him lace up his boots.
It’s like I’m watching an hourglass run out of sand, knowing he’ll be up and gone the second he’s done.
“Look, I’m sorry, okay. I’m struggling with everything right now—with us.
” Aiden’s hands keep moving, knotting the laces.
“A month ago, we hated each other, and now we’re mates.
Intimate mates. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it all, but that’s just me. Not you.”
Finally slowing, he sits with his gaze fixed on his boot. He’s so quiet that I barely catch his steady heartbeat before he gets to his feet with a sigh.
“Alright,” he huffs.
“Alright?” I repeat. That’s it?
“Yeah, alright. I get it,” he replies with a shrug. “I figured that was it. I understand.”
I narrow my eyes. He doesn’t sound like he’s lying, but he doesn’t sound like himself either. He sounds rigid, and as I eye him, I realise his body is the same—all tense, as if he’s straining against himself.
“Okay,” I whisper while my mind reels. “I’ll get started on dinner then. I can make the burgers you like?”
“Thanks, but I’m still heading out,” he replies, his expression unreadable as he faces me. My fingers tighten around the rag. He must see something on my face or feel it in the bond because he sighs again. “I’m not mad at you, Julian. I just need to get out tonight.”
Get out? Why? To get away from me? He said he wasn’t mad, but what else would make him want to “get out”?
“I’ll see you later, okay,” he says, already grabbing his car keys from the counter and heading for the door. He’s really leaving.
I rush after him, only just catching the door before he can close it behind him. His weighty stare pins me through those cold lenses, dark and challenging, but I don’t flinch.
“I’m coming with you,” I say, forcing the door open so I can step through. “With you guys,” I add, hoping to play it off.
He studies me for a few long seconds before he heads down the walkway with a muted “whatever.” It only deepens my worry.
Shutting the door behind us, I run to fall into step beside him until we’re forced to split to get into his car. He revs the engine and peels out as if something is chasing us. I focus on his hands as he drives, on the way they strangle the leather of his steering wheel.
“Emitt wanted to invite Isabel and Beckett,” he says, but his eyes remain on the road. “You want to give them permission to join us?”
“Sure,” I say, tugging on my seatbelt. “It’ll be safer.”
Aiden only grunts, pulling his phone from his pocket. He calls a gleeful Emitt to update him on their plans. It is safer for us to be together, and I figure the more the merrier, but is Aiden inviting them to keep space between us?
My insides squirm uncomfortably, and it has nothing to do with passing through the barrier’s magic.
How do I fix this? How do I stop my mate from being angry with me when he has every right to be? Aiden said he wasn’t mad at me, but it doesn’t feel like it. The bond is clogged, and the suffocating air in the car is no better. I can barely breathe around his muted rage.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper when I can’t stand it any longer.
The car slows as he flexes his fingers. “I’m not mad at you, Julian,” he says into the quiet. “I promise. I just …” Another long sigh, this one heavier than the rest. “I had a bad day.”
I feel my brows dip. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” he dismisses quickly. He shakes his head before I can push. “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to have a night away from all the pack shit and blow off some steam. That’s it.”
I bite my lip to stop myself from asking all the questions that crowd my throat. I have no right to press, not after two days of avoiding him because I wasn’t ready to talk.
“Okay,” I say instead, earning a surprised glance. “What? You’re teaching me how to have fun, remember?”
That gets a snort. He merges onto the main road, and it’s different at night, more lights and more cars. I try not to think about the fact that we’re outside of the pack at night. If I don’t think about it, then I can pretend it isn’t really happening.
Yeah, I’m dreaming. This is just a dream.
If this were a dream, we’d be fucking our mate, Alex inserts, earning himself a prompt shove to the back of my mind.
“Sure, Jewels,” Aiden chuckles, and my heart does that annoying fluttering thing. “Lucky for you, Emitt just wants to get food and a movie. Nothing above your limited capabilities.”
I roll my eyes and don’t bother protesting. He’s finally acting like himself, even if it’s his more annoying self, and if being social is the price I have to pay for it, then that’s fine with me.
It’s a while later that Aiden pulls into a crowded lot lined with a handful of shops with bright lights and the strangest names. He squeezes into a space between two massive trucks while I peer at the main building.
“Emitt’s in there with the others,” he says, tugging the hand break up.
“Already?!” I baulk and he laughs.
“You think I drive crazy? You should see Emitt,” he replies while he digs around the car, searching for Goddess knows what. “That morning you were with us, he was on his best behaviour.”
I shudder. He leans over to rummage through the glove box, then slams it shut with a curse. “He’s introducing them to his babies, and then we’ll get back on the road again.”
“His babies?”