Chapter 45 #2
Julian’s there, lying against me, head tucked against my neck. His body is tangled with mine, all the way down to where our legs are woven together. A knot of limbs and warmth.
Like a bowstring released, I feel my body relax completely for the first time in weeks. My mind empties and my chest expands with a full breath. I don’t think, I just tighten my hold on him, drawing him closer.
He snores faintly, oblivious to the way I breathe him in. Every soft exhale brushes across my throat, and with each one, his scent flares—familiar, grounding, intoxicating.
Before I know it, I’m nuzzling into him, coating him in my own scent like instinct demands, and my soul swoons. I shiver slightly, nuzzling him with more persistence until he wakes.
Yawning, Julian’s eyes struggle to open and I watch his long lashes flutter. He shifts, stretching himself out before curling back against me. His eyes drift slowly, and it takes him a moment of glancing around before he finally looks at me.
First, there’s relief—so much of it that I feel it like my own. Then, there’s panic—panic that I’ll leave, and panic that I’ll be angry. They blend together, making him shift nervously while his grip on me tightens.
“I’m sorry,” he manages after a moment, though he makes no sign of moving. “I just couldn’t sleep.”
“It’s fine,” I mumble as I sit up and carefully ease out of his hold.
He lets me go, not fighting me, but I feel his eyes on me until the bathroom door blocks me from view. I stand there a moment, hiding in the shadows of the dark room. The door’s cracked open, letting in a strip of light, and I can’t seem to catch my breath.
Need, hurt, desire, pain, and longing. They all war inside me. But it’s the longing that wins because every time I taste it, it reminds me of why I crave it in the first place.
I brush my teeth and wash my face, going through the motions before I brace myself to face him again. I’m in a better state of mind, I think, but that goes out the window the moment I see Julian cooking.
“You shouldn’t be standing,” I say as I rush towards him.
“I’m fine,” he replies with a barely-there shrug, cracking eggs into a bowl.
I hover, waiting as if he might drop at any second, but Julian stands tall and continues his prep as if I’m not even here. I stare at him until the worry fades and something warmer takes its place instead. Something that reminds me of how wonderful it always was to watch Julian cook.
He always said he hated cooking, but he never fooled me. He did it all the time, with extra care and a small smile on his lips. Over the months, I’d become addicted to watching him in his secret element. I loved watching him like this. Still do.
Goddess, I missed his smiles. I missed them so much. I missed his laugh, his scolding glare, his never-ending warmth … his touch.
“Are you going to come back home?”
I blink quickly, focusing my mind with effort as Julian glances at me from over his shoulder.
“When I’m better,” I say.
His eyes narrow. I spot confusion first, and then all the waiting sadness. He turns back to the eggs, whisking harder.
“I don’t know how long it’ll take,” I continue quickly, but I waver on the next part before I add, “so you should head back when you’re well.”
Julian tenses, his hands coming to an abrupt halt. His breaths turn shallow, and I’m almost grateful for the mercy of not having to face him as I force out the last bit.
“The pack needs at least one of us there, and you’ve already been gone too long—”
“No.”
When he turns to face me, his eyes are so cold it makes my skin itch.
I swallow. “It wasn’t a suggestion, Julian.”
“It’s not an option either,” he snaps viciously. “I’m not going back without you, Aiden. I’m not leaving until we fix this, no matter how long it takes. I’m not leaving.”
“Julian—”
“Don’t Julian me,” he voice cracks with fury. “I’m not—You have no idea what it’s been like without you. You weren’t there. You were here while I had to spend every day in our home without you.”
He’s seething now, emotions uncapped, and there’s no putting them away.
“Do you know what it’s like to be surrounded by pieces of you and not have you?
” His voice wavers. “To hang onto anything I could find with your scent on it just to feel close again? What it’s like avoiding the spaces you used the most, because I know you’re not there?
” His eyes glisten. “It was hell, Aiden. Hell.”
I can only stare at the floor, shame finding me, and he keeps going.
“I’m not going back. Not without you. End of.”
He turns, bracing his hands on the counter as he tries to catch his breath. He stares down at the half-beaten eggs, and I stare at him.
My lips part, but nothing seems right with this guilt tormenting me.
Being apart from Julian hadn’t been easy, but it’s becoming increasingly clear how much harder it was for him.
I’d felt empty without him.
He’d shattered.
And I understood why. I left him in the home we’d built together, chosen for our future, without me. And I’d left him to endure that for weeks.
“I’m sorry,” I manage. “I wasn’t thinking.”
Julian scoffs a laugh. “No, you were thinking—thinking about the pack, about you. You were thinking, just not about me.”
My next breath is a choked one, strangled by the regret that doubles in my chest.
Before I can get another apology out, he abandons breakfast and turns to face me. His pain hits me all at once. Pain I now realise he’s been pushing down for me.
“It wasn’t only me, Aiden.” His lips tremble, but his eyes are hard. “I know I hurt you. What I said was awful. But you really hurt me too. You just left.”
“I know,” I mumble, but he shakes his head.
“No, before this—before we fought, before what you said about Oliver.” I duck my head, but he barrels on.
“Before you left the pack. Before all of that, you left me, Aiden,” He presses a trembling hand to his chest. “You wouldn’t speak to me.
You’d barely look at me. It was as if everything we were just disappeared for you. ”
My shame mounts, heavy and inescapable, but I don’t look away. He deserves that much.
“I was upset, and hurt, and I didn’t know what to do. And with everything going on that day, I took it too far—I know that, and I’m sorry. I really am,” he vows, and the blue in his eyes dilutes with misery. “I hurt you, and I will do whatever it takes to make up for it. Because I love you.”
Tears well as he looks at me, begging me to believe him and furious all at once.
“I love you so much it hurts when you’re not around, and it hurts even more to think that some part of you doesn’t believe that I do, but Aiden—” he pauses, his shoulders sagging, “you really hurt me. And I am sorry, but this isn’t going to work if I’m the only one trying here. ”
He turns then, abandoning the eggs where they are, and walks out.
And just like that, I’m alone again—in the silence we built together.