Chapter 46
Julian
The air outside is too clean, the scenery too perfect for a world that feels so disoriented. I sink my face into my palms to stifle a groan.
Why couldn’t I have just controlled myself? Why couldn’t I ever control myself?
My first morning with him, and I already lashed out. I came here to make up with Aiden, not point fingers. But Goddess, how could he tell me to return to the pack alone, as if I hadn’t barely survived the weeks without him?
It was a stupid thing to say, but reacting was even more foolish. If we were bad before, then we’re surely regressing now.
I risk a glance at the makeshift home, both scared and desperate to catch a glimpse of him, but there’s no movement beyond the window. Sighing, I drop my gaze to the bloodroot flowers beneath me and pluck them idly.
Do you think that was too far? I ask Alex gently. Nothing. I just couldn’t keep pretending like I’m not hurt, too.
Alex is as silent as he’s been all morning, not even stirring to spy what might be happening now.
Alex, I call with gentle prodding to the dimmed bundle of light that he usually bursts from. Alex?
My heart sinks like a stone in water as only resounding silence answers. Forgotten petals slip from my fingers as I sit up, searching for him in the dimness that our mind and body had become, but it’s like reaching a hand out for someone in a tornado.
Alex! I try again, and I can hear my own desperation. Maybe it’s a result of the spike of fear that I feel doubling in my chest, but it’s enough for the glow of his presence to flicker in answer, just enough for me to know that he’s still close.
I exhale in a relief, but it’s short-lived.
I’m losing him.
Our wolves are meant to support us, to be our spine when we falter. Alex had been that for me—strong, loyal, unyielding. He tried to hold us together when Aiden started pulling away, but once Aiden left … how could he keep us standing when things felt so terribly hopeless for so long?
Even the strongest buckle under too much weight. And Alex had buckled.
“Julian?”
My head jerks up. Just the sound of Aiden’s voice steadies me before the sight of him does, but thoughts of Alex remain at the forefront of my mind. I can’t lose him.
Aiden crosses the meadow quickly, slowing only when he reaches me under the shade of the looming trees.
“What’s wrong?” His thick brows angle down while his gaze sweeps over me.
Everything.
I want to sob the answer out because it’s so obvious. I want to scream it, to free it from where it’s caged inside of me, but I don’t. I swallow the urge and the tears that won’t fix anything, and focus on what I should do.
I need him to forgive me. If he could do that, if we were together again, maybe Alex would heal too. And that would be worth living with a few unhealed wounds.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, eyes fixed on the blades of grass being crushed beneath his feet. “I shouldn’t have blamed you earlier.”
The words taste like poison, but I swallow the bitterness and wait. Aiden lets the silence speak for him, though I can’t decipher its meaning. I wrap an arm around my bent knees, and clutch the flowers beneath me.
When he finally moves, he ignores the way I tense as he sinks into the space beside me. He settles close—far closer than he’s let himself be until now.
“You shouldn’t apologise,” he says after a moment. “You were right.”
This time, I have to look at him, if only to be sure I heard him right.
Guilt harrows his features, twisting them into something quietly shameful as he risks a glance my way.
“I left you before I even came here,” he admits, confirming my earlier accusation. “I sank into my own shit, and I hurt you.” His dark eyes search mine with so much sadness. “And then I hurt you again with what I said about Oliver.”
My gaze falls to the fist at my side, and I keep it there.
“I’m sorry, Julian,” he continues, leaning closer while I tuck my chin into my elbow. “I am so sorry.”
I nod, hoping the action is enough to make him stop.
I know he’s sorry. I knew it even when he’d first said it. He didn’t mean it. He was hurting and scared, and when Aiden felt scared, he lashed out. I could forgive that. Over time, I know I could, but I can’t speak about it right now—can’t forgive it now.
Thankfully, Aiden seems to recognise that, because he stops. He lets the silence return, and this time neither of us breaks it.
The wind drifts between us, cooling our skin with the sun’s heat gradually growing warmer.
It’s so simple, sitting here like this, that I can’t help but wonder why we don’t do it more often—just sit and relax. With all the lands under our name, the opportunities were endless, but the moments weren’t. There was always something to be done, someone to appease. Always something.
“Oliver didn’t want to be alpha.”
Aiden’s head turns the moment I speak, but he stays deathly still besides that slight movement.
“He used to tell me all the time how much he hated it, how he didn’t think he could do it,” I continue, spilling the secret I’ve never shared with anyone.
“He was perfect in front of everyone else. Never complained. Always sure of himself. but when it was just us …” I shake my head, lowering my voice.
“I think he was sadder when he smiled more.”
I didn’t realise at first. I thought he was just frustrated when a day of training didn’t go well, saying things he didn’t mean. But even then, I knew—knew Oliver.
“Our pack teaches that the wolves who depend on us come first, then other packs, then nothing.” I pause, repeating the words that shaped us both.
“Oliver didn’t like that. He liked everyone.
He wasn’t afraid to leave the borders—he wanted to.
Like you.” My lips twitch a little at the memory.
“It wasn’t about sneaking out to have a good time.
He wanted to learn, to speak to every creature he could—witches, vampires, humans. He never cared what they were.”
“He felt bad for the rogues,” I mumble even as the words stick in my throat.
“He always said it wasn’t fair that so many were cast out and condemned to madness, just for disagreeing with their alphas.
He thought there had to be a way to help them before they broke.
” A small, brittle laugh escapes me. “Ironic, isn’t it?
That they’d be the ones to tear him apart. ”
Aiden pulls me into him as the first tear falls.
“I’m sorry, Julian,” he whispers, his voice as shattered as mine. “I’m so sorry.”
My heart clenches painfully as I cling to him. It helps, the words, because I know he’s not just apologising for the loss of Oli, but for ever mentioning him in the first place.
“I’m sorry too,” I urge as I lift my head enough to meet his dark eyes. “For what I said.” He starts to look away, but I duck my head to keep his gaze. “No matter how hurt I was, I shouldn’t have been so cruel. Not when I know there’s a reason behind how you feel about the rogues.”
His jaw tightens, but he nods quickly, forcing himself to swallow past whatever spark of resentment makes his eyes darken for a moment.
“I was going to tell you,” he says stiffly, each word seeming like a struggle even now. “I still want to. It’s just … hard.”
“I know.” I exhale slowly. “Is that why you hid the rogue hunts?”
Aiden stills, straightening as if I’d just curled one of my claws beneath his heart—struck something vital.
“I’m not angry.” I blurt. “Or I’m not angry anymore.” My hand slides over his. “I was when you lied the first time, claiming you went to meet your father when you were really out killing rogues.”
My tone hardens as I hold his startled gaze. “I got angrier and angrier when it happened again, and you, one—tried to hide what was going on in my own pack, and two—lied to me about it.” I stop to breathe. “But then I watched.”
He pales. “You what?”
“Once,” I admit, tightening my hold on his hand to keep him still. “And I saw enough to know you didn’t enjoy it. You looked …”
“Go on,” he encourages when the silence lingers for too long. “If we’re talking about this, no point sugarcoating it.”
“You looked like you were chasing ghosts,” I finish in a careful whisper. “The rest of the wolves were excited by the kill. You just looked desperate, like you needed to get rid of them before they could get rid of you.”
Aiden’s gaze shifts down, settling instead on our hands. His thumb curls over his index finger, pressing hard against the knuckle. I frown as I ease it open.
“Aiden.” I take his face in my palm, bringing his watering eyes to mine. “It’s not just hatred, is it?”
Red flickers through the brown of his eyes. He’s scared too, terrified at what I’ll see without his permission. But he also seems relieved. Maybe to finally have someone really look at him. He shakes his head, barely.
I don’t have the full picture yet, but I know my mate. I see him.
“I’m sorry I lied,” he whispers, fingers tightening around mine. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it.”
“It’s okay,” I promise, cupping his cheek, offering him the same comfort he always gave me. “It’s okay.”
“I shouldn’t have left you,” he whispers, and the words are like a soothing hand, stitching something back together in me. “I just … don’t know how to talk about it. It’s—” he shakes his head. “It’s too much, Julian.”
My heart breaks as I wrap my arms around him, taking over for him so that he’s cradled against me while his back heaves.
“You don’t have to tell me now,” I say into his hair. “Just know that when you do, I’ll listen to every word. I’m always on your side, Aiden.”
“I know,” he whispers on the edge of a sob. “I’ve always known that. That’s why I don’t know how everything fell apart like this.”
To hear the same thing I’ve pondered for weeks spoken aloud makes my chest feel heavy with new sadness. We were so good, and then so bad, and it happened so quickly I could barely put together how.
“We learnt how to hurt each other before we learnt how to love each other,” I remind him while I card my fingers through his hair. “In a horrible way, it makes sense that when we felt cornered, that’s what we reverted to.”
He pulls back, stares up at me with wet, dark eyes.
“What?”
“Nothing.” He shakes his head, a small smile creeping on his lips. “Sometimes, I just … I forget how fucking brilliant you are.”
Heat fills my cheeks as I try not to squirm, but it’s hard, especially when he’s looking at me like that, with something other than sadness or misery. It’s been so long.
I’d gotten used to being the centre of Aiden’s world—his joy, his focus, his desire—and I wanted that back desperately. I was so set on getting back to before, I never thought different could still be good.
But as he looks at me now, it’s not the same. It’s steadier, grounded in trust.
“Goddess, I’ve missed that blush,” he says, amusement making him brighten all over even before the sun shifts to shine solely on him. “I’ve missed everything about you, Julian.”
My heart stumbles and doesn’t try to right itself. “I’ve missed you, too,” I reply longingly, shifting closer. “I’ve missed you so much.”
Something in him relents, softening as he takes a mirrored hold of me. His strong fingers slide through my hair, scraping over my scalp, grounding me as his soul slowly reaches for mine.
“I really do love you, Aiden,” I whisper, threading the promise. “More than you could ever know. When I say those words to you, I mean them.”
“I know,” he says after some time, and I almost sob with relief. “Nothing felt right, back then, when it was all happening, but I know.” He peers at me, lips twitching. “I know you love me.”
“Does this mean you forgive me?” I ask, just barely managing to get the words out.
I don’t want to push my luck, but I can’t take this—us being so close, if he’s going to pull away again. But Aiden doesn’t pull away.
The warmth in his eyes rivals the sun on my back.
“Yes,” he says, lifting a finger between us. “But only on one condition.”
“Anything.”
“Can you forgive me too?”
Aiden blurs before my eyes, becoming a wobbly version of himself as a shaky smile breaks through my tears. My body moves on its own, sending him to the ground as I barrel into him. His chuckle rumbles against me, or maybe that’s just me and the way I’m shaking.
Aiden hugs me back, letting his arms slide around my waist with an unrelenting grip that annihilates any thoughts of him ever letting me go again.
“Jewels,” he half-groans as he pulls me back so he can wipe my cheeks. “When did you turn into such a crybaby?”
I laugh, but it’s a wet thing that only gets worse when I touch him, really touch him, so that I can relish in the electric sparks that run between us.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble, unable to stop with the sheer happiness coursing through me. “I-I just love you so much.”
“I love you, too,” he says it without hesitation, and Goddess help me, it wrecks me.
I bury my face against his collarbone, right over his mark, as our bond grows lighter between us, mending.
I never thought I’d need someone’s love this much, or that I could have it, but I do. I have Aiden and he makes me feel whole in every way—like I am and could be more than I was. The world is brighter with him around, and I hate living in the darkness when he’s not.
Drawing back, I try to regain enough control over myself so that I can speak. Aiden smiles as I do, brushing my hair behind my ear while he looks at me like he used to, the love so evident in his eyes that I just want to kiss him.
“I know we still have a way to go,” I say, brushing my fingers along his jaw, “but thank you. For still loving me.”
“Julian,” he whispers, smiling. “No matter what happens, I’ll always love you.” I watch that smile shift into a familiar smirk. “I’ll never stop loving you Jewels.”
With a sob, I press my forehead against his, my soul brightening at the sound of our hearts, beating in sync again.
I have my mate back.