Chapter 48
Julian
“What do you say to us getting out of here?”
I look up, meeting Aiden’s waiting gaze. The axe resting on his shoulder mimics his panting breaths, but even dripping with proof of his body’s exertion, there’s still a lax smile on his face.
“Get out of here?” I echo with a frown.
He couldn’t mean home. He’d said it too casually to mean that, and other than yesterday when I’d snapped at him for even suggesting I go back alone, he hadn’t mentioned home once.
“We need more supplies,” he explains, burying the axe in the stump in front of him. “Food and shit. There’s a human town nearby where I restock if I have to. We can grab an early dinner while we’re out there.”
That sounds nice—normal—like a date. And after weeks of being anything but, a little normal sounded tempting. But that would mean leaving here, and here is where I got Aiden back. Here, it’s only us. And right now, I need it to be only us.
Alex needs it to be only us.
A cold dejection settles over me as he remains quiet, deepening the misery that seems to grow with each passing minute.
“I don’t want to,” I mumble the words as I drag my legs out of the sun, hugging my knees to my chest.
“Come on, Julian,” Aiden says, abandoning his workstation to come to me.
My heart flips as I watch his approach from beneath the tree’s shade.
“I don’t see why we have to,” I argue, squirming as he grows closer until he’s standing right in front of me. He squats down with all the muscle and confidence I’m sorely lacking and fixes me with those dark eyes.
There’s something in them I’ve noticed all morning. He knows something’s wrong. He just hasn’t asked yet, and I’m hoping he won’t.
“Are you afraid of going somewhere new?” he asks as he settles a hand on my knee. “Does it make you nervous, heading out so far from home?”
I shake my head. Oddly enough, that hadn’t even crossed my mind. The world outside the pack wasn’t as scary as it used to be. Being mated to Aiden had encouraged me to dip my toes into the unfamiliar waters. Then, having to find him had forced me to dive the rest of the way in.
If I could run that far on my own, I could handle a human town.
“Then, why not?” he asks, head tilting. “We’ve spent the last few days in the middle of nowhere. Isn’t it driving you crazy?” He smiles as he rubs my knees. “I think it’s time we got out.”
“Then let’s go home,” I mumble. Aiden tenses. I pretend not to see it.
“Not yet,” he says, still smiling, but it no longer reaches his eyes. “Date night will be good for us.”
It would be. It would be really, really nice to escape everything for a night and just enjoy him again—enjoy us.
What do you think? I ask Alex, trying to seek him out. It could be nice, right?
Nothing. I don’t know if he hears me. I don’t even know if he’s listening anymore.
I thought finding Aiden—earning his forgiveness—would bring Alex back. But it hadn’t. Aiden and I weren’t perfect, but we’ve been moving in the right direction. Somehow, it still isn’t enough.
Alex? I try again, prodding the dim space where his light used to burn. Silence answers.
“You alright?”
My lips part at Aiden’s voice.
No. Something’s wrong with Alex.
I want to tell him. I want to tell him everything—how long it’s been since I’d spoken to Alex, how scared I am, and how that fear only grows the longer this goes on. But that would make it real, and I can’t handle it being real—not after everything.
“I’m fine,” I say instead with a smile. “Just got lost in thought.”
Deep down, I know what’s happening. I’m on the verge of being separated from my wolf.
As a werewolf, that couldn’t happen. We worked as a unit—the wolf’s mind and the human’s soul.
It was what kept us alive and sane, two parts of a single entity, balanced only by coexistence.
Otherwise, how could a beast operate as a man, or a man as a beast?
But Alex’s light … his soul … everything was dimming. The worst part is I can’t even remember when it started. I was too lost in my own sadness, grieving so deeply, that by the time I found Aiden I’d already started to lose Alex too.
Aiden’s gaze lingers on me, but he nods, letting it go while it haunts me.
I don’t want to lie to him, but I don’t want to worry him either.
We’ve only just started fixing us, I can’t heap more weight on his shoulders.
Besides, we only really made up yesterday.
Maybe Alex’s quiet is just nerves. He just needs time to see that Aiden and I aren’t going to fall apart again, and he’ll be back, making fun of me and being the best wolf ever.
“Okay, let’s do it,” I say, and Aiden’s smile is back to being the radiant thing that burns all the cold away.
“That’s what I’m talking about!” he cheers. “We’re gonna have the best time, Jewels.” He lunges forward, forcing me into a hug.
“No! Aiden, no!” I groan as I try to shove him back. “You’re sweaty and gross!”
“But then, how will you get all my love?” he murmurs, rubbing himself against me like a dog and pressing too-wet kisses wherever he can reach.
My groans mix with laughter as I fruitlessly try to escape him. “Aiden!”
“Yes, my love?” he asks, batting his eyelashes for that last bit. I gag in response, which only makes him laugh as he finally lets go and allows me some air.
Arms raised in disgust, I glare at my deviant mate. He rests his chin on my knees and smiles up at me like some innocent puppy.
“Now I have to shower again,” I complain.
“That’s alright,” he says, his smile shifting. “We can just shower together.”
I still. Suddenly, it’s too hot, even in the shade. Aiden watches me quietly, his eyes carrying their own heat as his pheromones rise.
“We can,” I agree quietly.
Aiden hums his pleasure and he inches closer. My eyes widen; I stare at him like a deer in headlights. We’ve showered together plenty of times, but that always ended one way—a way I really liked, but one we hadn’t revisited since I found him. And that wasn’t for a lack of trying.
Aiden’s been trying to inject some type of intimacy into our mending relationship, but I’ve been the one holding back. I want to. Goddess knows I want to but …
A wrecked sound pushes past my lips as Aiden’s brush against them. He pauses immediately.
“Julian?” he whispers, pulling back.
Goddess, I’m ruining everything. Maybe that’s why Alex is fading away. He knows I’m a lost cause.
“Sorry,” I whisper, clutching my knees, digging my fingers into my skin.
“Hey, no,” Aiden says quickly, catching my hands and pulling them away. “Don’t say sorry, just tell me what’s wrong.”
Something’s always wrong. With me, with us—because of me. I’m the problem.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble again, looking away. Shame ripples through me, threatening to drag me down to Alex’s depths, but Aiden lifts my chin before I can make the descent.
“Stop apologising,” he states firmly, his warm eyes telling me that he means it. “Just talk to me. What’s wrong, Julian?”
The words stall on my tongue, threatening to stay there along with my other secrets. They are so many now that they’re starting to choke me.
“I’m scared,” I mumble under my breath.
“Of what?”
“Of everything,” I whisper, half hoping he doesn’t hear, and it can remain a secret between me and the open air. “But mostly … I guess I’m scared you’ll never trust me again.”
“Julian …”
“I want to touch you, and kiss you, and be with you, Aiden,” I say, fighting the swell of emotion. “But I can’t do that—I can’t be intimate like that with you if you don’t trust me.”
I pull my chin from his grasp and bury my face into my arms. “I want you. I want you so much, but I can’t.”
I contain the rest of the spillage inside me. If I let him love me the way he once taught me it was okay for an alpha to be loved, and he still couldn’t trust me the way I trust him, I’d really break.
So I hold it inside with all the other oiled feelings, while I hide in the dark fissure between my bent legs.
“Julian,” he whispers, as his hand settles over my head. He palms it gently, his touch so full of love it makes my heart break. “Julian, I trust you.”
“No, you don’t,” I say, biting my lip to stop it trembling.
“Yes, I do,” he dismisses. “If I didn’t trust you, I never would’ve let you stay when you showed up here. If I didn’t trust you, I would’ve never gotten this far with you … I would’ve never fallen in love with you.”
Leaving the safety of my knees, I peek up at my mate, needing to know those words are true. I look at him, not in his eyes, not yet, but at him.
“I trust you,” he repeats, emphasising each word for me.
My heart swells, trembling in its confines, and my fingers itch to touch him. His hand finds mine before I can muster the courage to reach for him, enveloping it in a protective hold.
“I … I don’t think we’ll ever go back to how we were,” he says carefully, “but I’m hoping we’ll come out of this better.”
The ache in my heart teeters towards something almost hopeful. “What if we don’t?”
Aiden’s eyes flit between mine, and for the first time, I see my own fears reflected back at me. He’s scared too, terrified of things never feeling like they did before, or becoming worse. But Aiden’s never had a problem with being brave.
“I’m trying to think optimistically,” he says with a big grin. “I hear it’s good for the soul or some bullshit.”
A laugh tumbles out of me and his dark eyes glow with pleasure.
“There he is,” he whispers, his smile softening as he releases my hand to cup my face. I lean into the touch, nearly purring at the gentle warmth of his palms.
“I love you,” I say, borrowing his bravery as I try my best to rekindle mine. “I love you so much, Aiden.”
“I love you too, Julian,” he says, leaning forward. “More than anything.”
He presses a soft kiss to my cheek, one that sets my body alight as his fingers slip into my hair.