0097
Neah
"How can I not remember, Raven? That makes absolutely no sense."
"Maybe you got confused. Maybe you lost track of time."
"You don't believe that. Damien must have said something to you." I mutter. I was out of the chair and pacing. Somehow, pacing has become the thing that helps me think. "What does Nyx say?" Raven asks quietly. Her eyes follow me as I move around the room.
"She thinks you are all lying to me. But you can't all be, can you? It's not like Moonshine where they kept secrets from me. You would tell me the truth, wouldn't you?" Raven nods her head
I lower myself down onto the edge of the bed.
"There's a darkness inside of me, Raven. It's like, in the moment, I can't control it. Like it takes over and once whatever needs to be done is done, the darkness fades like it was never even there. Does that make sense?" "I think so. How long has this been happening?"
"Since Devon. Maybe even before, I don't know."
She rocks on the stool. "Have you told my brother? Does he know?"
"He is aware. But he also never had a problem with it. He enjoyed it. Until now."
"Dane does enjoy the darker side of life. I think that's why he gets on so well with Damien." I see her smile and I am truly happy for her, but Dane and Damien being friends was not the issue right now.
"Raven, I'm scared. What if they are right? What if I am too far gone? What if it's too late?" I glance down at my bump. "What about them?"
"That's a lot of questions to answer." She was deflecting.
"What else has Damien told you?"
Her shoulders drop as she frowns. "According to Damien, if you, you know....become Rogue, they won't survive."
"The twins will die?" I scoff
She nods her head at me
I could feel my eyes filling with tears. "So then, I just don't turn." It sounded pretty simple. "And no more killing." That's what Dane had said.
Raven lowers her dark eyes.
"It's not that simple is it?"
""Not from what I understand."
Why couldn't I just go back to the days, where the hardest part of my day was learning to read and write!
"I could still turn?" I never wanted to be a monster, but here I was, slowly turning into one.
Her heavy sigh seems to echo in the room as she nods her head.
"But the good news is, we have Damien who transitioned back and Mallory who helped him. She can help you too. If you let her." ""Mallory is bad news."
"Does it matter if she is the one who can help you and the twins." Raven offers. "At least then, you will be able to keep a closer eye on her."
Nyx is quiet but angry. She doesn't want to be shut away. She wants to be free and I was fighting every inch of my being to keep her from coming forward.
"Do you trust Mallory?" I ask Raven.
"I believe her when she says she regrets hurting you. But if you don't want to be alone with her, I can be with you. And maybe that way, I can stop you from killing her." She gives me a small smile.
It wasn't hard to find Mallory. Dane had set her up in one of the guest bedrooms, but she did seem surprised to see me at her door.
"Is...is everything okay?"
I grit my teeth, annoyance already deeply embedded within me. "I need your help."
Her lips part a little as she tucks a strand of her dirty blonde hair behind her ear. Taking a step back, she asks us both to come in.
"How can I help?" She asks, looking between the both of us.
"You helped Damien, right?" Raven mutters
"You already know that."
"You can help Neah, right?"
"Ah, they have spoken to you." She turns away and fiddles with the blankets on the bed, refolding them as she tries to think of something to say.
"It's not a quick fix." Mallory looks over to Raven. "I'm sure Damien has told you it's a constant battle." Raven nods and automatically, I feel that she has been keeping secrets from me.
"You have to stop that." Mallory snaps, making me jump.
"What are you talking about?" I frown back at her
"That look. You have to stop looking for the bad in every situation."
"I didn't say anything." I protest
"You didn't need to. Your face did."
Raven looks between me and Mallory. "I'm not even going to ask what I just missed."
"I know everything is ten times harder for you." Mallory speaks softly, "Your upbringing has made it harder. The shit you went through means you automatically see the bad. And I don't blame you for that." "You mean like you nearly killing me?"
She doesn't physically react to my question. Instead holding her spot. "Exactly."
'Just kill her and get it over with.' Nyx growls
'Shut up, I can't be dealing with you right now!' I snap back at my Lycan
"I want to help you, Neah, if you will let me. At the end of the day, you are my Alpha." Her brow crinkles up into a frown. "But if you want to kill me, then kill me."
"Don't!" Raven grabs my arm, even though I hadn't moved.
"Let go Raven, this has to be her choice."
"It's a test?" I murmur. "Because if I kill you, there is a good chance I will change?"
Neither of them respond
'Kill her, we will be fine.' Nyx muses. Was it her? Was she the reason I was becoming a monster?
I close my eyes. "I want your help. I want to see my pups grow up. I want to be with Dane. I want to live."
"Good, that's a start."
It was like Raven said, I didn't have to trust her, I just had to let her help me, for now.
Mallory gestures for me to sit down but I stay on my feet and she cocks an eyebrow at me. "Now normally I would insist on intense exercise..."
"Intense exercise?" Raven cuts her off
"Why do you think Damien is built the way he is?" She laughs, "but Neah, as you are pregnant and supposed to be resting, this is going to be a little more difficult." "And the fact Salem is out there somewhere." Raven adds
"That too. Hmmm" Mallory turns to Raven, "Is she clear to have sex?"
"I am here!" I snap, frustrated.
"It doesn't stop them." Raven shrugs her shoulders. "Wait, did you tell Damien the same thing? Who was he sleeping with?"
Mallory doesn't answer her and speaks to me. "Part of the key is keeping your mind busy and keeping your body active."
Nyx rolls her eyes but at least she keeps her mouth shut.
"That's your advice?" i splutter, "Sex and keeping busy?"
"That's just the beginning. It's a long process, Neah. It's not a quick fix overnight and you need to be prepared for that." "How long did it take Damien?" Raven asks.
"Has he told you?"
"No."
"There's your answer."
"I don't....I don't follow." I mutter
"It will always be a battle. Some will win, some will lose." Mallory's brown eyes lock on mine.
"You have helped others, other than Damien?" Raven asks
She nods.
"Other's, so there are more?" I ask
"Damien is the only one who has one hundred percent fought the Rogue life and continues to fight it."
"You tried to help some of the others but it failed." Raven clarifies.
My chances of me fighting this were not in my favour.