Chapter 16 - Joshua
Joshua breathed deeply through his nose, trying to fight past the ache in his chest. His parents glanced at each other, with that familiar silent conversation passing between them.
It was always born from the same place. They thought he was making a mistake, and this was their gentle attempt at course correction.
And like he’d told them so many times before, he wished that they would at least talk to him before taking matters into their own hands.
Susan and Mark were loving, kind, and wholly devoted to the family.
But it also meant that sometimes they did things with the best of intentions that went directly against his wishes.
“I told you not to say anything,” he gritted out, not wanting to look at Kira. Things were so strained between them, and the situation was so tense that it didn’t seem like the best time—especially after she told him that there was nothing between them except fucking.
“It wasn’t our intention to say anything tonight,” Mark said, his voice low and calm. “We thought she knew, and then when it became obvious that she didn’t—”
“You shouldn’t have told her,” Joshua insisted, his fists tightening. His chest tightened as he fought against the emotions raging through him.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen! What would Kira think of him now? She’d been an outcast in the pack because of her heritage, and meanwhile, he’d been hiding his. Would she hate him even more when she realized that his position would have been far different if the pack knew the truth?
Kira’s chair scraped against the floor as she stood. Joshua glanced at her and froze. Her mouth was drawn into a tight line, her blue eyes blazing. She looked about ready to leap across the table and deck him.
She did hate him. His heat sank as he met her gaze, trying not to flinch.
“You’ve had weeks to tell me. I asked a question. All they did was answer.”
Joshua took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “I was going to tell you.”
“Don’t be mad at your parents for beating you to it,” Kira said angrily.
That brought him up short. Was she angry about the omission, or was it because of his reaction? He forced himself to unclench his fists. What do I need to do right now?
“It’s clear that we have problems because you didn’t—” She cut herself off and turned abruptly to the stove. “Mark made dinner for us.”
The sudden change of topic left Joshua reeling.
But he recognized it for what it was. Kira didn’t want to fight, not in front of his parents.
By the way she moved, it was clear she wanted to fight.
At least, she wanted to get something off her chest. Her arms jerked as she started to dish up the plates.
Joshua took another deep breath. His heart still raced, but with the awkward looks his parents were sharing and the tension still in Kira’s shoulders, he knew he couldn’t leave it. “I’m sorry.”
She froze.
“Sorry?” Mark asked.
Joshua focused on his father and mother.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted that way.
You’re right. I should have told Kira about being adopted.
” He slumped into a chair, resting his head in his hands.
The truth was, it wasn’t even being adopted that he was keeping from her.
The pack might put so much emphasis on bloodlines that being adopted was seen as a negative, but Kira wouldn’t. She wouldn’t think less of him.
She wouldn’t even be angry that he had opportunities that were denied to her because of her heritage. Even though those opportunities would have been harder for him had the pack known about his origins.
No. The truth was linked to everything else. The reason he rejected her all those years ago. The reason he would never have biological children.
If he told her the truth about that, she might reject him. And he wouldn’t blame her, not really.
His hands clenched into fists again, but he made himself press them flat on the table.
The swirl of emotions still tightened his chest, but this time, he recognized his anger as the defensive reaction it was.
He was still dangerously on edge, but maybe if he could get out the words, he wouldn’t be at risk of losing his temper again.
“I’m sorry, Kira. I should have told you before now. There just never seemed to be the right time.” No, that wasn’t the truth either. It was never the perfect time, but he’d had opportunities. “I guess I wasn’t ready for that discussion. That still doesn’t excuse my behavior.”
Kira brought over two plates for Mark and Susan. He thought she was going to ignore his words, but then she said, “There’s been a lot happening, so it’s understandable that we’re all on hair triggers. We’re all worried about the demons.”
Joshua let out a heavy breath. “Even so, I shouldn’t have lost my temper. I’m sorry.”
“So let’s have dinner. I’m sure we’ll all feel much better when we’ve eaten. Her tone was clipped, as though she was deliberately holding back. Which she probably was.
Joshua nodded, sagging against the table. “It smells delicious, Dad. Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me too much. It was practically ready when your mother and I stopped by,” Mark answered. He gave Joshua a firm look, one that said they’d be talking about all of this later. Joshua had always had a temper, and he wished he could be more level-headed like his father.
Kira handed a plate to Joshua. “Your mom helped me clean the house, too.”
“Thank you. Both of you,” he added. “I know it can’t be easy for you, either. The tension. Waiting for the next attack. And I’ve heard from Rafael that you and Gwen have been practicing your magic every day, so you must be exhausted, too.”
“It’s the worry more than anything,” Kira said as she took her seat again.
Their eyes met. Though there was still a storm in her blue depths, something softened as well.
She patted his hand. Tension eased in his chest. Joshua’s wolf huffed and flopped over.
It was the first time in two weeks that it had done anything close to relaxing.
The argument wasn’t over, but maybe they were at a point where they could reach out to each other.
“My biological father was a member of Alpha Bael’s pack,” Joshua said, poking at his food. His body needed the calories after patrolling all day, but his stomach squeezed uncomfortably. “That’s why whenever we send the special ops into his territory, I have to be with them.”
“So close?” Kira speared a green bean on her fork.
“Yeah. I, uh, I also got some… some documents. My birth certificate. Some letters. Stuff that he’d been holding onto after me… after I came here,” Joshua mumbled. The whole thing was just so fucking personal! “I haven’t gone through anything yet. I asked before the second sighting.”
Susan cleared her throat. “Maybe that could be something you two could do together.”
Joshua tensed. “I don’t think so. I don’t know what it’s going to say.”
An awkward silence fell as they all ate.
After a few minutes, Susan started to ask Kira about Chelsey’s schooling; it was proving a little difficult to keep up with everything being solely online.
Chelsey missed the social atmosphere at the university, but things were going well.
She couldn’t do spells the way Gwen and Kira could, but she was a whiz at potions.
She’d started developing new ones, in fact, that they believed could be used for anti-demon purposes.
“Ideally, we’d find a way to test it against the demons, but that’s going to be difficult,” Kira finished.
By this time, plates were empty, and Joshua’s body felt heavy with food and exhaustion.
He was glad that things had moved past the awkwardness of his anger, but a lingering tension kept him from being relaxed, despite the food and his own tiredness.
He quietly started to clean up, thinking that if he went to bed like this, he likely wasn’t going to get much sleep.
He’d need to talk to Kira again, but she had been avoiding his gaze all evening.
After the cleanup, they chatted for a little while longer before his parents took their leave. Kira was all smiles, saying goodbye, but as soon as the door was shut, her face fell. She turned on her heel and marched toward the stairs, moving so quickly it was obvious she was running away.
Joshua gritted his teeth and followed after her. “Kira, wait.”
“I need to go to bed,” she said over her shoulder, quickening her steps.
“We need to talk about what happened.”
Kira shook her head, her hair bouncing as she headed up the stairs. “I don’t think I can.”
Joshua fought back against the frustration that instantly rose. So she wouldn’t even listen to his side? “I’m not angry that you found out the truth.”
“I didn’t think you were.”
Why was she acting like this, if it wasn’t because she was upset at his reaction? “Are you angry that you found out that way?”
At the top of the stairs, Kira stopped. She clenched her fists and let out a small, growling noise. “No. Maybe at first, but it’s not like you’re the most open man in the world. I might not like it, but we don’t actually tell each other that sort of thing. So I’m not upset that you didn’t tell me.”
Joshua grabbed her shoulder and spun her around to face him, but she tilted her face down, refusing to look at him. “Then why are you mad?”
“You yelled at your parents. They are great, and you act like they’re out to ruin your life. Yet whenever you talk about them, they’re amazing. Yet you treated them like shit just because they told me something that I do have a right to know.”
“And that’s it?” he demanded.
Kira let out a soft snort, spun on her heel, and marched toward her bedroom without answering. That roar of frustration came rushing back.
“You always do this!” he shouted, instantly regretting raising his voice but unable to stop himself. “You always walk away from me. If you’re angry, then be angry! Yell at me! Face me and tell me what you really think of me. I’m so tired of this.”
“Don’t shout at me.”
“Then face me! Face me and be honest. Tell me that you hate me if you hate me. Tell me that you still want to fuck me, and it only makes you hate me more.” Joshua’s chest heaved, the words bitter. “There is still something between us, Kira, and you know it.”
Kira turned, so suddenly that it made him flinch.
She didn’t seem to notice his involuntary action, instead staring at him so hard it nearly made her look like she was dissociating.
Joshua wanted to reach out, to take hold of her and show her exactly what he meant.
They were bound, the two of them, no matter how difficult it might be to see it sometimes.
She let out a shuddering breath. “Lust isn’t a relationship, Joshua. And that’s all it was. It was a sexual release, because whatever attractions were there years ago are still here now. But lust isn’t enough.”
“And you’re so certain that all we have between us is lust?” Joshua asked, agitated.
“Both times we had sex, you couldn’t even look me in the eye afterward.
” Kira’s voice broke over the last word, but she rallied herself and drew up.
“It’s obvious that you regret it as soon as we’re done.
And even if we could make a relationship out of lust and nothing more…
the way you act afterward makes it obvious that you don’t really want me.
And I’m not going to be nothing more than a sexual release. ”
Joshua let out a soft breath, her admission like a physical blow. “That’s not…”
He trailed off because he didn’t know what to say.
He had pulled away from her and didn’t look her in the eye after they’d had sex.
She thought it was because of her—that it was another form of rejection—but that wasn’t the case at all!
He opened his mouth to tell her that again, but she held up a hand, shaking her head.
“It’s fine. I know about your reputation. You’ve never enjoyed being tied down, and so being bound to me of all people must be grating.”
“It’s not.” Joshua stepped forward, his heart pounding in his ears. “I don’t… It’s not because of you, Kira. Last time… I was stupid. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get so swept up in desire that I put you at risk!”
Kira frowned. “At risk?”
“Of getting pregnant! If something happened and it was my fault—” He gripped his hair, tugging it as he stared up at the ceiling.
“What are you talking about? Is it about not wanting to have biological children? Why?” She stepped forward and grabbed his wrists. “Tell me what’s going on here, Joshua. How am I supposed to understand this? Why would you decide you don’t want children with me just because you’re adopted?”
Joshua lowered his hands. He grasped hers, his chest heaving. All the secrets that had swelled between them were at the bursting point. He needed to tell her. Now was the best time.
“Come with me,” he rasped out. “I have something to show you.”