Chapter 17 - Kira
“I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to go to bed,” Kira complained, but let Joshua pull her back down the stairs. A strange energy hummed from him, highlighting his frustration and what she was certain was anxiety. But why would he be anxious? All he gave her was one question after another.
But if this was his way of trying to explain, then sure. She should run off into the night and let him take her wherever he was taking her. She tried to breathe evenly in and out as he took her to the car.
“Where are we going?”
“I can’t tell you.” He pulled out his phone as she slid into the car. He typed something into it, but he was angled so that Kira could only see the glow of the screen against his face.
Silently, he slid into the driver’s seat and started the car. They drove out of the town limits, and she swallowed.
“We know the demon is coming after me. Is it safe to leave the town?” she asked anxiously.
Joshua let out a shaky breath. “It takes time for the demon to track you down, and I’m with you. I won’t let it hurt you.”
“I just wish I knew why it was coming after me,” she murmured.
His hands tightened on the wheel. “It’s because you’re a witch and you’re married to me. It wants to kill you for the same reason the Elders wanted you to marry me. Because it thinks we can make powerful children.”
“It could kill you, and we wouldn’t have children.”
“But you could have children with someone else. We’re all shifters, Kira, but there are a few witches.
Few women who can pass magic down to the next generation.
Kill the mothers, you kill the future generations.
” Joshua’s voice lowered. “Why do you think Gwen never leaves town? If she did, I’m sure the demon would go after her, too. ”
Kira didn’t have an answer to that. It made sense, as much as she hated it. The witches were higher targets, since their magic could lock away the demons again.
He turned onto a bumpy gravel road. As the darkness fell around them, the forest became shrouded in shadow. Kira squinted her eyes as she tried to catch sight of any landmarks, but all she saw was the green foliage, dull and ominous in the headlights.
“Wait,” she cried when she saw a marking stone. “Wait! That was a territory marker.”
“Yes. I texted Bael, we have permission to come here,” Joshua answered, his voice tense.
“Come where? What could you possibly need to show me in Bael’s territory?” Kira demanded. Her heart was beating so fast she pressed her hand to her chest, feeling it thud against her palm. She’d never been in Bael’s territory before. Why was he bringing her here?
Joshua didn’t answer, continuing to traverse the rough road. Kira grit her teeth together, fighting back the urge to yell at him to turn around and take her back home. She didn’t want to be here! Not with the forest so dark and the road so rough and Joshua so tense.
There was a sudden bump beneath them, and the car’s bouncing smoothed out. The trees started to fall back from the road, opening up. Finally, Joshua stopped at a set of gates. He got out, typed a code into them, and they opened slowly. Joshua gestured for Kira to join him.
When she did, he led her toward a mausoleum. The water table on the island was so high that they couldn’t dig graves in most parts of the island, so the dead were housed in above-ground tombs and mausoleums.
Joshua rounded the mausoleum and stopped at a tomb. It was topped with a long, flat stone slab. Names were carved into it, but the darkness made it impossible to see any details.
“This is the graveyard for witch hunters,” Joshua said gruffly.
“They were a small group with powers that weakened a witch’s magic.
I don’t know everything, but they were said to be able to prevent a witch from becoming pregnant, and if the bloodlines ever mixed, it would always result in disaster. ”
A chill stole down Kira’s spine. Her stomach cramped, and she wrapped her arms around herself. “Witch hunters? Why haven’t I ever heard of this?”
“Few people do. I don’t know how they ended up on the island, or why.
The witches locked away the demons. Maybe the original group of witch hunters wanted to release them.
Or maybe they came, thinking the witches were causing trouble, and realized they weren’t, so they decided to stay.
Maybe they were trying to escape. I don’t know.
” Joshua ran a hand through his hair as he gently touched the tomb. “These are my parents.”
Kira fought back a gasp. Her mind whirled as she tried to come to terms with this. He had brought her to his parents’ tomb?
“How did they die?” she asked.
“My father was from Bael’s pack. He didn’t have a wolf because he was descended from the witch hunters.
My mother was a shifter, and she had some witch heritage.
When I was five, they were killed. It’s suspected there was a gas leak in the house, but I’ve always known it was the curse.
” Joshua ran a hand over his face, his shoulders slumping forward.
“They mixed the bloodlines, and it was my existence that ended their lives.”
“You can’t know that.”
“I do. Witch hunter plus witch means disaster. My mother didn’t have access to magic.
She had a strong wolf. That’s the only reason why they lasted so long.
But the pregnancy was hard on her. It nearly killed her,” he continued, his voice growing rougher as he pressed both his hands to the tomb.
“And shifters don’t have difficult pregnancies. ”
Kira hesitated, then laid a hand on his arm. “They do, though. My mother had a terrible time with Chelsey. She also had several miscarriages after Chelsey. She had a strong wolf, too.”
“But your father was human,” Joshua sighed. “I’ve done the research. As much as I can, at least, with all the secrecy surrounding the witch hunters. My parents—Mark and Susan—kept my adoption from the pack to protect me.”
Her legs felt weak as Kira walked around the tomb, processing his words.
So that’s why he reacted the way he did to the possibility of having children, why he insisted that she take the morning-after pill.
Her heart felt heavy in her chest, a curious pang making her wince.
She could understand his behavior, but knowing the why didn’t make her feel any better.
“So you see why,” Joshua murmured. “I can’t give you children. It would result in more tragedy.”
Kira wrapped her arms around herself. “I would like to read these materials myself. Did your parents know about the risks when they had you?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t know about this until much later.” Joshua rubbed the back of his neck, sighing. “But it doesn’t matter. Not really. If you want to do the research yourself, I won’t stop you, but you shouldn’t waste your time.”
“I don’t think it’s a waste of time when it affects my life. You know how the pack treats bloodlines. Even if I were to have a child via donation or if I adopted, you could claim the child all you want, but people will still treat them as lesser.”
Joshua sighed. “Not if we pretended. We could keep it a secret, the way my adoption has been kept a secret. I will be a father. I just can’t get you pregnant. Besides, if we adopt, people will accept it easily that you can’t have children with your status as a witch.”
Kira curled her hands into fists. “I thought you didn’t agree with how the pack treats witches.”
Joshua’s face was in shadow, but his silhouette revealed his shoulders lifting, tension radiating from him. “I don’t.”
“And yet, if we adopt, you will happily use my witch heritage as an excuse for the pack, putting the blame on me rather than taking responsibility for it being your choice.”
Joshua was quiet.
Kira’s breath came sharper now. Her eyes burned, and when she spoke, her voice broke over the words. “You really think that would be the best, don’t you? Just let the pack think there’s something wrong with me, that I can’t have kids. And you think so little of me that you’d put that shame on me?”
“There isn’t any shame to—”
“Don’t. There is shame associated with infertility in this pack.
Otherwise, you would own up to the truth rather than wanting to convince people that I’m the problem.
And you think I’d just go along like that?
That I would bow my head and take all the whispers and stares like I always have?
You’re the one who tells me to stand up for myself, then you expect me to take this without a word?
” Her chest burned as anger and grief twisted into a knot, choking her.
The darkness seemed to grow even more intense around them as she stared at his silhouette.
“You knew all of this. And when the Council told you to marry me, you just… did it. You married me, knowing that I wanted a family, and you took that choice away from me.”
Joshua started forward. “If I didn’t step up, you would have been paired with someone else.”
“And I would have left them at the altar, too,” she snapped back.
Joshua growled. “I was keeping you safe and alive. I still am. I knew you’d be unhappy, but it’s worth the risk.”
Kira’s stomach curdled. He decided. He made the choice. If she’d known everything, she wouldn’t have agreed with this. “The risk. The risk that I might not get what I want? Is that it? What are you risking in this arrangement? Not having access to every single woman in the pack?”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” Joshua snarled. “I brought you here. I’ve told you why I’m unable to have children. But there are still other ways you can have your child.”
“Other ways that risk putting me and my children at even more of a disadvantage with the pack.” Kira hated the way her voice was suddenly flat.
There was no emotion, despite the swirling feelings still threatening to choke her.
This was too much. If he’d been honest with her…
“Keeping the truth from me is even worse than threatening me into marrying you.”
Joshua was quiet for a long time. “I don’t know what to say anymore. I only wanted to keep you safe.”
“I don’t feel safe with you anymore, Joshua. And it has nothing to do with your heritage.” She turned and headed back through the graveyard. “I want to go home.”
She started crying on the drive back to town and kept her face turned away, hoping that the darkness would hide her tears.
Only the sounds of the car jostling itself on the road broke the deadly silence between them.
Kira wished she didn’t feel this way, wished she could look at his actions with understanding.
She wished she could say, “I’m upset, but we’ll work through it. ”
At this moment, she couldn’t lie, not even to herself. It was just like when he threatened to lock her away. He was making choices, acting against his fear, but without considering what she wanted.
How could there be a marriage here? Every time she thought they were getting closer, something else opened up, showing her a new side to him that he’d tried to hide from her.
They couldn’t have a relationship past sex if they couldn’t trust each other.
If all they could have was sex, was it enough for her?
Could she hold onto the physical, knowing there would never be a full, deep emotional connection?
She held her breath for several seconds as a sob fought to break free.
When they stopped at Joshua’s house, Kira didn’t bother going inside. Over the last few weeks, more and more of her possessions had migrated here, but she would just have to come back for them. She mourned the loss of the potion workshop, but it was the least of her losses.
“Where are you going?” Joshua called after her.
She didn’t look back. “Home.”
She expected him to go after her, to try to convince her to stay the night. He’d say it wasn’t safe to wander around at night or some sort of bullshit.
He didn’t. And she was achingly grateful for that. The last thing she wanted was for him to try to stop her. Her tears started to fall freely as she walked, and by the time she got back to her house—Goddess, it didn’t feel like home anymore—she was sobbing openly.
The lights were all on, and Kira hesitated, wondering if Chelsey had company. As she headed up the walk, the door opened. Chelsey and Gwen both stood there, outlined in the glow of the house. Her shoulders slumped as she stepped inside.
“Joshua called and said you would need a friend,” Gwen told her. “What happened?”
Kira’s stomach twisted at the thought of revealing everything. She shook her head. “We had a fight. A bad one.”
Chelsey made mint tea, and Gwen suggested various things that they could do to cheer Kira up.
Kira was grateful for her sister and friend, even though she felt shaky and fragile, as though anything might shatter her.
Joshua called Gwen. That meant he did care, to some extent. He hadn’t been trying to hurt her.
Intention didn’t change the fact that he did hurt her. The pain wasn’t even the worst of it. It was how he kept making decisions for her, instead of with her.
What was she going to do?