Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
ANNIKA
I’m officially screwed. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with my best friend.
And that’s not Chloe, although that would be a lot easier, and we’d probably live a long, happy life together.
Unfortunately, it’s my other friend I’m in love with.
The one with whom I have so many layers of unpacked conversations that keep getting buried under bookstore friend dates, brunch on the weekends, and after-work hangs.
It’s like the nachos we share at happy hour.
We never reach the bottom. We always skim the good stuff on top and ignore the crunchy-gone-soggy chips at the end.
I woke up the day after exposing the lowest point of my life to Reid between the bookstore's Young Adult and Non-Fiction Sections to a chain of texts from him.
Reid
Hey, I just want to tell you I’m proud of you
Also, good morning.
i’m always here for you by the way :] if you need to talk about anything else.
Which feels like an invitation, meaning he and I can—and should—discuss our college relationship, but I take it as Reid solidifying our friendship.
He’s not going anywhere, no matter what curveballs I throw at him.
Even though it’s been a few weeks, I’ve gone back to his messages and reread them repeatedly.
I feel like I’m betraying myself when I think about him all day.
I see a mug at the store, and I think, “Hmm should I get Reid a matching one?” I came here to focus on myself, and all I can focus on is the rush he makes me feel.
The butterflies in my stomach are taking up a permanent residence.
Maybe being his friend was a terrible idea.
I can tell how much Chloe loves when the four of us hang out together.
It feels easy. Each time we are together, I get to know a new layer about him that I never saw before.
I love the way the dimples on his cheeks show up only when he laughs a certain way, and I’ve made it my life’s mission to unlock that laugh.
The kind of laugh where you forget where you are and what you are supposed to be doing.
Once I do, I want to photograph him smiling with those dimples so they can live on forever.
I can look at the photo and see what pure joy looks like.
I can’t wait for it to get cold again so that he can grow out his hair and it can curl up under his caps.
Those tousled brown waves flop around his face as he bobs his head in the car or runs his fingers through his hair when he’s thinking hard about something.
They should carve that moment out of marble and put it in a museum, but in a special room that only I can view.
I love how he knows Tuesdays are my least favorite days, so he always brings me a dirty chai with oat milk to cheer me up.
I love how he fills up Dandy’s water bowl every time he visits our house.
I love that he eats the crusts from my pizza.
I love that we’ve moved from fist bumps to side hugs because the side of my body he touches tingles for at least five minutes afterward.
I feel like I’m in middle school again, eager to run into Reid during the passing period. Stealing glances and smiles in his direction.
Except this isn’t a crush. He’s one of my best friends, and I think I’m in love with him.
And it hits me suddenly that this yearning in my chest is apparent and clear because everything else in my life is as it should be.
Is what I’ve always dreamed it to be. Now is a reality.
Happy, fulfilling, and still exciting. I wake up each day happier and enthused about what will unfold.
I don’t feel like a walking zombie at work.
It feels like an actual workplace family.
Not the toxic language that would be thrown around the office floor when someone new joins the team.
Everyone at the photo studio understands the dynamic and is supportive of one another.
We go to each other’s shoots and help out where need be because we love doing it.
I love seeing the joy in people’s faces and capturing them.
Each client is a new project I’m excited to tackle.
They built an entire dark room just for me when I started this position.
Tiffany, another photographer, put a sign above the door that reads, “Annika’s Lair.
” I don’t feel guilty if I need to come in later one day for an appointment or leave early on a Friday because no one takes things too seriously.
We even do team outings once a month, where we go bowling together.
I keep pinching myself to wake up from this dream, but it’s real.
I made it happen for myself and need to accept that life can be good. I’m allowed to be happy.
I love living in this small town where everyone knows everyone. Nature, the trees, the rolling hills of deep reds and greens. It all contributes to the healing in my heart. I wake up to peace. The sounds of chirping birds and the branches swaying outside my bedroom window whisper me awake.
Though, I worry about Chloe. I don’t know if she is thriving as much as I am.
Outside of our house, she puts on this bright, happy face, but when it is just her and I, I see her with the mask off.
The mask I haven’t seen since we were kids.
Even the edition of her new kitty has only softened the hard edges that formed since we left SoCal.
I suddenly feel guilty about being wrapped up in my own heart and for not recognizing my best friend’s feelings.
I dragged her up here with me because I didn’t want her to be alone.
Yet I haven’t been paying attention to how she is adjusting to our new town.
Does she feel the same way about her job as I do about my job?
I can’t imagine she feels like working at a bookstore for her entire career is her dream.
But maybe it is, I don’t know, and now I feel like a terrible friend that I don’t know.
I need to talk to Chloe about everything.
About my feelings toward Reid, about her, and how she’s feeling.
I exhale and realize I’ve been lying in my bed staring at my ceiling while thoughts shuffle around my head. It’s another Saturday Chloe, and I both have off. We’ll have to make the best of it.