Chapter 15 Ezrah
Chapter fifteen
Ezrah
Ispent the whole day cleaning obsessively. It was the only thing I could think of that would keep my mind and hands busy.
But there's only so much you can scrub in one apartment. I even contemplated tearing through my closet and reorganizing everything, but stopped myself. Instead, I collapse on the couch, running my hand absently over the fabric.
Sebastian slept here last night.
And today, I messed up big time.
I feel worse than ever. Not just because of what I said, but because of how much his reaction gutted me. The anger. The pain in his eyes. His storming out.
In the past, it was normal to treat him as nothing more than Aziel's brother.
I'm conflicted. It feels right, and it feels so wrong to see him as a man.
Fuck.
I don't know what to do and I need advice. Grabbing my phone, I text the only person I trust. The only one who didn't abandon me after the divorce.
Me: Hey, man. Are you free?
Nico: Just finishing in the gym. Want to grab coffee?
Me: Sure. I'll meet you at the usual place?
Nico: See you in half an hour.
Luck is on my side. At least when it's connected with my best friend. He's a police officer, and his working schedule can be unpredictable.
I shower, dress, and head out, though I nearly forget my wallet. I'm too distracted. Locking my door, I run into Charlie, my neighbor. He's got soft, rounded cheeks that flush too easily, a compact build that makes him look younger than he is. He's always shy, always avoiding eye contact.
His innocence reminds me of Sebastian. Maybe that's why I liked the guy as a neighbor from the second he moved in.
"Hey, Charlie. How is it going?" I ask
"Good. Thank you." He stares at the floor, fidgeting.
I smile, but then he adds, "Heading out?"
"Yes. Meeting a buddy for coffee."
Once or twice, I invited Charlie to join me and Nico, but he refused, so I don't pressure him again.
"That's good. The weather is nice. Well, I'll leave you to it. Bye."
He shut his door before I could say anything. Wasn't he going to go out, or did he open his door just to greet me? By this point, I shouldn't be asking questions when it came down to Charlie. He has his own ways of being.
It takes me less than ten minutes to arrive at Nico and mine's favorite shop. The cafe is small, but cozy. Most importantly, at this time of the day, it doesn't have a lot of people since privacy will be important for our conversation.
As soon as I enter, I notice Nico. He's hard to miss with his broad shoulders and stern face.
"Hey, man. Did you wait long for me?" I ask.
"Nah. Just sat down. What's going on with you? I haven't seen you in a long time."
"I got promoted to manager at the club."
"Wow, that's amazing. Congratulations! You deserve it."
"Thank you. But that's not why I wanted to talk."
He turns serious in the blink of an eye. "Are you in some kind of trouble?"
"No. Nothing like that. Or maybe I am. I don't know."
"Now you're worrying me. What happened to rattle the gargoyle inside you?"
I crack a faint smile. That's our thing. I joke he's the city's werewolf, protective of everyone like they're his pack. And he calls me a gargoyle because I'm mostly unshakable and unfazed by things.
"Sebastian," I say with a sigh.
Nico frowns. "Is that supposed to ring a bell?"
"Yes. A very, very loud bell."
Nico's a smart guy. I'm sure he'll figure it out without me spelling it for him. It takes him another minute, but I watch as his eyes widen comically.
"Aziel's little brother?"
"The one and only."
"I'll be honest. I'm not sure I'm following."
"I want to fuck him, okay?" The words rip out of me. "Fuck, no. I mean, yes, I do want to do that, but it's more that I want."
"I've seen the boy-"
"Man. He's already a man," I interrupt him.
"He was a boy when I saw him," he raises a brow at me and continues, "I've seen the boy. He seemed like a good guy, but I need to ask… is this some twisted way to get revenge?"
I recoil like he physically delivered a punch to my jaw.
"What the fuck?" I explode. "You know me better than that. I would never do that to Sebastian."
Nico holds up his hands in surrender, but I glare anyway. The thought of using Sebastian like that has never crossed my mind.
I've left Aziel behind. The past is where he belongs. I'm not seeking revenge.
I'm no longer the boy, or even the man, who used to love him. I'm no longer the person I was when I was with him. I've changed. I've grown. I've seen darker sides of this world, and I've learned that sometimes all you can do is take one hit after another.
"I apologize," Nico says. "I shouldn't have said that. It just came… as a big surprise."
I decide to let it go. I know it's Nico's strong justice compass and his overprotectiveness speaking.
"And how do you think I'm feeling? This is the same Sebastian who used to hide in his room or watch us from afar, thinking we didn't notice him."
"You said it a second ago, he's no longer a boy. He's a man. How old is he?"
"Twenty-two."
"What's the issue then?"
"Did you forget he's Aziel's little brother?" I ask.
"And?"
"What do you mean and? Here I am losing my mind, and you're just shrugging like it's no big deal."
This conversation isn't helping me at all.
"It's a big deal only because you're making it one. Tell me, what's the real reason you're panicking?"
"I told you."
"No." Nico shakes his head, pinning me with those sharp, hawk-like eyes of his. "You only scraped the surface level of an excuse you're feeding yourself."
"Damn. A direct hit, huh?"
"You know me."
I take a second to chew on what he said. Is this really an excuse I keep giving myself? But it's true. Going after my ex-husband's little brother feels… wrong.
Yet Nico's question forces me to face the harder truth.
What am I really afraid of? Part of it is being hurt or betrayed again.
Another part is that I'm jaded now, darker.
A man people would say isn't right in the head because of the things I want.
I can't picture sweet little Sebastian being into what I'm into.
Marking. Claiming. Possessing. And more.
Mostly, though? I'll admit it… I just don't want to lose Sebastian now that I have him back in my life.
He used to be family first.
Then he became the one thing holding me together after the betrayal.
Then he disappeared, and I missed him.
And now, he'd crashed back into my life like lightning out of a clear sky. But he's different. Or maybe I'm the one who changed. Because now, all I can see is a man I want to possess and claim.
Sebastian Ainsworth…
I have no idea what to do with you.
You crash-landed into my life, and now all I want is to make you mine. Even if it's wrong. Even if I corrupt you. Even if you're a good little boy, and all I am is messed up beyond repair.