Chapter 14 Sebastian
Chapter fourteen
Sebastian
Fuck.
I was pissed off.
No. I was furious.
Am I doomed to always be nothing more than a shadow of my brother? Just the little, innocent baby brother?
Even something ordinary like a fucking breakfast reminded him of Aziel. A freaking breakfast!
Believe it or not, I held back in there. Years of training never prepared me for how hard it would be to stop myself from exploding. I was ready to rage, to fucking tear apart the table I'd carefully set that morning.
Is this truly all that I'll ever be?
The thought slices through my ribs like a knife.
My mind starts spiraling, darker and darker, until tears sting my eyes. I grit my teeth and force them back.
Like fate itself is laughing at me, my phone pings with a message.
Aziel: Tomorrow is Mom's birthday. I don't care what you have planned, just be there. Don't disappoint her, too.
Fuck my life.
I scream out loud in the middle of the street. People scatter, probably thinking I'm insane. Good for them.
I hate him.
I fucking hate him.
Why did he have to be Ezrah's first everything? Why did he get his body, his soul, his heart? Why did Aziel get to be Ezrah's everything?
Even now, two years after they broke up, Ezrah still thinks of him.
I'll always be plagued by the ghost of my half-brother.
I'll always be the little brother of Ezrah's ex-husband. His sweetheart. His first love.
They say first love always keeps a special place in your heart, don't they?
I hate it.
I hate it so much I'd rip my own chest open just to carve out the pieces of me that hurt this much.
Yesterday night was perfect. So why did this morning turn into this?
My phone pings with another message, and I swear to hell if it's Aziel, I'll drive to his place and rearrange his face, consequences be damned.
Fluffy: Hey, I haven't heard from you in a while. What are you up to?
Me: I'm on the verge of committing homicide. You?
Our phones are protected, and that allows us to message without worrying about authorities.
Fluffy: Who's going to be your victim? I'm just having breakfast.
Breakfast. If I hear that word again, I won't be responsible for what I do.
Me: Aziel.
Fluffy: Finally! If you need help, let me know.
Fluffy: By the way, I know what date tomorrow is. Do you want a task for the day?
Me: Yes! Give it to me. No. Better yet, give me at least two tasks.
Fluffy: Whatever you need, my dear.
Some of my rage eases. Fluffy always knows what to give me when I'm drowning.
Tomorrow, I'll have two monsters to torture and bring to the door of death. I'll be busy, and I'll be able to forget what day it is.
I've always wondered how Aziel is capable of living his shiny life with his head shoved so far up his ass he can't see the truth. Let him rot. I'm done playing his games.
I sent him a quick message that I'll be busy these days and that I can't. Let him have fun playing the perfect son. I'll have my own perfect day.
I welcome the familiar darkness wrapping itself around me. Emotions? Fuck no. I'd crawl on my knees just to avoid feeling.
Everything I am has always been wrong.
Wrong son.
Wrong teenager.
Wrong bastard.
Wrong brother.
Wrong lover for my Daddy.
Always wrong.
I laugh bitterly. Is there even one right thing about me? All I've ever been is a quiet disappointment. They never said it out loud, but I saw it in their eyes.
Never enough. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how hard I fought. It's always the same.
Wrong Sebastian. Poor Sebastian. Never enough Sebastian.
This and that. Always bad names at play, never loving. Loving ones were a pretense for a proper facade, but never authentic.
There are only three things about me that have ever been real. Three things no one can take away from me.
The murderous part of me. The one that devours every second of a blade pressed to skin, every scream, every beg for mercy I'll never grant.
The little part of me. The one that loves to play with toys or body parts, depending on the day and my little's mood.
And the part of me that loves my Daddy. The part that would do anything for him. Anything.
These three parts are at my core. Twisted, yes, but mine. The only things that keep me breathing.
But today, even they sink deeper into darkness.
This was our first fight. The way I exploded wasn't like me. Part of me wanted to hurt Daddy the way he hurt me. Twist the knife. Make him bleed the way his words bled me dry.
That's why I left. If I'd stayed, I might've hurt him. And no matter what, I would never hurt my Daddy.
My Daddy is precious. Even when he hurts me.
Today I'll go home and sink into Little space. I'll play with BoBunny and drown myself in toys and shadows.
And tomorrow, I'll bleed the monsters Fluffy sends me. I'll take my time and savor it.
I sent one last message to Fluffy, then shut my phone off.
It's time for little me and murderous me to play. Everything else can wait. Because if I don't give these parts of me time to play, I'll fucking destroy everything in my path. No matter what it is. Even if it's Daddy standing in front of me.