Chapter 40
forty
Georgia
I thought when I saw him, I’d feel something new.
That he might seem like a stranger instead of the strong, perfect man I love so much.
That there might be an unfamiliar coldness or distance between us.
But no, there’s nothing new. Only the same familiar glow, the urge to run to him and bury myself in his arms, the same question of how I ever got so lucky to have him fall in love with me.
So when he walks in, I don’t bother with restraint; instead, I press myself against his chest and let the warmth of his body and the scent of his skin sink into me like they always do.
The only difference is the uncomfortable knowledge this isn’t the end of the drama of the last twenty-four hours; it’s the beginning, and now the hard part has to start.
I spent the afternoon making chicken stew and homemade biscuits to keep my mind busy and keep at bay the awful question I know I have to ask tonight. But as I ladle stew into bowls, the question comes back in full-color details, and suddenly I’m not hungry.
Everything about Cash is gentle as we sit on the couch with our bowls and a bottle of wine—his voice when he speaks to me, his eyes when he looks at me, his answers when I ask about Maisy.
“I guess we need to talk about yesterday,” I say when we finish eating.
He nods. “I’m sorry. I’ll apologize as many times as you need me to, but you have to understand I wasn’t lying. I really thought Maisy needed me at her side.”
Guilt lays heavy on me at the realization he’s still concerned with the details of what he said to me yesterday. He has no idea how far my mind has moved on, how petty those details seem compared to the questions weighing me down. “I understand that.”
He smiles, and the guilt twists my insides tighter. “Then what’s so wrong tonight? You look ready to cry, baby.”
“I am.”
“Why?”
I blow out a breath and summon the words. “What if this just can’t work?”
“Huh?”
“What if we can never work? What if it’s no one’s fault, we just…aren’t meant to be together?”
His expression shifts quickly: surprise, then hurt, then determination. “Why would that be?”
“Because what if what I need is something you can’t give me?”
“There’s nothing I can’t give you.” His jaw sets in stone.
“I want to be your number one. That’s what I need.”
He stares back at me, eyes round like he’s finally taking it all in. “You and Maisy are not in competition.”
“No, not the way you’re thinking about it, but we are. Yesterday proved it. And I know it probably sounds selfish, but what I need is to be your number one. If I can’t have that, I’d rather be alone.”
He rears back like he’s stunned. “Wait, you’d rather be alone than have to share time with Maisy?”
“I can’t be with someone who wouldn’t show up for me during one of the biggest moments of my life.”
“Your party?” he asks in disbelief.
The sting of the word sharpens the longer it hangs in the air. I swallow, fighting to contain my frustration. How can he not understand? “Don’t do that. It wasn’t just a party,” I mutter. “And if you didn’t know that, you weren’t paying attention.”
“Fine. A family reunion, okay? And it was important to you, I get that.”
“But?”
“But maybe I can’t be with someone who thinks a family reunion matters more than my sister’s mental health crisis.”
“She wasn’t having a crisis. That’s the point! You made it a crisis because you need her to need you. You baby her even when she doesn’t want it.”
“Hey, it’s not your place to say what Maisy needs.”
“You’re right, it’s her place, and she said it. She didn’t want you there.”
He looks away. “Yeah, well, I thought she did. Do you really expect me to apologize for caring about my sister?”
“Not for caring. Cash, your devotion to your sister is beautiful. But don’t you think sometimes you can’t see past it? That you see what you want to see instead of what’s really happening?”
“I don’t want to see her fall apart, that’s for damn sure.” He moves to the edge of the couch, his body restless. “Look, all this because of a misunderstanding yesterday? I fucked up, I admitted it, and you won’t let it go.”
“You’re right, I won’t.” Suddenly I want him gone.
I want space and time to think, to make sense of how everything’s falling apart without having to look at the face I was so sure would never hurt me like this.
“Cash, we need a break. Both of us. Let’s take a few days apart and think, because we’re getting nowhere talking this out. ”
“A break,” he says flatly. “If that isn’t the most bullshit line of all time. You mean a breakup.”
“No,” I say, but I don’t know what I mean.
“So we need to separate because two major events happened on the same day and I didn’t know what to choose?”
“If it wasn’t this, it would be something else sooner or later. It’s not just what happened yesterday.”
“Really? Because until yesterday, we were totally fucking happy together.”
I shake my head sadly. “It’s you telling Maisy about us when I made it clear I wanted to be the one. It’s you telling me to stay home from the Combine so she could go instead. It’s you running to her side when I’m the one who needed you.”
Cash jumps to his feet before I’ve finished talking, shaking his head at every word, his mouth a tight line. “Mistakes I apologized for,” he says through gritted teeth.
“Mistakes you keep making.”
“Then maybe I don’t know how to be any different! You think I haven’t tried to be what you need? I guess this is who I am, Georgia. I love you, I love my sister, and I also fucking make mistakes.”
“We’re not going to agree on this. All I know is you will always drop everything for her.”
“No, you’re right, we’re not going to agree. I did what I thought was right for my sister.”
“And was it right?” I hold his stare, waiting. I can forgive him for overreacting, making a mistake in the name of love for Maisy. But if he can’t see what I see, nothing will ever change.
A storm rages in his eyes, but he doesn’t look away. If anything, his defiance grows as he glares at me. “I know what you want me to say, and I can apologize for a lot of things, Georgia. But I can’t apologize for taking care of her. If you can’t accept that, there’s nothing else for us to say.”
My shattered heart should make speech impossible, yet the words come surprisingly easily. “I can’t accept it.”
He doesn’t try to hide the hurt in his eyes, but his mouth is a hard line, no more fight coming from him. He nods and turns and walks right out.
It’s over and done with the same speed and suddenness as it came.