Chapter 33 Cesare
I couldn’t go back. I knew with everything in me that I couldn’t go back.
And yet I couldn’t help that I wanted to.
Sitting on my couch, I brought the glass of whiskey to my lips.
It had been five days since I told Rafael to go.
I should have put a bullet in his brain, but instead I’d let him leave.
That was how weak I was. Pathetic.
Whiskey slid down my throat, the acrid burn a reminder of everything that had happened and everything that was now gone.
I usually drank with him on my lap, or his voice filling the air as he said something absolutely stupid.
Like trying to make me eat Olive Garden and calling it authentic Italian food.
He was a moron, a nuisance, a pain in my ass.
And I missed him.
The thought was a physical blow. I stared at the black TV screen. I absently rubbed at my wrist next to the watch. The one I hadn’t remembered buying. Rafael had handed it to me while we were in Paris.
I stared at it now and took it off. All black, sleek, and beautiful. At some point it had become my go to watch. I twisted it over and paused at the engraving.
Amor, Obsess?o, Devoc?o. Sou sempre sua.
My chest throbbed as I looked up the words. I sat there for what felt like forever staring at my watch and the translation on my phone.
Love Obsession Devotion. I am always yours.
Without thought I put it back on securing the watch to my wrist. Why did it have to be him?
The only thing left was the quiet hum of the air conditioning and the refrigerator down the hall. It was quiet, but it felt loud because there was nothing else to listen to. Nothing else around except me and my loud thoughts.
Sighing, I pushed myself to my feet as I stared into the empty glass in my hand.
Seriously, how many had I had tonight? It felt like too many.
Like too much. I couldn't stop. Not until I erased every moment of memory and thought connected to the one person who had gotten closer to me than anyone else and then stabbed me in the chest. And not even literally. I’d had exes actually try to stab me.
Somehow, Rafael was able to do it with a few well-placed actions that left me reeling.
I hated it.
“Andrew,” I called.
The man came around the corner. He’d looked guilty the whole time, as if he had done something wrong. Except, I knew he hadn’t. Rafael had a way of getting what he wanted. Always. Even I couldn’t keep him contained; how was Andrew supposed to do it?
“We’re leaving,” I said shortly, sliding a cigarette into my mouth before I patted my pockets and paused. Usually Rafael lit my smokes. He’d been doing it so much that I’d gotten used to it. I grunted and didn't try to stop that grunting noise I didn’t make when he was around. “Give me a light.”
Andrew scrambled in his pocket and produced a cheap lighter. The flame illuminated my face as I lit up, and then handed it back.
“Where do you want to go, sir?” he asked as we descended in the elevator.
“Silver Dreams.”
I settled into the backseat and blew smoke out of the cracked window. It curled out into the night, my fingers tightening around the cigarette as the car started and pulled out onto the street. I sat there quietly, my mind racing along with my heart.
You shouldn't be doing this. It’s stupid. It’s weak. Why are you doing this?
I had no excuse, no reason. Maybe I wanted to see him one more time. Maybe I was looking for answers. I didn't know where else to get them. Or maybe I was just an old fool that was chasing one more person that would disappoint me at the end of the day.
“We’re here, sir.”
I glanced up. We were at Silver Dreams, and I hadn’t even noticed. Andrew opened the door, and I stepped out. The cigarette had been tossed ages ago. I headed into Silver Dreams, my hands shoved into my pockets.
“Cesare. I was wondering when you would come by.”
Grand Myah sat at the bar, a cigarette inside of one of those old-school long holders she liked clutched between her fingers.
She was the kind of woman you had to respect even if she knew who she worked for.
The smile on her face made me walk over, as if she was holding secrets I didn’t have.
She usually was. That was her real job in a place like this.
Not just a madam, but the head of a network of spies that used their bodies and their smiles to extract information that we could use.
I’d set her up ages ago and it always paid off.
“Where is he?” I asked.
“Lower bar,” she said. “He’s tending the bar now. Won’t take anymore clients.” She stilled. “He got into a fight two nights ago. Nearly killed poor Josiah. I’m guessing he’s still upset."
“He’s upset?” I growled.
“Yeah, I know. He made a mistake,” she sighed. “He’s young, Cesare. Young, stupid, and completely in love. He did what he thought he had to do to get close to you. Surely, you can understand that.”
“Love is a bullshit concept.”
The woman snorted and waved a hand. “Oh, come off it,” she said.
“Youv’e never not believed in love. That’s never been your issue, hon.
Your problem has always been that you love so much, and you hate that about yourself.
You can’t figure out why you’re not like the rest of them or your father.
Why you have to feel everything when they made feeling nothing look like art.
” She tapped ash from her cigarette. “The secret is that no one feels nothing. Of course they all act like they do, but that’s the bullshit. ”
My breath caught in my throat.
“You talk too much,” I grumbled. “People have been killed for less.”
“I’m seventy-six, Cesare. Older than your mother.
” She passed him a drink that one of the bartenders poured.
“There’s only one guarantee for someone my age.
Death. And fucking taxes.” She laughed, her brown skin glowing in the dim light.
“I’m more valuable alive than dead. And even if I were gone?
My words are still true.” She nodded. “Go to him. Try to fix this.”
“He’s a rat.”
“You love him.”
I stared at her. Seriously, no one could make me want to smack someone more than my own mother and Grand Myah.
The woman was smart and knew when to back off.
However, she also knew when to apply pressure.
It made her dangerous. Formidable. An asset I couldn’t get tossed into the ocean because she was making too much sense tonight.
“Where’s his room? Send him.”
“I’ll have it done.”
I strolled past Grand Myah and down an elevator to the floor below.
Walking into his room, I stopped and looked around.
Immediately, I smelled him. The scent of his skin, his cologne.
It lingered in my nostrils until it nearly made me sick, and my stomach turned.
I was about to turn on my heels and leave when I heard it.
Meow.
Immediately, I turned, and there he was.
“Cat,” I muttered as I picked him up from Rafael’s bed. “This is where you got to.” I scratched behind his ears. “Knew he was a liar. He likes you,” I mumbled.
“I hate that furball.” The voice sliced through the quiet, and I was left with the sight of Rafael as he stood in the entryway of his room.
He was wiping his hands on a towel, his jeans tight, the shirt showing more skin than not.
“He stowed away in my bag. Didn’t even know he was here until he started screaming. "
He was so calm. I hadn’t expected that. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what I’d expected, but this serene side wasn’t it. The kitten meowed again and leapt from my arms. He hit the bed, jumped down again, and then cuddled against Rafael’s ankle.
“Traitor,” I muttered.
“Don’t yell at the cat,” he said. “It’s not his fault you’re mad at me. It’s mine.” He put the cloth aside on the dresser and moved closer to me. “What are you doing here?” he breathed.
Now that was a question I didn’t have an answer to. Instead of trying to find one, I reached out and grabbed a handful of his hair at the back of his head. He whimpered, and the sound shot straight to my cock. He placed two hands on my chest, warm and solid.
“Everything is shit right now,” I said. “And I’m telling you all of this knowing you’re gonna run back to my son and spill everything, so I’m aware that’s how fucked I am.”
Rafael stiffened. “I don’t work for him anymore,” he said evenly. “And working for him didn’t mean anything compared to being with you.”
I searched his gaze. Part of me wanted to drown him. Part of me was violently confused. Was he telling the truth? Or was he full of shit? I couldn’t tell. That was the problem with Rafael.
Rafael’s face fell. “What?” he asked. “Why’d you come if you were going to look at me like that?”
“How do you want me to look at you?” I asked. “What exactly do you want me to say?” I sank to the edge of his bed. “I’m still stuck on the whole you betraying me thing.”
“I know,” he muttered. “I know, Cesare." He moved between my thighs before his hands cradled each of my cheeks. When I looked up at him, he frowned. “I never meant for shit to go this far. I swear I didn’t. Some part of me thought that I could convince you to be done. That I could tell you to make up with them. To let it all go.”
I grabbed his wrists. “Let what go? My life? It’s the only way I know how to live.”
“And is it better than your kids hurting?” he snapped. “Is you being the boss more important than them suffering?”
“Don’t,” I spat. “I made those boys strong. Do you see them? No one can hurt them; not me, not this world, not their enemies. If they have to hate me then so be it. Even if I dethrone Benito, he will be okay. They all will. I don’t regret making them stronger.
Even if it leaves me on the outside. They have each other; they don’t need me. ”
“That’s not true,” Rafael urged. “It’s what you tell yourself, but they need you. And you don’t need to keep pushing this agenda. All it does is hurt you and them.”