35. CHARLOTTE
35
I wish I’d put my foot down and told him I didn’t want to go tonight.
Walking into the bathroom, I’m reminded once more that I’m no longer in North Carolina as I look at the gold metallic walls, with another chandelier hanging in the center of the room. The area is spacious, like you need to have some bathroom etiquette just to be allowed to touch the faucets, yet there are only four stalls, all occupied.
I wait patiently for a stall to open, glancing at myself in front of the mirror, hoping I still look somewhat presentable, even though I know I definitely don’t look like your typical LA girl. My green eyes are staring back at me with a sad look on my face, and I shake my head, trying to get rid of it.
As much as I love hearing all the shit Hunter and Jason have been up to, it also feels like he’s slipping further away from me the more they tell me. He seems to blend into this world really easily, and I’m not even surprised, because he’s that type of guy.
That type of guy who mesmerizes people with his boyish grin, captivates you with his charming words, and has enough confidence to persuade you to follow his lead. LA might have brought him here, but he’ll be king of the city soon enough.
I can already see it.
I know he didn’t mind looking out for me in high school, always giving me the feeling I was more important than anything. But this jet-set life is a whole different game. The girls ready to throw themselves at their feet when we entered the room, scowling at me like they wanted to rip me apart.
“Suck it up, Charlotte,” I mumble to myself, taking a deep breath, as one of the stalls opens and a tall girl walks out of it like she’s a princess. Her rose pink dress perfectly hugs her hips, and her long brown hair is styled with wavy curls bouncing around her head. I quickly glance at her perfect face as she grabs a lip gloss out of her small designer purse and red-oes her lips.
Not wanting to keep staring at her, I offer her a coy smile, turning around to do my business.
“Wait,” she yelps, making me turn around to face her. “You’re that girl who walked in with Hunter Hansen, aren’t you?” She gives me a friendly smile that doesn’t match her eyes, and I raise my eyebrows at her.
I shouldn’t be thrown off by his newfound celebrity status, but I am. It’s weird that the boy I used to spend my entire day with is now some kind of public property. That I have to share him with the world. But I guess this is our new reality. The reality where it’s not just the girls of my class who want him, but any girl out there. The reality where my best friend… isn’t just mine anymore.
“Yeah, that’s me.” I fold my arms in front of my body in a defiant stance, knowing exactly what’s about to happen. I’ve seen enough movies with mean girls and her energy reeks of Regina George meets Blair Waldorf, as if she invented the character herself.
“What are you?” She waves her lip gloss over my body in a condescending way. “His girlfriend? High school sweetheart?”
I huff in response, letting out a sarcastic chuckle and throwing her a scowl, though the accuracy of her assumption also cuts in my heart. “I’m his best friend. ”
I want to lie and tell her we’re more than that, but I made him promise we were friends. Lying about being his girlfriend is not something a friend would do.
“Aaaaaaah, now I get it.” She turns back around to face the mirror with an evil smile on her face, and I narrow my eyes at her.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.” She shrugs, her back still my way while her eyes stare at me in the mirror. “I just assumed you were his girlfriend since they’ve let no girls up, yet they have for the last few weeks. Figured he needs to keep up the non-cheating boyfriend appearance, but since you’re just his best friend”—she turns around, her brown hair spreading out in the air—“I guess there’s no harm in making a play on that sexy fighter then.” She gives me a wink.
“Actually, we’re just catching up. I’m pretty sure he’s not available for hook-ups tonight.” I glare. “Maybe you’ll have better luck next week.”
Her eyes narrow at me as she takes a step closer, getting into my personal space, towering above me with her high heels.
“Don’t think you’re special, sweetheart. I bet a bunch of girls got up there as soon as you walked off the VIP deck. You’re just his friend . You won’t give him pussy tonight. But I will.” My face falls when she purses her lips in amusement, then walks out the door while oxygen evaporates from my lungs.
Blinking rapidly at my reflection in the mirror, I grab the cold marble of the sink with both hands, trying to hold myself up, a tight grip enclosing around my chest. I close my eyes, taking deep breaths, trying to get my thoughts back on track.
She’s right.
But he’s never put any girl before our friendship, and I’m sure he won’t start now .
He’s single, and free to do whatever he wants, but he won’t be hooking up with anyone tonight. Not when I’m here for him. He wouldn’t do that to me.
I get into the stall to pee, then wash my hands, getting ready to get back out there. Giving myself a once-over with a few deep breaths, I try to gather my confidence, like I did back in high school.
When I’m walking back up the stairs, I feel much better, deciding I will let nothing ruin my night. I’m in LA with my best friend, who I haven’t seen in forever, and I’m going to enjoy the limited time we have together.
With a smile splitting my face, I reach the bottom of the stairs and instantly my face falls at the sight in front of me. Jason has his arms wrapped around two girls, while some girl is giving Hunter a lap dance, and some guy that wasn’t here when I left ogles me with a red head tucked under his arm.
Oh my fucking god. That asshole!
A lump forms in the back of my throat while my heart races and a stone settles in my stomach. Breathing in through my nose, I notice the girl from the bathroom standing against the railing of the balcony talking to her friend. She quickly sees me, shooting me an evil smile that makes me clench my jaw, and I raise my chin, refusing to show her my discomfort.
For a few moments, I stand there, my feet frozen to the floor, not knowing what to do. The humid air mixed with alcohol makes my stomach somersault in agony while I wait for my fight-or-flight to kick in.
I want to get up there and slap the smirk he aims at the girl in his lap right off his face. I want to drag her off and kick him in the nuts, because the bastard should’ve known better than this. I don’t care if he’s the fucking king of the jungle or the newest fuckboy in LA, but this is just a fucked-up move .
I watch him with a heaving chest as he takes a sip of his tumbler filled with an amber liquid. The memory of Kim on his lap a few months back flashes in front of my eyes, only fueling my anger. I knew this was a bad idea.
Glancing between Hunter and Jason, I think about what the hell I’m going to do, until Jason notices me, and a busted look appears on his face. I offer him a questioning look, and he gives me a sympathetic one back, pushing the girl from his lap while he tries to get Hunter’s attention. When he’s too wrapped up in his new girl to notice, I shake my head with a humorous laugh before I turn around, storming back down the stairs in a cloud of anger.
I know, technically, I have no right to be angry, even though it feels like he stabbed me in the back, piercing right through my heart until it pops out on the other side of my body.
I get it.
He’s single.
He doesn’t owe me shit.
But I’ve never been okay with third wheeling while he’s hooking up with some girl, and that hasn’t changed. I came here to visit him, to see my best friend, and to spend time with him. Not to watch him getting dry humped by some bimbo. Feeling angry as fuck, I strut out of the crowded club until I reach the pavement outside, and I look around, wondering what the fuck I’m going to do. Frustrated, I grab my phone out of my boot, dialing the one person who can help me.
“What’s up, girl? Are you calling me to tell me you’re at some fancy LA party?” Julie’s voice booms through the phone, and any other time, it would make a smile appear on my face. Right now, I just wave some air onto my flushed skin, trying to hold back the emotions growing thicker than my rage .
“I’m taking the red-eye home, and I need you to tell me that’s a good idea.” My voice cracks, and I close my eyes to push back the tears forming behind my gaze.
“Whoa! What happened? What’s going on? Where’s Hunter?”
“Getting dry humped by some girl in this fancy club we’re at.”
I can barely believe my own words.
“That dickhead,” she growls. “Where’s Jason?”
“Next to him with his hands on two girls.”
“Oh, they are really living the life, aren’t they?” The tone in her voice is mocking, and I know she’s trying to cheer me up, but I’m not having it. I just want to leave to get my ass back to the East Coast, where I belong.
“I want to leave, Julie.” I fill up my lungs with the fresh air of the night, then tentatively blow it back out. “I want to leave, and I don’t even know how. My stuff is at their house, which, by the way, is fucking huge, and it has an infinity pool and everything. Oh, and you can even see the Hollywood sign looking out of the window. The Hollywood sign, Jules,” I ramble, a few frustrated tears slipping down my cheeks. “It’s ridiculous. We’re not even twenty-one, but no one batted an eye when we arrived at this club. It’s grand, and it’s glamorous, but it’s not fucking me, and I want to leave. But now I don’t even know where they live, so I can’t get a cab to get my stuff, and I don’t know what to fucking do!” I pinch the bridge of my nose.
“Okay, first. Breathe.”
I suck a deep breath, doing what she says.
“Good. Now breathe out.” Deliberately, I exhale, repeating the move as Jason’s voice calls out my name behind me.
“Charlotte, where are you going?” Ocean blue eyes impale me with worry.
“Home.”
“Is that Jason?” Julie asks through the phone.
“Yeah. ”
“Good. Tell him to take you home. If you really want to leave, then leave, girl. No point in torturing yourself.”
“Alright, I’ll call you later.” I hang up the phone, looking into Jason’s friendly face, shimmering down my anger a bit, even though I’m angry at both of them.
“You can’t go home.” He gives me a serious look, his hands rubbing my arms, trying to comfort me.
Before I can respond, Hunter comes bursting out of the club, a bewildered look on his face. Without waiting for any response, he pushes Jason to the side, grabbing the back of my neck in a possessive way that almost makes my heart stop.
“What are you doing? Where are you going?”
Oh, fuck no. Trying to keep it together and hold my ground, I put a scowl on my face and look up. His hazel eyes swirl with darkness, fueled by alcohol, I’m sure.
“Home.”
“The hell you are,” he growls.
He glances left and right down the street, noticing the curious faces pointed at us, then grabs my arm, pulling me a few yards away.
“What? You don’t want your new friends to see what an asshole you are?” I snicker with anything but humor.
“Shut up, Charls.” He spins me, pushing my back against a wall in an alley, out of sight. “Why are you mad?” His eyes shoot daggers at me as I give him a stern look, noticing Jason standing at a distance behind him with his arms crossed in front of my chest. I’m not scared of Hunter. I know he will never hurt me, but knowing Jason, I also know his scowl is probably for his friend instead of for me, and it’s giving me that extra spark to keep my rage blazing.
“Because I came here to spend time with you! Not to watch you hooking up with some girl! ”
“What do you want from me, Charlotte ?” He slams his palms against the wall beside my head, caging me in, getting into my space like he has many times before when he didn’t get his way. But this time, it’s different. This time, it’s filled with frustration, fueled by an angry energy that’s overwhelming. “You said friends. And now, here you are, pissed because I’m getting attention from some girl? Are you jealous? Is that it?”
My hands ball to fists, refraining myself from slapping his face to the other side of the city. The audacity of this fucking guy.
“You clearly drink more,” I tell him as calmly as possible.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“It means as soon as you start drinking, you change into a righteous ass,” I shout at his face, my fury taking over, not willing to be treated like some insignificant girl.
I’m a good girl, I know that. I might not be bold and seductive like those chicks inside that club. But I’m a good person, and there is no chance in hell I will ever let any guy treat me like shit. Not even Hunter fucking Hansen.
“Oh, you’re so full of shit. Just tell me you’re jealous, and I’ll ditch that girl to fuck you tonight.”
No.
No.
Just fucking no.
My jaw drops to the floor, and my ears are turning red hearing the shit he’s actually saying to me right now. “Fuck you tonight?” I repeat his words with a tone that’s deep, growling, and ominous. “Because that’s what I am to you? Just a fuck ?” I hustle him off me, strutting past him, trying to create space between us and not kick him between the knees. How dare this son of a bitch talk to me like that.
I can’t take more than three steps until he grabs my arm, but I can only be a good girl for so long, and I spin on my feet, connecting my palm with his cheek. “Stay the fuck away from me! Don’t you dare talk to me like that! Like I’m one of your skanks. I’m not. And you better damn remember that, asshole !”
“Then tell me what the deal is! We were having a good night until you stormed out of the club!” he shouts in my face, throwing his snapback over his head as if it’s keeping him from punching something.
“ We were having a good time until you decided it was a good idea to invite some girls to the party.”
“They were already there,” he pipes up, trying to be a smartass.
I pull my hair with a huff, my emotions getting the best of me. Shaking my head, I bite my lip to prevent the waterworks from exploding.
“What is wrong with you? I fly across the country to see you, and here you are, trying to hook up with some girl? When have I ever been okay with being present for that? When?” I shout, my voice cracking more with every syllable, while the hurt inside of me grows like an evil tumor.
His gaze stays trained with mine, his rage slowly getting replaced by something that looks like regret.
“Never,” he finally mutters, taking a step closer to erase the distance between us.
I take a step back, and his face falls at my move, pain washing his features. My eyes peer up into his, softly shaking my head as I give him a disappointed look. This was a mistake. We can’t keep doing this any longer. I can’t do this any longer. I know I said friends, but I owe it to him to tell him the truth, and to see if we could work, no matter how bad it might end.
I can’t be scared to lose and love him at the same time.
I need to choose.
We keep staring at each other; the tension forming a thick wall between us .
I’m dying to break it down, to let it all out, knowing I have to, but it seems to grow higher and higher, and before it’s growing above my head, I suck in a deep breath.
Before I chicken out, I open my mouth, giving him the words I’ve been scared to share for so long.
“I love you, Hunter.” His eyebrows move up in shock, and a glint of hope shines in his eyes before they narrow, pushing it out as quickly as it appears. My heart falls, but there’s no way back. I scrape out every ounce of bravery I can find in my body, finishing what I started, even though I already know I’ll fly back home tonight with only half a heart. “I think I’ve loved you for a long time now. So yeah, you’re right. I am jealous. I’m jealous because I have to go home again tomorrow, when all I want to do is stay here with you. I love you, and I think you love me too. I need you as my best friend. But I want more .”
His chest slowly moves up and down as he takes deep breaths, staying quiet as he processes my words. Jason keeps eying us, giving me a proud look that makes a tear escape from the corner of my eye.
Moments pass, feeling like forever, when finally I know he will not give it to me. He will not push back his fear for me. My lips part while it feels like my heart is crashing to the pavement in a thousand pieces, leaving nothing more inside my body than an empty feeling.
“C-Charls, f-fuck,” he stammers with a terrified look on his face.
“Don’t.” I shake my head, offering him a small smile while I wipe the tears away with the back of my hand. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say it. Best friends, right? That’s what we are. That’s all we've ever been.”
He doesn’t answer, instead he swallows hard as his gaze wandering off, his thoughts taking over, the strong man being replaced by the young boy I met at the creek that day. Looking lost in his life, having no clue what to do.
“Hunter,” I bellow, trying to snap him out of his thoughts. His eyes lock with mine, desperation washing his face, and I close the distance between us, placing my hand over his heart as I look up at him, knowing he’s close to losing his shit. “It’s for the best.”
Finally, he nods, his stern look still piercing through me as I do my best to stay strong. You know how sometimes in life you reach a turning point? The end of the road, and all you can do is go left or right, hoping you’ll choose the right path? This is it. I know that no matter what happens after today, whatever Hunter and I have, this moment will change it. It can either destroy us, or it can build us as high as a skyscraper, but looking into his troubled gaze, I know it’s not my decision anymore.
I confessed.
I can’t force him to do the same.
“I’m leaving.” Not waiting for his reaction, I look past him at Jason. “Can you take me home?”
Jason nods, and I look up one last time, cupping his cheek. His silence is slowly killing me inside. Yet I pretend to be fine.
“Goodbye, Hunt.” Giving him one last smile, I break our connection. He moans, a sound that aches all the way through my bones, and I sense his hand going over my stomach as I walk toward Jason. With fire and Jason on my heels, I trot down the street, resisting the urge to look back.
“Are you okay, Charlotte?” Jason asks, trying to keep up with me.
“Not even a little bit,” I confess without hesitation. “But I will be.”