Chapter 28 #2
“Please tell me how I can make this right, Camilo. I truly thought this would make things easier for you. I just. I don’t know.” He put both his hands in his hair, pulling hard. “Fuck. Why does everything have to be black and white with you, mi amor? Why can’t you ever give an inch?”
Before I knew it, I’d rushed up to him, almost crashing into his body, until we were standing an inch apart. We were so close I had to look up to see his face, and I let him see mine. I let him take a close look at the hurt and humiliation I was feeling.
“I don’t give an inch, Tom? Is that what you just said to me?
I risked my job, the renovation project to be with you.
I’m not sure if you’ve already forgotten this given your financial situation, but some of us can’t pay for rent and food if we lose our jobs.
” I slapped the palm of my hand against my chest as I spoke.
Tom just stood there silent. “I could have lost my employment, messed up my standing with my boss and the agency, which would have been fucking devastating. And I did it anyway, because I wanted to be with you. Because I fell in love with you. Because I thought I’d finally found someone who could see me.
” I was sobbing now, so hard I had to gulp down air to get words out.
“Someone who understood me and could be kind to those parts of me other people find so hard to deal with.”
Tom shuddered, and looked like he was struggling too. “I could not keep watching you kill yourself, mi vida. You have to understand, I didn’t know what else to do.”
I shook my head, backing away.
“No, using your money to fix a problem is not showing love. It’s a transaction.
And you know what hurts the most? I still think you know me and that you do get me, but you did this anyway, because it was easy.
” I laughed then and it sounded so hollow.
“I thought all those times before in relationships when people did or said thoughtless things had been painful, but this—”
I was gasping for air so I could speak.
“Tom, you chose to do something you knew would hurt me, hurt us.”
I closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them, I saw Tom’s face was streaked with tears.
When he pulled me into his arms, I just let him hold me.
From where I was standing, I could the see the painting with the street scene from Ethiopia.
Today with the room only lit by a reading lamp, the bodies which always looked so bright and full of energy seemed lifeless, downtrodden.
I closed my eyes and tasted salt as I licked my dry lips.
Tom put his mouth on my neck and begged. “Perdoname mi amor, por favor. I’m so sorry.”
I stayed there until my breathing went back to normal and just as Tom was trying to hold me tighter, I pushed him away.
“No, no. You can’t make this better by kissing me and telling me you love me.
” I turned around wiping my eyes, then picked up my backpack and started for the door.
He made like he was about to follow, but I held up my hand.
“I need you to understand something, Tom. I love you. I would do almost anything to be with you, but I will not tolerate what you did today ever again. You put me in an impossible position and you did it by putting money at the center of our relationship. If you can’t see why this would hurt me, then you need to figure it out, or I don’t know if we can come back from this. ”
I walked out of Tom’s house feeling skinned.
Completely exposed and raw. Flayed by the hurt of knowing in the end, Tom had taken everything he knew about me and set it aside.
What I’d said to him was the truth, this felt like nothing ever had before.
I was scared, too, because deep down I knew I wasn’t strong enough to stay away from him, even if he didn’t fix what he’d broken today.
Tom
Priya, Sanjay, and Henock came to my house at some point after Camilo left. I didn’t know how long I’d been sitting in my living room, but when they came in, the house was completely dark. I heard someone turn on a lamp, and then Priya came and knelt in front of me, her face full of worry.
“What happened, Tom? Camilo texted me saying we should come and check on you.”
I laughed bitterly at that, hating myself. Even after he dumped me for being a thoughtless asshole, Camilo still made sure there was someone there to take care of me.
“Where’s Kalyani?” I asked when I didn’t see the baby.
Priya waved her hand in the direction of their house. “She’s with the nanny. We’re finally giving it a try. I’m going back to work in a few weeks, so we need to get her settled with someone, now that my mom went back home.”
Sanjay sat down across from me and asked again. “What’s wrong, Tom?”
I nodded and opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I tried again and when I spoke, I sounded so wooden and flat I could barely recognize my own voice.
“I think Camilo broke up with me.”
“What, why?” Priya’s eyes widened and she looked around as if trying to figure out if Heni and Sanjay had any idea of what was going on.
I put my head in my hands. “I didn’t take your advice.” I just sat there not explaining, not wanting to say what happened.
I sighed, feeling so fucking awful. Because Camilo was right. This whole time he’d been the one taking risks, going out on a limb again and again to move our relationship forward.
What did I have to lose really? And when he really needed my support, when he was at his breaking point, instead of asking him what I could do to make it better, I insisted on doing the one thing he’d asked me not to do. I turned to look at Priya who was now sitting down on the couch next to me.
“Remember how I mentioned his mom took unpaid leave from work because she was struggling with her depression and needed some time to take care of herself?”
Priya and the guys nodded.
“Well, in the end, things got complicated. Her rent was increased a while ago and she’d been accumulating the arrears.
Taking care of the rent increase basically ate up all of her and Camilo’s savings, and they still needed to figure out rent payments while she was out on leave.
Camilo insisted she take the time off and started taking on freelance work to make extra money.
This was on top of his job, which is already huge with the renovation project being in the final stages.
” I closed my eyes for this part, because every minute that passed, I was more and more frightened I’d done something irrevocable.
“What did you do, Tom?” I flinched internally at Priya’s question. At the censure in her voice.
“I’ve been asking how I could help, and he kept saying everything was fine. But this week when he was here, he could barely keep his eyes open. He looked so exhausted, I was worried for him. So, today I paid the balance for the arrears and covered Dinorah’s rent for the next six months.”