Chapter 29
chapter twenty-nine
camilo
The messages and missed call notifications on my phone were out of control, after being off the grid for twenty-four hours, people were getting on edge. I’d turned on my phone about an hour ago and was still listening to voicemails.
I’d gotten back home from my blowout with Tom in a fog.
I called my mom to tell her I was fine, but that I needed some time to myself.
I begged her not to come over or have any of my friends come over until I had time to think.
After that, I’d just lain in bed, completely numb. Not crying, not angry, just…empty.
I kept playing the fight over and over in my head, how scared Tom looked and how fucked up I’d felt.
I knew I needed to talk to him, to give him a chance to at least properly apologize.
But I wasn’t ready, not yet. I heard the intercom buzz and got up to answer, dreading having to deal with my friends’ concerned questions.
“Yeah?”
“It’s us, babe. We have wine and other supplies.”
“I don’t know if I’m up to company yet, Ayako.”
Before she had time to answer, Juan Pablo’s loud voice suddenly came over the speaker.
“Camilo Santiago, it’s fucking freezing out here, and this pizza is getting cold. Let us in so we can make you feel better and figure out how you can get back together with this rich douchebag. Come on, pa. My feet are going numb.”
I grumbled pushing the buzzer. “Fine, but I’m not in the mood to talk.”
I left my door open for them before getting back in bed. I hit play on my iPhone again and went back to staring at my wall. After a minute, Ayako and Juanpa stormed into my tiny apartment.
“Oh my god, why are all the lights off, Camilo? I’m going to kill myself.”
That was Ayako. She flipped the kitchen light on, causing me to yelp and pull the covers over my head.
“Ugh, that’s too bright, Ayako.” She totally ignored my complaint and came over to the bed instead. She immediately started trying to pull me up and hug me at the same time.
“How are you doing, hon? You had us so worried.” Her forehead was all wrinkled as she pulled back to take a good look at me. “Where are we at right now? Are we cursing his name and burning the shit he bought, or are we just retreating to figure things out?”
I shrugged her off grumpily. “Ayako, chill. I’m getting up in a minute. I’m just cold. And no, we’re not burning anything just yet, but we’re definitely not doing well.” She squeezed my shoulder in sympathy.
“We got you, friend. We brought everything we need to figure this out.” She started listing things. “Wine, pizza, emergency pack of Camel lights—”
She stopped and tilted her head to listen to the music that was playing.
“Oh damn, is that ‘Ex-Factor’?” She straightened like she was girding her loins.
I rolled my eyes at her clowning. “Okay, so we’re rolling deep tonight.
” She looked over at Juanpa like they needed to revise the game plan and he nodded solemnly.
They were so extra, but I really was glad to have them here.
“This shit is serious if we’re throwing back to The Miseducation,” Juanpa said, pulling a pint of some kind of artisanal gelato from the paper bag he was holding. “Good thing we stopped at the bougie bodega down the street and got this.”
Ayako gave us both a thumbs-up, and went to the kitchen. Immediately she started putting wine in the fridge and getting plates out, as I stared at their takeover of my apartment.
Juanpa the dirtbag was already eating a slice of pizza out of the box without even taking his coat off. He gestured to the box as if asking if I wanted a slice. I shook my head.
“I’m not hungry.”
Ayako scoffed at my rejection. “Well you’re going to eat and tell us what happened! Dinorah’s worried about you, too. She asked us to tell you to call her.”
“I called her already. She’s at Odette’s at a dinner party. I told her I’d come over tomorrow.”
Juanpa finished inhaling his slice of pizza and walked over to me after finally taking his Tims and coat off. “Have you talked to Tom?”
I turned my head away and lay back on my side, so I was back to staring at my new favorite spot on the wall.
“No, I have like four messages from him, but I didn’t call him back.
The first couple were right after I left his house.
They were just desperate, and begging me to call him.
The last one was from this morning. He said he knew how much he’d hurt me and if I could just give him a little bit of time, he would show me how much he loves me. ”
“Damn.” Juanpa, always a man of few words.
I stopped to take a deep breath, feeling like I was going to cry. “He said, he never wants to lose me.” I sighed as Ayako passed me a slice of pizza. I glanced up at her with a hopeful look. “Vino?”
She just wagged her finger at me. “Not until you eat. Then we can get intoxicated.”
I frowned and took a bite as she watched me eat. “Fine.”
I worked on my pizza for a few minutes as the other two got settled. By the time I’d finished my slice, Ayako had gotten in bed with me, and Juanpa was in a chair next to the bed.
He leaned in, his handsome face serious. “So give us the details, because the eight-word text you sent out last night was pretty vague.”
After I’d hung up with my mom, I texted the guys and Ayako to let them know what happened. I didn’t have the energy to explain, so I’d just sent them a super cryptic message.
I broke up with T. Will call tomorrow.
Then shut off my phone before any of them could respond.
“I need wine first.” Ayako passed me the glass she brought me from the kitchen, and I started to speak when Juanpa held up a hand while he pulled his phone out of his pocket.
“Wait, let me FaceTime P and Nesto. They told me to call them when we came over.” He talked while tapping on the screen. “They almost drove down here today while you were still MIA. We were too scared of you to show up unannounced after you asked us not to, but it was discussed.”
I chuckled helplessly at Juanpa’s attempt to make me laugh. “You’re not funny.”
“I’m not trying to be, you scared us.” I still felt like shit, but it was good to have my friends with me right now.
A few seconds later, I heard Patrice’s voice come over the speaker. “How’s it going?” Juanpa just shook his head and moved his chair so Ayako and I could see the screen. Nesto, Jude, and Patrice were all sitting on a couch with worried looks on their faces.
Nesto leaned forward, so he was staring right at me. His brows furrowed. “How we doing, brother?”
I lifted a shoulder in response. “Not great, but at least I don’t feel like my heart got ripped out of my chest like I did yesterday.”
Patrice leaned in, too, but Nesto spoke again before he got a chance.
“Do you need us to come down? Just say the word and we’re there.
” Both Jude and Patrice nodded furiously at Nesto’s offer.
“You were here to hold me down when shit got real last year with Jude.” He turned his head then and smiled at his blond lover, who stared up at him with such tenderness, it made my heart ache.
“You don’t have to that, but thanks for the offer.” After a second, Nesto turned back to look at me.
“I know things seem completely fucked up now, but I know they’ll work out, Camilo. He just got mad extra on you, but you can come back from that.” He gave me a cheeky smile then. “Just like the rest of us, he had to learn the hard way to take your grumpy ass seriously when you ask for something.”
I closed my eyes, feeling the tears starting to well up. There was too much happening in the feelings department. I took another gulp of wine and handed the glass to Ayako, so I could make a time-out sign with my hands.
“You motherfuckers need to stop it with this lovefest. I’m already a fucking wreck, so please keep your shit together for a minute, so I can tell you what happened.”
After about two seconds of everyone trying to hold it in, Nesto and Juanpa busted up and for the first time in the last twenty-four hours, I felt like maybe things would be okay. When we all stopped laughing, I took my glass back from Ayako and started talking.
“I love him, there’s no doubt and I’m certain he loves me.
The issue is he broke my trust. And I’m scared if I let him get away with this now, I’ll be having to overlook overbearing and, frankly, disrespectful shit forever.
The worst part is I know I’ll get back together with him if he shows up, even if he does nothing to make amends. ”
Ayako put her arm around my shoulder after my grim prediction.
“Hon, you said he asked you for time in his message and that he said he would show you he understood where he’d gone wrong.
Maybe he’s thinking of a way of repairing things.
He knows where you live and he hasn’t come around yet.
” I got another squeeze of the shoulder and nods all around.
“He’s a good guy. Clearly he’s not perfect and is a little too reliant on his bank account to do his work for him, but he loves you and he makes you happy. ”
I sipped my wine, thinking about what she said. “Maybe. I hope so. Because I know if we just get back together without fixing this, it will be the beginning of the end. I won’t be able to live with myself if I just take him back, after what he pulled.”
They all gave me matching sympathetic faces, but didn’t offer any more platitudes. Clearly there was no quick, easy fix for where things had gone wrong for Tom and me. “Thanks for coming to sit vigil with me,” I said to Ayako, then waved at the screen. “And for offering to drive down.”
Ayako shook her head at me like I was being ridiculous. “Nothing died, babe.”
Juanpa, Nesto, P, and Jude gave their own enthusiastic nods, then J spoke. “We’ll be here with you until the bitter end, unless you start playing that band with those dudes who sound like whiny cats. You know I can’t go there with you, pa.”
Fucking Juan Pablo had to make me laugh again. “Shut up, MCR don’t sound like whiny cats, and don’t even front like you don’t have Helena in one of your Spotify playlists. I know what you get up to.”
He just ignored me and stood up.
“I’m getting more wine.”
Jude balked at Juanpa’s derision. “I like My Chemical Romance.”
Nesto put his arm around him shaking his head. “Damn, babe, you just said that and I’m still obsessed with you.” He waved his hand between the two of them, the smile on his face was pure mischief. “This shit must be real.”
Jude turned red then pinched him hard on the arm, and Nesto glared in my direction. “Ow, shit. See, Camilo, he’s pinching people now, too. You’re a bad influence.”
Ayako and I sat on the bed chuckling while J got us more drinks and the other three messed around on the screen. I felt grateful for my friends and hoped Tom had someone with him tonight. I wondered if we really would be alright. If we could move past this.
I hoped so, I did, but now the seed of doubt had been planted. I feared maybe he didn’t know me as well as I thought. That he didn’t get which were the things that really mattered most to me. I didn’t know if there was anything Tom could do to make me fully trust him again.