Chapter 35
SANTIAGO
I’d never really felt at home in my office. As I packed up the few personal possessions I had in here, I wondered why that was. Before, I’d had no reason to think it wouldn’t be mine for years to come, but I’d still always felt like it didn’t really belong to me.
There had been times when people had come in when I’d frozen like they’d caught me someplace I wasn’t supposed to have been. Maybe it’d been my gut all along, telling me I shouldn’t get too comfortable because I was going to fuck it up anyway.
Which I’d now done. So I supposed I’d been right all along.
“What are you doing?” Neil asked as he opened the door without knocking and got a good look at the box I was packing.
I shrugged. “I’m quitting early.”
My friend’s brow furrowed before he shut the door firmly behind him. He strode over to my desk and crossed his arms tight. “Is this because of the girl? Are you leaving because of her?”
“No. Well, yes. In a way, maybe, but—” I looked up as I ran my hands through my hair, only to see Ron Perkins standing in my door.
I hadn’t even heard it open again, but when Neil realized there was someone behind him and spun around to see who it was, the color drained out of his cheeks. Ron gave him a polite smile. “Do you mind giving us a minute?”
Neil dipped his head in a curt nod, but despite how he was always talking shit about standing up to Ron, he didn’t do it now. Instead, he didn’t say a single word to the man before he disappeared from my office like a coward.
I sighed but let him go. It wasn’t like I could demand he stayed. That would just have made me a coward as well.
As soon as the door clicked shut behind him, Ron’s gaze met mine. “What’s been going on between you and my daughter, Cortez?”
Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck. Triple fuck.
My eyes slammed shut as the air left my lungs in an audible whoosh, but I didn’t even try to hide it. Frankly, I had too much respect for this man to lie to him when he asked me an outright question straight to my face.
This conversation was going to suck, but I was leaving the service anyway. I hadn’t told anyone yet since I’d wanted to get my stuff, quit, and then leave for good, but the fact remained that I had nothing left to lose here.
I was going anyway. There was nothing they could do to me that was worse than that. Thinking about retiring and actually packing my shit were two entirely different things, and now that it’d come down to it, I’d realized that I didn’t really want to leave.
It was just that I’d had enough. I’d done the best I’d been able to here and it still hadn’t been good enough. Then there was the pesky matter of having it bad for a damn cadet. I was just done.
When my eyes opened again, I looked right at Ron and told him the truth. I owed him at least that.
“Layla and I have been seeing each other, sir,” I said, not afraid of telling him but also wishing that I hadn’t betrayed him. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did.”
Ron’s face didn’t give anything away as he stared back at me. “This is unlike you, Cortez. You’re not one to be led astray by a pretty young face.”
“No, sir. I’m not, but it’s not like that.
She’s not just a pretty young face to me.
To be honest, I don’t think I realized how much she meant to me until a couple days ago.
I always knew she was more than just something to look at, but it hit me when I saw that chopper go down that somewhere along the line, she’s become everything to me. ”
I swallowed hard, my throat still burning even though it’d been more than two days since the crash.
This had nothing to do with that, though.
The lump I was trying to swallow now had everything to do with admitting my feelings out loud for the first time—and not even to my girl, but to her father.
My mentor. The man I respected more than anyone else.
The man who cocked his head at me now, surprisingly calm despite the subject matter. “Everything? Those are fighting words, Master Chief. How exactly has she come to mean everything to you?”
“Honestly, sir? I don’t know. All I know is that she has.
I haven’t even thought about another woman since I met her, and I definitely haven’t touched one.
When we’re together, I feel like I can be myself more than I can be even when I’m alone.
She’s the first thing I think about when I open my eyes and the last thing I see when I close them before I fall asleep. ”
He was quiet for a long moment, but his intense gaze never left mine. “Are you saying all this because you think it’s what I want to hear, or is it true?”
“It’s absolutely true, sir.”
“Cut the sir shit for now, Cortez,” he said irritably. “We’re talking about you seeing my daughter. I appreciate the sign of respect, but I think we’re past that for the moment. How did this happen? You talk about her like she’s the only thing on this earth, but how did it get this far?”
I shook my head, raising my eyebrows as I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. One day, she was just a cadet, but the more I learned about her, the more I liked her. Not romantically at first, but she’s got spunk, you know?”
“I do know.”
I smiled as I thought back to that first run when she’d barely even been winded while others had struggled to keep up and had even fallen out on their very first day.
“She came into this prepared. Physically as well as mentally. I know that you probably had a lot to do with that, but she’s also talented.
She’s got a natural feel for things that I can’t quite explain. ”
“She does, but I still don’t understand how it went from that to this. Whatever this is.”
I licked my lips, rolling them into my mouth as I thought about it.
“On one of their weekends off, I was at Lucky’s waiting for a friend.
He canceled at the last minute, so I figured I’d finish my beer and head back here early.
I think I told you that she’d been having a hard time with the cadets after I made an example of that guy who treated her and her friend poorly. ”
He nodded but didn’t interrupt me.
“Somehow, she stumbled onto Lucky’s while I was there and asked if she could buy me a beer. I said no, obviously, but she was alone and she had no one to talk to, so eventually, I agreed.”
“You’re expecting me to believe you fell in love with her after she bought you a beer?”
“No, I don’t. I didn’t fall in love with her that night, but I made the mistake of getting to know her a little bit and that? That was how it started. You should know that I tried to stay away from her. I really did, but she draws me in like a moth to a flame.”
“She does that,” he mused. “People sit up and take notice of her, but most become intimidated or afraid. I take it that hasn’t happened to you?”
“It hasn’t,” I said. “I’ve noticed that with the other cadets, though.
At first, I felt responsible because I made an example of that guy before, but then I realized it couldn’t just be that.
I think it’s because they’re intimidated.
There aren’t a lot of people with her natural skill set for this and most of the people who have it are men. ”
“You have it,” he said, then gestured around my office. “Yet you’re packing up. Why?”
I blew out a slow breath before inhaling another. “I can’t do this anymore. With all due respect to the service, I can’t be told who to love. I won’t sneak around with her any longer. She deserves more than to be treated as a dirty little secret.”
He lowered his chin as his eyes widened on mine. “So you’re leaving because of her?”
“Not only because of her, but yes. I won’t live my life looking over my shoulder and even though I’ve broken it off, I?—”
“You broke it off?” He frowned. “When?”
“The other night,” I said. “Just before you walked into my apartment, actually.”
“Why? If you feel about her the way you say you do, then why the hell would you end it?”
“Like I said, she deserves more than to be treated as a dirty little secret. She also deserves more than people thinking she’s made it this far because her commanding officer made things easy for her.
Especially because nothing could be further from the truth.
I haven’t made things easy for her, but if I’m still on the Station and people find out, that’s exactly what they’re going to think. ”
“So you’re just going to quit?” He arched a brow at me. “That’s not the Santiago Cortez I know.”
“No, it’s not, but that’s how far I’m willing to go for her. She deserves to be here more than anyone else, sir. I’ve had my run, and it’s been a good one, but now is her time to shine.”
“Where is she?”
“PT. I asked one of the others to take over for me today.”
“Have you told anyone you’re leaving just yet?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No, I haven’t. Commander Nicholson was in here just the other day telling me that if I got this class done right, I could move up, but that’s not going to happen because I haven’t done it right.
I’ve gone and fallen for one of my cadets, and I’m not going to hang around to see her get reamed for it.
It’s better if I’m ready to go once I’m done here. Quickly and quietly.”
His jaw worked as he stared at me. “Are you sneaking away?”
“Nope. Just leaving, but I’m doing it with as little fanfare as possible. I don’t need to be convinced to change my mind and I certainly don’t want to give anyone time to plan a going away party.”
Ron sighed. “Do you actually want to quit? Do you really feel like your time here is done?”
“No,” I said simply. “I thought I wanted to and I thought I was done, but now that it’s happening, I’m starting to realize how much I’ve got left to give. Unfortunately, I don’t think it matters much what I want at this point. I need to step aside.”
“Stop packing.” He got up. “Leave this to me, will you?”
“I can’t do this anymore, sir. There’s nothing anyone can do to fix it.”
“I’m trusting you with my daughter, Cortez. The least you can do is to trust me with this.”
With one last pointed look at me, he spun on his heels and marched out of my office, leaving me to wonder what he was planning and hoping that it would work. If anyone could make something happen for me, it was Ron Perkins, but I wasn’t going to get excited just yet.
For as much power as he had around here, he was only human. There was only so much he could do in the face of regulations that wouldn’t change and mentalities that had been set in stone for decades. So I stopped packing, but I also didn’t do anything else.
Instead, I just sat there, hoping for a miracle but preparing for the worst. One way or another, at least I’d know by the end of the day if there was any way to save my career or if this really was the end of the road.