Chapter 22
twenty-two
Luca stared at the walls of his childhood bedroom.
It had been his and Jacob’s, technically. Kjell and Daniel had shared another; when poor Dagny came along, she’d basically lived in a glorified closet.
Kjell and Daniel’s had been converted into an office after all the kids moved out. Lucky for Luca at this moment, his parents had left Luca and Jacob’s room mostly intact for when the faraway Yaegers came back to visit.
Or when one of the local ones needed to have a pity party.
A knock sounded on the door. Luca threw the covers over his face.
Of course the one time Luca chose to have a mini-mental breakdown in his childhood home, it was on a day when the rest of the Yaegers had arrived back from sea.
When he’d walked in last night, his dad and Uncle Derek and Joe Halpern were all there, telling exaggerated stories of the run to make it sound more exciting to their wives, as they always did.
They’d all looked at him in surprise as he’d walked in unannounced.
He’d realized at once how much he’d missed them and how equally glad he was that he hadn’t been on the run with them, and a lump had formed in his throat.
And then he’d realized they were all still looking at him, and he hadn’t made up a single story on the drive over about why he was there. He’d mumbled something about the farm being full-up from the wedding and then stumbled into bed.
He loved his family. But he couldn’t face his dad right now. He still wasn’t sure if his stint as a farmer had been a failure or not. He didn’t want to face him until he knew.
But when his mom said, “It’s me,” through the door, he flopped his covers back down with a sigh.
“Come in.”
“Brought you coffee,” she said when she walked in, and now Luca had to sit up.
Leaning over the bed, he grabbed a t-shirt from the floor and threw it on before struggling upright.
He took Leah’s proffered mug once he was semi-decent, settling the covers around his waist so his mom wouldn’t have to see her grown son in his underwear.
“Thanks,” he said belatedly, and took a sip.
His eyes closed as his taste buds absorbed Leah’s sugary coffee. She always used those overly-sweet flavored creamers that Luca knew Emerson King would never buy, because he was pretty sure they were ninety percent palm oil. But sometimes—that palm oil just hit.
“So.” Leah leaned her back against the wall, side by side with Luca. “You going to tell me the story of why you’re here and not at the farm? Because last I knew, the wedding guests were all staying at a hotel in Lincoln City.”
“I offered the grooms my cabin for the night,” Luca mumbled. “So technically, they are there.” As far as Luca knew, anyway.
“And did the rest of the wedding party crash Emerson King’s house?”
Luca stared down into his coffee.
“No.”
And then, after a pregnant pause, he opened his mouth and it all came spilling out.
Luca had come out to his family as gay in high school. Everyone had been cool with it, even his dad, the only person, as always, Luca had been worried about. It had been an overall low-key affair.
He’d then proceeded to not mention a single thing about his love life ever since.
And while his face burned as soon as he started talking, it felt…
okay. Like, awkward, but okay. Less strange than he might have imagined.
Obviously he didn’t explain any of the sexual details, but he was somehow able to explain that he, you know, cared.
About a person. Maybe it helped that Leah already knew Emerson.
Maybe it helped that Luca had already been talking to Leah so much more since he’d stayed home from the boats. He’d learned to be quiet, growing up here in the middle of a loud household. But these last few weeks when it had only been him and his mom—it had grown easier to open his mouth.
Leah listened patiently until he got to the part where Jayden told him he’d kill him. Twice.
At that, she burst into laughter.
Luca stared at her, mouth agape.
“Mom,” he said. “That is like, the least funny part.”
Except even as he said it, he started to laugh, too. He couldn’t be mad at his mom when she laughed. She really was the most beautiful person. And she was even more beautiful when she laughed.
“I’m sorry!” She fluttered a hand over her face. “It’s just—my sweet, dear Luca. You’ve never been threatened by anyone before, have you?”
“No!” he shouted. And then, with another laughing, flaming-cheeked look down into his mug, he assessed, “It felt weird.”
“I imagine it did. Oh, poor Jayden.”
His head jerked toward her again, all laughter fizzled out. “Poor Jayden?”
“Of course.” She gave a slight frown. “Okay. Here are my thoughts, from what you’ve told me thus far. You say Emerson is convinced the divorce was his fault.”
“Yeah.” Luca nodded. “I’m pretty sure he beats himself up over it.”
“But Jayden was the one who left,” Leah said, without judgment.
“He was the one who gave up on the farm. I don’t doubt that he still loves Emerson, that he never stopped loving Emerson, but I’m equally certain that Jayden thinks the divorce was his fault.
That he broke his own heart just as strongly as Emerson broke his by needing to stay.
The tragedy, of course, is that they can’t see it’s neither of their faults.
That sometimes lives just don’t align. But a year isn’t so very long, once you get old; this is still fresher for both of them than they probably realize.
I’m sure they’ll see things more clearly one day.
“When it comes to you, though, Luca—I’m sure that conversation with Jayden wasn’t comfortable. But it also sounds, to me, like he was giving you permission.”
Luca’s brow furrowed.
“But—”
“He didn’t say, stay away from my man. He said, don’t hurt him. Those are the words of someone who’s accepted what’s already happening.”
Huh.
Luca rotated his mug around in his hands.
“I’m not mad at Jayden, either, really,” he admitted. “I obviously understand being in love with Emerson. But I guess the problem, for me, is that Emerson is still in love with him.”
“And you think that precludes him from also being in love with you?”
“Maybe,” Luca mumbled into his palm oil.
“Well, son, I’m going to have to disagree with you there. I’ve been at that farm. I’ve seen how Emerson looks at you with my own eyes.”
Luca looked away, embarrassed.
“Listen. Luca.” Leah adjusted herself on the bed, turning her body toward his.
“You know I love your father. No one would sign up for this life if love wasn’t involved.
Separated for weeks at a time for a good chunk of the year, never knowing each time you say goodbye if this will be the trip when the sea takes away your husband? Hell, half of your family?”
Luca looked back then.
“You really think that? Every time we leave?”
“Of course. Trust me, Luca, when you said you were giving up that life? We weren’t disappointed.
I think both me and your father were relieved.
The point is, I love your father with my whole entire soul, so this is the life I’ve chosen.
But if your father one day does pass before I do?
” Leah shrugged. “I would be heartbroken, of course. But maybe one day, I start to heal. Maybe one day, someone else comes into my life. Now, I know everyone’s different when it comes to these things.
I know some people think you have one soulmate and that’s it, done, forever.
But part of me likes to think I’d have the capacity to love again.
And I’d certainly want your father to do the same if I passed first. I wouldn’t want him to sit around alone forever, hurting over me. ”
“This is making me uncomfortable,” Luca said. “Thinking about you or dad dying is not making me feel better.”
“Sorry. I’m just saying. If I fell in love again, Luca—do you think that would take away from the love I have for your father?”
“No,” Luca said, because he knew that was what she wanted him to say. He was following her line of thought, no matter how weird it made him feel.
But it wasn’t exactly the same, not really.
Jayden wasn’t dead.
But when Leah leaned over and squeezed his forearm while she said, “Our hearts are big, Luca,” he didn’t dare disagree with her. “Don’t run away from love just because it’s complicated.”
Luca could only nod.
“Hey.” She grabbed his chin to direct him to look at her, something he couldn’t remember her doing since he was a kid.
Her voice turned low and serious when she said, “Listen to me. Sometimes you pass out in your kitchen and no one can tell you why, and they can’t tell you why your leg won’t stop hurting either.
And if you think that’s not complicated for me, you’re wrong.
But I wake up each day now and feel grateful I can still walk at all, that I woke back up on that kitchen floor.
No one can tell you how or why you fall in love with the people you do.
You just do, and you wake up and feel grateful to have known love at all.
“And sometimes, even when you’re feeling pissed about your leg hurting, showing signs of your mortality makes your kids suddenly want to talk to you again. And you start taking that as a blessing alongside the pain.”
“Mom,” Luca said, voice thick. “We’ve always wanted to talk to you.”
“Sure, sure, let me get through my motherly wisdom here. Sometimes, you wish your husband and half your damn family didn’t spend half their lives on a damn boat.
But then every time they’re away, and every time you get to welcome them back home again, it makes you appreciate every single minute of your life.
It doesn’t let you take a single thing for granted. ”
She had dropped her hand from his face halfway through this monologue, but now she brought it up again to cradle his cheek.