Amongst the Aspens

11. Benji

The last few weeks with Jack have felt like a whirlwind. He’s slowly checking off all of my fantasies. I’ve never really thought about making homemade porn but now that we’ve started, I’m a little bit addicted. Getting to watch his cock slide in and out of me, especially when he did the dual perspective shots on Halloween, often makes me come in under a minute. The man is sex on fucking legs and I can’t seem to get enough. Things have been moving so fast that it’s hard to really wrap my head around.

Jack’s whole moving in together idea is a little terrifying. I’ve been trying to be optimistic but realistic when it comes to our relationship but moving in together seems like such a big risk. What if when he’s spent weeks on end with me he realizes he actually does loathe me? I can’t help but think that the years of him hating me can’t just disappear overnight and that those feelings might resurface.

My mind is an anxious mess today so when I left Jack’s this morning I immediately started baking. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I want to get all of the sweets out of the way today. First, a batch of thumbprint cookies filled with jam and then cinnamon rolls that fill my whole apartment with the smell of bread, sugar, and sweet cinnamon.

The process takes hours with multiple rises so I kind of lose myself to the process. Normally, Jess would be here sipping wine and making me laugh during this process. I’d make a whole Thanksgiving spread and she would always roll her eyes jokingly as I carefully packed a plate for Jack with the insistence that she tell him it was from her. I figured Jack wouldn’t accept the food if he knew it came from me.

The sound of a knock on my door is a surprise. Jess is really the only one who ever came over unannounced so it’s a bit of a shock to see Jack standing there, especially when we just spent the night together.

“Jack, uh hi?”

“Are you going to invite me in?”

“Sure, right. Come on in.” I step aside and motion for Jack to step in. He pulls a Carhartt beanie from his head, sending snowflakes scattering across my floor.

I honestly hadn’t even realized it had started to snow, I was so caught up in baking that I didn’t look outside and my small apartment has no windows in the kitchen. This is the first snow of the season, later than usual, and a childish part of me feels ecstatic. I’ve always loved the snow, especially around the holidays.

“Smells really good in here, what are you making?” Jack steps out of his Timberland boots and shrugs out of his coat before following his nose to my kitchen. I’ve just pulled the rolls from the oven so the whole house is filled with the smell and Jack is practically salivating as his eyes find the rolls.

“Cinnamon rolls. I still need to frost them, I was just about to make the cream cheese icing.”

“Did Jess teach you to make these?” Jack sits down on a stool at the little peninsula, exactly where his sister used to camp out while I baked.

“No.” I can’t help but snort out a laugh because Jessica was many things but a baker was not one of them.

“She used to bring me cinnamon rolls on Thanksgiving and Christmas because my mom used to make them for holidays.”

“I loved your mom’s cinnamon rolls and this is her recipe but Jessica never made a single baked good in her life. I uh, I made those for you and had Jess tell you it was her.”

“What the fuck, why?”

“I thought you wouldn’t accept them if they had been from me. I just hated the idea of you being alone for holidays after your parents died but I knew you wouldn’t appreciate the gesture if it came from me.”

“And Jess was just fine taking credit?” Jack looks genuinely pissed and I guess it would hurt knowing you’ve been lied to multiple times over the years.

“Well, I kind of had to convince her but she agreed you might not eat them if you knew so she kind of just went along with it. We worried about you, you know? Cause we spent holidays together and you never wanted to join us so Jess would try to split time but it still left you alone for a lot of the day-”

“I’m a grown ass man, Benji. I don’t have to spend holidays with people. There were years that I didn’t even spend it with my parents when they were alive. They even took a cruise on Christmas one year.”

“Yeah, but that was by choice. It just seemed lonely once you were orphaned. I’m sorry we lied to you.” I shift uncomfortably for a moment and then turn away so I can make the frosting, happy for a distraction from Jack’s anger. It feels like we just took a big step backwards and he’s probably wondering what else he’s been lied to about over the years.

“I would have savored them more if I knew they were from you. I wouldn’t have told anyone that but I…knowing that you made them for me would have made it special. I always wondered if Jessica was secretly buying them because they were so much better than the few meals she tried to make me. I know she definitely ordered her Thanksgiving and Christmas meals because there’s no way she made turkey and roasted chicken that well. Unless she was lying about that too and you actually made those.” Jack pauses and takes in the guilty slump of my shoulders because of course I made those meals; I wanted to make sure that both Jess and Jack still had a traditional holiday meal. “…Oh God, you did…didn’t you?”

“I’m sorry-”

“Benji, you are the fucking sweetest thing.” All of a sudden Jack’s voice is in my ear, his breath tickling against my nape, and his arms around my waist. “I’m sorry I was such a dick that I made you actually believe I wouldn’t eat something you made. If I had known, I probably would have rolled my eyes and scoffed and then secretly pined over you for the rest of the night. I definitely wouldn’t have turned down your food.”

“You never accepted our invitations on holidays. Why? If you were secretly in love with me, why didn’t you want to spend time with me?”

“I was terrified you’d see right through me if we spent a lot of time together. And honestly… every time you touched Jessica I died inside from jealousy. You guys were always really touchy and cuddly.”

“If you had come over a couple years back you would have found out I was gay. One of my hookups showed up and made a whole scene out of breaking up with me on Christmas and then got really worked up when he realized I really didn’t care. Well, the timing was annoying because Jess was there and it was fucking Christmas but I wasn’t under the illusion that we were serious. A text seriously would have been fine.”

Jack’s arms tighten around me and he pulls me back against his chest like he’s trying to soothe an old wound. I still can’t really fathom that he thought I was straight given I practically scream twink.

“What an asshole. Want me to beat him up?”

I can’t help but throw my head back against his shoulder and laugh because I kind of don’t doubt that Jack would find that dude and beat him up to defend my honor. Totally unnecessary because I genuinely didn’t care even at the time.

“Nah, he wasn’t an especially good hookup anyways. Certainly didn’t have me wanting a commitment or anything more than the occasional fuck-”

A rumbly sound escapes Jack’s chest and he squeezes me tighter to cut me off and I let out a little giggle at his jealousy. Even saying a guy wasn’t great in bed is enough to work Jack up, like the idea of someone having touched me before him is unbearable. I can’t imagine how worked up he felt every time he walked in to see Jessica and I snuggling under a shared blanket on their parent’s couch.

“No more talking about the assholes who got to touch you before me. Though, I do wish I had accepted that invitation. If I would have known… we could have spent the last few years together.”

“I think we’ll probably always wonder about the near misses and how you didn’t know. But in fairness, I had no idea you were even bi. I guess we both just assumed instead of outright asking.”

I shrug before slipping out of Jack’s arms so I can finish making the frosting before the cinnamon rolls cool too much. It’s quick work and soon the rolls are frosted and Jack is practically drooling as I put one on a plate for him.

“Marry me? These are so much better hot from the oven.” Jack says with his mouthful, a smear of frosting and cinnamon on his chin. He’s so fucking cute when he isn’t being all surly and on guard. Prior to a few weeks ago, I never got to see this side of him where he’s silly and unguarded. I can already tell it’s my favorite version of Jack and I silently vow to do everything in my power to bring this side of him out more.

“So why did you come by? I just saw you this morning and I figured I’d pop by tomorrow to drop off your meal.”

“Do I need an excuse to see my boyfriend? Also, no to dropping off food tomorrow. I can just stay the night and we can spend the holiday together.”

“Inviting yourself over, huh?”

“Yup.”

“Okay, well that’s probably for the best since the snow is really starting to accumulate out there anyways. But seriously, you don’t usually just show up so what’s going on?”

“The police contacted me today about the results from searching Jess’ car.”

“Shit, did they find Eric’s DNA or fingerprints? Are we going to nail him?”

Jack shifts uncomfortably like he’s about to deliver bad news and I feel my stomach drop. Whatever they told him, it isn’t something I’m going to like hearing.

“They didn’t find any fingerprints or DNA from Eric. They found a lot from both you and I because we both rode in Jessica’s car somewhat regularly. I’m sure they’ll contact you about that soon, probably after the holiday.”

“Why would they contact me about it?”

“Because they told me not to leave town. They’re still narrowing down suspects but they did say they found a third set of DNA and a thumbprint. It doesn’t belong to Eric though. I guess he submitted his fingerprints and DNA willingly and has been” Jack pauses to do quotation marks with his fingers. “completely cooperating.”

“If it wasn’t him, who was it? Because I know it wasn’t me and I’m 99.9% sure it wasn’t you either. When we went through her iPad it didn’t seem like she was really talking to anyone else or planning to meet up with anyone. And if she was, I can’t imagine Jess willingly driving her car down that road. That road is so sketchy, she wouldn’t have wanted to drive down that and risked getting stuck. Off roading wasn’t her style.”

“No, it really wasn’t. She wouldn’t even go out with me in the Jeep and she certainly wouldn’t have wanted to on a road she didn’t know by herself in the dark. Maybe someone was following her and spooked her into immediately turning? I don’t know. It’s really weird. I just hope they figure out who that third set of DNA belongs to soon.”

We both stare at each other with grim facial expressions. Eric had made the most sense as a suspect but now that he’s definitely out it really doesn’t leave many other people to check in with.

“Did you ask about Derek?”

“Yeah, I guess he submitted his DNA and fingerprints when they first interviewed him before they even found Jessica. He’s been cleared too.”

“Fuck.” I whisper because that literally rules out the only two people we had. It feels like a total step backwards and a helpless feeling settles in the pit of my stomach.

“It’s going to be okay. It’ll take some time but they’re going to find the bastard that did this. We’ve got his DNA and a thumbprint. He can’t hide forever.”

“What if it takes years, Jack? What if they never-”

“They will. There isn’t anything we can do except cooperate with anything they need and pray for a lucky break.”

“I feel like the rug was just pulled out from under me. I feel so helpless. I really thought it had to be Eric or even Derek. It’s like we’re back to square one. I just wish I could have asked Jessica.”

“At least you got to see her one last time. I wish I had, I honestly don’t even know what the last thing we said to each other was. I had no idea it was going to be the last time I saw my sister so I just took that interaction for granted.” I pull Jack into a hug, my arms wrapped around his wide torso and my face leaning against his chest.

“I’m sorry, Jack. I almost wish I hadn’t seen her, you know? Seeing ghosts has been such a weird fluke experience that it almost wasn’t helpful at all. We just found out a little bit sooner but we would have known within a day anyways. And now I’m left with the image of Jess semi transparent with handprints around her neck. I’d much rather have her last image be of her laughing and vibrantly alive.”

“God she really was vibrant wasn’t she? One of those people who just drew everyone in and had a way of making life feel somehow more alive. I…I didn’t see much when we found her car but the smell still…”

“I wish we had stayed in the Jeep instead of walking. I don’t think either of us will ever get over what we experienced. Seeing Jess wave goodbye was the saddest fucking thing-”

“What? You saw her again?”

“Yeah, just for a moment. She was floating above her body and she gave me a sad smile and waved. I know I won’t see her again. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like I watched her go wherever we go next. It’s kind of bittersweet though because I’m glad she’s moved on, that being found was enough to bring her peace… but knowing that was the last time I’ll ever see her has such a sense of finality that it really breaks me.”

Jack’s arms tighten around me and I hear a sniffle. I look up to see tears streaming down his face, one dripping down to land on my own cheek. My own eyes well with tears and I snuggle into his chest to hide my own grief. We stand like that for a long moment before Jack finally speaks, his voice cracking with emotion.

“I’m glad she’s not suffering and that she isn’t, like, trapped here but I just wish I could have seen her one more time. I don’t understand how I could be right there when you got to say a last goodbye.”

“I wish I knew. I have no idea how or why. I’m not a psychic or a medium or whatever. I really thought the incident in high school was a fluke and I kind of hoped that the first time I saw Jess was a horrible dream. Other than a sense of some closure, I feel like me seeing her wasn’t helpful and now I’m stuck with that image. I’ll never look at aspen trees the same. The leaves…they were so tangled in her hair. I can’t look at aspens without shuddering.”

Jack nods and holds me against his chest for another moment, feeling the weight of grief and the awareness of how violent Jessica’s death really was. We sway together for a moment before Jack leans in and captures my lips, the taste and smell of cinnamon slowly helping to soothe some of the pain. I know Jack and I will both spend the rest of our lives in a cycle of mourning Jessica but I can’t help the tiny flicker of hope that maybe we’ll spend that time together. Somehow, the grief doesn’t feel as all encompassing when I’m in Jack’s arms.

Jack and I spend most of Thanksgiving baking and then eating the massive spread I prepared. I’m really glad he decided to stay over because I honestly would have broken down a little celebrating alone.

I really underestimated how much Jessica would be on my mind and how her empty barstool at my counter would feel like a blackhole sucking all of the joy from the room. Jack tries to make me smile but it’s a somber occasion for both of us and the heaviness hangs around us like a shroud.

I’m not surprised when the police call on Friday morning to ask me to come down to the station. Jack had already warned me they would likely need to clear me as a suspect. Even though I gave my fingerprints and DNA after her body was found, I’m sure it does look suspicious that I was the first to notice she was missing and the one to find her body.

My fingerprints and DNA being all over her car definitely doesn’t help matters, though anyone who knew Jess could attest to the amount of time I spent in all of her different spaces. I’ve left little pieces of myself all over her car, office, and her apartment. The same way she left pieces of herself all over my life and ultimately all over my heart. I know I’ll never have another friendship like the one we shared, it developed during some of the hardest years of my life. Jessica had a way of bringing light into even the darkest moments.

The snow is swirling around my beat up Civic and I’m thankful for the snow tires I had put on last week. The roads are already slick and the cinder rock the city puts down isn’t enough to keep a lot of people from sliding. I silently pray no one slides into my car on the slow trek to the police station. When I finally pull into a parking spot I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Eventually, I really will need to bite the bullet and buy a Subaru like the rest of the town but for now my old Civic is still getting me where I need to go slowly but surely.

The parking lot at the station is fairly empty, most people opting to stay in during the storm. I want to rip the bandaid off and get this interview over with, so the police can focus on finding out who actually killed Jessica.

After checking in at the front desk, I’m led to an interrogation room that looks like it’s straight out of Law and Order, double-sided glass and all. The chairs are uncomfortable and I can’t help but wonder if that’s on purpose because I can’t stop squirming and shifting on the cold metal.

It feels like forever before the detective finally joins me and when he does he also looks like he’s stepped out of a procedural cop show. He’s tall, at least six feet, with a thinning hairline and a small beer belly from working a sedentary job for years. He’s likely in his mid-fifties, which comes as kind of a relief because that hopefully means he has the experience to crack this case.

“Hello, Mr. Ashe. I’m Detective Macy. We met briefly the last time you were here.”

“Yes, I remember. Have there been any updates on Jessica’s case?” I try not to squirm on the metal chair because I worry it’ll look like guilt even though it’s really just that these chairs were clearly designed by the Devil himself. I’ve only been here for a few minutes and I’m already feeling my back and glutes cramping up.

“Yes, we have had some developments. Your fingerprints were found all over her car, along with your DNA. Thank you for providing a sample after she was found so that we could narrow down some of the evidence we found. We figured we would find yours because a lot of people close to Jessica said you often worked together and you would ride in her car to open houses.”

“Jess and I were really close. A couple years ago I started working with her to try and build a commercial photography portfolio so I ended up going with her to a lot of different properties. Jess also felt a little bit uncomfortable being alone at open houses so I tried to tag along for those when I could.”

“Were you two intimate?”

I raise an eyebrow and stare at the detective for a moment. I always assumed I was one of those gays who just looked gay, like it was apparent to the whole world, but now I’m starting to wonder if maybe Jack wasn’t so far off in his assumption that I liked women.

“No.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s that you never know how a stranger will react and I’m not going to out myself unless I have to.

“Have you been intimate in the past?” Detective Macy stares at me, accusations dancing in his eyes. I resist the urge to sigh because he can obviously tell I’m withholding something, only it’s not the secret he’s assuming it is. All I can do is hope the man isn’t a bigot.

“No, we’ve never been intimate. I’m gay.”

“Oh.”

The room is silent for a few beats while we just stare at each other. It’s long enough that I’m starting to worry that Detective Macy is going to cause issues over my sexuality. Thankfully, after the awkward pause he continues.

“Do you know if Jessica had multiple people she was seeing? Would that be something you’d expect or would it be totally outside of her regular pattern of dating?”

“She wasn’t looking for any type of committed relationship so it’s quite likely she was talking to multiple guys. Jess was kind of just enjoying being young.”

“So you’d say she was fairly promiscuous?” I can’t hold back my eye roll because his tone makes it clear he doesn’t approve. I don’t want Jess’ chances of justice being tanked by an officer who doesn’t respect her enough to really look.

“No, I’d say she was a beautiful, young, successful woman who liked getting to know different people. Like a lot of people with options, I’m sure she talked to some guys and then decided they weren’t for her. When we went out to the bar Jess practically had to beat randos off with a stick and the vast majority of the time she went home alone.”

“But she liked to have fun so it’s conceivable that she may have had multiple partners at once?”

“Sure, the same way any single person might have multiple partners. Jessica wasn’t a slut-”

“Woah, woah! I’m not trying to imply she was or to make judgements about her character based on how many partners she had. I’m more so wondering if it’s possible that she saw a man that last night and another person she was seeing got jealous and followed her.” The detective runs a hand through his thinning hair, shifting uncomfortably on the seat.

“Yes, it’s definitely possible. It also could have been someone she rejected that didn’t take kindly to her no. Like I said, she had to say no a lot. Jess was kind of magnetic, people were always coming up to her and wanting to be friends. That’s part of why she had so many clients, she was just naturally charismatic.”

“And in the past she had a problem with men not respecting her no.” I know where he’s leading the conversation and I can’t help but wonder if maybe Derek hasn’t been fully cleared of guilt.

“Derek Sullivan certainly didn’t respect her no.”

“Can you tell me more about that situation? When I spoke with Jack and reviewed the restraining order notes it all seemed a bit convoluted.”

It’s weird admitting to the full truth of that situation because I was one of the only people that Jessica told about her relationship with Derek before it all went south. It almost feels like betraying Jessica because in some ways it feels like I’m airing her dirty laundry, but I also think the full truth sheds more light on why Derek was so obsessed and how things turned sour so quickly.

“Well, in high school Jess started dating Derek. At the time, he was best friends with Jack and they worried that Jack wouldn't approve of the relationship so they kept it a secret.”

“But you knew about it?”

“Well, yeah. Jess and I are-were best friends. We told each other pretty much all of our big secrets and I had to cover for her sometimes when she would sneak across the street to see him. At first, I think they mostly just enjoyed the thrill of sneaking around but eventually Derek started wanting more than Jess was willing to offer, especially in high school. She told me he started talking about forever and getting married after graduation.”

“So she was never the settling down type?”

“I think she saw herself settling down in her later thirties, honestly. Jess knew she didn’t want kids even when we basically were kids but I do think she saw herself getting married. She just wanted to have the space to focus on being her own person and to build a career first. Plus, I honestly don’t think the right guy had come along. I always figured she would end up with someone just as charismatic as she is and form like some power couple type situation. She definitely wasn’t going to settle for some dude she met in high school.”

The detective nods and looks thoughtful for a moment. I can’t help but wonder what kind of picture he’s painted in his mind of Jessica. Men are so often celebrated for putting their career and own needs first before settling down but women face a lot more judgment for the same decisions.

“So Derek wanted more and Jessica knew she didn’t so she decided to end things. How did that spiral into him threatening to kidnap her and a restraining order?”

“She broke up with him and he kind of just didn’t accept it. At first, Derek was calling her a lot and constantly texting. She tried just blocking him but that’s hard when they live across the street. He started slipping weird notes into her bag and showing up at the house. Eventually it got to the point where she let her family know and they talked to his parents but it kept happening.”

“How did she end up with the restraining order?”

“Derek slipped her a scary note talking about taking her to Vegas to get married and that if she said no he’d put her in the trunk of his car and force her to go. That was enough along with all of the texts to get the police involved. Because it was technically a kidnapping threat they felt there was enough grounds for a restraining order.”

“And did that stop his, uh, unwanted attention?”

“No. He lived across the street so he would just stand in his yard or watch her from his window. It really didn’t end until Jessica moved out after high school. At that point I guess he realized it really wasn’t going to happen and moved on.”

“To your knowledge was that the last time she interacted with Derek?”

“Up until recently, yeah. But, uh, Jack and I went to talk to him after she disappeared and found out Jess helped him buy his house.”

“And she didn’t tell you about it at the time, even though you were close?”

That’s one of the things that has been really bugging me about the whole Derek situation. Jessica told me everything, at least that’s what I thought, and I can’t think of any reason why she wouldn’t have told me about Derek. It also strikes me as weird that she didn’t ask me to be there as a buffer or like added security measure given how volatile Derek has been in the past.

“Yeah and I honestly don’t understand why. I can see her not telling Jack because he took the whole stalking thing really personally since he didn’t know about their relationship and because it killed his friendship with Derek.”

“Do you think it’s possible she had another fling with Derek and was embarrassed?”

“Honestly, no. I can’t remember Jessica ever getting back with an ex but if she had she would have owned it. She wasn’t really the type to be ashamed. The only reason she hid her relationship with Derek was because she was young and dumb. Sneaking around with your brother’s best friend is kind of cliché but everyone has those moments when they’re young. These days though Jessica would have been really upfront with Jack if she started seeing someone he knew. I really don’t know why she didn’t tell me. Did you, uh, check the records to make sure he actually did buy with her?”

“We did and she did receive commission on the purchase of his house and is listed as his agent on the paperwork. Jack had no idea that she had any contact with Derek after high school either. It sounds like she played her cards close to the chest with that one but we haven’t come up with any motives for why she did.”

“I wish I knew, but Jess was a professional so I’m not surprised she was willing to work with him, I’m just surprised I didn’t know about it.”

“Do you think she kept any other secrets from you?”

“I’m not sure. The only thing that comes to mind is a weird interaction we had at the memorial service. Some guy came up to Jack and acted like he was super close with Jessica, that they were going to start a brokerage together.”

“Did Jessica ever mention wanting to start a brokerage?”

“No, she wanted to become a broker with her boss. That’s why she worked so hard and put in so many hours. She definitely wasn’t going to jump ship to start a brokerage with a random dude she did CrossFit with.”

“So you knew of this guy but what he said about their relationship didn’t match what Jessica had said?”

“Yeah, I knew she had hooked up with an agent that she went to the gym with but she told me she ended things because he wanted more than she did.”

“Seems to be a common situation for Jessica.”

He’s not wrong, Jess was the type of woman that men saw as wifey material. I’m sure she was their white whale, the one who got away so to speak.

“I guess it kind of was. She was always really upfront with guys about what she wanted but I think they sometimes had a hard time taking that at face value or maybe thought they could change her mind.”

“This guy from the gym, do you know his name?”

“Alex Callister.”

“And you’re sure that Jessica wasn’t in a relationship with him at the time of her death?”

“Positive. She definitely wouldn’t have been on Tinder if she was in a relationship that was getting serious. Jess liked to, uh, play the field but she wasn’t a cheater. There’s no way she was hooking up with Eric while dating someone. Plus, she told me she stopped sleeping with him but didn’t want to have to switch gyms even though things were awkward.”

“So she did mention things being uncomfortable after she ended that aspect of their relationship?”

“Yeah, and to my knowledge she basically ended the entire relationship and was just kind of cordial to him when they saw each other at the gym.”

“Did she still work out with him?”

“I mean, I know he was there a lot when she went but she kept a pretty consistent schedule. I don’t think she was, like, chatting him up during workouts anymore based on her description but who knows? I definitely wasn’t doing CrossFit with her at six in the morning so I never really saw them interact.”

“Okay. Well, you’ve been really helpful. I will ask that you don’t leave town for a while as we sort out the loose ends. We asked the same of Jack and Eric.”

“That’s fine, I don’t plan on going anywhere and I don’t have anything to hide. If something comes up or you have more questions just let me know. I really want to catch the guy who hurt Jessica. She deserves justice.”

“Everyone deserves justice. I’m confident that we will catch the person who did this, hopefully sooner than later.”

After the police station, I feel a bit off kilter and I find myself driving to see Jack. As much as I’m trying to keep him at arm's length, not to get too attached in case things change, he’s been a sort of anchor holding me down throughout this whole experience.

The bar is surprisingly full given its four in the afternoon on a weekday. A lot of the patrons at the actual bar are alone and staring up at the big TVs mounted above the rows and rows of alcohol. A few groups are seated at the tables and there’s a low murmur of voices rising just over the sound of clinking bottles.

I head over to the fireplace and slump into one of the worn wood chairs, relaxing a bit as the heat radiates around me. The snow is still coming down and I wonder if I’d be overstepping if I asked to stay with Jack tonight. We’ve been spending more nights together and while he keeps assuring me that he’s all in I feel like I’m in a constant state of waiting for the next shoe to drop.

In a lot of ways, a more gradual shift in our relationship would have been a lot less jarring and I likely wouldn’t be so caught up in my own insecurities. The anxious voice in the back of my mind is quick to remind me of all the times Jack has been cruel, or worse…pretended I didn’t exist. All those years of hostility aren’t so easily erased even though Jack says he spent that time pinning just as much as I was.

I’ve only been seated for a few minutes when I hear Jack’s laugh across the room as he comes around the corner of the hallway leading back to his office. He’s laughing with the bartender from last time and they look so buddy buddy that I can’t help the pinch of jealousy in my stomach and the niggling worry that maybe they’ve slept together.

I’m not usually a jealous person but this new dynamic with Jack has me feeling completely out of sorts and I’m not really sure how to navigate getting the guy of my dreams. Any second the rug might be pulled out from under me. I feel like not having Jack was bearable but having Jack and then losing him… it’s going to destroy me.

“Benji, how long have you been here? Why didn’t you text me baby?”

“Oh, if you’re really busy I can head out. I just-” Jack swoops down and captures my lips in a quick kiss, effectively shushing me.

“No, I mean why didn’t you text me so I could come out and get you? Or you could have just come to my office. You don’t need to wait around out here, not when I’m fucking dying to see you.”

Jack pulls me out of my seat by my elbows and my heart flips a little as heat travels down my spine at the show of dominance. Our size difference shouldn’t still be affecting me the way it does but something about the ease at which he man handles me really works me up. As soon as I’m on my feet, Jack is pulling me in for a tight hug and pressing his lips against my neck.

“I spoke with the cops.” I whisper quietly and Jack’s arms tighten around me.

“Let’s go upstairs and you can tell me all about it.”

I let Jack take my hand and lead me through the bar and through the backdoor. We climb the stairs to his place and he gently guides me to the couch once we’re inside.

“Are you okay?”

“Honestly, I’m fine. There’s really not much to talk about, the conversation probably went just like the one you had. He mostly wanted to know if she might have been seeing multiple people.”

Jack settles in next to me, sliding an arm around my back and pulling me in so I’m tucked against his side. He’s clearly just trying to cuddle but my dick responds to the casual manhandling immediately and starts to fill, arousal dancing down my spine and pooling in my groin.

“It’s possible she was but if that were the case it definitely wasn’t behind anyone’s back. She was a pretty upfront kind of girl.”

I nod and lean against Jack’s shoulder, breathing in his woodsy cologne and relaxing into his embrace. Jack’s other hand cups my face and tilts it upwards so that he can lean down and capture my lips in a soft kiss. His lips are plush against my own and I let out a small groan when he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth.

My lips part and my tongue sneaks out to trace the seam of his lips, asking for entry. The kiss turns heated and Jack uses the arm around me to pull me into his lap so that I’m straddling his thick thighs. Time seems to slow as we make-out like teenagers and my hips start rutting and gyrating against his hard abs while my ass wiggles against the thick erection tenting his jeans.

Pleasure begins to pool in my groin as Jack’s hands guide my hips, helping me find a spine tingling rhythm as I essentially dry hump him.

“Oh, fuck.” I let out a long moan, burying my face in Jack’s neck, and then in an embarrassing turn of events I feel my sudden orgasm wash over me, my toes curling and my eyes rolling back. When I finally pull myself up I know my face is flush and I look wrecked. There’s a huge wet spot on my pants and I watch as Jack stares down at it. I’ve never come in my pants from making out and it’s beyond embarrassing. I try to untangle myself from Jack’s lap but his hands on my hips tighten and he holds me in place.

“Fuck, Benji. I can’t believe you just came-”

“I…um.” For some reason I feel the prickly sensation of tears, mostly from shame.

“No, baby, don’t get upset. That was the fucking hottest thing I’ve ever seen. That hair trigger of yours is so fucking sexy. Think you’re too sensitive for me to fuck you? I’m dying to get inside you right now.”

I smile and bite my lip, still feeling a bit shy. Jack seems to take this as a yes because all of a sudden he’s flipped me onto the couch, my stomach landing on the cushion. Before I can even push myself onto my elbows he’s unbuttoning my jeans and yanking them off, taking my briefs with them in one fell swoop.

Jack leans down and bites one of my cheeks, not hard but with enough of a sting that my cock gives a twitch of interest despite the fact that I just came. He produces a bottle of lube from seemingly nowhere and begins stretching me with two fingers. There’s a bit of a sting but my body quickly relaxes into it. I can feel how desperate Jack is to get inside of me so I turn back to look at him, taking in the wild look in his eyes and the huge tent in his jeans.

“Fuck me.”

Jack rips open his pants and pulls his hard cock out. He’s already leaking and I watch as he strokes it a few times to take the edge off before he slicks up with lube. I shift to try and get on my knees, but Jack pushes his hand against the small of my back keeping me flat on my stomach.

He spreads my cheeks apart and squirts a bit more lube between them before pressing against my hole. I’m not quite prepped enough for it to be fully comfortable but something about seeing Jack desperate for it makes that hot too. I relax and bear down on his cock and we both groan when the crown slips past my tight rings of muscle.

“Fuck Benji, you’re still so fucking tight. Should I stop-”

“Don’t you dare, Jack. I like it, I like feeling you stretch me out and own my ass.”

“Yeah? You like this thick cock stretching you out. You think you can come again for me?”

I can feel my cock thickening and I nod desperately, groaning as Jack pushes deeper. He’s holding himself up in a push up position and practically enclosing me on all sides, his weight pressing me into the couch. I feel thoroughly owned by this man; he’s inside me and all around me. When he starts rocking forward I’m already seeing stars and letting out embarrassingly high pitch uhh sounds with each thrust.

“You were made for my cock, love how desperate you get for it. You gonna make a mess all over my couch? That little cock of yours leaking yet?”

At the reminder that the couch is indeed bare underneath me, I try to reach under my body to pull my shirt down so that it at least catches some of the mess but Jack has me pressed so firmly against the cushion that it's impossible.

“It’s okay, make a mess.”

I shake my head and try to push up a little but Jack just chuckles and leans his chest against my back, pressing me down even more. He rolls his hips, grinding deep into me and pulling back only an inch or so before pushing back in. It’s driving me mad and my cock starts leaking from the constant grind of his shaft against my sensitive spot. I can’t help but clench around him and when Jack lets out a deep groan against my shoulder I feel goosebumps spread across my neck.

“Jack.” I whisper, my orgasm already closing in, heat pooling along the base of my spine. Every rock causes my dick to grind against the couch and the constant massage against my prostate has desperate noises spilling from my mouth.

“Come for me, wanna feel that ass pulse around me.”

“Fuck, Jack.” My orgasm is practically pulled from me and I shake almost violently from wave after wave of pleasure as Jack continues his gentle rocking. My come shoots out in hot spurts, undoubtedly making a mess of the cushion beneath me. Jack’s movements get more erratic, his body shuddering before he finally collapses onto my back, crushing me against the couch. It should be uncomfortable but instead it feels safe. I can feel the rapid beating of his heart and his labored breathing.

We lay like that for a few minutes, Jack still buried deep in me while his cock slowly softens inside of me. When Jack’s weight finally starts to be too much, I reach around and tap his thigh with my hand.

“I wish I could stay inside you forever.” He whispers before pulling himself up and off of me. I let out a little hiss as his cock slips free of my sensitive hole. “Up on your knees baby.”

I look back in confusion but comply, pulling myself onto my knees and presenting my used hole. A self-conscious flush spreading down my neck and shoulders as I feel myself gape for a moment, some Jack’s come slipping out.

“Wanna see you push my load out.”

Jack gives my ass a gentle slap when I don’t immediately listen and I let out a squeak before finally bearing down. His load slips from my ass, sliding down my taint and down my balls.

“Fucking hot as hell. Love when you’re a messy boy.”

I’m not prepared for Jack to lean down and begin licking his load from my used hole. He licks from my balls up my taint until he finally pushes his tongue inside me.

“Jack!”

“Couldn’t help it.” He says before leaning in and kissing my left cheek. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”