Chapter Ten #2
Day one of our whatever the hell this is, and already I’m fucking it up.
We finish recording and head back into the main office, where I leave the guys to go in search of Tillie, but I can’t seem to find her anywhere.
Her office door is closed, and it’s clear she’s left for the evening.
I’m bummed, but figure I may as well head home too.
I want to call her, but I don’t want to seem needy or desperate either.
So I walk to my car and drive home, wondering the whole time if this thing we have is over before it’s even begun.
Danger and Lunar beat me home, and as I step inside, Danger is pulling his shirt off. “Work out?”
“Yeah, definitely.” Pumping some iron and letting off some steam is just what I need.
We head out the back to the porch, and Danger flicks on the sound system. “We did great today. I fucking love it when we get new tracks down,” he says, and I dip my chin in agreement.
He raises an eyebrow. “Okay, spill. You’ve been weird all afternoon. What’s on your mind?” he asks, handing me a dumbbell. I start hammer curling and purse my lips.
“Okay, so hypothetically, what’s it like dating an employee?”
Danger picks up his own dumbbell and joins me. “Well, it’s fun, especially on tour, ’cause you get to spend time with your partner rather than being on opposite sides of the world. But also hard ’cause if you fight, you’re right there with each other for everyone to see and to judge. Why?”
“No reason.”
Danger snorts. “If you want to start something with Tillie, you should. You know I was against it at first, but I’m all for it now.”
I stop curling and look at him with furrowed brows, then tilt my head. “What? Why?”
“I see the way you light up around her. I haven’t seen you like that with anyone but Kati…” He trails off, and we both pause, taking a breath.
I start curling again.
“Seriously, dude, she might push your buttons, but it’s all the right buttons. You need to go for it if she is up for it. ’Cause trust me, being in love is worth the agony of dealing with your past. Take it from someone who knows.”
“But if I start something with Tillie, isn’t that disrespecting Katie?”
Danger shakes his head. “What’s disrespecting Katie is you not moving on and being happy.”
“I guess.”
“No guessing about it, Ry. She would want you to move on. Katie would not want you wallowing in self-pity and being alone for the rest of your sad existence.”
“I have Lunar. She keeps me company.”
Danger laughs. “No offense, dude, but having a woman who’s like your sister as the only woman in your life besides your mom… is just sad. Tillie’s great. Plus, that whole nerd chick thing she has going on is hot as hell.”
“She really is hot, isn’t she?” I smirk.
“Smokin’, dude, but don’t tell Lunar I said that. That woman would strangulate my balls in an instant.”
“Yeah…” I laugh. “Yeah, she would.”
I continue my workout as I think about Tillie’s lips against mine, her fingers running through my hair, and her body pressed against me.
Would it be so bad to allow myself to like her?
Maybe Danger is right.
Maybe dealing with my past is stopping me from living in the present.
I have this amazing woman wanting me for me, and I’m holding her at arm’s length. I curl harder and faster with a fierce determination.
Tomorrow, I’m going to try harder.
Tomorrow, I’ll be better…
For her.
Tomorrow’s a new day, and I’m going to make it up to her.
***
At the office, there’s no sign of Tillie anywhere. It unsettles me slightly as I go in search of Oliver. I find him in his office tidying his desk like the neat freak he is.
“Hey Oliver, where’s Tillie?”
He lifts his head to look at me and exhales, rolling his eyes. “Before you get too excited… no, she hasn’t left. She’s gone to Las Vegas to talk to Zaria Shafir.”
My mouth opens wide, and I shake my head. “As in the Oscar-winning, Israeli goddess, and every teenage boy’s wet dream… Zaria Shafir?” He nods and continues tidying. “Why didn’t she tell me?”
“Why in the world would she tell you? I’m not supposed to be telling you until it’s a sealed deal. She spoke to her people late yesterday and hopped on a plane last night.”
That’s why she was gone before me yesterday. She was working on Nate’s big idea. When I thought she was going to get an actress, I figured it would be a B-grade actress, not the world’s most wanted female celebrity right now.
“Right… when will she be back?”
He shrugs. “Not sure. It depends on how long it takes to seal the deal.”
I nod and turn, walking out of the room, my head spinning slightly from the information overload.
One—Zaria Shafir.
And two—Tillie left without telling me.
I’m not sure how that sits with me.
I thought we were at least at the stage of sharing that kind of information.
Walking out of Oliver’s office, I head to Tillie’s because I know no one will come in there, and I pull out my cell and dial her number. It rings twice, and she picks up.
“Hey.”
“Hi, um… why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”
She’s quiet for a moment, and the silence is deafening.
“Tillie?” I ask, making sure she’s still there.
“I’m here, just confused. I wasn’t sure what stage we were at. I didn’t want to overwhelm you by telling you where I was going and risk you thinking I was trying to take this to a place further than you’re ready to go.”
“So you didn’t tell me because I want to keep us quiet? Is this like a payback thing?”
She scoffs. “What? No! How could you think that? I’m trying, Ryan. I’ve never had a relationship like this one. I have no idea how I’m supposed to act or what I’m supposed to say or do.”
“And that’s because of me?”
“Well, yeah… you’re the one making the rules on us.”
“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to know if you jet set off somewhere.”
She exhales. “I’m sorry, I read it wrong.”
I’m not sure what to say back, so there’s an awkward silence that filters over us.
“Tillie, I’m ready to discuss now,” a voice echoes in the distance down the line.
“Look, Ry, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you when I get back?”
“When will that be?”
“I’m not sure.”
I exhale and nod, swallowing hard at the awkward tension between us. “Okay. But, Tillie, be safe.”
“Of course, I’ll see you soon.” She ends the call, and I slump down into her office chair, resting my forehead and arms on her desk.
“Fucking hell,” I murmur under my breath as I close my eyes, wishing I hadn’t talked to her like that. Now, she could be away for days, and that’s the last conversation we’ll have until she gets back.
I’m a fucking fucker.
Why do I have to get so defensive?
So irritated?
I should have told Tillie that I miss her and I’m looking forward to her coming back. But no, I had to act like an overprotective dick. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Standing, I walk out of her office and down to the studio where I know Danger will be. Scrubbing my face as I walk in, Danger smirks.
“You look like shit.”
“I feel like shit. I need a pick-me-up.”
“Why don’t we go to a club tonight? No booze for you, obviously. But we can hang out. Guys only. Play pool. Listen to some music. Be in the VIP area for a bit?”
“Yeah, okay, let’s do it.”