Chapter Eighteen Sadie
Chapter Eighteen Sadie
My thirty-second birthday fell on the Sunday after the last week of semester.
When it dawned, I was feeling lower than I ever had in my life.
I had been in a slump ever since the letter from Chess arrived, but as the week of my birthday approached, I started to let a little bit of hope back in.
Ever since I could remember, Chess had made a big deal of celebrating my birthday.
Whether she was spoiling me with some lavish gift or making me a mug cake out of whatever she could find in our shitty little kitchen, she was always, always there.
But my hope that she might miraculously appear, arms outstretched and ready to forgive me, had been dashed a couple of days earlier when I opened our front door and nearly tripped over the package on our doorstep.
It was a half-case of the Bibliophile Noriko reserve pinot noir, with a note enclosed that simply said: Happy birthday, Sadie.
C.
It was almost worse than her not acknowledging the day at all.
Hey, remember that expensive wine we never finished drinking that night you told me I loved you too much?
Here’s enough for you to drown in.
Happy birthday.
Given that, I was in no mood to do anything special for my birthday.
I was especially in no mood to do anything wine-related for my birthday – but Fiona had gleefully planned a day trip for us all out to the Tsukamoto brothers’ winery, and if I cancelled, it would crush her.
‘Just wait until you see it!’ she exclaimed, as Hobart’s eastern suburbs started to give way to wine country.
‘It’s so beautiful out here.
’
She was driving.
Lex was in the passenger seat, headphones in.
The girls were in the back, chattering busily over whatever it was they were doing on their iPad, leaving Jonah and me in the middle.
I leant my head against the window.
There was something vaguely hypnotic about the straight lines of the vines.
Jonah touched my hand with one long finger.
‘You all right?’
I nodded.
‘Fine.’
I’d had to tell him about the wine.
It was much more difficult to conceal six bottles of wine than it was to conceal a letter, after all.
That’s great, though , he’d said over breakfast that morning.
She’s making an effort.
I suppose, I’d lied.
If I told him what I really thought – that Chess ticking a checkbox to double her Bibliophile wine club order for the quarter was so little effort she might as well have said fuck you – he’d have argued with me, and I didn’t have the energy for that.
So I’d forced a smile when he slid a plate of corn fritters in front of me, and promptly changed the subject.
The finish on your wedding ring is wearing off , I’d told him, gesturing at it with my fork.
He’d peered at it through his glasses.
Oh, so it is , he’d said.
Should we switch it out before we leave?
I’d slid the second of the three-for-$12 wedding rings onto his finger.
The corn fritters had made me feel a little better – he knew how much I liked them, and ever since he’d found out about my love of leek he’d been tweaking the recipe to include more of it.
But there could be no clearer reminder than the streaked, faded gold finish on his discarded wedding ring that this tie – like all the other ties I’d ever had – was going to come undone in the end.
‘No thinking today, birthday girl!’ Fiona declared.
‘Only drinking!’
Jonah put his hand on top of mine, his palm on my knuckles, his fingers finding the gaps between mine.
‘That sounds like a sensible resolution, darling.’
He was an intelligent man.
He might not know about the letter, but he’d probably guessed I was thinking about Chess.
He had so many other things to worry about, between work and his family, and here he was, worrying about me instead.
I exhaled.
No matter how dejected I was, I had to rise to the occasion.
If nothing else, I owed him – and Fiona, and the kids – a pleasant day.
So I made myself smile.
‘Drinking, not thinking,’ I echoed.
‘I pledge to be a wonderful example for your children, Fiona.’
She laughed.
‘Obviously the whole reason I’ve immersed myself in wine culture is to make it seem less cool to them.
Thank you for joining me in my mission to make them teetotallers.
’
Jonah squeezed my hand, smiling back at me.
Part of me wanted to snatch my hand away, and part of me wanted to hold on tighter.
Caught between the two impulses, all I could do was sit perfectly still.
The winery was on the top of a hill, lines of vines trickling down the slope.
‘That’s katakana,’ Lex said, pointing at the sign next to the gate, which had Japanese characters under the word Bibliophile , written in that same trademark Tsundoku script.
‘It says biburiofairu . And the ones on the other side of the gate are kanji. They say Tsukamoto . Satoshi taught me.’
‘He’ll be delighted you remembered,’ Fiona said fondly.
The man himself met us in the car park, emerging from the building with a grin on his face.
‘I had to come down yesterday to talk business with Isamu, so I jumped on one of the wine tour buses,’ he said, hugging Fiona hello.
‘I thought I could be your designated driver home today, so you can enjoy the wine too.’
‘Sometimes, Satoshi,’ Fiona said, drawing back briefly to look at him, then hugging him again, ‘I think you’re an angel sent directly from heaven.
’
Satoshi showed us around with obvious pride.
‘The actual winery, where Isamu makes the wine, is on the other side of the hill,’ he told us.
‘That’s his domain, so of course the design is all deeply utilitarian and unattractive.
Here, though’ – he gestured to the tasting room, all white walls and warm wooden beams, where a minibus-full of people was being served – ‘I had more input.’
He pointed out the B&B, tucked away around a quiet corner (‘It’s very peaceful there, if you ever need a quiet getaway,’ he said to Jonah and me.
‘My mother runs a tight ship.’), before he led us into the restaurant.
The same colour palette from the tasting room persisted, but the majority of the walls were glass, offering a panoramic view of the vines.
‘Pinot gris,’ Satoshi said, pointing out the different blocks of vines, ‘chardonnay, pinot noir. There are more varietals down the bottom of the hill and behind the B&B.’
Chess would love this.
The instinct to take out my phone and send a picture to her was almost overwhelming.
At your fave.
Wish you were here.
But I jammed the pad of my thumb into my engagement ring instead.
A picture of some vines did not rise to the level of If you ever really need me – you can call.
Satoshi led us to our table.
Fisher family, 6 people , was written on the reservation sign.
Jonah draped his arm over the back of my chair, fingers brushing my shoulder supportively, and Fiona beamed at me from across the bread plates, so I pasted the smile back on my face.
I might be miserable, but I wasn’t going to drag them down with me.
‘I thought we’d do lunch a tiny bit out of order!
’ Satoshi announced.
‘Rosie, this is for you – Georgia, for you – Lex, my buddy, my pal, are we feeling in a party hat mood? All right. I’m relying on you all, because I’m a terrible singer.
Haaaaaaaaappy birthday…
’
He beckoned to one of the waiters, who put an exquisite birthday cake down on the table in front of me.
Once the cake had been cut and we’d all eaten a slice and the girls were clearly summiting an Everestian sugar high, Satoshi took them outside.
‘Don’t even think about it,’ he said firmly, when Fiona got up to follow them.
‘Rosie and Georgia and I are going to take a walk through the sculpture garden and we’re all going to criticise how ugly Isamu’s flower choices are.
Lex, you’re going to help, right?
’
‘Just how much wine have you bought from him?’ Jonah asked, as Satoshi let the girls pull him away, one attached to each wrist, Lex trailing after them.
‘A lot,’ Fiona said, topping up our water glasses.
‘Like, a lot .’
Isamu came over to our table, setting a white and a red wine glass down in front of each of us.
‘I’m going to run your tasting today,’ he said in his low growl of a voice.
‘We’ll move through it slowly, so you can drink the appropriate wine alongside our tasting menu.
’
I had a sudden, unsettling feeling.
All the hairs stood up on the back of my neck.
I turned to look behind me.
‘What’s wrong?
’ Jonah asked.
‘Nothing, nothing.’ There was no one behind me, just the buzzy chatter of people at other tables and the waitstaff bustling to and fro and the serious presence of Isamu, standing in front of us.
‘Just – you know when it feels like someone walks over your grave?’
‘Thirty-two isn’t that old, Shaw.
’
I rolled my eyes.
Jonah grinned, then pressed his lips to my temple.
‘Happy birthday, darling.’
There was a flash in front of us.
Fiona.
‘You two are the cutest,’ she said, showing us the photo she’d taken.
If I hadn’t known better, I never would have guessed that the couple in the picture – him smiling into her hair, her trying her best not to do the same into the crook of his neck – were a lie.
The sun was dipping low over the vines by the time we left, deep orange fading into deep blue as the crisp winter day turned slowly into night.
In the back, Rosie and Georgia’s chatter slid into sleepy silence.
In the passenger seat, Lex kept up a conversation with Satoshi for a while, but then they fell quiet too.
I was sitting between Fiona and Jonah in the middle, and after a while, both their heads lolled onto my shoulders.
They each started snoring softly, slightly out of time with each other.
Satoshi’s eyes met mine in the rearview mirror.
‘Sugar and booze,’ he said.
‘A lethal combination. You’re clearly made of sterner stuff than the Fishers.
’
‘…’m not asleep,’ Fiona mumbled.
‘Sure you’re not.
’
Jonah didn’t stir.
His left hand was resting on my knee, heavy and warm.
I traced the line of each long finger and ran a fingertip over the gold band of his ring.
How many times, I wondered, would I have to do it before the finish wore off this one too?
He’d been so good to me.
So, so good.
But how long was it going to take before I wore him down, like I’d worn down Chess?
Before he realised what a burden it was – how exhausting it was – looking after me?
Before this friendship, or this affection, or whatever it was that he’d come to feel for me, turned back into loathing?
‘Did you have a good birthday?’ Satoshi asked me.
‘It was lovely,’ I lied.
Here was another person who did not deserve my misery.
‘Thank you for everything you did to make the day so great. You really went above and beyond.’
‘My pleasure. But it was nothing, really. Isamu did most of the work.’
Isamu hadn’t been the one babysitting the world’s most energetic seven-year-olds, but I wasn’t about to say that out loud.
‘I guess we’re his favourite tenants.
’
Satoshi laughed.
‘I don’t think you’re going to have any dramas renewing your lease.
’
I brushed my thumb over Jonah’s wedding ring again, then, careful not to disturb either of the siblings snoozing on my shoulders, took my phone out.
There was nothing from Chess.
No message, no well wishes – just the wine abandoned on my doorstep, and everything that signified.
I bit my lip, hard, until I tasted blood.
Jonah woke when Satoshi pulled the car into Fiona’s driveway.
‘Come on, Rosie-girl,’ he said softly, heaving her sleeping body into his arms.
‘Let’s get you to bed.
’
Satoshi followed him, carrying Georgia.
Lex stumbled inside under their own power, and I kept an arm around Fiona’s waist, making sure she didn’t trip and fall on the way to her bedroom.
‘Thanks for letting me bully you into going out to the winery for your birthday, Sadie,’ she murmured, flopping face-first onto her bed.
‘It was such a nice day.’
‘Yeah, it was.’ I set a glass of water on her bedside table.
‘Sleep well, okay?’
‘Mmmm.’ She turned onto her side, snuggling her face into the pillow.
‘I’m so glad you married Jonah.
I love you both so much.
’
Something in my chest squeezed painfully tight.
‘Me too, Fiona,’ I whispered, grateful she’d already fallen asleep.
The night air was blessedly cool on my face as Jonah and I walked home.
It was crisp and still and quiet, a few stars visible in the sky, the gibbous moon bright and pearly over the river, even if it was a few days away from its full glory.
‘I’m sorry your sister didn’t call.
’ Jonah gestured to my handbag.
‘I could tell you were hoping.’
‘I was,’ I replied quietly.
‘But not expecting.’
That was the pattern, after all.
Chess had lasted much, much longer than anyone else, but everyone always unbound themselves from me in the end.
I turned to go up the stairs of our apartment building, but Jonah took my elbow.
‘I got you something.’
He led me to the courtyard, where the community garden was.
‘It’s not much.
Sorry.
’
He gestured to a weedy, overgrown plot, three away from the one I’d taken over from Isamu.
‘I figured out whose it was and offered to take it off their hands. So you can have more space for your garden.’
‘Oh,’ was all I could say.
Jonah ran a hand through his hair, the moonlight winking silver off his scattering of greys.
‘I know a patch of dirt is a pretty shitty present, especially given how much work it’ll be to clear it, but I’ll help.
And I’ll go to the nursery with you and get you whatever plants you want, and fertiliser and whatever – and God, I just realised I’m offering to buy you literal bags of shit for your birthday.
Sorry.
But—’
‘Stop.’
He stopped.
‘I love it. Thank you.’
He smiled, that sheepish Cardigan Jonah smile that I had started, at some point, to treasure.
‘I mean, it’s a pretty self-interested present.
You grow very good vegetables.
’ He took my hand.
‘Come on. It’s cold.
Let’s go inside.
’
‘Wait.’
I bit my lip again.
The taste of blood was salty and metallic in my mouth.
‘We need to talk, Jonah.’ I looked at his hand in mine instead of at his face.
I knew what I had to do, and if I looked him in the eye, I would lose my nerve.
‘About how this ends.’