Chapter Nineteen Jonah
Chapter Nineteen Jonah
It was not a complicated sentence.
I had spent a great deal of my career poring over complex, obscure, archaic language.
If this were a line I were reading, I would skate right by it.
It did not take effort to parse.
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I said anyway.
‘Yes, you do,’ Sadie said quietly.
‘Don’t be obtuse.
Please.
’
Her head was bowed, moonlight kissing the curves of her face in the darkness.
There was only a flicker of flame in her hair, where light from one of the other apartments was caught in it.
Her breath was a faint puff of white in the cold night air.
In mine, her hand – usually so steady, so certain – was trembling.
‘I don’t understand, though,’ I said.
‘Aren’t you…
Aren’t we…
?
’
It would be naive to finish the sentence the way I wanted.
Of course Sadie wasn’t happy.
We might have found something comfortable and companionate and maybe even contented with each other, but there hadn’t been a single moment since the day I’d spotted her across the park in her pale-green wedding dress, dragging that suitcase behind her, that she’d been happy .
‘You haven’t done anything wrong, Jonah.
’
She looked at me at last.
‘I never really dreamed of having a husband,’ she said, ‘but if I had, I would have dreamed of one like you.’
You have me , I wanted to say.
You’ve always had me.
‘Have you met someone else?’ I asked instead.
She blinked.
‘No. When would I have had time to meet someone else?’
‘Then why?’
She looked at the ground again, breath coming out of her in a rush.
‘If you don’t want to do this anymore, that’s fine,’ I said.
‘Of course that’s fine.
I would never force you to stay married to me if you don’t want to be.
I would never force you to do anything you don’t want to do.
But – we talked about keeping this going for three years, Sadie.
It’s only been a few months.
So I just don’t understand why…
now.
’
‘You don’t need me anymore.
’
A tear winked like a diamond on her cheek before she roughly thumbed it away.
‘You’ve got what you wanted out of this.
You’ve got your job – and you’re probably much more likely to fail probation if we stay together than if we split up.
’
‘Sadie, no.’
‘And you need your job,’ she said, barrelling forward, ‘so you can stay here in Hobart and help Fiona. You’ve found this place in her life – this proper, solid place – and I don’t want to put that in danger.
’
‘I’m not the only one with a place in her life,’ I said.
‘They all adore you. Fi. The girls. Lex.’
‘They haven’t known me very long, though.
’ Her voice was hoarse.
‘It’ll be easier for them if we split up sooner rather than later.
The longer someone stays in your life, the harder it is when they leave.
’
I was going to kill her sister.
‘What about work?’ I tried.
‘We’ve got another fifty-two lectures to write.
Do you really want to negotiate a divorce, on top of that?
One of us having to move out?
’
‘No! Of course I don’t!
I…
I like what we have, Jonah.
I like this life we’ve built together.
’
‘Then let’s keep living it!
’ I said.
‘I like it too, Sadie. I like everything about it. I like coming down here in the morning and bringing you coffee and hearing you talk about your garden. I like sitting down with you after work and having a glass of wine together. Hell, I even like watching that fucking dating show with you!’
She shook her head, thumbing another tear away.
‘Nightmarish as our workload is, I like being a lecture team with you,’ I said.
‘I like co-authoring that article with you. I like it when you disagree with me. I like how you make me think. More. Better. I always have. Ever since the first day I met you.’
‘Jonah, please.’ Her voice was barely a whisper.
‘Don’t make this harder than it already is.
’
‘I don’t want to make things hard for you.
’
I cupped her face in my hand, tipping it up to mine.
‘I mean it. I’m not interested in making your life difficult.
Especially not after the way you turned it inside out for me.
I’m never, ever, ever going to stand between you and what you want.
’
She choked back a sob.
‘But I want you to know that I’m happy,’ I said.
‘Here, together, with you – living this little life of ours – I’m happy.
And I’ll gladly keep doing it, as long as you want.
’
Sadie was silent for a long time.
She bit her lip.
It was the most difficult thing I had ever done, not to trace my thumb over the imprint left by her teeth.
‘I’m a burden on you,’ she said at last.
What?
‘And you deserve more than this,’ she whispered.
‘You deserve better.’
‘Oh, come the fuck on, Sadie. That’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said to me.
’
I dropped my hand and took a few steps away.
‘I don’t deserve any of this.
I never have.
I don’t deserve my job.
I don’t deserve this life.
I don’t deserve you, certainly not after the privileged douchebag-y way I spent years treating you.
And to call yourself a fucking burden ?
When I wouldn’t have any of this if it wasn’t for you?
!
’
‘Jonah—’
‘No,’ I snarled.
‘You can tell me anything else. You can tell me “I’ve decided we’re getting divorced, that’s that, the end, I will not explain my reasoning”. That’s fine.
But you don’t get to tell me that you’re a burden and I deserve better.
You don’t get to make such a specious argument and expect me to swallow it.
’
‘How have you forgotten who I am?!’
Her teeth were bared.
Her fingers were clenched.
In the cool, still air of the night, Sadie Shaw had caught alight.
‘I am not a complex text,’ she bit out.
‘I am not some onion with layers of subtext and meaning for you to peel back. I am who you’ve always thought I am.
’
I folded my arms.
‘And who’s that?
Please, inform me exactly what I think of you.
I’d love to hear it.
’
‘I’m awful .
’ Her nostrils flared.
‘I’m still just that bitch from class who won’t shut up or back down and who’ll turn the smallest thing into a war.
I’m still so profoundly unlovable that I can count my friends on one hand.
’ More tears were welling in her eyes, but she wiped them away so aggressively it must have been painful.
‘Everyone works this out in the end, Jonah. Even Chess did.’
‘I don’t know what the fuck is going on with your sister,’ I said tightly, ‘but that is not true.’
‘I told her she loved me too much!’
Sadie buried her face in her hands, fingers white as she clawed at her hairline.
‘All she’s ever done is look after me – put me first, make me the centre of her world – and I told her that she loved me too much!
I told her that being loved by her was exhausting!
’
‘So?’
‘What the fuck do you mean, so ?’
‘It’s true, isn’t it?
’
She was stunned into silence.
‘It can be exhausting sometimes, being loved by people,’ I said.
‘My dad, for all his faults, loves me. That’s exhausting.
’
‘Don’t compare Chess to your dad.
’ Her voice was low.
‘What about Fiona, then?’ I said.
‘I love her. I’d lie down on railroad tracks for her.
Sometimes, though, when she’s turning up to the airport to meet us when we just want to fall into bed, or dragging us out on adventures with her, or asking us for help when we have a mountain of work, I’m a bit exhausted by it.
’
‘It’s not the same.
’
‘It’s not not the same.
’
‘Are you telling me,’ Sadie said, ‘that you would ever seriously look Fiona in the eye and tell her she loves you too much?’
‘No. But—’
‘But nothing!’ She wrapped her arms around herself.
‘That is who I am, Jonah. That is who you’re married to.
Sure, maybe you’re enjoying this little domestic idyll now, but you won’t always.
I am all fists.
I am all teeth.
One day, you’re going to remember that and it is going to hurt me so much more when you leave me then than if we just…
if we just…
’ She swallowed, gulping against the wave of sobs.
‘If we just end it now.’
‘Do your worst, Shaw.’
She looked at me.
I spread my arms wide.
‘Try it. Take a shot. Scream the worst things you can think of at me. You think I’m going to leave you?
Try and make me.
’
Her breath was coming fast and uneven, white fog in the night air.
My wife was a dragon tonight.
‘Here, I’ll start,’ I said.
‘I’m a snob.
I’m a mansplainer.
I have obscene amounts of privilege and a spotty record when it comes to recognising it.
I cry about my horrible dad even as I take advantage of being his son.
I pick fights for the sake of picking fights.
I’m all the worst things about university made flesh.
’
She didn’t say anything.
‘Come on,’ I said.
‘That’s just a warm-up!
A mere tasting platter of things you’ve said to me before.
If you’re such a terrible person, you must have a whole well of them to draw on.
Hurt my feelings, Sadie.
I dare you.
’
‘You’re not listening to me!
’
‘I am listening to you. I always listen to you. I’m just not agreeing with you.
’
I closed the distance between us, taking her shoulders in my hands.
‘You want to know why I’d never tell Fiona that being loved by her can be exhausting?
It’s because our foundation isn’t strong enough to handle a fight yet.
I don’t know her well enough.
’ I smoothed my left hand over her hair.
‘Maybe one day, Fi and I will get to a place where I feel comfortable enough to fight with her, but we’re not there yet.
It’s still too fresh.
Too fragile.
Not like what you and your sister have.
’
Sadie closed her eyes.
Tears kept streaming down her cheeks anyway.
‘I’m not going to pretend I know what the fuck Chess is thinking,’ I said.
‘But this silence between you… I thought it was my fault, for a long time.’
‘No. It’s—’
‘And it’s not your fault either.
’
I slid my fingers through her hair, thumb beside her ear, and made her look at me.
‘It’s not your fault,’ I repeated.
‘Yes it is.’ Her face was crumpling again.
‘All Chess has ever done is fight for me. She’s sacrificed so much for me.
Everyone – everyone – left, but she stayed and she loved me even harder to make up for it, and then I threw it back in her face.
’
‘Respectfully, Shaw,’ I said, ‘being loved like that does sound absolutely fucking exhausting.’
She bit her lip, hard, trying to hold back more sobs.
I slid my fingers down to her jawline.
Gently, I traced the pad of my thumb against the divot of her chin.
‘I’m sure it was hard for her to hear,’ I said.
‘I’m sure it hurt.
I understand why she’d be angry.
I understand why she might want some space.
’
Sadie closed her eyes again.
Her whole body was shaking.
‘But it doesn’t mean it wasn’t true,’ I said, ‘and it doesn’t make you a bad or a fundamentally unlovable person to say it.
That’s ridiculous.
’
‘She sent me a letter.’
‘With the wine?’
‘No. Last month.’
I did the mental calculations.
Had Chess got that email I sent her back in April?
Had it finally spurred her into action?
‘She said,’ Sadie added, opening her eyes again, ‘that she needs to work out what her life looks like without me in it.’
Oh no.
‘And if Chess can leave me,’ she went on, ‘then anyone can.’
The look on her face was heartbroken and confrontational all at once.
And there was only one way I knew how to respond to confrontation.
‘You’re wrong, Shaw,’ I said.
‘And I can prove it.’
‘How?’ she demanded.
‘I want you to think carefully about whether you want to have this argument.’ Every line of my body was taut.
‘Because once I say this to you, it’s not a thing I can unsay.
’
For a moment, the night was perfectly still.
We were the only two people in a vast, dark universe, the only sound the ragged intake of her breath, the thudding beat of my heart.
‘How?’ she repeated.
I threaded my fingers through her hair again, combing it out of her face.
If I was going to do this – if I was going to say these words that would change reality, that would end the companionate comfort of our little life together, one way or another – I wanted to look her in the eye.
‘I will concede,’ I said, ‘that you said a pretty mean thing to your sister. But you’ve spent fifteen years saying mean things to me and I have loved you every second of them anyway.
’
I took her hand in mine and pressed my lips to her knuckles, just below the rings I’d put on her finger.
‘I’m not telling you this because I expect anything from you,’ I said.
‘I never have. I never will. I certainly don’t deserve anything from you.
If you want to walk away from me, I’ll let you go.
But I need you to hear me when I tell you that I’m not going to walk away from you.
I love you, Sadie – and there is nothing you can say or do that will ever make me want to leave you.
’