Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
“Good morning,” Philip said with a warm smile as Iris entered the breakfast room. “I was wondering when you were going to make it down.”
Iris smiled to see Philip waiting for her, noting that he was yet to start eating. Even if she sensed he had been there for a while. It was rather later, after all. “You waited for me…”
“Of course.” He stood from his chair as she walked into the room. “Truthfully, I was about to come and check on you. I thought you might have been taken ill again.”
“Worried for me, were you?” she said with a teasing smirk.
“Only a little.”
That he had worried meant the world to her. Such a small thing, what might have seemed unimportant to others. But to Iris it confirmed fully the decision she had come to the previous night.
“I assure you I am quite fine.” She reached the seat beside Philip’s and sat down. “Just in the mood to sleep in, is all.”
“You slept well, though?” he asked as he sat down.
“I did,” she lied. “Like a baby. Although I always wondered about that phrase. Aren’t babies known to be up at all hours of the night.”
He laughed. “Perhaps like a log? Seeing as they mostly just lie there.”
As noted, Iris’ claim that she had slept well was a lie, but one she felt was warranted in the moment. To tell the duke that she had slept poorly would force him to ask the reason, and that would only lead to much awkwardness.
Then again, I do need to tell him, don’t I? To wait will only make things more awkward, for surely he will be able to tell that something is on my mind…
“I hope you are hungry.” He rubbed his hands together and then caught the eye of the butler standing in the corner. The butler noted the look, bowed once, and hurried toward the kitchen.
“Famished,” she said. “But where is Percy? Should we wait?”
He scoffed. “Already eaten – couldn’t even wait for us.
” That just brought laughter. “The good news is, he will be out all morning. For whatever reason, he decided to take a walk into the village…” Philip trailed off as he said it, and Iris saw the concern flash behind his eyes.
But he dismissed it with a shake of the head. “Just you and me for now, I am afraid.”
“Oh no,” she laughed. “How dreadful.”
Philip smiled at the comment as he gazed upon her.
He had changed so much these last weeks, a transformation that she might have thought to be impossible.
Where he was still large and imposing, still of dark features with a powerful presence about him, it was his disposition that had changed the most.
He was happy now. Content. Not afraid to let this happiness show, no longer thinking of it as a weakness. Again, all that was to say that Iris’ decision was made that much easier.
Despite herself, she yawned suddenly.
“Are you sure you’re feeling well?” Philip asked.
“I am…” She suppressed the second yawn. “Perhaps I overslept.”
She looked away from him, realizing now that she likely looked a fright. She felt as much, and wondered if there were bags under her eyes because last night she slept for perhaps an hour, two at the most, and it wasn’t until the early hours of this morning that she had finally found peace.
Too late by then, unfortunately. Where I had been plagued by concern and even fear over the decision that I wrestled with, excitement was what replaced it, and that made sleeping all the harder.
As to the decision that she had been fretting upon?
It was yesterday in the glade when it had come to her, as she kissed the duke and realized that this marriage had become more than she ever dared dream. It was no longer a marriage of convenience, but something more, and that meant that her perception of what she wanted needed a change in course.
Philip had sensed this change also, which was why he’d told her that she did not need to feel obliged to sleep with him come the end of the month.
He had thought he was easing her conscience, that his words would bring comfort and give her one less thing to worry about. As things stood, the opposite was true.
Ever since that picnic, Iris had been able to think of one thing and one thing only. That being, whether she was ready to finally sleep with her husband.
She had tossed and turned all night with the decision. Weighing the cons. Considering the pros. Worried that it might change everything. Knowing that these changes were not to be feared. Not so long ago, a month had seemed not so far away at all. Now, she felt as if it could not come soon enough.
Not that it mattered, as the decision was hers to make. And after much thinking, Iris had finally made it.
With that thought placed firmly in her mind, Iris breathed out and made sure to be looking at Philip. “Philip, there is something I wish to speak of.”
“Oh?”
Her heart was fluttering, and her breathing became heavy. “I… was thinking of what you said yesterday. While we were on our picnic.”
He frowned. “What I said? You might have to remind me.”
Her cheeks flushed pink. “About… you know…” She had to look away from embarrassment. “Your rules.”
“My…” She could see from the corner of her eyes, his eyes widened with recognition. “Ah, yes. My rules. What of them?”
Iris couldn’t wait for the rest of the month.
And she certainly couldn’t wait for a year or two years or however else long Philip told her she could take.
She had started to fall for her husband, she sensed he felt the same for her, and if this marriage was to stand a chance they needed to treat it as being real.
All this was to say that Iris was finally ready to sleep with her husband.
“Yes, well…” Her cheeks were growing redder by the second and try as she might she simply could not look Philip in the eyes. “First of all, I want to thank you for being so understanding.”
“Of course.”
“But having said that, I was also thinking that… I have been considering the circumstances and I… I do not think that…” She couldn’t say it!
What was more, she sensed that he knew where this was going, happy to sit back and let her finish.
“I appreciate that you are happy to wait, only I do not know if that is—”
The sound of crashing coming from somewhere inside the manor silenced Iris’ stuttering.
The two of them turned their heads as one, listening to what sounded like a door being slammed shut, followed then by heavy footsteps stamping through the house.
“What on earth…” Philip was up, concern etched across his face as he hurried to see the cause of the noise.
“Philip!” Iris gave chase.
They arrived together moments later in the foyer, just in time to see Percy storming up the staircase.
“Percy!” Philip cried after his brother. “What do you think you are doing?”
Percy spun about to see them standing there, and Iris gasped. His eyes were bloodshot red, his cheeks swollen and dripping wet with tears. His body shook, and Iris had never seen someone so broken.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Percy whimpered, looking away.
“I don’t care what you want!” Philip went after him. “What happened to you?”
“What do you think!” Percy hissed.
Despite Percy’s protests, he did not finish his journey up the steps. Rather, he waited for his elder brother, happy to fall into his arms when he reached him. He was not sobbing loudly, or wailing, but his body shook violently as Philip held him.
“The villagers,” Philip growled. “I told you—did I not say you should not go.”
“I thought… I thought… it has been so many years.”
“Not nearly enough,” Philip growled angrily as he patted his brother on the back. “They are vile people. Every last one of them. Do not concern yourself with men of their ilk.”
“Easy to say…” Percy sobbed. “Harder to do. The things they said, brother…” He sniffed. “How can they say such things?”
“Come…” Philip peeled his brother from him, but kept an arm around his shoulder. “Let us go somewhere more private.”
Iris stood at the base of the staircase, watching the scene unfold with a broken heart. She had only known Percy for a few days, but she had come to care for him deeply since then and to see him in such pain hurt her more than she could believe.
She wanted to go with him. She wanted to help comfort him. Only… Philip still does not know that I know about Percy’s past. And somehow I sense now is not the time to tell him.
Yes, Philip had changed. And yes, she was certain that he would not care if she knew about his past as he once might have. But she found she did not want to risk it, still unsure if her husband had changed that much. And that if he found out what she knew, it might ruin everything.
“Philip…” she called after them. “Do you need… can I…”
“It is fine, Iris,” he said without looking back. “There is nothing you can do.”
“Are you sure –”
“It is fine!” He growled, anger taking him. She winced and reeled back, knowing it was not her that he was angry at. But it still hurt to be denied this way.
She was not yet a part of this family, and never before had it felt so obvious.
So, she stood there, watching after Philip and Percy as they left together.
This did not change how she felt about Philip.
It did not change the decision she had come to—at least not in the grand scheme of things.
Rather, it made her wonder if her marriage to Philip was in the place she needed it to be.
How could they have the marriage that she wanted if he would not be open with her? And worse than that, when he found out that she had been lying to him about what she did and didn’t know, would he care? Or would he see it as a betrayal?
So many questions. No answers to be found. Despite what she wanted to do, Iris realized in that moment that before they took that next more wonderful step, she and Philip would need to talk. And it was a conversation to which she could not guess how it might end.
And that alone should tell me exactly how far this marriage has really come.