Chapter 23 #2
When she turned, Iris very nearly gasped to see the transformation that Robert had taken in just those few seconds. When he’d appeared in the breakfast room, he had been full of energy and charm, smiling and joy-filled, the same man she remembered meeting that day at the garden party.
Alone now, Robert had withdrawn into himself. He had his hands folded before him, his head bowed, his posture shrunk down. He looked positively ashamed, enough to tell Iris without words needed that whatever it was he had come here to tell her was truthful.
“As I said, I am not here to ask for forgiveness,” Robert began in solemn tones. “Nor am I here to try and justify my actions. They are beyond justifying, and I will not insult you by forcing you to listen to excuses.”
“Then what are you here to do?” she asked simply.
He exhaled deeply. “To explain myself. If for no other reason than you understand why I did as I did. You of all people deserve that. And then, if you wish to never see me again, I will not argue or try and change your mind. I don’t deserve such a thing.”
Iris’ brow furrowed as she struggled to comprehend this level of earnestness.
“First thing is, I did not mean to trap you in a scandal that day,” Robert began.
“That is not to say my actions were pure…” He laughed bitterly.
“Rarely are they, truth be told. But I never meant to ruin you. As pitiful as it is to admit, in my life, when two options are presented, I tend to pick the worst one.”
Strangely, Iris smiled at that. You and me both…
“As for our marriage? Again, I did not wish for it to come to that. And truthfully, I had every intention of going through with it. But the more I thought about it…” He winced.
“I always choose the wrong option, Iris. Always. And every time that I do, those I care for suffer because of it. Because of me. When I…” His chin began to wobble, and he took a calming breath.
“When I thought ahead, seeing how our marriage might unfold, I knew without question that was it to be allowed, you would be made to suffer. I was never husband material and to trap you in a marriage with me would have been its own sort of torture. What I did was wrong, but I did it for the right reasons.”
“Leaving me stranded at the altar, you mean?” she said sharply.
He winced again. “I wasn’t thinking. I… and I did not imagine that my own brother would step in where I failed.” A shake of the head. “Not that I should be surprised. As you might have noticed about Philip by now, he has a nasty habit of sacrificing himself for others. It’s almost a compulsion.”
Again, Iris found herself smiling. “I have noticed such a thing, now that you mention it.”
Robert nodded. “And that’s it. I messed up. I made things worse, as I always seem to. Again, I did not come here to ask for forgiveness, only to—”
“I forgive you,” Iris cut him off.
His head snapped up and he looked at her as if she had spoken a different language. “You… you do?”
“I do,” she said, keeping her smile soft but warm.
“Where I am not ready to absolve you of your sins, and I doubt that you and I will ever be fast friends, I know as well as any what it is like to do the wrong thing when the intention was anything but. We all make mistakes, Robert. And just as we make them, I like to think we live in a world where they can be forgiven, assuming the intent was true.”
If only it were that simple…
But Iris was honest in what she said just now. What Robert did to her still stung. Still brought anger. And it would be a while until she could look him in the eyes and laugh about what had happened. But to hold that grudge, to punish him for it, solved nothing.
“Thank you,” Robert said, exhaling with great relief. She saw his eyes brighten, the confident smile return, and his posture straighten a little as if a weight had been removed. “You have no idea what that means—”
The door behind Robert crashed open.
“Robert!” Philip stormed into the room like a hurricane with a mind set on destruction. His eyes were alight with fury. His teeth bared into a snarl. And darkness consumed him as if his very being absorbed the light. “What is this!”
“Brother!” Robert squeaked. “I… I… Percy said you were not—”
“What are you doing here?” Philip demanded. He strode to where Robert stood quivering, towering over the man as if he meant to crush him. They were of the same height, but Philip was broader and thicker and infinitely more powerful in every way that mattered. “Well?”
Robert’s body was shaking. “I came here to apologize. I have spent some time with my actions, seeing them for what they were, and I realized that I owe you and your wife—”
“I don’t want to hear it,” Philip cut over him with disgust. “Not now. Not ever.”
“But…” Robert leaned back. “Brother, I—”
“Do not brother me,” Philip snarled. “And do not act as if this is some test of piety or remorse. As if this is the first time—” He caught his tongue, body shaking as he struggled to control his anger.
“For my entire life, Robert, all I have done is look after you. Protect you where others would not—from yourself, as much as anybody else. And what have you shown me in return?” He sneered.
“Disrespect in such epic proportions that I wonder why I bothered.”
“I was wrong,” Robert agreed. “I was—”
“No,” Philip cut him off again. “I was wrong. Wrong to think you would change. Wrong to think that anything I did would make a difference. For so many years, I tried, and I tried. But Philip, I am done trying with you. For good.”
Iris had been stunned into silence when Philip stormed through the door.
Her stomach leapt through her throat. Her knees gave way so she nearly collapsed.
She had forgotten what Philip was like when he was angry and, seeing him in such a state, had her wondering if she even wanted the confrontation she knew they must have.
But she came into herself quickly. Hearing Philip denounce his brother with such venom. Seeing Robert quiver with fear and remorse under Philip’s glare. She felt a sudden desire to defend him.
To remind Philip that sometimes it is not such a bad thing to forgive people. That we all make mistakes… myself included.
“Philip, don’t…” Iris forced herself to walk forward. “There is no need to—”
“This isn’t for you!” Philip snapped at her.
Iris reared back, taken by his fury. “I… Robert and I… he told me—”
“I do not care what he told you,” Philip continued hotly.
“You do not know him as I do, Iris.” His lips curled.
“Unless that is another secret you have been keeping?” Iris winced as if from pain, casting her eyes because his words cut deeply.
“This is what Robert always does. Mistakes made, never learning from them, thinking he is owed forgiveness. It is time he learns that he is owed nothing.”
Despite how she felt, Iris was desperate to try again.
“It is not such a bad thing to forgive, Philip. Everyone makes mistakes—that is easy to do.” She looked at him so that he would know her meaning.
“Asking for forgiveness is where it becomes difficult. And giving that forgiveness, even harder still. He is your brother.”
“Which is why he should have known better,” Philip snarled. He glared a final time at her and then turned back to Robert. “I want you gone, Robert. You very nearly ruined everything, and I won’t stand around and let you do so a second time.”
Iris’s heart crashed. And not because of Philip’s refusal to forgive his brother. Rather, it was the way that Philip denounced him, refusing to accept mistakes made and the very notion of forgiveness.
He was speaking to his brother, but she felt that he was speaking to her. Wondering if he might be willing to move on from what had happened and what she had done, Iris knew now that there was just no way.
Robert, shaking from his brother’s wrath, did well to stand tall and look composed. “I am sorry, Philip. Just as I am sorry that you feel this way.”
“Sorry?” Philp scoffed. “I doubt you know the meaning of the word.”
“You would not understand it, even if I did.” Robert shook his head, turned, and strode from the room without looking back.
That left Iris and Philip alone.
Iris stayed watching Philip’s back, waiting for him to speak.
With his current temper, she did not welcome whatever it was he was sure to say.
But she knew too it needed to be said. Yell at me.
Denounce me. Blame me for everything. At least then I will know once and for all how you feel. If there is even a chance…
Philip did none of those things.
He was breathing heavily, body shaking all the while. He half turned and she braced for his wrath, only for him to bow his head and storm from the room as if she was not even there.
And Iris’ heart crashed through her chest as the room caved in around her. To be shouted at was one thing, but to be ignored was another entirely. Philip hated her for what she had done, and as he had so clearly demonstrated, he wasn’t the type to forgive easily.
This marriage, whatever it might have been, was well and truly finished.
Iris spent hours that night coming to her decision.
She skipped supper, done because she didn’t wish to see Philip, knowing at the same time he likely wouldn’t attend anyway. But that was the entire point.
Pacing her room, the world around her tumbling, she had no choice but to accept that this marriage had reached its end.
At least I can tell myself that this failing wasn’t brought about because we did not try. We gave it our all and despite what very nearly came of it, sometimes these things just aren’t meant to be.
But what did that even mean? She and Philip were married, so it was not as if they could divorce.
And an annulment was now off the table—although she doubted that Philip would accept such a thing.
He was at his core a man of principal and everything he did was in servitude of his family’s name and honor.
To officially end this marriage would be to ruin his reputation and she doubted he would dare.
With that in mind, Iris pictured clearly what the future might hold. It was a bleak image, and it brought with it a fresh helping of sorrow.
It would be as it had been those first days.
Philip doing all he could to avoid her. Iris, alone in this world, isolated and without anyone to speak with or care for her.
They would be like ghosts, drifting through this manor, able to see one another but unwilling to communicate or acknowledge what they once had.
It was a life that Iris did not want for herself. And one she would not accept willingly.
So it was that after hours of pacing, thinking, debating, and arguing with herself, she knew what she had to do. Her only hope was that Philip would see reason and accept her choice. That he would know it was for the best.
With that in mind, Iris found a sheet of parchment and some ink. She sat herself down and began to write. In her mind it would be the final time she and Philip might communicate, so she was certain to make her intentions clear. Even if she was not so certain of them herself.
And as she wrote this letter, she allowed the tears to flow. They dripped and stained the parchment; those stains saying what she could not bring herself to say. What she doubted Philip wanted to hear.
That through it all, and despite everything, Iris found herself falling in love with her husband. Love that was unreturned, doomed to failure, and had ended in tragedy.