Chapter 35 Madness
MADNESS
Let me be clever, not mad.
Bright without burning.
Let my mind be ironclad,
And forever learning.
The Witch’s Prayer
His voice is strange—darker, rougher, and sounds farther away than it actually is. He approaches, and the candles pulse in the rhythm of his steps. He’s not wearing his robes, nor a shirt or shoes. Nothing more than tight black trousers, and that obsidian pendant arrowing down his chest.
There is blood on his hands.
“Nothing,” Claudia says, stiffening.
“How did you get in?” He looms over her, flames dancing in his dark blue eyes.
“You must’ve left it unlocked.”
Bracing his hands on either side of the desk, he cages Claudia with his arms. “Liar.”
Something is wrong with him. “I’m sorry. I’ll leave.” She ducks beneath his arm to escape, but he catches her and pulls her close. His touch is cold.
“You’re not going anywhere.” As his fingers curl tightly around her waist and pinch her skin, there’s a strange hum in the air. It sounds like the grimoire. This close, Cassius doesn’t even look like himself. His features are too sharp. His warmth is all gone.
“Cassius,” she says firmly, “what happened at the ritual?”
The corners of his mouth fall. “I found out the truth about you.”
“What does that mean?”
“Alistair received a message from the god of death and flowers.” The air grows colder, the room darker. Outside, a strange blue light pours in like the moon is coming close enough to watch.
“What was it?”
His face hardens. “He said you’re going to kill me.”
He takes a long pause as though waiting for Claudia to make a confession.
“Wh-what do you—”
Underscored by one sharp breath, Cassius wraps his fingers around her throat and squeezes mercilessly. “Tell me the truth.”
As she claws at his hands, her eyes and mouth widen. “Cas—”
“You’re a fucking killer, Claudia. You killed your father before you came here, and now you want to kill me.”
Blood builds under her nails from where she claws at Cassius’s knuckles and wrists. She can smell the sour scent of the blood on his hands, staining her neck.
“I didn’t—I’m not—” she whimpers. His grip tightens.
Black feathers the edges of her vision. He pushes her down onto the desk, back pressed flat to the wood.
The back of her head slams against a sharp corner.
Warm wetness spreads over her scalp as the wound bleeds.
Cassius leans over her, crushing her lungs with his weight. His hands find her throat again.
“But I’m going to kill you first.”
She spends the last of her air to say, “Please, Cas. I”—she chokes as he squeezes harder—“love you.”
He laughs as the light spills out of her. “You’re too wicked to know real love.”
Unable to open her eyes, she feels around the desk until her fingers find something cold and sharp.
A pen or something. She slams her knee between Cassius’s legs, granting herself a moment to catch her breath when he relaxes his grip.
This moment is all she has. Whatever is in her hand, she springs up and slams it into Cassius’s neck.
Her vision is still black and blurry as Cassius slumps to the ground.
She, too, can’t stay standing. Sinking down, she lands on her knees with a crack.
Claudia presses her hands to her chest, fighting for air.
She touches the back of her head, and her fingers come back red.
When her vision returns, all the candles in the room have gone out. The room is cast in thin blue moonlight. To her right lies Cassius, blood spurting from his neck, the hilt of a letter opener bobbing from his throat as he chokes out his final breaths.
She did it.
She really did it.
Panic builds in her body. Rapid breaths shoot out her nose.
She killed him. She killed the love of her life.
But she had to, didn’t she? It was self-defense. It was even more necessary than killing her father. Cassius had his hands around her throat. She has the bruises to prove it.
But will anyone believe her? They must’ve all heard this message tonight that Claudia was going to kill Cassius. They knew she was going to do it. It’s too easy to argue that Cassius was actually the one fighting in self-defense.
She’s going to lose.
And now the love of her life is dead. He died by her hand, and he died thinking she never loved him at all.
She looks down. There’s blood all over her hands.
There’s blood all over her body.
“What have I done?” she whispers, and reality comes crashing down.
It’s happening again.
A bloodcurdling scream erupts from her mouth, and the floor falls from beneath her.
The walls melt away and the night yawns above her, the stars sharp as shattered glass.
For an eternity, she falls freely through endless black space, blood drying on her skin in the frigid wind.
Weightless, she wonders if she’s dead, too.
If she died from Cassius’s hands around her throat, or from a broken heart upon seeing his body.
She lands softly on white ground. It takes her a moment to fit words to her surroundings—snow beneath her; black above; cold everywhere.
And lying at her side like a lover in bed is Sidarphion.
“Hello, Starling,” he says with a smile.
She’s too stunned and scared to move. Positioning himself on his knees, he lifts her limp arm up to his lips and does exactly what he promised—he licks the blood from her hands.
His tongue, wet with desire, languishes in every stroke.
“Look at you, beautiful girl.” His lips kiss along her bloodstained arms. “My perfect god.” He circles her pulsing wrist with his tongue.
Her bruises, cuts, and wounds all begin to heal underneath his mouth. “My Auridolace.”
His magic warms her skin. Tingles travel up her body when he sucks blood from her fingers.
She blinks tightly as her awareness returns.
Sitting up, she touches Sidarphion’s face.
Her fingers slide over the steep incline of his nose, the harsh angles of his brows, the bloodstains on his lips.
This is the Realm of Nightmares—she can smell it.
“You’re here,” she says, though the words slur together.
“I’m here with you.”
She shakes her head. “You’re still here. You’re still trapped.” The realization washes over her, a wave of pure relief. “That was a nightmare, wasn’t it?” She fell asleep in Cassius’s room. Her body is there, right now, alone. Cassius is at Starlake, alive.
Sidarphion nods.
Relief bursts in her chest. She didn’t hurt Cassius, and Cassius doesn’t know that she might.
Claudia exhales, crumpling into herself. She cries in relief. “It wasn’t real,” she repeats over and over.
Sidarphion stands her up and holds her close, licking blood from her neck. “But it will be.”
In his arms, she stiffens. Her vision remains hazy, her voice weak. “You’re wrong.”
“Your mind is starting to burn, Starling. You need to kill him soon to save yourself.” He sucks the last of the blood from her smallest finger. She shivers and gags.
“In your mind, you’ve already done it. It will be easier now.”
Jerking her hand back, she says, “I love him. I won’t kill him.”
“You’ve thought about it, haven’t you?”
“No.”
“Don’t lie to me. I’m the one person who will accept every dark thought you’ve ever had. This is the one place where you can be honest.”
She sighs, struggling to remain upright on her knees. She has no choice but to lean into Sidarphion’s hold. He caresses her, calms her. She hates how much better she already feels.
Minutes of silence pass. “Admit it,” he purrs. “You’ve considered it. You can only dream of things you have already conceived.”
A sharp breath slides through her teeth. After a thick swallow, she admits, “Of course I’ve thought about it. How could I not? It’s my life or his. It’s natural to want to survive.”
Sidarphion grins, flashing his fangs. “Good.”
“But I won’t.”
“You can keep telling yourself that, but if you were alone with him in the dark, a blade in your hand and the clock of your life about to run out, could you stop yourself from slitting his throat?”
“I—”
“Because in your nightmare, you did not. You killed him in seconds.”
“Because he was going to kill me.”
“Don’t you see?” he growls, gripping her shoulders and leaning so close to her face that his icy breath stings her tear-stained cheeks.
“That’s the truth of your situation. He is going to kill you.
His hands are choking out your life right now.
” He breathes his power against her lips, and the sweet smell makes her eyes roll back.
“Give in, Starling. Your desires point to me and all that I can give. Listen to that instinct. Obey that pull.”
She exhales roughly, turning her head to the side to escape the scent of his tempting power. “Love is stronger than desire.”
“But is it stronger than desire and rationale combined? You know you want what I have, and you know you’ll die if you don’t take it. Love cannot overpower the instinct to survive and the crave of power all at once.”
“You’re wrong. You’re going to lose.”
“You speak as if you and I aren’t on the same side. If I lose, so do you. If you choose him over me, you die.”
The wind howls around them. “Then we should say goodbye now.”
The god scoffs. “Starling, be serious.”
“I am serious. This will be the last time you see me. For it won’t be long until I’m dead, and it will be your fault.”
His eyes darken. “Don’t say that.”
“Don’t kill me,” she says, her voice somewhere between a plea and a laugh. How can he pretend that this isn’t entirely his fault? He could stop it if he wanted to.
“It doesn’t work that way,” he barks, both angry and desperate.
She shrugs. “Then there’s nothing more to say.”
He blinks tightly, then hangs his head with a sigh. “You’re a fool.”
“And you’re a prisoner,” she bites back. “What will you do once I’m gone? How many more bargains can you make? How much longer will you survive?”