Chapter 35 Madness #2
“I’m not going to lose you. You’re going to come to your senses, or perhaps you will abandon them as madness keeps creeping in. I am sorry for how much worse things are going to get for you before the end.”
“If you’re so sorry, then don’t hurt me.”
“I don’t have a choice. You are failing the bargain. You’re being punished by fate—not me. It will all be different once I’m free. This I swear to you.”
“Your freedom is what scares me most of all.”
“You know I can feel when you lie?” His hand flattens over his chest. “I have a piece of your soul. I feel you, always, everything you think and feel and are. You’re not afraid of me.
You never have been. I know there is a part of you who wants me, because a part of you is forever inside me.
” He picks up her hand and puts it on his chest. It doesn’t feel like a heartbeat.
It feels like one constant hum. “Feel that? That’s you, Starling.
That is all your desire and darkness breathing life into me, keeping me close, keeping us tied together until you get everything you want.
You beg me to free you from this bargain, and yet I cannot let go of your soul because your soul will not let go of me. ”
She feels the truth of his words beneath her palm. That’s her soul, deep inside him, calling her here.
“I hate you,” she growls.
His lips hover a hair’s width away from hers. “Liar.”
She stomps on his foot, startling him enough to unravel his arms from her waist. She runs, but he chases like the hunter he is.
Above her, his voice booms. “You can’t escape me, Starling.
” She slams into his chest when he appears in front of her, his body like a wall of ice.
He catches her by the throat and angles her face up to his. “You don’t want to.”
His teeth sink into her neck, piercing the scars from their bargain.
A river of powerful desire races through her blood.
It feels different—stronger than last time, like it’s building upon all the power she’s swallowed before.
It’s like sinking into her bath but better.
It’s like falling through the ocean, still breathing.
She feels his tongue flicking out and stroking the hungriest part of her soul.
“I could take all of your soul right now, but I won’t,” he purrs against her skin, “because soon, you will offer it to me willingly.” He touches his heart.
“Free me, and this is where you will live.” His hand then sinks to his stomach.
“Fail me, and this is where you will rot.”
She’s woken up by footsteps on the other side of the door.
Looking out the window, she sees it’s still dark outside, but the black sky is fading to blue at the edge.
When a key slides into the handle, Claudia panics.
She can’t let Cassius see her in here. She can’t let her nightmare become real.
Eyes darting around the room, she searches for a hiding space.
Under the bed? No, it’s too low to the ground.
The bathroom? No—there’s nowhere to hide once inside. Maybe the armoire? Or—
She’s taking too long. As the door unlocks, she runs to the windows and tangles herself in the blue velvet curtains. Through a small slit, she sees Cassius stumble inside and drop his things on the ground. He looks exhausted.
In silence, she watches while he sweeps through his routine: shoes off at the door, clothes dropped at the side of the bed, sheets folded over twice before he slides between them.
He pulls something dark from the edge of the bed and holds it close to his chest. It takes only a few seconds for his breathing to become heavy and slow.
He’s asleep. She could do it. She could do it right now and be done with the whole thing. Kill him, and it all stops. Kill him, and she becomes a god.
She steps out from the curtains and looms over him.
He is so beautiful. So perfect. So alive. And he’s holding her black chemise that she gave him.
She doesn’t want to kill him. She wants to crawl in bed next to him, curl into his side, and live there like a rib.
Leaning down, she brushes his soft black hair from his face.
“I could never kill you,” she whispers. “I love you too much.”
She leaves his room in a quiet surrender.
No more silent considerations. No more nightmares of killing. No more dreams of godhood.
Cassius is going to live.
Claudia is going to die.
Claudia dangles a mouse by its tail like a pendulum. “Come on, Bishop. You have to eat.” He’s been refusing food for almost two weeks now. Claudia thinks it’s because he knows something is wrong with her, and he misses Alistair. Alistair always brought the best meals.
Bishop flicks his tongue and turns his head, uninterested. Claudia leaves the mouse in the corner of his enclosure and hopes he’ll eat when she’s not watching.
She sits at her vanity and stares at herself in the mirror.
She looks worse than she did when she left Kulden—tired, sunken eyes; dull, dry skin; unbrushed hair; unkempt robes.
With a tight blink, she pulls a piece of paper from her nearby bag, plucks a quill from the table, and dips it into an open inkwell.
It’s time to do something she’s been dreading: writing out the care instructions for Bishop.
Someone is going to have to take him in once she’s gone.
This feels like the final surrender. She thought she would cry during this, but as she writes, she doesn’t feel anything at all. She’s accepted it. She’s resigned to it. She’s already dead.
Alistair, please take Bishop. He loves you as much as I do.
· Feed him one big meal a week, or two small ones. He does well with live or dead food.
· Do not waste your time giving him any snails or slugs. He’s picky and he hates anything too squishy.
While she’s at it, she writes out all her final wishes.
· Marcherie, you can have all my clothes. You’ll wear them better than I ever did.
· Cassius, take this to heart: I love you, and I will keep loving you from wherever I go once I die. Also, you can have all my books. That’s the bright side to all this: We no longer have to share. (That was meant to make you laugh. I hope it at least made you smirk.)
It was worth it, you know.
“The madness of love is the greatest of heaven’s blessings.”—Plato