Chapter 23
Twenty-Three
Eliot
My family milled around Aggie’s shop. Ansen had cleaned the floor and pushed all his equipment to the side. In one corner, he’d fashioned a small fenced area, not unlike the picket segments in Cali’s pasture kit, and had laid a large piece of carpet. The area was scattered with toys. Grayson was reading to Cali and his youngest sister while Kellan scooted around with Ansen’s daughter and oldest boy.
Lily’s parents had been chatting with me but then Weston had found an opening with Cody. The two weren’t just talking oil wells, judging from their laughter.
I was at a table, facing the kids so Lily could catch up with Sutton. Sutton and Wilder each wore a baby in a sling. Austen did the same, Cody too. I was going to feel left out if Ansen showed up with his new son strapped to his chest.
Lily was next to me, pushing mashed potatoes and gravy around on her plate.
“Don’t you like the potatoes?” I asked.
When she glanced at me, her gaze was guarded. “No. It’s great. I think my appetite is just… I’m not hungry.” She pushed her plate away. “There was so much good food.”
There was, but she hadn’t eaten a lot. We hadn’t had time for a large breakfast after opening presents, cleaning up the mess, getting Bug outside for some running before he was put into his enclosure, then preparing everything we might need for today.
This gathering was a present-free zone. I had never been more relieved after Cali’s delight over the ornament. A family ornament.
Where would it hang next year? How would she take it when her mom and I came to the inevitable conclusion that this wouldn’t work out? Once the stipulations of the marriage were met, there would be no denying that seeing me for a weekend every month or so wasn’t enough.
The damn thing had all our names on it, and I’d seen how happy she was about it.
Mrs. Beeker said to write our whole family’s name on it.
When Cali had thought of her family, she hadn’t put her piece-of-shit bio dad’s name on it in her tiny, unwieldy handwriting. She’d written my name.
Knight men let down the women in their lives. It’s inevitable.
The only way I couldn’t fail Lily and the kids would be to step back. I’d known it before I’d seen the gift, and now I was shown why. I was nothing but a heartbreak waiting to happen for Lily and Cali.
So why had I asked Jasper if he could carve a date on the horse?
Something to remember me by.
Wouldn’t I want her to forget me and all the ways she had hoped for more? I’d seen the thrill in her eyes die when I told her why I’d had the date etched into the wood.
Something to remember me by.
I was just a guy trying to do the right thing, and I couldn’t stop messing it up somehow.
Knight men let down women in their lives. It’s inevitable.
Austen sat across from us with a plate of food. Dark circles rimmed under his eyes, but he was filled with a vibrancy I couldn’t identify. He was tired but elated.
“Where’s Francine?” I asked.
“Feeding time.” He sawed off a hunk of ham. “Then Vienne said she’d keep her, and they’d snooze on Aggie’s couch. Thought I’d grab a bite where I don’t have to worry about dropping food on Francine’s head.”
Lily smiled. “Mom and baby look well. How are you all feeling?”
He was chewing, but he rubbed a hand down his face. “I thought I was getting too old for early morning formations, but I’d almost trade the middle-of-the-night wake-ups for those.” He grinned, looking every inch the smitten new dad. “Almost.”
“I like seeing you run ragged.”
He’d taken another bite, so all he could do was shoot me a glare. He switched his gaze to Lily. “Do me a favor and send me a picture when he has to drag his ass out of bed sometime between midnight and four a.m.?”
She smiled, and this one lacked the woodenness from her earlier grins. “I really hope Kellan’s past the worst of that.”
Austen bobbed his head and shifted his attention back to me. “Glad you decided to make it down for this.”
Grateful he didn’t know how close I’d come to skipping out, I dipped my head. “Have to keep my favorite uncle status.”
“I was worried you’d try to work for martyr boss status instead.”
“It’s not like you gave me a choice. ‘See you at Christmas,’ then you hung up.”
Lily tipped her head to the side like she didn’t hear what I said.
Austen’s grin was unrepentant. “I know when pulling rank isn’t enough.”
Those were the moments when his laid-back style was dangerous. “Well, it worked. I’m here, and I even opened presents with everyone this morning.”
“Oh yeah? What gifts did you come bearing?” When his gaze jumped to Lily, his expression flickered. Then he swiveled his attention back to me, and there was a hint of disappointment in his eyes.
I explained the gifts, but I was attuned to Lily. She was quiet and picking at a Christmas cookie that had been part of the catering package.
“Sounds like it was a fun morning.” His words were stilted. He grabbed his plate and pushed back his chair. “I’m going to check on Vienne. Merry Christmas to you and yours in case I fall asleep with them.”
“Merry Christmas,” I murmured at the same time Lily did.
A few moments after he left, she twisted in her chair. “You weren’t planning on coming for Christmas?”
Her words vibrated with a sense of betrayal that rocked me back. “I was scheduled to cover Christmas.”
“Because you would’ve gotten Thanksgiving off.” At my hesitation, she shook her head. “Chambers said you’ve had a nice rotation for years but that you went off and did something unusual for Thanksgiving. Was it to avoid us?”
The hurt in her eyes was like claws around my chest. “No. You had plans with your family.”
“That you were invited to.”
“And then what, Lily? I get all chummy with them and we stay close after the divorce?” I kept my voice hushed. The two of us were an oasis at our table, but from the way we were facing each other, both of us tense, we probably radiated stay back vibes.
“Did it ever occur to you that there didn’t have to be a divorce?”
“We’ve been over this.”
“No, you have.” She grabbed her plate and shoved her chair back in a way that we still faced each other. “You’ve been over and over the same scenario and nothing ever changes because you don’t want it to.”
“Lily.” I didn’t know what else to say. Couldn’t she understand I was trying to do what was right by her? By the kids? “I care about you.”
“But you could never love me?” She spoke quietly, but the words hit and ricocheted through my head loud and clear. “You know, when I first met you, I thought you were exactly what I wanted. You were everything my ex was supposed to be. And you’ve only proven that notion correct. But in the end, my ex didn’t want to be in love with me, and neither do you.”
Indignation blazed a path across the back of my neck. How dare she compare me to the guy who pawned off two kids and stepped all over her heart? “I’m nothing like him.”
She stared at me for a moment. “No,” she said flatly. “In a lot of ways, you’re not.” Then she stood and gathered her empty cup and her plate. “I need to talk to my parents. Make sure you tell the kids goodbye before you leave.”
And she was gone. Stunned, I stared at the tabletop. I never set out to hurt her feelings. If anything, I was guilty of not realizing that she might be hurt by the way I tried to protect her. I could live with that. She’d realize I was right, eventually. I was ready for it.
What I wasn’t ready for was the way my chest was going to crack open and dump my heart on the floor. I rubbed my sternum. Fuck me, this sucked. I could barely take a full breath. As long as I was the one in pain and not her. Never her.
Happy New Year.
I stared at my message to Lily. She hadn’t yet responded. It’d been a week since I left Crocus Valley, a week since Christmas. I’d talked to Lily once, and she’d been busy with a hamster on the loose in the bedroom and Bug vomiting. He’d apparently eaten Cali’s pretend lunch—plastic bowl and all.
I couldn’t bug Sutton about her because my sister-in-law wouldn’t return to her regular work for another few weeks. Jasper hadn’t been to Crocus Valley since that first family picnic, and if I asked if everything was okay with Lily, he’d ask me why it wouldn’t be. He’d wonder what I’d done, and my explanation would sound weak. I can’t fall in love with her, and she’s finally realized it and she’s upset. But you see, Knight men let down women, and I had to pick which way to let her down the best.
Would my brothers or I have bought any of that when it came to our little sister?
When Ansen had made some lame excuse about taking money from our father to marry Aggie when he actually seemed to enjoy being with her, we’d still run him off the property.
Only, the ranch was mine, and I wouldn’t be running Jasper out. So I didn’t ask him.
Instead, I was sitting on one of the little-used chairs in the living room while the wind howled outside.
Chambers shuffled out from the hallway where his office was. “I’d better get going. The wind is picking up, and it’s going to kick up all that fresh snow. Roxie won’t like it if I get stuck here.”
“She knows you might try so you can watch your shows.”
He chuckled. “She got me a— What do you call those? A smart TV. Yeah, she got me one of those for Christmas. I can have my shows and my wife during the blizzard. As long as the power holds up. You good?”
I wiggled my phone. “Just worried about Lily. I doubt she’s going anywhere for New Year’s, but the same weather will go through there tomorrow. I’d like to know she’s prepared and ready.” Did she have enough food and water if the wind knocked out any power?
“You don’t know already? Don’t you two talk every day?”
We used to. I looked at my phone every five minutes to make sure I hadn’t missed a message. “She’s been busy this week.”
He blinked, then a long sigh eked out of him and he leaned against the island counter. “What’d you do?”
“Why do you think it’s anything I did?” I asked, irritated. It was something I had done. Or didn’t do.
A bushy gray brow lifted. “Lily’s a levelheaded woman, and she’s crazy about you. I don’t see her ghosting—is that the right word? It’s what my grandson says when a girl quits talking to him. Anyhow, I don’t see her ghosting you. She’s crazy about you.”
She had been. An invisible punch hit my gut. “She might be upset that I went there for Christmas because Austen pressured me.”
“That’s not how you make a woman feel special.”
“It’s because she is special that I don’t want to lead her on,” I said tightly. I glanced out the window. The sun was going down, and with the cloud cover and the wind gusts, it’d be hard to see the road soon. “Don’t you have to go?”
His expression turned obstinate, but he looked out the window. “I have some time.”
His wife wouldn’t agree. She’d have my ass if he got stranded, only I’d punish myself first. “No, you don’t. Get home before you go into a ditch.”
“I know these roads like the back of my hand.”
“But you don’t know them blindfolded.”
He didn’t move. “If I thought you were actually worried for my safety, then I’d go. But you want to get out of talking about your feelings and how you keep hiding from them.”
I ground my teeth together. “I am not hiding from them.”
“Do you love her?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“That’s not a no.”
The sound of footsteps made us both look over. Jasper emerged from the hallway, pushing up the sleeves of his blue flannel shirt. He stopped and glanced back and forth between us. Chambers was giving me a hard stare, and I was militantly gazing back at him.
Jasper held his hands up. “Shit. What’d I walk into?”
“Nothing,” I answered. “Chambers was just taking off so his wife doesn’t worry about him.”
Chambers’s mustache twitched. “Yes. I sure was. Happy New Year, boys.”
“Have fun for the both of us,” Jasper told him.
I glowered out the window.
“I’d ask if everything’s okay,” Jasper drawled, “but you look like you’d tell me to fuck off.”
“I’m fine.”
“Sure, boss.”
I winced at his nickname. I should be used to being called boss, but right now, the word only made me think of my little boss lady before I left on Christmas Day and how she’d asked when she’d see me again. As always, I never gave her a definite answer.
She thought I was her family. The stupid ring on my finger said I should be, but I wasn’t. I shouldn’t have married Lily. I should’ve known I would be in a position to make a woman feel like she didn’t mean enough and to make a kid wonder why she wasn’t good enough. Would Kellan remember me at all?
I continued to stare out the window. Chambers claimed I was hiding, but I wasn’t. I knew exactly how I felt and I’d face it. Alone.
Lily
I pushed my fingertips to my forehead. Tears streamed down my face, my shame mixed with their saltiness. I should’ve known better.
I care about you.
After Thanksgiving, I hadn’t been ready to admit that I was in love with Eliot. We’d said the words to each other once, over the phone, and we’d never said them again. We’d never mentioned saying them. But his reaction two weeks ago on Christmas morning had shown me exactly where my emotions were. I wouldn’t have been so devastated otherwise.
Mom softly knocked on my bedroom door. She’d been staying with me since Christmas. Fuck Carter and the way he nagged on me about my family. I needed them. I needed my mom.
“Have you called him yet?”
I shook my head.
“Okay. I’ll make sure to keep Cali and Kellan entertained.”
“Thank you, Mom.”
I was closed in my room once again. Last week, I’d eventually returned Eliot’s message with my own, wishing him a happy New Year. We’d only talked on the phone twice, and there hadn’t been endearments. Definitely no more phone sex.
It was time to rip the bandage off.
My heart twisted, but I dialed his number.
He answered with one ring. “Lily pad.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Why’d he have to do that now? “Hey, Eliot. Do you have time to talk?”
“Of course. What’s going on?”
The words almost choked me. “I have divorce papers drafted.”
I was met with silence. Would he talk me out of it? Tell me no, that he’d changed his mind? Would he tell me that he really was in love with me and he’d figure something out?
“I see. I mean, it’s after the first of the year and July will be here before we know it.”
My heart sank. He didn’t understand what I meant. Spelling it out would be painful, but then Christmas had hurt more than I could’ve imagined. “No, Eliot. These are for sooner. The lawyer can send them certified mail since I told him we wouldn’t be contesting it?—”
“What do you mean sooner?”
“You don’t want this,” I said sadly.
“I want to help you.”
“And I want more.” Tears continued to gather. “I can’t deny it anymore. I fell for you, Eliot. I fell for you really hard. But each time you make an appearance, it’s out of obligation. Not once have you spent time with us because you wanted to.”
“What was Thanksgiving about?”
Wasn’t that what I had been asking myself for two weeks? They’d been blissful days, but he hadn’t asked for them. He’d done everything he could to make me feel welcome, and I’d seen the strain on him, running back and forth between me and his chores. “Be honest, Eliot. How badly did my sudden appearance stress you out?”
“It wasn’t like that.” He made a frustrated noise. “What about the house?”
That was where my parents came in. My dad wasn’t a lawyer, but he’d been steeped in legalities for years in the oil industry. Contracts weren’t new to him, nor were workarounds or loopholes.
“My parents and I talked with Aunt Linda. Technically, I have six years before I need to get married.” Again. For the third time. “It’s the middle of winter, and she and my uncle would like someone to keep an eye on the place through the winter. It’s old and frozen pipes and all that.” If the pipes hadn’t frozen over the last several decades, they weren’t going to. “Technically, I can’t rent, but Dad got it set up that he’s going to rent. Nothing in the trust forbids him from renting Grandma’s properties.”
If I had gone to Dad first, I could’ve avoided all this. Eliot would’ve been saved from the mess that was me. But then Linda might not have gone for it. She thought I was just another scorned woman, leaving a man who didn’t treasure her like he should.
“As it is, she only agreed to six months. She doesn’t want Dad trying to rent every open living space Grandma had owned. It gives me plenty of time to find a suitable place to rent in Crocus Valley.”
“Jesus, Lily?—”
“I haven’t talked to anyone yet about this,” I continued, my voice getting stronger. Hearing him distraught would not help me. I had to remember each and every time he mentioned divorce. I could cry—again—when I got off the phone. “I can send your clothing back with Mom, and Jasper can meet her to grab it.”
“What the hell, Lily?”
He sounded hurt and frustrated. My heart was cracking deeper. No matter how he felt about me, all this was my fault. “Remember how you said that initially?” I laughed, a hollow sound. “You rose to a challenge that was never yours to face.”
“I thought we had an agreement. This summer, so you could get the house.”
“Yes. You were clear about the agreement.” I let out a long, heavy breath. “I want more, Eliot. I’ve already had a guy tell me all the ways I don’t fit into his life. You might not have asked me to flip my world to make yours easier, but you’ve made it clear I don’t fit in your life. I don’t want that. I want a guy who makes room for me. I want a true partner, not someone who finds ways to be absent. I want to get married to a man who really wants to spend his life with me for once. I hope I deserve at least that.” I was breathing hard by the end of my confession. My voice had been rising, and I couldn’t draw Cali to the bedroom. “I think you need to really think about what you want too. Because I don’t think it’s sitting out on that ranch alone. You’ve convinced yourself there’s no other way, but you’re wrong. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about your family, it’s that they’re there for you. They’re just waiting for you to ask.”
I was met with silence again. A hot tear rolled down my cheek.
He cleared his throat. “You’ll make sure Cali knows this has nothing to do with her?”
“Of course.” Another tear. He wasn’t going to fight me on this. Our divorce might be even easier than the one from Carter. My heart was going to crack right in half.
“I really cared about you, Lily.”
“That’s the difference between us. I fell in love with you, Eliot. You made it easy to fall in love with you, but you made it hurt to stay in love with you.” I licked my lips and tasted tears. They were rolling free now. “Goodbye, Eliot.”
I hung up before I caved in to what I really wanted to do and begged him to love me.
The complete silence finished wrecking my heart. It was done. Once he signed those papers, I would be single again, and I might just stay that way. One thing the relationship with Eliot did for me was get me comfortable with living alone.