Chapter 9 #2
“He’s called Stefan.” I took a sip, buying myself a moment. “He’s confident. Very sure of himself.”
Karl smiled. “That can be useful.”
“And dangerous,” I added.
Karl’s eyes flickered with amusement. “Often the same thing.”
I huffed a quiet breath. “And he doesn’t pretend. If he thinks something, he says it.”
He tilted his head. “That’s refreshing.”
“No, that’s terrifying,” I corrected.
That made him laugh. “Ah. Now I understand.” He paused. “And Hans?”
I groaned. “Don’t.”
Karl sighed. “He made a pass at you.”
“What gave it away?”
“Hans makes a pass at anything with a pulse,” he said dryly.
I snorted. “He said he’d made one at you once.” That hadn’t left me all day.
Karl gave a small, resigned smile. “In all the years we’ve known each other, have I ever discussed my private life?”
“No,” I admitted.
“Then perhaps it’s time I did.”
I looked at him.
Karl met my gaze calmly. “Yes, I’m gay.” He said it simply, just stating a fact. “I came back to Berlin for someone. We were together for a few years. It ended.” A small shrug. “I stayed.”
I nodded, taking that in. It didn’t feel surprising, but it did clarify a few things.
Karl studied me for a moment. “May I offer you some advice?”
“Of course.”
He took a sip of his drink. “Let go of the idea that you need to understand everything before you experience it. You don’t.”
I frowned. “That feels… risky.”
“It is,” he said. “But so is staying exactly where you are.”
That hit home.
Karl smiled, his eyes bright. “Feel. Experience. See what happens.” A beat. “Just… don’t go to bed with Hans.”
I laughed, the tension breaking instantly. “That wasn’t on my To Do list.”
“Good. He’s far too young for you.”
“No argument from me.”
Karl’s gaze sharpened. “What about this Stefan? Is he more… appropriate?”
I hesitated before replying. “Yes.”
He nodded. “You like him.”
“Yes,” I said at last. “I do.”
Karl watched me. “And?”
I exhaled slowly. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” I admitted. “But I don’t feel as if I’m getting it wrong.”
Karl’s expression grew warmer. “That’s a good place to start.” Another pause. “Is he the right age?”
I bit my lip. “He might be.”
Karl’s smile deepened. “And attractive?”
I met his gaze. “Yes.”
“Intelligent?”
“Yes.”
Karl tilted his head. “And sexy?”
Heat rose, uninvited, but not unwelcome. “Yes.”
Karl let out a satisfied hum. “Well,” he said, lifting his glass, “he sounds like an excellent way to begin.”
I blinked. “Begin what?”
Karl’s eyes twinkled. “Your search for whatever it is you came here to find.”
I let that settle. For the first time, I thought I might be starting to understand what that was.
Karl took another sip, then added, almost as an afterthought, “Enjoy it.”
I smiled. “I think I might.”
Later, when I lay in bed, the city humming beyond the windows, I found myself replaying the day. Not the zoo, or the conversation with Karl.
Him.
The way he gazed at me. The way he didn’t look away.
My phone vibrated on the bedside table, and I picked it up.
Stefan: Pleasant dreams, Kieran.
I didn’t reply, although my fingers itched to type. I overrode the impulse to send the one message I shouldn’t.
If I dream of you, they will be.
I turned onto my side, staring into the dim light.
Tomorrow.
The word settled somewhere deep.
I’m looking forward to what comes next.
Except sleep didn’t come. Not even close.
I stared up at the ceiling, the faint glow of the city filtering through the blinds, the quiet hum of Berlin settling into the background.
All I could think about was Stefan. How he’d let me decide.
I shifted onto my side, exhaling slowly.
Goodnight, Kieran.
Pleasant dreams, Kieran.
I dragged a hand over my face. Why didn’t I make a move? Except I already knew the answer.
Because I’d wanted to. Too much.
I let out a breath of pure frustration, then turned onto my back again. I could still see it, the way he’d stared at my mouth. I could feel the weight of that pause.
The pull towards him.
The moment could’ve tipped right then and there—
And then I’d stopped it.
I turned onto my side again, pulling the covers closer without really needing them.
Tomorrow.
I knew what would happen, or at least I knew what I wanted to happen.
That alone was enough to make my heartbeat quicken.
I let out a slow breath, staring into the dim light. “I’m in trouble,” I muttered to myself.
But that wasn’t the truth. Maybe for the first time ever, I felt as though I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Even if I had no idea what came next.
Stefan
By the time I reached my apartment, the city had settled into that late-night rhythm I knew well, quieter but never still.
I let myself in, closing the door with a soft click behind me. Jacket off. Shoes kicked aside. A glass of water poured and left untouched on the counter.
Routine.
I moved through it automatically, but my mind wasn’t on it.
It hadn’t been for a while.
I leaned back against the counter, exhaling slowly. The day had not gone as expected. That, in itself, wasn’t unusual. What was, though?
How little I minded.
My thoughts shifted to Kieran.
I’d met men like him before. Curious, careful men, standing on the edge of something they didn’t yet understand.
Kieran was different. Not because he was uncertain, but because he was honest about it.
That’s rare.
I replayed the evening without meaning to, and my thoughts went to That Moment outside the restaurant.
I could have kissed him.
Kieran wouldn’t have stopped me, but that wasn’t the point, not with this one.
I want—
I paused, the thought not quite forming fully. Then I had it.
I want Kieran to choose it.
That mattered.
Before my brain could countermand the impulse, I typed a short message.
Pleasant dreams, Kieran.
I half-thought he’d respond, but it was late.
Look at you, sending texts. What’s next, heart emojis?
I ran my hand over the back of my neck.
This had gone way beyond interesting.
I moved towards the bedroom, switching off lights as I went. As I undressed, my thoughts drifted once more to the way Kieran had looked at me. I could recognise attraction, but there was more to him than that.
Something more searching. More open.
I lay back against the pillows, staring up at the ceiling.
I’m not looking for anything. That much hadn’t changed. But…
I closed my eyes.
If something presents itself—something worth the time—I’m not opposed to seeing where it leads.
The last thought that filtered through my brain before sleep claimed me, was to wonder what Kieran would do next.