Chapter 20 #2
I lay on my front, my head on a cushion, and he brought me a bottle of water.
The shift from standing to lying down made me more aware of everything again, the warmth, the lingering sensations, the way my body hadn’t quite decided what to do with it all yet.
The coolness of the water grounded me, bringing me back into myself piece by piece.
Then cool fingers moved over my back, and I sighed.
“That feels so good. It smells good too. What is it?”
“It’s a cream that contains aloe. It will help.”
I closed my eyes and let him spread it over my warmed skin, inhaling its pleasant scent.
When he was done, Stefan sat on the floor next to me, giving me space, watching me.
For a few moments, neither of us spoke, but the quiet didn’t feel empty.
“You did well,” he said at last. “You were brave to ask for this.” Then he leaned in and kissed me, his fingers gentle on my face.
I’d never felt so close to anyone else in my entire life.
I tightened my grip on the neck of the bottle. “I didn’t expect to feel so much.”
“No,” he said. “Most people don’t.”
I had to find a way to share the hugeness of it all with him. “There was a moment where everything else just… disappeared.”
Stefan nodded. “That happens.”
“It wasn’t about—” I gestured vaguely. “What you were doing.”
“No,” he said again. “It rarely is.”
I handed him the bottle, aware now of the heaviness settling into my limbs, the way my body seemed to be coming back to itself in stages.
Stefan closed the distance between us, his hand resting on my shoulder, warm and steady.
I leaned into him, and he let me. I could feel him there, a solid safe presence.
My eyes drifted closed again for a moment, not from exhaustion but from the simple relief of not needing to hold anything together.
“You’re still with me?” His quiet voice added to the calm that flowed through me.
I nodded. “I’d like to try to tell you how it felt.”
Stefan said nothing, his hand gently stroking me.
“It was… it was almost as if my mind shut down, and I found myself in what felt like a… a blank space, where it was just me and the sensations.”
He kissed my temple.
“It was so… cathartic.” I managed a chuckle. “This will sound really strange, but… It was as though I was letting go of things I’d been holding onto.”
“What kind of things?”
I hesitated for a second or two. “The way I’d hid myself for so long, trying to be something I wasn’t, to deny the way I felt, about liking men…
So I gave it all up to… to the cosmos, I suppose.
Every time I felt the flogger, it was like you were…
purging me of all the stuff that had held me back.
And in its place, all I could feel was calm…
and peace.” I paused. “Thank you.” The words slipped out before I could stop them.
“You don’t need to thank me.”
“I do,” I murmured. Because I understood part of it now. This wasn’t about control in the way I’d imagined. It wasn’t about losing anything.
It was about being able to let go, because someone else was holding the line.
Stefan
I listened without interrupting. What he was giving me deserved space.
The words came haltingly at first, then with more certainty, as if he were discovering them even as he spoke. I kept my hand on him, letting him know I was there. When he finished, when that quiet thank you slipped out, my chest tightened.
“You don’t need to thank me.” This had not been something I had given him. It was something he had allowed.
I trailed my fingers slowly across his shoulder, feeling his body soften, the tension draining out of him.
He’d gone somewhere this evening. Someplace deep inside himself.
And he trusted me to bring him back.
I pressed a brief kiss to his temple, more deliberate this time. “You did that, not me.”
He shifted beneath my hand, but didn’t argue.
Good. I wouldn’t allow him to diminish his part in it. I’d seen the courage it took to ask for more.
I remained where I was for a while longer, letting him settle fully, watching for the small signs—the steadiness of his breathing, the way his body came back into itself, the quiet awareness returning.
“When you’re ready, do you want to come back to my place?”
His smile was almost serene. “I’d like that. I’d better let Karl know, though.” He pushed himself up into a sitting position, and I was already there, my hand at his back again. He picked up the bottle of water and drank more of it.
Then he flushed. “I do feel a little guilty.”
“Why?”
“Well, we came to this party and basically ignored everyone here.”
I laughed. “Everyone here was also occupied, in case you didn’t notice. And trust me, they won’t hold it against you.” I gazed at him. “So now I have to ask… is this something you would do again?”
He bit his lip. “Are we talking about the party, or the impact play?”
“That’s up to you.”
Kieran’s eyes didn’t leave mine. “Then yes—to both things.”
That hit harder than I’d expected.
He sat there for a few minutes, then nodded. “Let’s go.”
I helped him dress, easing him carefully into his clothing, knowing I’d apply more aloe before bed.
Rolf stood in the doorway, watching us. “Did you two have fun?”
I glanced at Kieran, who gave a shy smile.
“It was… something,” he admitted.
Rolf chuckled. “Yes, that much I could see for myself.” He shook Kieran’s hand. “You need to come back here at Easter. I’ll be having another party, and you will be most welcome.”
Kieran flushed. “Thank you.”
I gave Rolf a hug, and as his cheek met mine, he whispered, “Hold onto this one.”
I wish I could.
Outside, the night air was cool. Kieran took several deep breaths before we started walking. I didn’t feel the need to fill the silence.
He probably has enough going on right now.
I glanced at him as we walked, at the way he held himself now.
He trusted me with something real. And I’d accepted it.
We reached my building without either of us uttering another word. I unlocked the door, stepping aside to let him in first.
I removed my jacket slowly, setting it aside, giving myself a moment to recalibrate.
This was where I needed to be careful.
At some point, Kieran would leave. That had not changed. Tonight had made that future feel closer, sharper. But in spite of knowing that, despite learning how to hold everything at a distance, I closed the gap between us.
He’s here, now.
And I was not going to pretend that didn’t matter.
Kieran
The room was quiet.
I lay on my side, one arm beneath my head, staring at Stefan lying next to me, my breathing slow and even.
My mind was still moving, however.
“You’re thinking again.”
I smiled. “Don’t you know me by now? I’m always thinking.”
“And what’s going through your mind?”
I let out a sigh. “I thought it would be about the intensity. Or the… experience of it.”
“And instead?”
I met his eyes. “It was about you.” The words came out more simply than I expected. “I trusted you.”
Stefan didn’t look away, and I studied him for a moment.
“What you gave me tonight? I think I needed that.”
What I couldn’t tell him was what else I’d learned.
I need you.
He shifted across and kissed my forehead. “Sleep.”
I closed my eyes, shutting out the sight of him, and instantly I was back there, cuffed to that bench, Stefan’s flogger landing on my skin, sending me somewhere I hadn’t expected.
To a place I now wanted to revisit.
With him.