Chapter 6
6
Belle shivered as they stepped from the warmth of the barn with its music and twinkling lights into the fresh May evening. She wrapped her pashmina tighter round her shoulders as she tried to keep up with Gem, watching her footing as she crossed the gravelled terrace in her heels.
They caught up with Laurie in the shadows next to the box hedge. Her black hair was outlined by the purple-pink hues of the dusky sky.
She turned to them with tears streaking her face. ‘I didn’t mean to snap at you back then, it’s just…’ She rounded on Gem. ‘ You speak without thinking. You always do.’
‘Oh, well, sorry if I’m not bloody perfect like you.’
Laurie gaped at her like she’d been slapped in the face. ‘There you go again, proving my point.’
‘Hey, you two.’ Belle held out her hands and glanced behind them at the courtyard terrace filled with wedding guests. ‘That’s enough. Remember where we are.’
Gem folded her arms and took a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. And inside before, I spoke without thinking. I just assumed.’ She gestured clumsily towards Laurie’s stomach and Belle winced again. ‘You’ve talked so much about wanting children… What’s going on, Laurie? You can tell us.’
‘I’ve wanted to, it’s just difficult because I’m not pregnant.’ Her jaw tightened as she cast a glance between Gem and Belle. ‘And it’s highly unlikely I’ll get pregnant naturally as I’ve been diagnosed with a low ovarian reserve. The more time that passes and the further away the chance of me getting pregnant gets, the harder I’m finding it to talk about, because it upsets me so much.’ She shook her hand in front of herself. ‘Leaves me an emotional mess particularly at times like this when I remember our hopes and dreams on our own wedding day.’
‘Oh Laurie, that’s hard when I know how much you want a baby.’ Belle delved into her clutch and handed her a tissue. She’d known something was wrong, so why hadn’t she asked the difficult question before Laurie was forced into this situation? Actually, there was nothing hard about asking ‘how are you really?’ She’d held back because she hadn’t wanted to deal with someone else’s disappointment and stress when she’d been dealing with her own worries. Some friend she’d been. ‘What about fertility treatment? Is that an option?’
‘We did our first cycle of IVF at the end of last year.’ Laurie dabbed her damp cheeks with the tissue. ‘Obviously it wasn’t successful.’
Belle tried not to show her shock that Laurie had been through something like that without telling them, but Gem’s reaction was less subtle.
Her eyes widened. ‘Bloody hell, Laurie. How on earth have you not said anything?’
‘It wasn’t intentional. Honestly, after more than three years of trying I felt like a failure. And there was so much to deal with juggling appointments and injections around work and everything. I was hoping for a good outcome and then I’d have been able to let you know the happy news. I didn’t want to have to share our disappointment.’
‘It didn’t work at all?’ Belle asked softly. ‘As in, you didn’t get pregnant?’
Laurie shook her head. ‘Four eggs were fertilised and two were transferred, but neither stuck.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ Belle hugged her.
‘Me too.’ Gem wrapped her arms around them both. ‘And you’re not a failure. You’re going to try again, right?’
‘I actually started the stimulation injections a couple of days ago, so yes, we’re trying again.’
Belle squeezed her tighter. ‘Oh Laurie, that’s great, so there’s hope.’
‘That’s all I’ve got,’ Laurie said sadly as they let go of each other.
A waiter with a tray of drinks paused next to them, a sufficient distraction as Gem grabbed a glass of Prosecco and Laurie and Belle opted for elderflower. They left the shadows by the hedge and found a free table next to the stone fountain at the centre of the courtyard.
‘Please keep it to yourselves,’ Laurie said quietly once they’d sat down. ‘The only other people who know are our parents and I wish I’d never told mine. Mum’s doing my head in offering advice like I haven’t already tried everything and phoning every day asking how it’s going, how I’m feeling. I know she’s only trying to help, but it’s a lot.’
‘So that’s the reason you didn’t stay with them last night,’ Belle said.
‘They don’t seem to understand that I want to talk about anything else, rather than focus on something that’s out of my hands and down to a combination of science and luck.’
Belle completely understood Laurie’s reluctance to talk about the thing in her life that was upsetting her the most, so she took the hint and led the conversation in a different direction.
It was a beautiful early summer evening, the clear sky speckled with stars. Light spilled from the barn and dance music filtered out through the large open doors, a reminder of happy times. Not that Belle was desperately unhappy, just lonely even while sitting with her best friends. Discontented was the perfect word to describe how she was feeling, exactly as she’d admitted to Hannah, but it wasn’t something she wanted to talk about with Laurie and Gem.
The music switched to Calvin Harris’s ‘I Need Your Love’ featuring Ellie Goulding, which immediately transported Belle back to Ibiza. It was funny how music did that; certain smells would too, vividly whisk her to an earlier time in her life.
‘Oh God, this song always reminds me of Ibiza.’ Gem’s look of longing was hard to miss.
‘That’s exactly what I was thinking.’ Belle looked between them both. ‘And it’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about for ages. This summer will mark ten years. We’ve got to have another holiday there together.’
‘Do we though?’ Gem picked up her Prosecco and took a gulp. ‘Maybe we should go somewhere completely different.’
Belle sat forward. ‘Oh come on, Gem. You loved Ibiza. You were the one who made us promise to have a ten-year reunion holiday, so I’m going to hold you to it.’
‘If you hadn’t noticed, my life is very different to what it was back then, because I have responsibilities and bloody…’ Gem trailed off and tried to hide her annoyance and sadness with another gulp of Prosecco.
Belle looked at Laurie. ‘I know you’ve just started IVF again, but what do you think?’
Laurie remained quiet for a moment, nursing her elderflower. ‘It depends on when and how things work out…’
Inside, Belle was screaming with frustration at their lack of enthusiasm, but she held her tongue. ‘I just think it will be good for us to all spend some proper time together because we so rarely do. Perhaps we could tentatively plan something for July.’
‘Yes, well, by then I’ll either be pregnant or disappointed.’
‘Oh God, I’m so sorry. And I didn’t want to upset you either, Gem.’ She felt as if she was walking a tightrope with them both. The music switched from the Ibiza dance tune to cheesy S Club 7 pop, but it was certainly less emotive. ‘I just thought you’d both jump at the chance and would be excited about a holiday together.’
‘Having a holiday without the kids would be amazing.’ Gem paused as if checking herself and Belle cringed on Laurie’s behalf. Her friends were polar opposites; one who was desperate for children, while the other couldn’t wait to get away from her nine- and four-year-old. Gem cleared her throat and continued. ‘But maybe we should go somewhere else. Is it really a good idea to return to the same place, to what? Try and recapture that time in our lives? We’re not twenty-one with no responsibilities any longer. At least I’m not. I would definitely love to go away, just somewhere different.’
‘I understand that, I really do,’ Belle said while focusing on the flickering light from the candle playing across her friends’ faces. ‘It’s just there’s another reason we should have a holiday in Ibiza, something I’ve been waiting to tell you all week. Two things actually.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Last month I handed my notice in at work, then at the beginning of this week I accepted a job out in Ibiza. I’m moving there next week, only for the summer season, but?—’
‘Are you shitting me?’ Gem shook her head.
Belle froze, hyper aware of the other guests, Gem’s outburst out of kilter with the genteel English setting of the courtyard with the soft tinkle of water from the fountain and the pink and white roses climbing the stone walls.
‘I know you keep your personal life off social media, but how could you not tell us about news this big!’ Gem looked at Belle incredulously, then at Laurie. ‘You didn’t know about this either?’
‘Not a clue.’ Laurie turned to Belle. ‘Why didn’t you tell us?’
‘I literally only found out about the position in Ibiza a few days ago, and as for quitting my job, I didn’t want you to talk me out of it.’
‘Because you know it’s a risk?’ Gem shook her head again. ‘I don’t understand. You’re absolutely killing it at work. Why throw it all away?’
‘I’m not throwing it away. I’m moving on to a slightly different role with new opportunities.’
Laurie frowned. ‘But you said it’s for the summer so only a temporary position?’
‘It is, but it allows me to focus on what I want to do. I couldn’t do that at Tockbeth Hall.’ Belle hated having to defend her decision, particularly when she’d already questioned it enough herself. ‘The truth is, I don’t want to work with Isaac any longer and life had just become so… vanilla.’
Gem snorted and her face darkened. She placed her glass on the table with a thump. ‘ Your life is vanilla? Try being me. All I have is the same bloody routine day in, day out and it’s utterly soul destroying.’
‘I get it,’ Belle said gently while attempting to bury her dismay at Gem’s reaction.
‘No, you don’t.’ Gem’s face was stony, her lips pursed tight.
‘Fine, maybe it was the wrong choice of words. We’re all in different places in our lives, dealing with different things. What I’m doing is what I think is right for me right now. Obviously it’s hard to explain without sounding as if I’m moaning about my lot?—’
‘You’re not moaning,’ Laurie said firmly. ‘This is exciting news, you absolutely should be free to share it and not have to justify yourself.’
‘Hmm,’ Gem huffed.
‘Well, I’m thrilled for you.’ Laurie shot Gem a warning look and turned back to Belle. ‘Perhaps it’ll be a chance to reconnect with a certain Spanish someone.’
A rush of sadness enveloped Belle. She really had nothing to complain about and yet she couldn’t shake the feeling of discontentment, disappointment and failure that had slowly grown over the years. She continuously felt as if she was chasing something, never satisfied or completely happy, even when life seemed good.
Suddenly on the verge of tears and desperate to be on her own, she stood up. Not wanting them to see her cry, she paced away from the table, heading down the steps that led from the courtyard and into the Tudor knot garden with its neat box hedges and sculpted yew trees.
Laurie had hit a nerve with her ‘a certain Spanish someone’ comment. Ten years on, Belle was still holding on to an impossible dream, afraid of commitment and failing to move on from the perfect image she had of her ideal man – as unattainable as it was unrealistic. Maybe returning to the place where her last carefree memories were before the accident happened would be a mistake, but not facing up to things or reconciling her feelings about that intensely passionate week in Ibiza followed by a disastrous start in London had definitely been one.
The shadowed herbaceous border was packed with perennials and dotted with occasional solar lights that guided the way. The scent wasn’t as sweet as it had been during the day when a purple and cream carpet of flowers had attracted bees and butterflies in the sunshine – a joyful reminder of summer, which redirected her thoughts to their Ibiza holiday. Laurie’s words swirled in her head. Of course attempting to reconnect with Diego had been on her mind when she’d accepted the job. No man had lived up to him, and she was torn by the idea of revisiting a summer fling when she’d fantasised about it being so much more. It wasn’t the job in Ibiza she was worried about but the thought of going back somewhere and it not living up to expectations. Gem had been right about that.
Belle reached the stone steps that led to the lake. The blanket of darkness stopped her from going any further. The wedding photos had been taken here earlier in the day, but now the lake looked vast and dark with only the moonlight pooling on the glassy surface. Belle shivered and couldn’t help but think that swapping London for a summer in Ibiza would only be a good thing despite her reasons for escaping not being as straightforward as she was admitting.
Footsteps made her turn. Gem and Laurie were silhouetted by the inviting glow from the courtyard beyond the garden.
‘I’m sorry.’ Gem hugged her. ‘I am happy for you, it’s just my own shit I’m dealing with. I don’t think you realise how lucky you are and how good your life is. I was surprised, that’s all.’
‘Everything’s imploded since splitting up with Isaac and I’ve felt this desperate need to shake up my life and do something different. Like there’s this spotlight highlighting all the negatives. I imagine it’s similar to how you feel about being a mum and juggling that side of things with your plans?—’
‘The plans I once had, you mean.’
Laurie stepped closer, positioning herself between Belle and Gem. ‘Belle was right before about us all feeling the stress of life in different ways. Even if we think each of us is doing okay, we don’t really know what’s going on beneath the surface, particularly if we’re not honest with each other. I’m guilty of that by keeping my own struggles to myself. And Gem, just because you have children and exactly what I want doesn’t give me the right to shut you down when you’re complaining about your kids being a burden?—’
‘They’re not a burden,’ Gem cut in, ‘I love my kids, it’s just…’
Laurie hooked her arm in Gem’s. ‘I know, life’s not perfect, for any of us. That’s my point.’ She slid her other arm into Belle’s. ‘So I think we should have our reunion holiday and go back to Ibiza as we promised.’
Gem sighed. ‘It’s hardly a reunion holiday when Belle will be flipping living there.’
‘It can be. It will be.’ Belle took Gem’s hand and closed the circle. ‘We don’t want weddings to be the only time we see each other. I’m going to be on Ibiza anyway, working my socks off proving myself in a new job and not knowing anyone. It would be lovely to have you two coming out to look forward to.’
‘As I said before, you can always look up Diego.’ Laurie’s eyes sparkled in the moonlight as she squeezed Belle’s arm. Gem’s hand momentarily tightened in Belle’s too.
‘The thought hadn’t crossed my mind,’ she said smoothly, while absolutely knowing it had consumed her for a lot longer than she cared to admit. ‘But it’s the job I’m moving for and the opportunity to focus on what I want to do. Spending a few months in Ibiza is the bonus. So what do you say?’ She looked between them. ‘We did make a promise. All you need to do is sort out flights; I’ll organise the accommodation.’
‘Someone is doing well.’ Gem’s smile didn’t completely hide the underlying animosity. ‘But yeah, I’m in if you are too, Laurie?’
‘If this IVF cycle works and I get pregnant then no, if it doesn’t…’ She shrugged.
‘Then it will be something good to take your mind off things,’ Gem said matter-of-factly.
Belle squeezed Laurie’s arm. ‘There’s every chance it will work because it’s bound to mess up our plans, and my God, will we be happy for you if that happens.’
With Laurie in the middle and their arms still hooked in each other’s, they strolled back towards the lights and music filling the fresh May evening. Unspoken tensions remained, and Belle was certain that all of them were still holding back on their true worries, stresses, desires and dreams, because it was certainly what she was doing. But a week away together in the summer, revisiting happier more carefree times, would allow them the chance to delve deeper and rebuild the friendship that had taken a battering due to distance, commitments, family, work and the ups and downs of everyday life.
Belle squeezed her friends’ arms tighter and thought, Ibiza, here we come!