Chapter 16
16
Belle sensed something had changed between her and Caleb since they’d chatted together before the outdoor movie; there was a new openness, certainly on his part. He’d always been relaxed and friendly, but he’d been surprisingly honest and had revealed a vulnerability that had moved her and also made her regret that she was withholding something from him when she knew of his relationship with Diego and he knew nothing about hers.
Friday came round, a late night in Ibiza with a DJ playing at Spirit, but 30 June was a date that was ringed in her diary with Laurie and a heart written next to it. After weeks of fertility treatment with injections, blood tests and scans, today was what Laurie had described as hell, the end of the two-week wait when she would find out if all the money, emotion, hope and worry they’d poured into the treatment would be successful or not. The wondering and torment of waiting to pee on a stick and discover if the future they envisaged would come true or not was happening today. It would also be the deciding factor as to whether she’d be coming out to Ibiza next month, and that left Belle torn, desperately wanting a positive outcome for her friend while selfishly thinking how disappointed she’d be if their holiday together didn’t happen when flights had already been booked and their accommodation sorted.
Belle had been thinking about Laurie all day, frequently checking her phone to see if she’d left a message. When her phone did eventually ring and Laurie’s name appeared, Belle’s heart slammed into her ribs. Maybe she was phoning late because she’d gone out with Ade to celebrate, or perhaps she’d put off phoning because the result hadn’t been what they’d wanted.
‘Hi, Laurie.’ Belle tried to sound natural but her voice was tight and her insides were twisted with anxiety as she curled up on the sofa in Cara’s apartment.
‘It was negative.’ Laurie’s tone was flat and neutral as if she’d already cried out all her disappointment and sadness.
‘Oh Laurie, I’m so sorry.’ What else could she say? Nothing would make the situation better. ‘I wish I was there to give you a hug.’
‘I wish you were here too. More than ever.’
A lump caught in Belle’s throat. While Belle’s move to London had got off to a traumatic start and Gem had ended up stuck and frustrated in Norfolk, it had been Laurie who’d silently struggled after her move to Manchester with Ade for his job. Belle loved city living and Gem would have moved to Manchester or London in a heartbeat, but Laurie was not a big-city type of person. The cracks showed when Laurie talked about Ade’s friends rather than hers, as if she hadn’t managed to make any of her own. They needed two incomes to pay rent and bills so she’d been forced to take a fill-in data-entry job at a recruitment company while she continued to look for her ideal job in a bookshop or theatre or arts-based environment. The trouble was, jobs like that didn’t pay well, so eventually Laurie had given up looking. Gem always made snide remarks about how lucky Laurie was but she never saw how dissatisfied she was or how much she’d given up to support Ade. But then Gem made out that her life was far happier and more perfect than it actually was, so why would she see past someone else’s veneer? They were all guilty of misleading each other by hiding their true emotions and feelings.
‘I knew our first IVF cycle hadn’t worked,’ Laurie said, bringing Belle back to the present, ‘but this time I was certain it had. I felt different and yet still nothing. It’s like my body’s playing tricks with me. Maybe getting my hopes up was a mistake. I didn’t believe we’d get lucky on the first go and that proved to be right. I don’t know why I went into this one with a more positive attitude, but I did. I’m massively regretting that now.’
‘Don’t let go of that positivity. I remember you telling me about a couple of women who didn’t even manage to have an egg fertilised. So getting this far twice is something. Just think how long it takes for some women who don’t have any fertility issues to get pregnant?—’
‘Unless of course you’re Gem,’ Laurie said bitterly.
‘What I’m trying to say – badly – is this outcome doesn’t mean there’s no chance.’ Belle paused. ‘Will you try again?’
‘I think we’ll manage one more round, yes.’
Belle stopped herself from saying ‘third time lucky’ because that was far from helpful when she knew there were no guarantees, and what element of luck there was didn’t mean it would go their way however many times they tried.
‘We’re going to take a break for a bit; we’ve done two cycles practically back-to-back and that’s been tough. Honestly, the hormones have played havoc with me and I just need some normality. A bit of time when I’m not continuously holding out hope for something.’
‘What you need is a holiday.’
‘Lucky I’ve got one lined up then,’ Laurie said with a hint of a smile in her voice. ‘Some time away is definitely needed; the stress we’ve put ourselves under…’
Did they need time away from each other? Belle was trying to read between the lines, sensing that Laurie was holding something back.
‘Ade could do with getting away too but he’s thrown himself into work, which always tends to be his coping mechanism. I don’t have that option with my job because it’s the last place I want to be.’
Yes, there was definitely underlying tension, although Belle would have been more surprised if they weren’t struggling in some way. Yet Laurie and Ade were the strongest couple she knew, happily together since they were nineteen. If they didn’t make it, what hope did anyone else have? What hope did she have of being in a relationship as perfect as theirs? On the outside. That’s what it always came down to; however perfect things appeared, no one really knew what anyone else was going through.
‘Well,’ Laurie said with a sigh. ‘There’s nothing to stop me coming to Ibiza any longer. If there’s a silver lining to any of this then it’s getting to see you.’
Laurie’s words filled Belle with joy, the flip side being yet more disappointment for her friend. She missed Laurie. Spending time together would help rekindle their friendship and bring them closer.
‘Have you told Gem yet?’ Belle asked.
‘No.’ Belle imagined her scrunching her button nose. ‘I’m not sure she’ll say the right thing and I don’t want to get upset. I’m already upset but I don’t want to be upset at her . I’ll message her tomorrow.’
That was the friendship that really needed fixing. All three of them had drifted away from each other and Belle missed the closeness they once had. She didn’t know if time together in Ibiza would help but at least it would be a start. And she needed to be a better friend, one who wasn’t so tied up in her own worries that she failed to see what was going on in her friends’ lives. Or worse, saw their troubles but chose to ignore them because it was easier. She needed to ask the difficult questions and give her support unconditionally.
‘I can talk to Gem first if you’d like?’ Belle suggested. ‘It’s about time I gave her a call.’
‘Really? Would you mind?’
‘Of course not.’
Laurie’s relief at not having to break her sad news to Gem was palpable as they said goodbye. Having children wasn’t something that Belle had spent much time thinking about; she needed to find love and be in a steady committed relationship before even thinking along those lines, but having a family was something Laurie had wanted for years.
Belle pocketed her keys, grabbed her phone and headed out to call Gem. She liked the vibe of the beach at night with the sound of the surf rushing onto the sand mixing with the chatter and upbeat music drifting from Spirit’s beachside restaurant and bars. The tables were packed and people were still by the pool which glowed aqua amid the warm lamplight and flickering candles.
How hard was it to phone someone she’d been friends with since they were children? She strolled away from Spirit down the beach towards where the Río de Santa Eulalia met the sea and clicked on Gem’s name before she could change her mind. She should have got the kids to bed by now; if she wanted to chat, she’d answer.
‘Hey, stranger.’
Belle bit back a retort that Gem was just as guilty for letting weeks go by since they’d last talked. ‘Hey, I’ve just spoken to Laurie; she did a pregnancy test earlier today.’
‘Ah shit,’ Gem said. ‘What was the outcome?’
‘It was negative; she’s understandably gutted.’
‘I bet she is. I’d totally forgotten it’d be round about now.’
‘She didn’t expect you to remember.’ Belle kicked off her shoes and enjoyed the feel of the sand between her toes as she wandered back towards Spirit.
‘But of course you did.’
‘Yes, I did,’ Belle said through gritted teeth. ‘But perhaps it’s better that I was the one she spoke to – less potential for conflict when that’s the last thing she needs at the moment.’
‘Yeah, because my life’s so perfect. She’s not the only one going through shit.’
‘She doesn’t think she is.’ Belle sat down on the sand on the quiet stretch between Spirit and the beach bar by the river. ‘But unless you talk to us and actually tell us what’s going on, how are we ever going to know any different?’
‘Dan’s left me.’
Belle’s heart dropped into her stomach. She wasn’t expecting that. ‘Oh shit, Gem. When did this happen?’
‘Weeks ago.’
Belle shook her head. ‘That’s why he wasn’t at the wedding? Why the hell didn’t you tell us then?’
‘It was my one night to myself; I didn’t want to ruin it with tears, although we managed plenty of that without me unloading my sob story as well.’ There was a hint of humour in her tone, the Gem of old filtering through. ‘We’re still figuring stuff out with the house, the kids. It was supposed to be a trial separation but considering he’s moved in with the woman he was cheating with, it seems pretty fucking over to me.’
‘Oh my goodness Gem, I’m so sorry.’
‘I really don’t need your pity.’
‘Me being concerned that you’re going through something like this is not pity.’
‘Yeah, well, it’s not like this will surprise you when it’s been a long time coming.’
Belle faltered, not knowing how to reply, because wasn’t that the truth? Gem and Dan should have split up years ago. It had been Gem’s intention to after their Ibiza holiday when she’d behaved like she was single, which would have been fine if she actually had been. Her heart hadn’t been in the relationship, and the only reason she’d stayed with him was because she’d found out she was pregnant. They’d remained together because their circumstances had changed with a baby neither of them had planned.
‘What a state, eh?’ Gem broke through Belle’s silence. ‘I’m home alone with a nine- and four-year-old because I’ve been dumped by their dad; Laurie’s crying her eyes out because she can’t get pregnant even with bloody help, and you’re off in Ibiza chasing fuck knows what.’
Belle sucked in a sharp breath of salt-tinged air. ‘I suggest you don’t answer if Laurie calls you tomorrow. If you need to scream and vent and blame everyone else for your problems, give me an earful, not Laurie.’
‘Yeah, yeah, I get it, Laurie’s fragile while I’m ballsy and can take all the shit thrown at me.’
‘That’s not what I’m saying at all, Gem.’ Belle’s eyes blurred as she watched the tips of the waves break, foam and bubble. ‘I hate that you’re so sad. I hate that every time I’ve spoken to you recently you’ve been angry and scared. I just wish you had some of Laurie’s vulnerability so you could open up and share your feelings instead of bottling everything up, putting on a brave face and blustering through by attacking everyone else.’
‘Yeah well, I’m definitely not like Laurie. And do me a favour when you next speak to her, please don’t say anything about me and Dan.’
‘Oh for goodness’ sake, Gem. Why the hell not?’
‘Because I’m a fucking failure and she has the perfect relationship.’
‘And you don’t want to tell her because, what? You think she’ll judge you? Look down on you? She is the kindest and most supportive friend – she’ll 100 per cent be in your corner, Gem.’
‘Maybe, but I’ll tell her in my own good time. Please promise me you won’t say anything.’
‘Fine, I won’t.’
Gem let out a long, shuddery breath. ‘Everything’s got to me today.’ The anger that had been coating her words dispersed. ‘I noticed this morning that Dan had updated his Facebook profile to “in a relationship” with her . It’s nothing, a meaningless status when we’ve been broken up for weeks. But it just upset me. It suddenly feels very real.’
‘Oh Gem, you need to go easy on yourself. You have two kids together. It’s bound to be hard and confusing. But I’m glad you felt like you could confide in me.’ Belle scraped her fingers through the cool grains of sand. ‘By the way, the flowers you sent Laurie the other week after her embryo transfer was a really thoughtful gesture. You don’t have to speak to her to show you care.’
‘I know.’ Gem sighed. ‘I’m sorry. Thank you for phoning. I don’t mean to snap and rage all the flipping time. And I’m gutted for Laurie, I really am. I’ll message her now.’
After saying goodbye to Gem, Belle remained on the beach for a while. Both of her friends’ upset had got to her, their disappointments out of kilter with how happy she should be sitting on a beach in Ibiza. The salty breeze dried her tears and left her cheeks feeling tight. She wrapped her arms around her legs and watched the moonlight dance on the inky sea where it rippled all the way to the horizon. Two different beats mingled from the beach bars on either side of her, a reminder of the past and the good times she’d shared with her friends.
The three of them had always worked and their differing personalities complemented each other. Yet Laurie was worried about talking to Gem and while Gem had confided in Belle, she didn’t want Laurie to know the truth about her and Dan. The three of them being together on Ibiza again was probably a bad idea, yet they all needed to face up to the reality of their lives and somehow attempt to mend their friendship.