Chapter 36
36
SEPTEMBER 2013, TEN YEARS AGO
Gem knew what the outcome would be without needing to do a pregnancy test, but she did one anyway.
Two lines that changed her future.
The nausea wasn’t because of food poisoning, her tender breasts weren’t because her period was due, last month’s spotting wasn’t just an abnormally light period. She was pregnant. She was fucking pregnant. And of all the places in the world to find out, she was in a dimly lit hole of a skanky bathroom in Thailand.
After returning from Ibiza, Gem had just a couple of weeks back home before she was off again with summer clothes, flip-flops, mozzie spray and sunscreen squeezed into a backpack. She’d met Cerys, her best friend from uni, at Gatwick airport, their excitement bubbling over as they’d embraced each other.
During their first two weeks island hopping in Greece, Gem had had a niggling worry and had bought a pregnancy test on the last day before they flew to Thailand. And then, swept up in everything, she’d kept putting off taking the test, reasoning the way she felt was down to the food, the heat, the mosquito bites. She’d tried to behave normally, drinking, partying, sunbathing, sleeping in late, but the thought of alcohol made her nauseous, and she constantly felt tired and irritated by the attention of too many drunk blokes. Lounging on the beach was fine but at night she was restless and would lie awake in the morning worrying while Cerys continued to sleep like a baby in the bed next to her.
Like a baby.
This could not be happening.
Still holding the test in her clammy hands, Gem shut the door on the rank bathroom and sat down with a thump on the end of her bed in their compact and basic beach bungalow.
She tried to work out the dates and kept coming back to the same conclusion. There was a chance that it could be Dan’s, but it was unlikely. That night in Ibiza with Diego, she’d been crazy drunk by the time they’d wound up in bed together; he’d been far from sober too. She’d felt invincible and impassioned and so wrapped up in him that it had been hard to think straight. That night had been everything; he’d saved her, delighted and consumed her, and had given her the best night of her life before they’d even got back to his room. She hadn’t asked him to wear a condom and she sure as hell couldn’t remember him mentioning it either or pausing to put one on. They’d been foolish and reckless. But she’d never had a night with Dan like she’d had with Diego; she’d never felt that free and passionate or so goddam wonderful. One fucking euphoric night that would haunt her for the rest of her life.
Maybe she’d miscarry. The moment the thought entered her head she regretted it. That was an awful thing to hope for, and yet this was so far from what she wanted. One night was all it had taken because she was always so careful with Dan, while with Diego… Gem rested her elbows on her bare knees and stared at the pregnancy test clutched in her hand. The beach bungalow was stifling, the fan in the centre of the ceiling barely moving, and there wasn’t a breath of wind filtering in through the open door. Sweat trickled down the side of her face. The dark wood walls were oppressive and gave the feeling of being trapped, accentuating the tightening fear in her chest that being pregnant was effectively a prison sentence.
Gem stuffed the positive test into the front pocket of her backpack and headed to the door. The bungalow was cheap and functional, just a place to sleep with a much-to-be-desired bathroom, but at least she and Cerys weren’t having to share it with anyone else. Cerys had booked their accommodation in Greece and Thailand, while Gem had sorted out the Australian leg. Gem had suggested they stayed near Patong Beach and had hoped that they’d be somewhere where they could lounge on the beach during the day and party at night, but Cerys had opted for much cheaper accommodation further up the coast. Gem had not been impressed by the distance to get anywhere, let alone where they had to sleep. Cerys had exceeded herself with the location though, because once Gem stepped outside the depressing bungalow onto silky, caramel-coloured sand, it was enough to soothe away her annoyance, worries and fear, even if temporarily. Backed by rainforest, the beach was studded with boulders that made perfect spots for sitting with a drink to watch the sun go down. Depending on the time of day, the sea changed from emerald-green to turquoise, the shallows clear and warm – a true backpacker’s dream.
Cerys was lying further down the beach sunning herself. They’d been friends since the start of university, hitting it off straight away, and their six-month backpacking trip had long been in the making; they’d been saving for the last eighteen months. Gem should tell her, but she didn’t want to, not yet. This was her time, her chance for the last bit of fun before real life and focusing on her career would begin, although that was now suddenly and scarily in question. Maybe she should cut her travelling short, go home and get a termination. She gulped back a sob. This wasn’t a decision she could rush. Although scared, she was determined to push the reality of her situation to the back of her mind. She stretched, reaching her hands towards the sultry blue sky, and relished the heat of the sun on her bare shoulders. She could pretend that her life hadn’t just turned to shit for a little while longer, plus she needed time… Time to decide what to do and who to tell. Dan or Diego. Her easy carefree life had just got complicated.