Chapter 35
35
Back in her apartment, Belle swapped her dress for shorts and a top thrown over a bikini. If her head and heart had been twisted with conflicting emotions the evening before, then everything had been turned upside down this morning. She hadn’t trusted herself to say anything when Caleb had dropped her off. The idea that she was even entertaining the possibility of her and Caleb was tricky. Wasn’t getting involved with someone she worked with exactly what she’d sworn herself off?
But the way she felt when around him, she’d never felt anything like it, and that scared and thrilled her because it was more than just wanting to be with him physically. She’d seen the desire in his eyes in the pool and wondered if he’d been thinking about sleeping with her. And the way he’d shot out of there as if he’d been stung. She hadn’t intended to be provocative, but she’d been well aware of the impact that getting into the pool dressed in a white T-shirt would have. Although he was the one who’d suggested it. They were toying with each other, neither of them ready or willing to make a move for fear of what? It wasn’t rejection. Deep down she knew it was through fear of where it would lead, what it would mean and the feelings that would be stirred.
Belle hadn’t heard from either Laurie or Gem since she’d messaged Laurie the night before. Their room was empty but the doors were open and she could hear them talking on the poolside deck.
She took a deep breath and joined them.
Gem glanced over her shoulder and lowered her sunglasses. ‘Ah, you’re back. Laurie said you spent the night with Caleb.’
Laurie, lying on the next beanbag lounger, shook her head. ‘That’s not what I said, Gem.’
Belle sat on the end of the third lounger. ‘I stayed in Caleb’s guest room and we talked a lot, that’s all. If his wife had lived, yesterday would have been his tenth wedding anniversary, so for you to insinuate that anything else happened…’ Belle shook her head at Gem.
There was no way she could put into words the emotions of the night before and the events of this morning without it sounding more than it was.
‘Poor bloke,’ Laurie said. ‘I can’t even begin to imagine what he must have gone through.’
‘He needed a friend and someone to talk to, that was all. I’m sure the end of my night was less eventful than yours,’ Belle said somewhat truthfully, eager to move the conversation away from Caleb. ‘How was the rest of the Ushua?a party?’
‘We missed you,’ Laurie said, ‘but we danced till our feet ached and, unlike clubbing in Ibiza ten years ago, I can actually remember everything about the night, which is rather refreshing.’
Belle looked at Gem. ‘And did you speak to Diego?’
‘He was too busy working.’ Gem wedged her sunglasses into her hair, her nostrils flaring. ‘Have you eaten?’
‘I had breakfast at Caleb’s.’
‘Well, I’m flipping starving.’ She scooped up her phone and stood up. ‘I’ll go get us a table at the restaurant; join me when you’re ready.’
As soon as she closed the sliding door to the room behind her, Belle turned to Laurie. ‘Someone doesn’t want to talk about him,’ she said under her breath.
‘She avoided him all evening.’ Laurie shrugged. ‘And it wasn’t that he was too busy, because a couple of times he attempted to come over. I don’t know if she’s feeling ashamed or just guilty, or what it is, but she was having none of it.’
‘She’s too pig-headed and stubborn for her own good.’
‘Or still feeling guilty about sleeping with him behind your back.’
‘I’ve forgiven her; I don’t want her to feel guilty for my sake. I’m over it. I’m over him.’
‘But don’t you see that’s part of the problem, the way you’ve risen above any pettiness or holding what she did against her. She’s jealous of not just how you look and the life you’ve built but because you’re a good, kind person. She’s always been envious of you.’
‘That’s not true, at least not when we were younger. I was the one who envied her, for her absolute confidence, how stunning she always looked, how effortlessly she could talk to anyone. We both did.’
‘And I still do,’ Laurie said sadly, ‘but for different reasons now, whereas you honestly have nothing to be jealous of any longer.’
Belle took Laurie’s hand. ‘All we seem to be doing is talking about me or bloody Gem. How are you coping?’
‘I’m doing okay. Being here is helping and it’s good to have something else to talk about with Ade. But I’m sad.’ Her fingers tightened in Belle’s. ‘I haven’t physically lost someone but it’s still a grieving process.’
‘You’ve lost what you hoped to have in your future; that’s a big thing to get over. It’ll take time. Just don’t give up.’
‘I won’t.’ Laurie paused and gazed towards the pool before turning back to Belle. ‘What really happened last night with Caleb?’
Belle had bottled up so many of her feelings before; was she really going to do it again? How could she expect Laurie or even Gem to share their innermost thoughts when she couldn’t reciprocate?
So, much like she had with Caleb the evening before, Belle opened up to Laurie about her last few weeks on Ibiza culminating in the morning with Caleb. She shared her confusion and uncertainty about whether she should entertain the idea of something happening with him.
Laurie listened intently, and when Belle finished she just smiled. ‘I knew straight away there was something between you. And I’m certain he has feelings for you as well.’
‘You don’t know him, Laurie.’
‘No, but I know you and he’d be mad to not fall for you.’
‘I didn’t say anything about him falling for me or vice versa.’
A soft smile graced her lips. ‘I’ve never seen you like this.’
Belle rubbed her fingers across her forehead and grimaced. ‘What, stressed?’
‘No, glowing.’ Laurie sat upright and took Belle’s hands. ‘You’ve never been afraid to be bold and do things even if they scare you – moving to London, coping on your own after the accident instead of running back home, building your career by taking risks and saying yes. Don’t let a chance at happiness pass you by because you’re scared to take a leap of faith and let someone into your heart. There’s always the potential for a relationship to go wrong, for your dreams to not work out, but that shouldn’t mean you give up on love or hope. Isn’t it better to take the chance and fail than fear the unknown and risk missing out on happiness?’ She scrambled up and pulled Belle to her feet. ‘Come on, we’d better go and join Gem so she doesn’t complain that we stood her up.’
It was lunchtime and Spirit’s restaurant was beginning to fill up. The place was alive with conversation and the bustle of the waiting staff bringing tapas to the tables. Gem was nowhere to be seen.
‘Where on earth has she gone?’ Laurie glanced around, then at her phone and frowned. ‘Let’s get a table and message her. I’m starving.’
‘She did seem off.’ Belle wandered to the edge of the terrace with Laurie. ‘Maybe she wanted to be alone?’
It was unlike Gem to go off without saying a word; if she was upset about something she’d let it show, as in-your-face with her negative feelings as her happiness was boisterous. Closing herself off concerned Belle, particularly when the recent revelations meant she’d been dealing with so much on her own. She had some mum friends and a couple of other old school friends in Norfolk, but did Gem actually talk to them? Belle was doubtful.
‘Over there, on the beach.’ Laurie pointed. ‘Is that her?’
Belle lifted her sunglasses and squinted, shading her eyes with her hand. Wearing a hot pink dress and with blonde hair tied up in a loose ponytail, it certainly looked like Gem, a hunched figure hugging her legs as she stared out to sea.
Belle sighed, knowing another emotional conversation was imminent. ‘I think so; why don’t you wait here and I’ll go talk to her.’
Laurie readily agreed. Belle didn’t blame her for being keen to escape any further drama. Gem was hard work at times and Laurie’s emotions were heightened, none of which was helped by the mess of hormones she was experiencing post-fertility treatment. Belle knew there was only so much Laurie could take of Gem moaning about her life, particularly her kids, even if she loved them more than anything in the world.
Belle reached Gem and sat in the sand next to her. Gem dropped her sunglasses over her eyes but not before Belle noticed she’d been crying.
‘Hey,’ Belle said softly. ‘You weren’t at the restaurant. We were worried about you. You okay?’
Gem glanced round. ‘Where’s Laurie?’
‘Getting us a table.’ Belle sat cross-legged, wishing she had a hat on in the unforgiving midday sun. ‘Do you want to talk?’
Gem’s arms tightened a fraction around her knees. Her pink dress was eye-catching and suited her perfectly, her manicured nails a paler bubble-gum pink. Her legs were smooth and tanned in a natural way though Belle knew it was from a bottle. On the outside she was the picture of perfection, but hidden truths were beginning to bubble over as if the cork was about to pop.
‘It was obvious you were upset when I got back, and I promise we don’t have to talk about Diego or Dan or anything else if you don’t want to. We can just sit and watch the?—’
‘I’m so fucking miserable, Belle.’ Gem’s words cut her off. ‘With everything. There’s nothing good in my life and the things that should be good, like the boys, just cause me stress through no fault of their own. It’s my own shit I need to deal with, but I don’t know what to do. Even here it’s like there’s a constant storm cloud over my head. I have this desperate need to enjoy myself, to make the most of time away from the kids, but it’s nothing like how it was ten years ago because everything has changed. My life is nothing remotely like it was.’
Belle gently touched Gem’s arm. ‘But you just said yourself there are good things, like your boys.’
‘I love them but I didn’t plan to be a mum. It feels like life’s passing me by and I have nothing to show for it beyond Jack and Oscar.’ She glanced sideways at Belle. ‘But stuff that I’ve actually done. There’s nada.’
‘But Oscar will be going to school in September, so you’ll have a bit more time to focus on yourself and what you want to do.’
‘Do you know how hard it is to find a decent job that fits around school hours?’ She scrambled to her feet and wiped her glowing forehead with the back of her hand. ‘And with Dan gone I’ll have even less support.’
‘What about your parents?’ Belle got to her feet too and scurried after Gem as she strode off down the beach away from Spirit.
‘They already help enough as it is. I was beginning to focus on how I could go about getting my interior design business up and running, fitting it in around the kids and part-time work, when Dan walked out.’
‘It’s only been a few months, Gem. Your life’s been turned upside down and you’ve been dealing with this all by yourself. I presume your parents know?’
‘Oh yes, they’re as disappointed in me as I expected.’
Belle frowned. ‘Your parents are the most supportive parents ever. There’s no way they feel like that about you. Sad because your relationship with Dan has broken down but not disappointed. Do you not think you’re projecting your own disappointment onto them?’
‘Yeah well, I feel utterly shit about myself so I wouldn’t be surprised.’ They reached the end of the beach where the mouth of the river met the sea. The bar on the corner was packed with people eating and drinking, the tables and chairs spilling out onto the sand. Gem paced past and onto the path that ran alongside the river, her fists clenched tightly, her knuckles white. ‘I had a plan and put pressure on myself to start working towards my dream then Dan goes and has an affair. He not only ended our relationship, but he also destroyed my ability to get myself out of the godawful situation I’m in.’
‘But you weren’t happy with Dan.’ Belle had to up her pace to catch up with Gem. ‘I know the timing sucks and maybe it’s not what you thought you wanted, at least while Oscar is still so young, but it’s done now and there’s a freedom that comes with that. A chance to start afresh however hard it is. You deserve to be happy, Gem.’
‘Being a single mum, trying to start a business, trying to keep the kids alive while focusing on myself – it’s utterly overwhelming.’
‘Okay, so forget about the big picture; why don’t we just focus on here and now. This week. We’ve got two days left together. What do you want to do? How can we make you feel better?’
‘I don’t know, that’s part of the problem. I’m wound up tight in here.’ She shoved her fist into the centre of her chest.
Belle didn’t know if it was a good idea or not to suggest it, but the worst that would happen would be for Gem to shoot her down. ‘You could always have a fling; help you move on from Dan. Make you feel better about yourself.’
Gem snorted and picked up the pace. The Río de Santa Eulalia to their left glinted in the sunlight. ‘That used to be my go-to fix but I’m older and wiser now and believe it or not, sex with some random stranger is not going to make me feel any better even for one night.’
‘What if it doesn’t have to be a stranger? What if it’s with someone you already know… Why don’t you talk to Diego?’
‘Stop.’ Gem ground to a halt next to the bridge that curved across the river. The shade of the trees in the park on the other side looked cool and enticing. ‘I honestly never expected to see Diego ever again and it’s brought back all these feelings and worries that I thought I’d laid to rest.’
Belle opened her mouth to say something but Gem cut her short.
‘I know you’re not angry about what happened and you’re a flipping saint for it even though I’m truly sorry and mortified. It’s actually seeing him again that’s got me in a state.’
‘Because you still like him?’ Belle said slowly.
‘Yes, but it’s more than just liking him.’ Gem breathed deeply and looked around as if gaining strength from the picturesque, sun-kissed surroundings. ‘It’s wishing I’d done things differently when I found out I was pregnant with Jack.’
‘I don’t understand. What’s any of that got to do with how you feel about Diego…?’ The second the words were out of her mouth, Belle knew, confirmed by the tearful look of sorrow on Gem’s face as she wedged her sunglasses in her hair.
‘It’s got everything to do with it because I don’t think Jack is Dan’s. I’m pretty certain Diego is actually his father.’