40. Marley
FORTY
MARLEY
Opening my eyes in the darkness of a cool room, I can hear murmuring coming from somewhere but can’t seem to orient myself with where I am or where it’s coming from. Then I feel that strange sensation again, and I’m in full flight mode. I sit up fast and swing my legs off the thin mattress, and then without warning, I puke. I look down to see a pair of hiking boots splattered with bits of undigested apple, and I’m immediately transported back to a pair of running shoes and a sexy-as-sin smirk in a Canadian forest.
“Lay back down, Mar.” It’s Naomi’s voice now. “The doctor thinks you’ve got a concussion.” Then it comes back, the puppy, the whistle, but most of all the intense fear that glued me to the spot.
Simon slips into the dark room followed by Connor, Kamira, and a man I don’t know. “Marley, this is Dr. Ayad.” I nod and let him do what he needs to do as I answer all his questions. After a few minutes, it’s just Simon and me.
“I’ve never seen you like that before,” Simon says, shaking his head. “You just froze and had this look on your face… It wa s like you were watching everything play out right before it did.”
“I was scared,” I say quietly.
Simon leans in. “Sorry?”
I swallow and look at the ceiling, I’m embarrassed to admit it, and saying it again is almost painful. “I was scared.”
“Who the hell wouldn’t be?”
“I’ve never been scared before, Simon.” I look at him, trying to share how much it freaks me out, just with my eyes.
“Maybe you have a reason to be scared now.” Simon shrugs. “I was never scared until I met Vincent. Don’t even get me started on what I go through every time I’m about to leave Ant for another trip.”
I glare at him. “Simon, this has nothing to do with a guy.”
“You were distracted, Marley. You were taking pictures and cooing at a fucking dog.” His sudden change in tone feels like a slap. “I have never seen you scared, and I have never seen you pay attention to a dog before. You asked where the dog was when I got to you. That was your main concern. Don’t tell me this guy you met has nothing to do with that.”
I don’t respond because I know he’s right. I know that every word that has come out of his mouth is the truth, but I’m not ready to admit it yet.
After a while, Simon leaves because we’re just sitting there in silence. We’ve never not talked to each other, and I hate it. I despise that I can’t admit to him that he’s right. I’m with two people who have made this life work while maintaining loving relationships, and somehow I think that they are the exception to the rule while I am very much the rule.
Nizam comes to sit with me and tells me the others have headed back out with Karima. She still has some things to show them and some people for them to talk to. I like Nizam—he’s a nice guy, and his stories are fascinating—but I still wish I was out there with the others. I ask if I can have my camera, and Nizam winces.
“It’s, um… Well, when you were blown back, it sort of smashed when it hit the ground.”
“Fuck,” I mutter. I only brought the one out with me because multiple cameras would have given me away as more than an average traveller.
“I’m sorry,” Nizam says quietly.
I reach out to rest my hand on his shoulder. “It’s not your fault, Nizam. Tell me about your family. I need a distraction.”
His face lights up. “Well, you met my cousin Ali and his wife. My mother and father live in Istanbul. We left Syria when I was ten. My father says he didn’t know what was going to happen, but he could tell something was going on and that it wasn’t going to be good. He’s a professor at Istanbul Technical University. My mother is a private language instructor.”
“Did she teach you English?”
He nods. “She did. I hated it when I was young.” He laughs. “But I guess she was right to make me learn it.”
“I wish I knew another language.” I pout. “We had to learn French in school, but all I know how to do is conjugate verbs, and if you tested me on it right now, I’d probably fail.”
“You know the basics in Arabic.”
“I think you should know hello, goodbye, thank you and please in the language of the place you’re going. But it definitely doesn’t mean you know a language. Even then, I have to refresh my memory before I arrive. I also have this irrational fear that if I say ‘please’ really well, someone will think I know the language and keep going. Then I’ll just be sitting there like a deer in the headlights.”
Nizam looks confused. “I don’t know this term?”
“Oh, like when a deer runs onto a road, it will be transfixed by a car’s headlights and kind of just freeze where it is.”
“Ah!”
“Keep telling me about your family.”
Nizam goes on to tell me he has two siblings, an older sister and younger brother. He lives with his brother and his wife. His sister is studying in the US, and he’s hoping to go visit her soon. He talks about his family like they are the sun and moon, and I’m slightly envious that I don’t have that. He asks me about my family, and I tell him we aren’t that close.
“Is it because your job scares them?”
“No, they don’t really care what I do, I don’t think. We’re just a family of independent people. It makes my job easier, actually, knowing that if something happens to me, people will be able to carry on like normal.”
If I took a picture of Nizam right now, I’d capture the most perfect image of shock. “I’m sorry, Marley, but I think that is the saddest thing I have ever heard.”
I laugh awkwardly. “Yeah, well, that’s life, right?”
“True. Life is often sad,” he concedes, “but”—his index finger pops up—“the love of others makes even the saddest things easier to get through.”
Well, fuck, talk about a gut punch. I can’t help but think about who I’ll have on my side when I’m truly sad about something. Do I really want to deal with something alone? I keep thinking about protecting others from something sad happening to me, but what happens when I’m the one having to cope? Apparently it just took a bomb blast, some harsh words from my oldest colleague, and this guy Nizam for me to have micro breakthroughs.
When Simon and the others get back, they tell me we have to stay the night. The one road we would be taking on the way back is considered hostile territory at the moment. Where is safe and where is not changes like the tides here. Dr. Ayad is relieved we’re staying so he can monitor me overnight. Naomi goes with Karima to sleep at her apartment, and the guys are set up in a room down the hall from me.
I meet Bennett in my dream again. This time I’m back on the trail near his home. The forest is so quiet except for the soft sound of a gentle breeze in the trees. Bennett is standing at the opening of the trail, smiling at me. He looks good standing there, his face dappled in sunlight. I start walking towards him.
“What took you so damn long, sweetheart?” he asks when I finally reach him.
“I was scared,” I say, not daring to reach out first.
“Was?” he asks.
I bite my lip and nod, and he finally reaches for me. He takes my face gently in his hands and brings his lips to mine. But just as I expect them to meet, he sticks his tongue out and licks from my chin to my forehead.
“Oh my god, Bennett,” I gasp, batting at him.
Laughter fills my head as the licking continues. My hands finally make contact with something soft and wiggly, and my eyes fly open. Two thoughts hit me at once: I was dreaming and Bennett definitely didn’t lick me, and I am no longer dreaming and there is a puppy going to town on my face. A little brown-and-black puppy with one white paw to be precise.
Everyone, including Dr. Ayad, is crowded in the room as I slowly sit up and take in the scene. I reach for the little ball of fluff and pull him into my chest. I join in on the laughter as his licks tickle my neck. But my laughter quickly turns to sobs, and soon I’ve got my face buried in the little guy’s fur.
“Is crying a symptom of a concussion, Doctor?” Connor asks.
“Not typically,” he whispers back. “But extreme emotional reactions are associated with trauma and exhaustion. Also extreme joy. It’s hard to say which she’s experiencing right now. ”
Honestly, I couldn’t tell you. I am relieved that this guy is okay. I’m sad because I want to be waking up with Bennett and not a room full of people who aren’t him, and I’m afraid of what comes next.
The puppy is trying to wiggle out of my arms, so I let him go and look up at everyone, pulling myself together. Dr. Ayad hands me a tissue and then several more when he realizes one certainly won’t be enough. I look at the puppy who is covered in my snot, and I’m reminded of how I did that to one of Bennett’s shirts. A couple more tears trickle down my face at the thought. I don’t understand how I can miss him so much and how I’ve managed to keep that so far buried for so long and how all of that’s coming out now.
I look down at the puppy and then back up at everyone. “How did you find him?”
“I took the memory card out of your camera, and then we walked around showing people a picture of him,” Naomi says, holding her own camera up. “There was a lot of pointing and some swearing. Apparently, he’s quite a little menace.”
“We found him yesterday afternoon,” Connor says. “Then Karima and Simon took him to a vet. He’s been microchipped and vaccinated. We’re just waiting for the documents that will allow him to travel to Turkey.”
I don’t say anything. I just sit there staring at them.
“Is she alright?” Nizam asks, leaning forward and waving a hand in front of my face.
“She looks like she’s in shock,” Connor says.
“She’s processing,” Simon says firmly. “Sometimes her brain needs a minute to catch up.”
That snaps me out of it, and I give him a dirty look. “I don’t know why you just told me all of that.”
“Well, we assumed you’d want to take this guy home at some point. ”
“Why would you assume that?” I’ve caught Simon off guard. “Did I say I wanted to?” Everyone is quiet and looking around at each other. “I can’t just take a dog home, Simon. I’m not there half the time. What the fuck am I going to do with a dog?”
Simon just stares at me. Then he nods once. “Right.” He turns and walks out.
They’re all still staring at me so I look down at the puppy to avoid their eyes. This is a case of first saying thank you, what a thoughtful thing you did for me and then finding a way to fix everything after the fact. As I sit there staring at the pup, I realize that everything that happened between the blast and going to sleep last night has led to this moment. Simon and the others tracked down a street dog, got it vetted, and started the paperwork so that I could potentially give it a better life in Canada. And not just in Canada, but obviously with Bennett. That is ultimately what Simon is directing me to do, to take this dog on bended knee back to the man who consumes most of my thoughts these days. To make the most of the time I have to make things right with the people I care about most. To give me the chance to find the kind of love and joy that Simon got, even if it’s only for a short time.
“I am the worst,” I moan, burying my face in my hands.
“Well, you aren’t the best right now,” Naomi agrees tactfully. “But there are still worse people.”
“That bugger had us traipsing around this town practically begging people to help us find that damn dog, Marley,” Connor says. “I don’t even like dogs.”
I look up at him. “Who doesn’t like dogs?”
“I don’t.”
“How didn’t we know that?” Naomi asks, clearly as shocked as I am .
“Because of this exact scenario. You’re all looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.”
“Haven’t you, though?” I ask.
“I’m going to find Simon.” He turns and leaves.
“Marley?” Dr. Ayad says. “I’m going to bring you some breakfast. No allergies, right?”
I shake my head. “No. Thank you.”
Naomi sits down beside me, and the puppy jumps up at her lap. His entire body wiggles with the force of his tail. “He’s damn cute,” she says, scratching behind both ears. “Will you really leave him behind?”
I look from her to the dog and back again. “No, probably not.”
“Why do I feel like there is more to this story?”
“Because there is, and there isn’t.” I throw my hands up. “I don’t know. I feel like everyone around me is turning into Yoda but with better grammar.”
“You’re too young to give up on your dreams,” Naomi says as though she didn’t hear me. “You’re also too young to write off loving someone or being loved by someone. I think Bennett is your other half, but you’re afraid of the adjustments you’ll have to make in order to fit together.”
I think of the ways Bennett and I fit together and all the ways that would require adjustments. It wouldn’t require much—more so on my side than his. Assuming that he even feels anything near what I feel. I’m suddenly regretting never truly reaching out after I left; that stupid note I included with his sweatshirt doesn’t count. Who would want to allow someone like me to fit into their life?
“I can see all the arguments playing out across your face, Marley.” Naomi bumps her shoulder into mine. “All the what-ifs that end with you being alone and sad.”
“Everyone disregards what-ifs as though they’re unique. But I know you thought about them too with Petro. I know we all think about them the minute we step foot back on a plane.”
“Yeah, but those are all the negative what-ifs. Let’s ask the positive what-ifs for a change, shall we? What if Bennett feels the same way as you? What if he’s waiting for you? What if he dreams about you as often as you dream of him? What if he’s the one?”
I can add it to the list. What if I never sprained my ankle? What if he hadn’t been out with the dogs? What if he’d never been injured? What if the road hadn’t been out? What if I’d been closer to the explosion yesterday?
“Take the dog home to Bennett. Be honest with him and yourself, and open yourself up to the possibility of being something more than this.” She holds up her camera. “You’re a phenomenal photographer, my friend, but I guarantee with love in your life you’ll only get better.” I don’t exactly know what she means by that, but I’ll have to take her word for it right now.
I nod. “Okay.”
“Good. Now go find Simon. You owe him one hell of an apology,” She’s not wrong, I do owe him that.
“Am I even allowed to go wandering off?”
“Apparently you can if you go slowly. You’ve got a minor concussion, so if you get lightheaded, sit down immediately. The doctor doesn’t want you to leave the building, though. Simon’s up one flight of stairs so it should be alright.”
I nod and rise slowly. “Wish me luck.” I say, hoping I don’t need it.