Chapter 15 #2
Her voice was suffused with emotion, her eyes glistening while filling with tears, and he could not help admiring her even more, falling in love with her even more, while the painful icy claw tore deeply within his chest.
“I understand my proposal means desolation and unhappiness for you, but please do not assume it is the same for me, Miss Bennet,” he replied, struggling to breathe.
“Is it not, Mr Darcy? Pray tell me, if you had not received the letter from your aunt, if you had not discovered those ridiculous rumours, would you be making this sudden marriage proposal?”
He averted his eyes. He wanted to refute this, to deny it, but he knew he could not dismiss the truth.
Without Wickham’s demise, despite his growing feelings and no matter that he knew them to be much more than infatuation, he would have left for London.
“No…” he admitted honestly. “Not now,” he whispered, barely audibly.
Their eyes met again and this time locked and held.
“As little as we know each other, Mr Darcy, I hope you know I could not accept a marriage proposal which was not meant to be.”
“I feared this might be your answer, Miss Bennet.”
“Feared, sir? You should be relieved! You have acted more honourably than most men in your position would have, but there is no need for further anguish. I am happy to restore your peace of mind and your tranquillity one more time.”
She tried to smile, hoping to hear a light hearted response from him and perhaps a smile too. But his expression betrayed even more dejection.
“I accept your answer, and I shall not insist any further, Miss Bennet. I admire you even more for your strength to follow your heart. Please rest assured I shall not trouble you further, and this conversation will remain a secret between the three of us.”
“Thank you. I am glad we have reached a proper understanding so soon.”
“However, in order for our understanding to be complete, I must be allowed to state once again that, although my proposal was induced by peculiar circumstances, it was no less made from the heart, with the best intentions and genuine hopes of being accepted. I never felt trapped or condemned to unhappiness — indeed, I imagined the opposite, and I was willing to put every effort into improving your poor opinion of me and proving to you that living by my side would not be as detestable as it sounds to you at present.”
Elizabeth’s astonishment was now complete. His last statement left her bewildered. Speechless once more, she looked at him as though she was seeing him for the first time.
Her silence troubled him even more, so he concluded, “Please do not take my confession as an attempt to force your hand and change your answer. I accept and respect your decision, but I do not wish my proposal to appear less than it was. You declared it was not meant to be, but that does not make it any less significant — at least for me. Now, please excuse me. I shall not bother you with my presence any longer.”
His voice was gruff again with emotions, and it only increased Elizabeth’s internal agitation.
She could not trust her judgment in that moment to comprehend the true meaning of his words, so she chose not to dwell on them.
However, she could not separate from him without proper answers, and, more than that, with an erroneous idea of her opinion of him.
As he attempted to stand up, she stretched out her hand and lightly touched his arm.
“Mr Darcy, please, if you will allow me a moment longer. It appears we are further from an understanding than I earlier assumed.”
He reluctantly resumed his place and she continued.
“You keep mentioning my ill opinion of you, but that has long gone and I hoped we had already established that. I hoped we had become friends and that we can trust each other — and this is why I spoke freely. I did not mean that marriage to you would mean desolation and unhappiness for me — and I apologise if my poorly chosen words led you to think that was my meaning! What I meant was that a marriage forced by malicious gossip, induced by guilt and gratitude between two people who barely know each other, could become a cage of unhappiness and might easily lead to a miserable life. I would not want for you to resent me later or for me to resent you. Clearly, you cannot disagree with that.”
“Indeed, I cannot.”
“I am pleased that you understand me. Please do not assume that your proposal was meaningless to me. However, I admit that not for a moment have I considered accepting it. I have never seen any evidence to suggest such interest on your part. And I have barely begun to know you. From what I know, I find nothing wanting in you as a gentleman. It might be enough to consider you a valuable acquaintance, a friend, but too little for true feelings. And I cannot think of marriage — to anyone — without being certain there is affection, respect, and admiration.”
He watched her closely as she spoke warmly, willing him to understand while he was fighting the temptation to reveal more of his feelings and of his agony. But more would have been too much, too soon. Her genuine justification indicated that insisting would be an intrusion.
“You are an extraordinary woman, Miss Bennet — and I am a complete fool,” he said.
“I am not certain I understand your meaning, sir, but I disagree with both your statements. I hope we shall eventually reach an agreement on something…” she made another attempt to lighten the tension. “Although it is very unlikely, considering you will leave soon.”
“Yes, I shall leave soon…” he repeated, thoughtful.
“Miss Bennet, I believe there is something we could agree on and might end any misunderstanding between us.”
“Is there? If so, I would like to hear it.”
“Since you declared this proposal was not meant to be, could we agree on pretending it never was?”
His question baffled her, and his intense stare made her flustered. She felt her cheeks burning, while he added, “No marriage proposal, no answer to it, only a discussion between friends. Would you agree with this proposal, Miss Bennet?”
Their eyes locked again, tentative smiles reaching them, sharing a glimpse of mirth, shadows dissipated by relief. He had found the proper path to take their friendship further.
“Very much so, Mr Darcy!” she replied heartily. “Now, please excuse me, I shall go and fetch my father. And…”
“Yes, Miss Bennet?”
“Perhaps further opportunities for future agreements will arise.”
“I hope they will, Miss Bennet, if you wish them to,” he replied with a brighter expression on his face.
“Very much so, Mr Darcy,” she repeated her earlier statement, giving it even deeper meaning. It was another understanding they had reached — implied more than explicit but equally powerful.