Chapter 17 #3
“My deal with the DEA.” He took a breath.
None of this was Kenzie’s fault. “The fewer people who know I’m an informant, the safer everyone is.
If they find out I violated our agreement, the whole deal could be scrapped.
I’d go to prison. If I survived that long.
” He leaned forward, elbows on his knees.
“And if Magras ever found out about Charlotte, he’d use her. He’d leverage her against me.”
Understanding dawned in Kenzie’s eyes. “So you let Noah think you’re just a…a—”
“Deadbeat. Wastrel—he called me once. A useless lump taking up space.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t think that.”
Jaz shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. It’s safer this way.”
“And now she’s his, right?” Kenzie obviously knew already. When he didn’t respond, she said, “Noah proposed the day of the court hearing.”
His brother had proposed? He was getting married?
Jaz should’ve known that, would’ve, if he ever answered his brother’s calls. He just…he couldn’t talk to him. He couldn’t bear it.
Jaz didn’t want to think about his brother or the hearing he hadn’t shown up to.
He had the adoption paperwork, hidden in a safe deposit box on St. Barts, but he’d barely looked at it.
He’d ruined his first family when he’d caused his father’s death.
Then he’d ruined his second chance at a family, his own child, the greatest gift he’d ever been given.
How could anybody love someone like him?
Kenzie didn’t press, just gave him time to gather himself.
“Noah’s like our dad,” Jaz said after a minute. “He’ll be a great father. He is a great father. And Delaney seems like she was born to care for children.”
Kenzie smiled. “That’s a good description. When I was a kid, I thought she was a smidge bossy, but…yeah, she loves big. She adores Charlotte.”
Jaz nodded, letting himself sit with that for a moment.
He’d seen Delaney with his daughter, back when she was just the nanny.
The woman had risked her life to save his child.
Because of her, Charlotte was safe. She was loved.
She had two parents—or would as soon as they married—who would put her first, who would be there for school plays and scraped knees and birthday parties and breakfasts and lunches and dinners.
They could give her everything he couldn’t.
“I’ve been trying to fix it all,” he said.
“Trying to take down El Fantasma so I could finally be free, finally be honest, finally be…” Be himself, but the longer this went on, the further away he felt from the Jasper Aylett his parents had raised.
He’d lost the man he was meant to be a long time before.
“The deeper I go, the worse it gets. The more people get hurt.”
Like Laguerre, who could’ve been killed. And Kenzie, hunted and afraid. Five years consumed by this mission, and he was no closer to ending it than when he’d begun.
Except that wasn’t true today. He was close to the end. He just didn’t know if it would end in triumph or tragedy.
“I’m done,” he said quietly. “Done trying to manage this carefully. Done playing the long game.” He looked at her. “Charlotte’s taken care of, and I’ve managed to keep her a secret from all my enemies. Now, I’m going to fix it or die trying.”
It wasn’t like he could go back. He had to finish it, one way or another.
The moment stretched between them, heavy with everything he’d said. She knew his darkest, ugliest secrets, and he knew almost nothing about her.
Something had happened in her past. Someone had hurt her, or scared her, or violated her trust in a way that had left scars.
“How about you?” The question felt odd, out of left field. He smiled, trying to shift the mood in the room. “Any deep dark secrets you want to share? Feel like baring your soul?”
Her eyes widened, more fear than surprise, he guessed. She looked away.
He shouldn’t have asked like that. But he wanted to know. He wanted her to trust him the way he’d just trusted her.
She stared at the window, which reflected the conflicting emotions playing across her face. It wasn’t the look of someone trying to come up with a good story to share. It was the look of someone trying to gather the courage to share it.
Trust me, Kenzie. I won’t hurt you.
He needed a real connection, a real relationship built on truth.
He cared about her. Maybe he and Kenzie would never be more than friends. Maybe after this craziness was over, they wouldn’t even be that.
But maybe they could. Was it wrong to hope that, if they survived, there might be something between them? Maybe even something more than friendship?
It couldn’t happen if she didn’t trust him…and why would she after all he’d confessed?
Kenzie stood. “We should start going through the files.” Her voice was brisk and businesslike. “The sooner we bring down Magras and El Fantasma, the sooner we’ll both get our lives back.”
She wasn’t ready, and maybe she never would be. Maybe she saw Jaz as he really was and wanted nothing to do with him. Fair enough.
He pushed to his feet. “Let’s get to work.”