Chapter Twenty-Six
Seth
Unbridled happiness. It’s been with me all day long. Watching my best friend marry the love of his life despite all the trials and tribulations they went through, including me, was one of the purest moments of my life.
Watching Ripley and the joy it brought him to see Thea so happy put a genuine smile on my face. The hope this day instilled in me, the new future I saw for myself, all accumulated into a kind of contentment I’ve never felt before.
I was so high on life, I didn’t think twice about Ripley pulling me into Thea’s office. I didn’t flinch when our lips collided. I didn’t think to lock the door. I had zero reservations about making out with the man I love in a semi-public setting where anyone could walk in on us.
I didn’t see the possibility of the bubble we were living in bursting before I was ready. I’d said it out loud. I’d made my amends. I’d told the two people who needed to know before I could move on with telling others.
The second the door opened, the moment we were caught in the act, I felt my life shift. I thought I could handle it.
The looks aimed in our direction, the insensitive words framed as whispers drain the color from my face.
No matter how much I want to be brave and strong and grab Ripley’s hand so we can face this together, I can’t do it.
I can’t move. All I can do is watch as everyone around us writes the narrative before we’ve even said it out loud.
They’re creating a story within their heads, and I don’t want to be a part of it.
My phone buzzes again, the sound amplified by the silence around us. I pull it from my pocket, almost in a trance like this isn’t actually happening to me. Iris’ name lights up the screen.
“Hello?” I say into the phone. Seeing her name pop up the same second my world is crashing down around me feels poetic somehow. I actually feel relief right up until she speaks.
“Don’t freak out, okay?” she placates. Just from her tone, I know this will be bad news.
I say nothing. I’m falling apart on the inside. I don’t even know if freaking out more than I already am is possible. I ignore the faces around me; seeing their pitying glances and disgusted expressions will only make it worse. I can’t stay here. I can’t be surrounded by whatever happens next.
It doesn’t matter what they’re saying because in my head, they’re all judging me. They’re all putting together a puzzle they have no right to. My vision blurs as heat rushes up my spine, and my lungs feel like they’re full of smoke. I can’t breathe.
I turn away from the crowd, ignoring everything else happening behind me and avoiding anyone’s direct gaze, using the doors to the distillery as some kind of beacon, as if walking through them will change the last sixty seconds of my life.
As I push through the swinging doors, Iris says, “Seth? Are you there?”
“Uh huh,” I respond, unable to give her anymore.
“Okay… so… there was a fire—”
“What?” I bark into the phone, all my other problems pushed to the side.
“I told you not to freak out!”
“Where? Are you okay? How bad? Did anyo—”
She cuts me off with, “Seth, stop. Take a breath. If it was bad, I wouldn’t be so calm.”
She has a point, but it barely eases my mind. As I exit the door at the back of the distillery, the balmy night air caresses my overheated skin.
“Take. A. Breath,” she repeats. I take in a deep inhale, exaggerating it for her sake. “Thank you,” she says, heaving a sigh herself before giving me the details. “It was a small kitchen fire. Everyone is okay. But it was big enough to warrant repairs and a closure.”
I pull the phone away from my ear, holding it at my side as I look up at the sky. Just an hour ago, it was the most beautiful sunset, not a cloud in sight. Now it looks angry as a storm rolls in. “Fuck,” I mumble to myself, my mind unable to make sense of anything.
Then it hits me. This is my fault. I let my guard down. I tried to be happy, I let work take a backseat, and this is the consequence. This is the price for thinking I could have it all.
Iris’ timing isn’t poetic, it’s a goddamn tragedy, a rude awakening. The fire is the state of my life embodied. Living and breathing, turning everything it touches to ash.
Iris’ voice is muffled as she yells my name through the phone again. “Seth? Can you hear me?” she asks as I pull it back to my ear.
“Sorry, yeah, I can hear you. I—fuck. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“What? No. That’s not why I called. I know you’re probably still at the wedding.
If I didn’t think you would have killed me for not calling you as soon as it happened, I would have waited until tomorrow.
Try to enjoy the rest of your night.” I scoff, even without her call, there’s little chance of that.
“There’s nothing anyone else can do tonight, least of all you from thousands of miles away.
” Stress and exhaustion are evident in her voice, just another reason why I never should have let my control slip.
Fuck, I shouldn’t have even come to Indigo Hill in the first place.
What would have happened if she’d waited?
What would my life look like in twelve hours?
I was ready to come out. I had plans to call my mom and finally tell her I’m gay, and I’ve fallen in love with the most beautiful, charming man I’ve ever laid eyes on.
I wanted to fly her out to meet Ripley. I was planning a whole goddamn life for myself, a future.
We’d been caught, and a small part of me was relieved. I was forced to face the fucking music and live my truth. But she didn’t wait. No, she called at the exact moment my life was laid bare for all of Indigo Hill. She’d caught it.
I can still deny it; Tiffany is drunk. She doesn’t know what she saw. I can go back to Seattle and pretend none of this ever happened. That I didn’t fall in love with Ripley. That I simply spent the last four weeks as his roommate, working alongside Thea on the expansion.
The sound of the door behind me grabs my attention, and the person standing there brings a lump to my throat.
“Right. Listen, Iris, I have to go. I’ll see you soon.”
“Seth, stop, I told you, I—” I hang up the phone, not allowing her to finish because nothing she says will change my mind.
Shoving the phone back in my pocket, I bring my gaze to Ripley, his mossy eyes glassy with unshed tears and the same heartbreak from last November written all over his gorgeous face. His cheeks are flushed with the anxiety of what comes next. He knows.
“Seth, I know it looks bad but—” he starts, and his voice quivers at the end. And I know I should handle him with care. I know he’s dealing with the same emotions I am—maybe even more since he grew up with the people inside—but I just can’t do this. Not with him. Not right now. Maybe not ever.
“I have to go, Ripley.” I turn to walk away, down the sidewalk toward the parking lot so I can get in my car and drive away from this mess we created together.
“No, wait! Seth!” he yells from behind me, his footsteps sounding like grenades going off with every hurried step he takes. He makes it to me in seconds, grabbing my arm to stop me.
I yank it away, a scowl taking over my face as my heart races in my chest.
His expression tells me he expected something different.
He thought I’d be crying too. He thought he’d see the same pain reflected in my eyes, but he also expected to see resounding hope behind the fear because it’s what I see on his face.
He thought we’d feel the same in this moment, share the hardship, face it together.
As it turns out, I can’t give him what he wants and definitely not what he needs.
“What?” I ask, the frigid anger in my voice taking even me by surprise.
“What do you mean ‘what?’ Where are you going?”
“I have to go back to Seattle.” My tone is distant. I’m detaching myself from the moment, it’s the only way I’ll survive this.
“What? Why?” Betrayal is written all over his face.
Again. It’s like I’m looking at East, naked, vulnerable, skin still marred from my mouth, sitting on the bed in that hotel room in Kentucky.
The same one I left without looking back.
I can’t think about it though. I can’t focus on how much this is going to break his heart or mine.
“There’s an emergency at Carina Cove. I just—fuck, Ripley, I have to go.”
He doesn’t follow me this time, but I only get a few steps away before he asks, “What does this mean for you?”
It’s a loaded question. I’m in the middle of construction plans with Cary and Thea for the B&B.
I’ve developed friendships with the people here.
I have a routine, one that wouldn’t work in Seattle.
I’ve gotten into a groove at RED and have truly fallen in love with what they’ve created here.
I even love the town, it’s forced me to slow down, reevaluate.
And then there’s him.
What does this mean for me? It means I’m not meant to be happy.
I’m not meant to have the life I desire.
It means despite falling in love with the man of my dreams, and despite making strides to have that life with him, the one I never saw for myself, I can’t.
It’s not in the cards for me. It never was.
I’d fooled myself into thinking I could make it work.
My life is in Seattle, it always has been.
Letting myself have this would mean political demise for my father.
The fear of him finding out what happened tonight claws at me.
He’d never let me see my sisters again. Even Carina Cove would face his spiteful backlash.
Anything I’ve ever touched could be in jeopardy. It would end my life as I know it.
But I can’t tell him any of this.
“I don’t know.” It’s a cop out answer, but the only one I can give him without making this hurt more for us both.
I’m staring at the ground. I don’t want him to see me right now. I can make myself sound unaffected, but I’m not sure I can hold it if I look at him.
I don’t want him to push me because he’s the one person I’d bend for. He can’t leave it be though. Of course, he can’t, he’s Ripley. Pushing back and unapologetically upending my life are his whole personality. To think otherwise would mean I don’t know him the way I think I do.
“And for us?” he asks, and my heart shatters. The pieces breaking off in shards one by one and then all at once, crashing to the ground at our feet. I’ll never recover. What I’m about to do will destroy us both.
I take a breath. I can’t let him see through this. He can’t be left with any hope because I’d say, “fuck it all,” for him if he asked me to.
Finally meeting his eyes, I tell him, “There is no us.”
I don’t stick around to watch him fall apart.
I can’t. I need to go. I need to pack my bag and get on a plane and never look back.
This was a vacation, a whole fucking fantasy.
Real life is in Seattle. Real life is my sisters and my father.
Real life is dealing with the emergency at Carina Cove, not playing house with my almost-boyfriend in Indigo Hill, South Carolina.
As an added fuck you from the universe, the sky opens up and rains down on me as I walk to my car. At least now I can let my tears fall freely.