Chapter 8
CHAPTER
EIGHT
ANGEL
I’ve lost my mind. It’s the only explanation for why I’m in Brooklyn, loitering outside Rhys’s apartment building.
I’ve been telling myself that this isn’t a meeting, it’s just hanging out with some guys. Drinking beer and eating pizza, shooting the shit, and stuff like that.
So maybe we talk about porn. Guys talk about porn all the time. No big deal.
Except my palms are sweaty and my stomach is queasy and I can’t seem to catch my breath. I lean against the side of the building, pressing my palms into the rough brick behind me.
I’m calm. I’m cool. Everything is fine. Nothing’s wrong.
When the urge to hurl passes, I find the right button on the building’s intercom. My hand shakes a bit as I press it and a part of me hopes that this is the wrong building, or I’ve gotten the date wrong. Anything that will work as an excuse for me to turn around and go back home .
But nope. Rhys’s voice comes through the intercom, bright and cheery.
“Hello?”
“Hey, hi, it’s… uh, this is Angel. We spoke on the phone the other day?” I squeeze my eyes shut and my ears get a bit warm. Ugh, why do I sound like I’m a plumber coming over to check his pipes?
Rhys laughs as he speaks. “Yup, I remember! Come on up. We’re on the third floor.”
The buzzer sounds and I push through the front door. My feet are heavy as I take the stairs and my palm sticks to the handrail when I steady myself. It takes way too long and not nearly long enough to get up to the third floor.
When I get there, there’s a door already propped open and voices float out into the hallway. I stall out on the landing, catching my breath while the sound of my heartbeat pulses in my ears.
I can still turn back. I can disappear down the stairs and out the front door. I can ignore Rhys’s messages or delete his number from my phone entirely. I can pretend the last couple weeks haven’t happened at all.
The door opens and Rhys appears with a big smile on his face.
I forget to breathe.
His hair is still purple, but lighter than the last time I saw it. It flows around his shoulders in waves. The collar of his shirt hangs off one shoulder and the hem is cropped above his belly button, revealing a flat and toned midriff. His shorts are… very short, leaving his long, shapely legs completely bare.
When my eyes finally reach his face again, Rhys’s smile has turned sly. Like he knows I’m checking him out. Like he knows I like what I see.
But was I? Do I? The answer should be no, right? Because I’m not gay. I’m not supposed to be gay. I gulp.
“Hey, Angel,” Rhys says, and his voice has me stepping forward, drawing me in.
He doesn’t back away as I approach. Instead, his chin lifts so he can peer up at me. The movement changes the angle of his long, elegant neck. He blinks once, and his long lashes fan down to pink cheeks before lifting again. His lips part slightly and his breath hitches so quietly I wouldn’t have noticed if I wasn’t standing so close.
Someone clears their throat loudly, breaking through this strange trance we’ve found ourselves in. “You want to let the guy in?”
Rhys rolls his eyes and shakes his head, but he steps back, holding the door for me. It opens onto a long, narrow hallway that isn’t wide enough for us to stand side by side. So I take the door from Rhys, locking it behind me, before following him into the apartment.
His hips sway as he walks. His shorts barely cover the rounded globes of his bum. I don’t mean to stare, but it’s just… it’s right in front of me and it’s so round and it’s swaying.
“Boys, this is Angel. Angel, this is Hayden and Sebastian.”
I tear my gaze away from Rhys’s butt to find two other guys in the living room. I recognize both of them. Hayden’s got reddish-blond hair with eyes so green, they almost look fake. Sebastian’s got brown hair, brown eyes, and tanned skin that makes him look like the boy next door .
They’re both smiling knowingly at me.
Crap. They caught me staring at Rhys’s ass. My ears go red-hot and I completely lose my ability to form words.
Sebastian’s eyes widen a fraction before he jumps into action. “Hey, Angel! Great to meet you!” He holds his hand out for a handshake and I wipe my palm on my jeans before I take it.
“Hi, how you doing?”
“What do you want to drink?” Hayden asks, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb. “We’ve got beer and cider. Or I just mixed up some strawberry daiquiris for these two.”
Sebastian picks up a glass of bright pink slushy from the coffee table to show me. “It’s really good. Hayden’s a wiz at anything kitchen-related.”
I reach up to give my jaw a quick scratch. “Uh, beer is fine. Thanks.”
“Coming right up!”
Rhys stands off to the side with his own glass of pink slushy. He plays with the straw before bringing it to his lips for a sip. His eyes lock with mine as he sucks, and the heat from my ears spreads across my cheeks.
“Here you go!” Hayden holds out a dark brown bottle.
I take it, clutching at the cold, solid glass. The alcohol goes down smooth and settles in my stomach. It douses some of the heat burning inside me and before I know it, I’ve finished half the bottle. Oops.
“Grab a seat!” Hayden directs me over to an armchair. “I’m going to order some pizzas. Any requests?”
I shake my head. “N-no. I’ll eat anything. Thanks.”
I sneak a glance at Rhys who’s taken the end of the couch farthest away from me. He’s all curled up, with his legs folded under him and an elbow resting on the back of the couch. His fingers are threaded through his hair and the strawberry daiquiri is balanced on his knee.
Sebastian sits down closer to me. “So, you and Rhys grew up together?”
It takes me a second to realize Sebastian’s talking to me. “Oh, uh, yeah, well, sort of. I grew up with Nico.”
“My brother,” Rhys adds for clarification.
“What was Rhys like as a kid?” Sebastian asks with a twinkle in his eye.
Rhys’s foot shoots out from under him and his toes dig into Sebastian’s side. Sebastian yelps and squirms away with a laugh.
“What? It’s a legitimate question!” he exclaims.
“No, it’s not. I was born this fabulous!” Rhys flicks his hair over his shoulder and strikes a pose.
“Pizzas ordered!” Hayden scoots around the coffee table and grabs Rhys’s ankle. He lifts it out of the way so he can sit down between Rhys and Sebastian and wriggles around until he’s snuggled in.
They look cozy, all three of them squished onto the couch like that. And I’m in this armchair all by myself. Not that I want to join them or anything. It’s just…
My gaze drifts to Rhys again and he’s watching me. I don’t know how to interpret the look in those deep, dark eyes. There’s a wariness in them, maybe a touch of shyness? Which makes no sense because Rhys is the exact opposite of shy.
“What are we talking about?”
“Angel was just telling us about baby Rhys.”
“No, he wasn’t,” Rhys objects without taking his eyes off me .
Is that what he’s worried about? Me telling his friends about what he was like as a kid? A smile grows on my lips.
“He was cute,” I say, the words leaving my lips before I’ve consciously thought them. Images, memories of Rhys as a teenager rise to the surface, and I have no idea where they’re from. “He never dressed like the rest of us.”
Rhys sighs dramatically and rolls his eyes. “It’s not my fault no one in the old neighborhood has any fashion sense.”
My smile grows wider at his reaction. “His hair was long already.”
He twists a lock between his fingers. “You do not want to see me with short hair.” He shudders, like the idea gives him the creeps.
“You always knew when he walked into a room. Everyone would go quiet.”
Rhys’s expression goes wary again. “They would stare at me,” he says quietly.
“They couldn’t look away.”
Just like I can’t look away now. There’s something about Rhys—even barefoot, in shorts and a crop top, curled up on the couch—that’s irresistible, that demands attention. A star that shines so bright, it can’t be ignored.
Rhys breaks eye contact first, dropping his gaze and taking a large slurp of his daiquiri. I shift in my seat before taking another gulp of my beer.
I don’t understand the effect Rhys has on me. It feels like magic or witchcraft, and the scariest part is, I’m not running for the hills. I don’t want to run away from it. I want to run toward it.
“So…” Sebastian’s voice cuts through the silence. “Rhys says you work in construction? What’s that like? ”
I shift again and rub my palm along the top of my thigh. “Yeah, I, uh, like working with my hands.”
Sebastian nods. “Mmhmm, and what types of projects do you work on? Home renos and stuff like that?”
“Uh, no, commercial projects. We’re doing an office building in Midtown right now.”
“Construction workers are hot,” Hayden says, to no one in particular.
“They are,” Sebastian agrees. “Tons of videos with construction workers.”
“You’ve run the numbers?” Rhys asks, eyes narrowed.
Sebastian scoffs lightly. “Of course I’ve run the numbers. Who do you think I am?”
“He means numbers for videos,” Hayden explains to me. “Like number of downloads and views, number of subscribers, things like that. To see if they’re profitable. Sebastian’s very business-minded.”
“And I can confidently say that videos with construction workers do very well .” The emphasis he places on those two words makes my tummy feel unsettled and fluttery. “Especially straight construction workers.”
I drain the last of my beer, but instead of cooling me off, the alcohol sits like a warm pool in my stomach. My ears burn and I can’t help tugging at my collar.
“Sebby!” Rhys scolds him in a hushed voice.
“What? I thought you said that’s what we’re meeting about.” Sebastian sounds confused.
“Yeah, but you don’t have to…” Rhys waves his hands around. “You know.”
Sebastian glances at Hayden, who shrugs. Apparently neither of them knows.
“Don’t pressure him!” Rhys’s eyes flash in defiance as he tries to speak without moving his lips, as if I won’t be able to hear him that way.
Rhys is being so protective and it loosens something inside me that’s always been wound up tight. I’m usually the protective one, using my size to block players on the football field or help Mama around the house, or even just stand there intimidatingly when Sabrina’s trying to get rid of a guy she doesn’t like. People don’t really rush to my defense, they don’t bother standing up for me.
“That’s okay,” I say quietly, suddenly feeling a little choked up.
“Are you sure?” Rhys asks me, so full of concern.
I nod, despite the queasiness that’s making the alcohol slosh uncomfortably in my stomach. I appreciate Rhys trying to protect me, but Sebastian’s right. I’m the one who brought up the idea with Rhys in the first place. I agreed to come here today. As insane as this whole thing is, it would be cowardly of me to leave without having this conversation.
“Yeah, I, uh…” I gulp, then clear my throat. “It’s okay.”
Silence stretches several long moments before Sebastian speaks. When he does, his voice is gentle and calm. “How about I tell you about what we do at The Camboy Network?”
I nod, glad to be able to listen rather than speak.
Sebastian sits up straighter, and his face lights up. “It’s basically a film studio these days. We specialize in gay adult content. I do most of the producing, directing, and editing. And Rhys and Hayden and the others perform.”
Sebastian pauses and I nod to show him I’m following. Even though I’m not, not a hundred percent. But I think I’ve got the gist and the prospect makes me feel all sorts of things I don’t understand. Jittery and cramped, but also hot and a little tingly. I’m uncomfortable, but the only thing I can think of to ease the discomfort is… to take all my clothes off. It makes absolutely no freaking sense.
“If you wanted to work on a project with us, we’d pay you a standard daily rate. If the video does well and if you enjoy performing, we could talk about doing a series of videos.”
I nod again, although, at this point, I don’t know what it means anymore. Am I just saying I get what he’s saying? Or am I agreeing to something more?
“If you don’t mind me asking…” Sebastian shoots a sideways glance at Rhys, whose expression is serious and guarded. “Have you been with a guy before?”
I curl my hands into fists on my thighs. My ears burn red-hot and my tongue feels too big for my mouth. I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak.
“So… why would you want to do gay porn?”
All of a sudden, I forget how swallowing works, or how saliva works, or how my throat works, and I start choking on my own spit.
All three stare in alarm for a moment before jumping into action. Hayden races to the kitchen and Rhys rushes to my side. Perching on the arm of my chair, he holds my shoulder with one hand and rubs my back with the other. The steady rhythm and firm pressure calms the weird spasm that’s overtaken me. It feels so nice.
“Sebby!” Rhys growls at Sebastian over my head.
“What? I didn’t do anything! I just asked a question!”
Hayden returns with a glass of water in his hand. “Here you go.”
I take the glass and sip—carefully—as my coughing fit fades. My throat feels a little raw, like there’s still something in it.
“You don’t have to answer the question,” Rhys says to me, his hand still roaming over my back. “You don’t owe us an answer.”
He’s probably right. I don’t owe them an answer. But I owe myself one, don’t I? Shouldn’t I know why I’m so interested in this? Shouldn’t I know why I’m here?
“Is it for the money?” Sebastian prompts.
“Sebby!” Rhys hisses, again.
“It’s why most people get into porn. There’s nothing wrong with needing a bit of extra cash.”
Money. Could that be it? I mean, I could definitely use it. With Sabrina and Jonah living with Mama now, there are two extra mouths to feed, plus all the baby stuff that Jonah needs. I’m still paying the mortgage on Mama’s house. Well, technically the second mortgage that Pop took out to finance his gambling habit before he up and died, leaving us with a boatload of debt. My job in construction pays well, but not that well.
Sure, money. That’s a good reason.
“Um, yeah, I need the cash,” I croak.
Sebastian shoots a glance over my head to Rhys, one that says he’s not convinced.
“What about straight porn? Have you thought about doing that? Or even solo stuff? You can make cash that way too.”
No. No freaking way. My body physically recoils at those suggestions, stuffing me into the corner of the chair where Rhys wraps his arm around my shoulders. The touch is so soothing, soft and strong at the same time. Safe and secure .
Sebastian looks both confused and amused. He lifts both hands, flicking them so his palms face out. “Or not. That’s fine. I’m just throwing out suggestions. A little brainstorming sesh.”
“Being comfortable is important,” Hayden adds with a nod. “The last thing you want is not being able to get it up when everyone else is ready to roll.”
The hands on my shoulders tighten a smidge, and I find myself leaning back with my head resting on Rhys’s… chest? Shoulder? Stomach? I can’t tell, but it feels… nice.
“You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with,” Rhys says. His voice comes from just above my head, edged with something steely and fierce. “You don’t have to do any of this if you don’t want to.”
Sebastian and Hayden both nod in agreement, which just leaves me. Do I want to do this?
The rational, logical, sane answer is no. Of course I don’t. I’m not gay. We’re not about to go bankrupt. If anyone found out I was doing porn, I’d get into so much trouble with Mama. I have no good reason to do this.
And yet, there’s been this seed growing inside me ever since that party. It’s gotten bigger with every passing day, sinking its roots into me and latching on tight. I don’t know what it is or what it wants with me. I don’t know why this is happening to me now.
There’s only one thing I do know—I can’t ignore it.
I nod. “I’ll do it.”