Chapter 20
CHAPTER
TWENTY
ANGEL
One of the most important rules when working on a construction site is being aware of your surroundings. There are hazards all over the place—vehicles backing up, cranes swinging things through the air, heavy materials being moved around—if you’re distracted, you’ll get hurt.
“Angel!” Mario grabs my arm, pulling me to an abrupt halt right before I walk straight into the path of an oncoming forklift. “Jesus, man, that’s the third time today. Where the hell’s your head?”
In Brooklyn, with Rhys. But I can’t tell Mario that. “Sorry, just… have a lot on my mind.”
“Yeah?” He nudges me forward once the forklift passes. “Like what?”
Shoot. I shouldn’t have said that. “Nothing, just stuff at home.”
“Sabrina and the baby?”
“Uh, yeah.” It would’ve been a good excuse if my ears weren’t my own personal lie detector. They heat up, the tips turning red.
I hope Mario doesn’t notice as we run across the street to grab coffees from the local deli.
“How are they doing?” Mario asks as we wait our turn to be served at the counter.
“Uh, they’re fine?”
He casts a sideways glance at me, clearly confused. “But you just said…”
Crap. My ears burn hot and I scratch my jaw through my beard. “Yeah, uh…”
Mario turns to face me fully, arms crossed over his chest. “Dude, you okay? You look like you’re about to pass out.”
“I’m fine, I just?—”
The guy behind the counter waves us forward, thank the lord, and we place our orders for coffees. But if I think the short break will distract Mario enough to forget his question, I’m wrong.
It’s the middle of September and the hot summer weather has cooled into a breezy fall. It’s the perfect temperature to stand outside, sipping our coffees and watching pedestrians walk past. Mario and I take up spots at the end of a row of other guys taking their breaks.
“So,” Mario starts up again the second we’re settled. “I got a feeling this ain’t about Sabrina and the baby.”
I scrunch up my face. I mean, I could technically make it about my sister and my nephew. Needing extra money to support them was the reason why I agreed to do gay porn in the first place.
But I didn’t get paid to go watch Rhys at The Bronzed Rail. I didn’t get paid to drive him home. I wasn’t even thinking about money when Rhys and I… in my truck… yeah.
The extra money is nice, but who am I kidding? It isn’t about the money anymore.
The video went live this morning. Rhys and Sebastian both sent me texts to let me know that the initial reception has been good. Exceeding expectations even. I don’t know how I feel about that.
On the one hand, that’s good, right? We want the video to do well. But on the other hand… the video is out there now, and hundreds and thousands of people are going to watch it. I don’t think I really understood what that meant until this morning.
Sebastian had sent me the video and asked if I was still okay with it being released. I said yes without giving it too much thought. It’s not that I regret saying yes, it’s just…
“Dude.” Mario bumps me with his elbow. “What’s going on?”
I glance up at Mario, my friend since high school. I wouldn’t call us best friends, since I don’t know if I’ve ever really had a best friend. But we both played defense on the football team and we both started working in construction at the same time. Of all the guys in the neighborhood, he’s the one I’m closest to.
And I suddenly want to tell him everything. Every. Single. Thing. From following Rhys upstairs at his dad’s birthday party, to doing the whole gay-for-pay thing, to the texts we’ve been sending each other and what happened in my truck.
The words scramble up my throat, demanding to be let out. But I can’t. Mario wouldn’t understand. No one from the neighborhood would understand. It’s why Rhys moved away the second he turned eighteen. It’s why I never knew that half this stuff existed until he came back.
A strangled sound escapes me as I try to swallow the words back down.
Mario’s expression grows alarmed and he grips my shoulder, giving it a shake. “Jesus, Angel, is someone dying? Are you dying?”
“What? No! No. Nobody’s dying,” I choke out.
“Then why do you look like your nephew’s got cancer or something?”
“What?! No! Jonah doesn’t have cancer. It’s nothing like that.” I shake my head while my tummy ties itself into knots. I take a sip of my coffee, but it just burns when it hits my stomach.
“You’re gonna give a man a heart attack. Christ. Just tell me what it is.”
I open my mouth and nothing comes out at first. Then something that sounds like a dying duck escapes me. I clap my hand over my mouth as Mario bursts into laughter.
“Oh my god, Angel. You’re killing me. Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.” He punches me on the shoulder. “You know we always got your back.”
And that’s the thing, isn’t it? I don’t know if they will, not about this. With anything else, sure, the people I grew up with wouldn’t think twice. But this might be their one exception.
I grip my coffee cup with both hands, hoping Mario won’t see how much they’re trembling. It’s hard to believe that I’d rather tell Mario that my nephew has cancer than tell him that I did gay porn and now I’m sleeping with a dude. I’m really, truly messed up .
“Alright. If you’re not gonna tell me, I’m just gonna start guessing.” His brow furrows like this has turned into a trivia game and he’s determined to win.
“No—” I feel slightly nauseous as he starts guessing.
“Nobody’s sick or dying. How about debts? I know your pop wasn’t great about that.”
“No, no new debts.” I drain the rest of the coffee, wincing as the hot brew burns down my throat and into my churning stomach. I toss the empty cup into the trash bin next to us, then stuff both my hands into my pockets.
His face lights up with another idea. “What about Sabrina’s baby daddy? I heard he was trouble. He sniffing around again? We wouldn’t mind showing him out of the neighborhood.”
“No, he hasn’t shown his face since they moved in,” I mutter, turning to walk back to the worksite. We still have a few more minutes on our break, but maybe if I get back early, Mario will stop asking questions I don’t know how to answer.
He falls into step next to me. “Good. Oh, wait a minute!” Mario hits my arm with the back of his hand. “You seeing somebody? You got a girl?”
That’s not exactly it, but it’s close enough to the truth that panic makes me trip over my own feet and I stumble a few steps before catching myself.
“That’s it, ain’t it!” Mario laughs, giving me a friendly shove. “Angel, you sly dog, you! You got a girl and you haven’t said a word. Who is she? You got pictures? Where’d you meet?”
“No!” I grab Mario and pull him away from the other dudes on site. “No, there’s no girl! ”
Mario gives me a “come on” look. “Dude, you’re the worst liar I’ve ever met.”
Except I’m not lying this time. There’s no girl. There’s… a boy.
The thought rings through my mind and my heart hammers against my ribs. There’s a boy—Rhys. These things I feel for him, these confusing feelings that I don’t understand, they’re feelings I should have for a girl. But I’ve never felt them before. Not for my high school girlfriend, Claudia. Not for anyone. Only Rhys.
What does that mean? Does that mean I’m gay? Can I do gay for pay if I’m not straight? Or maybe I’m just bisexual—that’s a thing, right? People who are attracted to both men and women? Am I that? How do I know? How can I tell?
“Aw, Angel, you don’t gotta be embarrassed or nothing.” Mario slings his arm around my shoulders. “It’s about time you hooked up with a chick. Shit. How long has it been? Not since Claudia? I don’t know how you went so long without getting your dick wet.”
My nausea worsens at Mario’s crude description and I forcefully shrug him off of me.
“No!” The word bursts out of me from nowhere as blood rushes in my ears. Rhys isn’t just a hookup. At least, not to me. What we have is so much more than that—I think. I’m just not entirely sure what.
Mario holds up both of his hands in surrender. “Whoa, easy, so it’s a serious thing? You just had to say so. What’s her name? You gonna bring her around to meet everyone in the neighborhood? Where she from, anyway?”
“There’s no she!” My heart is beating so hard, my whole body shakes with the force of it. My fingers are curled into tight fists, but that doesn’t stop the trembling.
Mario pauses, then tilts his head in confusion. “There isn’t?”
“No.” My heart ricochets around, lodging itself in my throat. “There’s a he.”
The words come out so garbled I’m not sure Mario hears them at first.
But then his expression goes slack, his jaw drops, and he takes a step away from me. “You mean… you mean… you fucked a guy?”
I flinch at the f-bomb and clench my jaw to keep myself from hurling.
“But you…” He waves his hand in my direction, as if that’s supposed to mean something.
“I’m what?” I bite out.
He drops his hand, letting it slap against his thigh. “Nothing. You just… don’t… have that… vibe.”
My hackles rise and an unfamiliar anger trickles through me. This is what Rhys goes through whenever he’s in our neighborhood, isn’t it? The look Mario’s giving me, a little confused and a little suspicious. The way he’s stepped away from me, leaning away from me.
“What kind of vibe am I supposed to have?” I practically growl.
“Nothing. No vibe,” he backtracks quickly, then sighs. “I’m just surprised.”
Yeah, well, him and me both. I never expected to feel like this, especially not for someone like Rhys. I never thought I’d tell anyone from the neighborhood, and definitely not like this.
“Does anyone else know?” Mario asks .
I shake my head jerkily right before I’m seized by a new fear. “You gonna tell people?”
He actually looks a little offended. “Nah, man, why would I do that?”
“Because. It’s gossip.” And anyone from the neighborhood knows that the place runs on gossip.
Mario gives me a grim look. “Nah, I won’t tell anybody.”
“Hey! Mario! Angel!” Our foreman calls us over for a quick meeting.
Mario shoots me one last glance before spinning around and walking away. I follow after him, hoping I haven’t just lost a friend, hoping I haven’t just lit the fuse on a bomb.