CHAPTER FOURTEEN #2
As they neared the house a short time later, completing the first lap, Kiara spoke up from the back. “Can you please let me off? I need to use the bathroom.”
“Oh, we can be done for today,” Angela said, glancing into the rearview mirror.
“Nope. Just let me off. You keep going. You need to do at least as many laps as I did.”
Frowning, Angela slowed the car to a stop. Kiara reached forward and patted her on the shoulder. “See you in a few.”
Once Kiara had shut the door, she hurried toward the house. Jude’s gaze returned to Angela, who was still gripping the wheel as she stared straight ahead.
“Sorry,” she said. “I didn’t know she was going to do that.”
Jude knew that was the truth because it was clear she didn’t want to be left alone with him.
"We can end the lesson if you want," Jude offered, not wanting to make her more uncomfortable than she already was.
Thanks to Duncan’s directive that Jude guard Angela and help her as needed, there was no way for her to avoid him. So, the sooner they could get past this awkwardness, the better.
"No, I should practice," Angela said, her voice soft but determined. "I need to learn this."
She eased the car forward again, her movements more confident than before but still cautious. They drove in silence for several minutes, the only sound being the quiet hum of the engine and the occasional crunch of snow under the tires.
"You're doing really well," Jude said finally, breaking the silence. "Most people aren't this controlled their first time behind the wheel."
"Probably because most people are in their teens when they learn to drive," Angela muttered drily. “And teens aren’t known for their controlled behavior.”
Jude chuckled. “Well, there is that.”
“Although maybe you were,” she said. “You seem like someone who has been controlled since birth.”
“You’re not wrong,” Jude conceded. “How about you?”
“Oh, I was definitely an out-of-control teen.”
The sarcasm in her voice made Jude grin, if only on the inside. He liked to get these brief flashes of personality. Especially when she was in the middle of something that was stressful for her.
“Being out of control was never allowed,” Angela said, her tone more normal. “I think Jim figured that if we had energy to be out of control, we had the energy to be doing more chores.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about chores here,” Jude reminded her.
“I know,” she said. “But we’re finding it a bit of a challenge to just sit around with nothing to do. That’s not how we’ve lived our lives.”
“Just try to think of this time as a vacation,” Jude said. “An extended vacation while you figure out what to do next.”
“So we should just sleep late and lounge around the pool reading?”
“Well, since the pool is indoors, you could do that.”
“And what a pool it is,” she said.
“Duncan doesn’t do anything by half measures,” Jude told her.
“I’m coming to understand that. I mean, he wants to build us a house.”
“You do realize that he has an ulterior motive in doing that, right?”
Angela glanced at him as she slowed to take a curve. “He wants to keep us close by?”
“That’s part of it,” Jude said. “But keeping you here on the estate also means it’s easier to keep you safe. The estate is more secure than any other place he lives. So as long as you’re on the estate, he doesn’t have to worry about your safety.”
“And that’s why Annie lives here too?”
“It is. She wanted to move out on her own, but Duncan didn’t want her to move away from the estate. Her cabin was the compromise.”
“Has Duncan made any sort of decision about letting people know about me?” she asked. “So we can go into Serenity instead of having to go to Coeur d’Alene every time we want to buy something?”
“He hasn’t let me know anything,” Jude said. “I’ll talk to him again and see what he’s thinking.”
He suspected that she wasn’t keen to challenge Duncan if he put her off. Annie had no problem challenging her dad on things she didn’t like, but he knew that Angela didn’t have the same confidence in her relationship with him.
Hopefully, that would come in time.
Jude watched her profile as she concentrated on driving. The afternoon sun caught in her light brown hair, highlighting subtle gold strands he hadn't noticed before. He forced himself to look away.
“You’re doing really well,” he said as she passed the house again.
He’d thought Kiara might be standing outside waiting, but she wasn’t.
"I've always been good at following instructions."
The simple statement carried a weight that made Jude's chest tighten. He wondered how much of her life had been spent following instructions out of fear of punishment.
As they rounded a curve in the road, Angela spoke again. "I'm sorry about how I acted after our shopping trip. It was childish."
Jude hadn't expected an apology. If anyone should be apologizing, it was him. "You have nothing to be sorry for."
"I do though." She glanced at him briefly before returning her attention to the road. "I made things awkward by asking personal questions, and then I got upset when you gave me honest answers."
"Angela—"
"It's okay," she continued. "I understand your position. I just… I need to keep things professional too. I don't want to make your job harder than it needs to be."
The words hit Jude like a physical blow. She was trying to protect him from her own feelings, putting his comfort above her own hurt. It was so typical of what he was coming to know about Angela—selfless even when she was in pain.
"Pull over," he said quietly.
Angela's eyes widened in alarm. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No. Just… please. Pull over."
She guided the car to the side of the road and put it in park, her hands trembling slightly as she released the steering wheel. "I'm sorry if I—"
"Stop apologizing." Jude turned in his seat to face her fully. "You have nothing to apologize for."
Angela stared down at her hands folded in her lap. "I made you uncomfortable. I can tell because things are awkward now."
The vulnerability in her voice undid something inside Jude. He'd been so focused on protecting himself, on maintaining a professional distance, that he'd hurt her in the process.
"Angela, look at me."
She lifted her eyes to his, and the pain he saw there made his chest ache.
"I wasn't uncomfortable because of your questions," he said carefully. "I was uncomfortable because it’s very rare that I speak about my private life. I’m not used to it."
Her brow furrowed. "But you wouldn’t have had to speak about it if I hadn’t asked you those questions."
Jude ran a hand through his hair, knowing he somehow had to get rid of the awkwardness without leading her on. There couldn’t be anything between them, regardless of the pull they apparently felt toward each other.
But he needed her to feel comfortable around him since there was no alternative. Until the situation with Jim and Craig was resolved, Duncan wouldn’t remove him from his position in Angela’s life.
And if he dared to go to Duncan to request the change, the man’s suspicions would be roused. He wouldn’t agree without a good reason, and Jude didn’t have one he felt comfortable giving the man.
If he dared confess that he was feeling drawn to Angela, Duncan probably would agree to his request. But would he lose confidence in Jude’s ability to do his job without distractions?
That couldn’t happen.
He didn’t know what he’d do without his job. Who he’d be.
So somehow, he had to clarify to Angela that there could never be anything between them. All without acknowledging how he might actually feel or how he suspected she might feel.
"Listen," Jude said, choosing his words carefully. "I want you to feel comfortable around me. We're going to be spending a lot of time together, and I don't want things to be awkward between us."
Angela nodded slightly, her eyes still uncertain.
"The truth is, I'm not good at personal conversations. I never have been." He looked out at the snow-covered landscape for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "In my position, I've learned to keep people at a distance. It's safer that way."
"Safer for whom?" she asked softly.
The question caught him off guard. "For everyone involved."
Angela turned slightly in her seat to face him better. "I think I understand. You're worried about crossing some kind of professional line because you work for my father."
Jude felt his pulse quicken. She was getting too close to the truth. "It's more complicated than that."
"Is it?" Her voice was gentle, not challenging. "Because it seems pretty simple to me. You're afraid of losing your job if you show that you're human beneath all that… security guy exterior."
Despite himself, Jude felt the corner of his mouth twitch. "Security guy exterior?"
"You know what I mean." A small smile played across her lips. "All serious and professional all the time."
"That's who I am, Angela."
"I don't think that's all you are." She looked down at her hands again. "But I understand if that's all you want me to see."
The words hung between them, honest and raw. Jude felt something inside him shift, and a door cracked open that he'd kept firmly shut for years.
"It's not about what I want," he said finally. "It's about what's appropriate. What's possible."
Angela's gaze met his again, searching. "And what is possible, Jude? Between us?"
The directness of her question startled him. He hadn't expected her to be so forthright, though perhaps he should have. Everything he'd learned about Angela showed her to be somewhat reserved and tentative until she set her mind to something. Then she could be quite tenacious.
"Friendship," he said after a long moment. "We can be friends."
It was both the truth and a lie. They could be friends, like he was friends with Annie and Benji. However, the way his heart quickened when she looked at him suggested that it would be a challenge to have a simple friendship with her.
"Friends," she repeated, testing the word. "I think I'd like that."
Jude nodded, feeling both relief and an inexplicable disappointment. "Good. Then let's start over. No awkwardness. Just… friends."
Angela smiled, a genuine smile that reached her eyes. "I'd like that."
"Should we continue with the driving lesson now?" Jude asked, injecting a lightness into his tone he didn't entirely feel.
"Yes, please." Angela put her hands back on the steering wheel. "I think I'm getting the hang of it.”
Jude thought she was too. The sense of pride that filled him could be how a friend felt, right?
He actually had no idea if that was the case. However, he felt like she deserved to have people proud of her since she’d probably had precious few who had been for most of her life.