CHAPTER FIFTEEN #2
"Hmm." Melanie exchanged a look with Cooper. "That's the same excuse you gave last time. And the time before that."
Cooper cleared his throat. "Melly, maybe Jude doesn't want to talk about his love life."
"Or lack thereof," Jude muttered, trying to keep his tone light.
"I just want you to be happy," Melanie said, her voice softening. "You deserve someone special in your life."
The sincerity in her voice made something in Jude's chest tighten. These people genuinely cared about him. They wanted him to have what they had.
"I appreciate that," he said. "But I'm good. Really."
"Uncle Jude doesn't need a girlfriend," Alex announced with the certainty only an eight-year-old could muster. "He has a gun."
The adults burst into laughter, the tension of the moment broken by Alex's matter-of-fact declaration.
"A gun is not the same as having someone to come home to," Melanie said, still smiling.
"I don't know," Cooper teased. "My Glock has never asked me to take out the trash."
Melanie rolled her eyes. "You're not helping."
"I'm not sure those are equivalent, buddy," Cooper said, ruffling his son's hair.
"They're not," Jude agreed, grateful for the child's inadvertent rescue. "But thanks for the support."
Chloe looked up from her plate, her gray eyes serious. "My teacher says everyone needs someone to love them. Even the grumpy ones."
"I'm not grumpy," Jude protested mildly.
"You kinda are," Cooper said with a grin.
Melanie reached over and patted Jude's hand. "It's part of your charm."
The conversation moved on to other topics, but Jude found himself turning the children's words over in his mind. Did he need someone? He'd convinced himself for years that he didn't. That his work was enough. That the occasional dinner with friends like this satisfied any need for human connection.
But lately, there had been moments when he'd caught himself wondering what it would be like to come home to someone. To have a place that felt lived in rather than just occupied.
And those thoughts had started right around the time Angela Burke had entered his life. She was the one who came to mind when his thoughts wandered in the direction of home and hearth.
"Earth to Jude," Cooper's voice broke through his thoughts. "You with us?"
"Sorry," Jude said, shaking his head slightly. "Just thinking about work."
Cooper's expression said he didn't buy that explanation, but he didn't push. Instead, he stood and began clearing plates. "Why don't you help me with the dishes?"
Jude nodded, grateful for the distraction. In the kitchen, he and Cooper worked in comfortable silence for a few minutes, the sound of running water and clinking dishes filling the space.
"You know," Cooper said finally, handing Jude a plate to put in the dishwasher, "I've known you for what, five years now? And I've never seen you this distracted."
Jude focused on organizing the dishes in the rack with more attention than it required. "I told you, work's been busy."
"Right. Work." Cooper shut off the water and turned to face him. "Want to try again?"
Jude reached for another plate. "There's nothing to try again."
"Jude." Cooper's voice was gentle but firm. "I'm a cop. I know when someone's avoiding a subject. And you're avoiding this one like it's radioactive."
For a moment, Jude considered deflecting again. But the weight of keeping everything bottled up was becoming harder to bear. And if he couldn't trust Cooper with this, who could he trust?
"There's someone," he murmured, not looking at his friend.
Cooper's eyebrows rose. "Someone?"
"Yeah." Jude ran a hand through his hair. "Someone I can't have."
"Ah." Cooper leaned against the counter, crossing his arms. "Married?"
"No, of course not." Jude set the plate carefully in the rack. "Worse."
"Worse than married?" Cooper's brow furrowed. "What could be worse than—" His eyes widened. "Wait. You don't mean…"
Jude nodded grimly. "Angela."
Cooper let out a low whistle. "Duncan's daughter."
"The very same." Jude closed the dishwasher door with more force than necessary. "And before you ask, nothing has happened. Nothing will happen."
"But you want it to."
It wasn't a question, and Jude didn't bother denying it. "Doesn't matter what I want."
Cooper was quiet for a moment, studying his friend. "How serious is this? Is it just attraction, or…?"
"I don't know." Jude braced his hands against the counter, staring down at the granite surface. "I've never felt this way before. It's like…" He struggled to find the words. "It's like I can't stop thinking about her. About making her smile. About keeping her safe."
"That last part is literally your job description," Cooper pointed out.
"It's different." Jude shook his head. "With Annie or Benji, I'd take a bullet for them because it's my duty and I care about them. With Angela…" He paused, then shook his head. "She's my responsibility. My job. That's all she can ever be."
Cooper studied him for a long moment. "Is that the only reason? Her being Duncan's daughter?"
Jude wiped his hands on a dishtowel, buying time. "She's also almost twelve years younger than me."
"That's not unheard of."
"She's been through trauma. She's vulnerable."
"All valid concerns," Cooper acknowledged. "But none of that explains why you look like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders."
Jude sighed, leaning back against the counter.
"You know what my life is. The estate. The security protocols.
And sometimes I still have to guard Duncan when he travels to high-risk areas.
What kind of life is that to offer someone?
Especially someone who's just getting a taste of freedom for the first time? "
"So this is about protecting her from you?"
"From the life I lead," Jude corrected. “From the risks I still have to take at times.”
Cooper was quiet for a moment, then shook his head. "You know what I think? I think you're making excuses."
"Excuses?" Jude's voice sharpened. "Cooper, I could lose my job. Duncan trusts me to protect his daughter, not to—"
"Not to what? Fall in love with her? Care about her as more than just an assignment?" Cooper's voice was gentle but direct. "Jude, you're not some predator taking advantage of a vulnerable woman. You're a good man who's developed feelings for someone. That's not a crime."
"It is when that someone is—"
"Duncan's daughter. Yeah, you mentioned that.
" Cooper crossed his arms. "But you know what?
Duncan's also the man who stepped in when your dad passed away.
Who trusts you more than anyone else in his life.
Don't you think he'd want his daughter to be with someone he knows will protect her? Someone with integrity?"
Jude felt his chest tighten. "You don't understand. The Burke family means everything to me. They're the only family I’ve really had since Dad died. If I cross this line and Duncan feels I've betrayed his trust…"
"Then you'd talk to him about it. Man to man. Like an adult."
"I can't." The words came out more forcefully than Jude intended. "I can’t risk it."
Cooper studied him with those perceptive cop eyes. "So you'd rather be miserable? Live the rest of your life wondering what might have been?”
"This is my reality. My mother left because she couldn't handle my father's job. She couldn't live with the uncertainty, the danger, the fact that his work always came first."
“Not every woman has that response. Melanie knew the risks when she married me, and she still took the chance.”
“Not everyone is as devoted as Melanie,” Jude said. “As my dad found out.”
"But you're not your father."
"I'm exactly like my father," Jude said firmly.
"I've made the same choices he did. Put the job first. Kept people at arm's length. The only difference is I learned from his mistake. Except for once, I have never let anyone get close enough that their leaving would hurt. So, my job is my life. It’s all that matters to me. "
Cooper frowned. "But now there’s Angela."
"Yes. Now there’s Angela," Jude agreed quietly. "Which is why I need to put a stop to it before it goes any further."
"Does she feel the same way about you?"
Jude's jaw tightened. "It doesn't matter."
"That's not what I asked."
"Cooper—"
"Does she?"
Jude closed his eyes briefly. "I think so. Maybe. I don't know."
"And that terrifies you."
"Of course it does." Jude's voice was rough.
Cooper was quiet for a long moment, then said, "You won’t lose everything, you know. You’ll never lose me and Melanie. You’ll never lose your integrity. And you’ll never lose God. Have you prayed about the situation?”
Jude hesitated, then shook his head. “I’m not even sure what to pray.”
“At the very least, you could pray that God would make His will clear. Ask Him to give you clarity about things. There is no moral right or wrong in this situation. I’ll just encourage you to search for God’s will.”
Jude had heard similar words from the pastor of the church over the years. But even though he understood the concept of seeking God’s will for his life, he’d never practiced it. He’d never really had a conflicted spirit about any of the decisions he’d made over the years.
He wanted to say that he wasn’t confused or conflicted over his burgeoning feelings, but that would be a lie.
His phone chimed with a text message alert, so Jude pulled it out to check. While Sunday was technically a day off for Jude, the team always knew they could get hold of him by phone. It wasn’t likely an emergency, or they would have phoned him.
Angela: I made some cinnamon buns today. Do you want some? I could bring them to your place.
A smile tipped the corners of his mouth.
“I see that,” Cooper said with a laugh. “Text from Angela, huh? I like that smile on you.”
Jude rolled his eyes, then considered his response. He didn’t generally favor sending text messages since he tended to spend more time correcting the mistakes his fingers made.
Deciding to wait until he was in his vehicle to respond, he said, “Guess I’d better head back to the estate. Thanks for the meal and the advice.”
Cooper reached for his hand, then pulled him in for a quick hug, slapping him on the back. “Glad you could spend some time with us. We’ll have to do it again soon.”
Jude agreed, then went to say goodbye to Melanie and the kids. The hugs they gave him always brought a bit of emotion bubbling to the surface.
He didn’t have many affectionate interactions with people. And while he was usually okay with that, it was in those moments when the kids wrapped their tiny arms around his neck that he wondered what it would be like to have kids of his own.
The wonderings never lasted long because he knew that his choice had been made years ago to not take that path. But now…
“But now nothing,” Jude muttered as he started up his truck.
He lifted his phone to record a quick voice memo to send back to Angela. After it was sent, he set his phone in the holder he had for it, then put the truck in gear to head home.