Chapter 18
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
Seymour turned around, hissing, “It’s the fuckin’ king!”
Sariel looked past Seymour, and his eyes widened. “Oh, dear.”
“What the fuck are they doin’ here?”
Day shrugged. “Maybe he wanted a Happy Meal?”
Seymour put his hand up to his face, trying to shield himself. There was a tiny chance Zolrya wouldn’t see them, and maybe everything would be all right.
“Oh!” Zolrya gasped. “Darling. The little mortal and the angel are here!” He waved, his many glittering bracelets jingling.
He had on tight black pants, big high-heeled black boots, and a dark blazer made from a vibrant floral brocade in shades of green and shimmering silver thread.
He wore nothing beneath the blazer except for a thick diamond collar that had several long, jeweled strands.
There was a giant red rose on his left lapel, and his lips had been painted the same color.
As a human, his features were the same as his faerie form except his skin was now a warm copper hue and his teeth didn’t look like he could chew up a bunch of surfers in the middle of the ocean.
“Uh. Hey!” Seymour waved back awkwardly. “Love the outfit, Your Majesty.”
“Aw, thank you!” Zolrya clapped his hands excitedly. “I’ll be right over!”
“What are they doing there?” Talos asked through the phone’s speaker with what sounded like a very sour scowl.
“They’re eating, you silly man,” Zolrya teased. “Mortals have to do that, you know. They’ll die after, like, a day or something.” He cut ahead of a handful of people to approach the counter.
The man who had been next snapped, “Hey! Back of the line, asshole.”
Seymour cringed.
“Excuse me?” Zolrya grinned. “What did you just call me?”
“An asshole! A fuckin’ freaky looking one too!” the man barked. “Why don’t you go back home to RuPaul, huh?”
There was a distinct buzz of static, and the lights inside the restaurant flickered.
“Mr. Wells. Mr. Daniel Wells of Castleberry Court, apartment twelve,” Talos purred, his voice low and dangerous.
“Apologize to my lover immediately or everyone in this establishment is going to see the charming little photograph you took of your penis in the bathroom twenty-six minutes ago. The one you sent to Maria Vasquez, the wife of your employer, Donald Callier of Horizon Industries.”
“What?” The man turned bright red, and he screamed, “H-how do you—how? Huh? How do you know all that? Did her husband hire you? Who the fuck are you?”
“I’m the man who is about to destroy your life if you don’t apologize to my sweet darling.”
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” The man dropped to his knees in front of Zolrya. “Please, please! I’ll do fucking anything.” He grabbed Zolrya’s arm. “Please! Please, I need this job so fuckin’ bad!”
Zolrya had been looking at the menu, apparently not interested in the man’s obvious distress, and he made a face.
“Ew, don’t touch me. You touched your pathetic mortal penis with those hands.
” He suddenly grinned. “Although… I must confess how I loathe adulterers and their vile little affair partners.” He wiggled his nose and then smiled sweetly. “There.”
“What the...?” The man grabbed at his groin, patting around frantically. “No… It can’t… You…! No!” He let out an awful wail and then bolted to his feet, racing out of the restaurant.
“Oh, come on!” Zolrya groaned. “I was going to put it back. Eventually. Tsk.” He smiled at the other people in line. “Now! Does anyone else mind if I go ahead and place my order?”
Everyone shook their heads, and there was a very enthusiastic chorus of nos.
Talos chuckled low. “That’s better. Go ahead and get your yummy food, baby.”
“Thank you, darling.” Zolrya giggled. “Do you want me to bring you back anything? Some honey mustard? Or sweet and sour sauce? Whatever you think pairs well with ass.”
Talos laughed again. “Whatever you want, baby.”
“Love you!” Zolrya cooed.
“Love you too.”
“Jesus fuck.” Seymour scrubbed his hands over his face. “Can we leave? Like, right now?”
Day grimaced. “Leaving sounds very good.”
“But he wants to see us,” Sariel said quietly. “I do not think it would be wise to depart at this moment.”
“Quite right,” Talos said, his voice now coming from Seymour’s phone in his pocket.
Seymour jumped. “Shit.”
“I think it is in your best interest to keep my beloved very happy while he visits your realm,” Talos went on. “He felt inspired after your little meeting to enjoy some mortal cuisine, and he’s always had a weakness for fast food.”
“Does he… uh… stay long?” Seymour asked slowly, remembering all too well how pretty much everyone ever said the king visiting was a very, very bad idea.
“Once he’s eaten at all his favorite restaurants, he will return home. So. Keep him happy.”
“What do you mean? I’m still tryin’ to find your damn brain and this music stuff has gotten real bad—”
“Click.”
“How the hell are you gonna say click instead of just hanging up?” Seymour groaned. “C’mon!” He pulled out his phone to make sure Talos was actually gone, but he wasn’t sure if that even mattered or not.
Day had finished off the last of her food, and she appeared ready to fall asleep in Sariel’s lap. She lazily swatted at the air, saying, “I’ll eat ’em both.”
“I do not think that would be wise,” Sariel said. “They are both extremely powerful creatures.”
“But I will eat them. Just like I will eat Mr. Heiss.”
Sariel smiled, but it seemed tired. Maybe sad.
“Maybe next time, lil’ girl.” Seymour smiled. “The last few monsters you ate upset your tummy, remember?”
Day pouted. “Fine.”
“Rest now.” Sariel took his hand from Seymour to pet the top of her head. “All will be well. We can handle entertaining the king.” His expression seemed tense, and he looked out the window, his brow pinching even as he continued to scratch behind her ears.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Seymour said, his tone teasing. “I’m sure we can give him some crayons or maybe let him poof away some more vital organs. It’ll be fine.”
Sariel flashed a small smile and nodded, but then he looked right back out the window.
Seymour frowned. “What’s wrong?”
“I am sorry.” Sariel shook his head. “I am troubled.”
“What kind of trouble?” Day mumbled drowsily. “I’ll eat them for dessert.”
“Not the kind that can be eaten away, I am afraid. But I appreciate the offer.”
There were many options to what might have been upsetting Sariel.
It could be he was worried about being a monster in a city where the other monsters were planning to do very bad things. Maybe he was thinking about Marsha’s stupid card prediction that said Seymour was going to die and was worried about him.
But then Seymour thought back to how Sariel had just reacted when Day mentioned Mr. Heiss and all the nasty shit Mr. Heiss had said back at the garage.
Yeah, so, probably that.
“Is it the kind of trouble you wanna maybe talk about?” Seymour asked gently. “Like, maybe Day eatin’ your bag of moldy dicks boss?”
Sariel pressed his lips together in a thin line. “Perhaps later.” He glanced past Seymour and then sighed heavily. “The king approaches.”
Seymour turned to see Zolrya strutting toward them with a tray piled high with food. It was nearly as much as Day had eaten. He immediately scooted over to make room. “Oh, uh, hey.”
“Hello!” Zolrya smiled sweetly as he sat down. “Oh, this is fun! I hardly ever get to share a mortal meal with anyone.”
“Talos isn’t a fan of Mickey D’s?”
“Mmm, only sometimes.” Zolrya placed a napkin in his lap. “He would have come today, but I think I exhausted him. Poor dear.”
“Sounds like a good time to me.” Seymour smiled politely, his gaze flicking to Sariel.
“Yes, a very good time,” Sariel echoed.
Day narrowed her eyes. “You’re all talking about sex again.”
Zolrya unwrapped a cheeseburger so he could take a dainty bite. He hummed happily and stomped his feet, heels clicking away. “Oh! Mmm! Perfect! You know, I can make this all day long myself, but it’s never the same.”
“Nothin’ like the real deal, I reckon.” Seymour’s palms were sweating. Trying to make small talk with someone who could turn him into a bouquet was stressful. “Maybe it’s those lil’ onions.”
“Mm. Could be!”
Seymour noted a lack of fries on Zolrya’s tray and offered his own. “You want some fries with that?”
“Ah, thank you!” Zolrya jabbed a few fries with a fork.
It was an actual metal fork, and it was simply there in his hand as if it had been here the whole time.
“You know, it’s real good if you put the fries on the burger.” Seymour set the box of fries down so Zolrya could help himself. “And oh, if you go to Wendy’s, dip your fries in your Frosty.”
“Really? How unusual.” Zolrya used his fork to peel off the top bun of his cheeseburger. He added a few fries in a neat row, asking, “So, how is your search for my beloved’s brain going?”
“Uh, it’s goin’.” Seymour forced a smile. “We beat up a bunch of the rebelly monsters and found out they’re stickin’ these beacons everywhere.”
“Beacons?”
“Yeah.” Seymour nodded at Day. “Can you show him, lil’ girl?”
Day stirred from her food coma long enough to pull out the crystal.
“Oh! Your little spirit friend?” Zolrya grinned as he reached out to take it. “I believe I can smell her. Very sweet.”
Right, because that wasn’t creepy at all.
“Yup.” Seymour chose to ignore the comment. “Her name is Day, Your Majesty.”
“A pleasure to meet you, Day.”
“Aw, it’s nice to meet you too!” Day smiled sleepily, but then she frowned. “Even though I’ve seen your butt.”
Seymour struggled not to laugh. “She says it’s nice to meet you too.”
Zolrya turned the crystal over curiously, pausing as he stared at the tiny object inside it. He gasped. “Le oliphant de Roland!”
“The elephant do what?”
“The horn of Roland,” Sariel said quickly. “A famous knight who died in battle, but not before blowing his horn to alert his allies to avenge him and his men.”
Day meowed softly. “He died…?”
“Fighting to his last breath.” Sariel gave Day a comforting squeeze. “He is considered a great hero.”