Chapter 18 #2
“It is said a piece of his soul passed through the horn on his way to heaven.” Zolrya cackled. “Can you believe it? How stupid.”
“So, it’s not… actually magical?” Seymour asked slowly.
“What? No, are you stupid? It is very magical.” Zolrya gave the crystal a shake and then held it up to his ear. He smiled, offering it out to Seymour. “Listen.”
Seymour copied what Zolrya had done, giving the crystal a good shake like it was one of those magical eight ball things. He held it up to his ear and was startled to hear faint tones, like the sound of distant wind chimes. “What the hell?”
Sariel took it next so he could listen too. “How curious.”
“What is it?” Seymour asked. “You’re a super smart, uh, faerie king. Bet you already know.”
“Of course, I do!” Zolrya giggled. “But it is so nice of you to acknowledge it.” He flicked his fingers at the crystal. “It’s the horn of a Leshy. A cute little forest fae who loves to sing.”
Sariel made a face that indicated a leshy was not cute or little.
“The magic of their song resonates still in their antlers, making for quite a powerful enchanted horn when crafted correctly.” Zolrya chewed on a fry. “Mmm, such a shame this is only a piece.”
“Is that what that sound is?” Seymour gestured to his ear. “That tone or whatever. Is that, uh, their magical song?”
“Oh, no. Normally, hearing that sound would mean you were going to die.” Zolrya chuckled. “Isn’t that funny?”
“Cool. So very cool.” Seymour tried to keep smiling, but now he had Marsha’s cheerful smile invading his brain. “And, so, what is that exactly?”
Zolrya wagged his brow. “What indeed?”
Sariel stared off in thought, and then he looked up at Zolrya. “Bluebells.”
“Very good, angel!” Zolrya nudged Seymour. “Do you know what those are, mortal?”
“Uh, no, sir.” Seymour coughed. “Your Highness. Majesty, sir. I’m guessin’, uh, a flower?”
“Yes! Good job. They’re native to Faerie, but they grow here wherever we’ve come through the veil that separates our worlds.” Zolrya grinned. “They’re a very special flower. They carry our magic with them.”
“Picking them or otherwise disturbing them is considered very unlucky,” Sariel said quietly. “Such acts of desecration can alert the faerie whose presence created the flowers or any others who are nearby when the veil is thin. My understanding is that this was often done to set a trap for mortals.”
“Right again, angel.” Zolrya clapped. “How fun this is! Mmm, I think they might be my favorite flower.”
Hearing Zolrya discuss any kind of flora so gleefully was concerning, so Seymour was quick to agree. “Uh-huh. Love those.”
“Do you know about bluebells, mortal?”
“No. I just really like flowers. Like, so much. Cannot get enough.”
“What’s your favorite?”
Seymour really, really did not want to answer this question. “Sunflowers, I guess.”
“Fitting.” Zolrya chuckled and picked up his cheeseburger to take another small bite. His eyes widened as he chewed. He took another bite, a bigger one, and moaned.
More bites, lots of moaning.
So much moaning that other customers were staring at them.
Day’s ear twitched, and she mumbled, “I’m going back in the Inro. Summon me if you need me to eat him.”
Seymour gave her a little wave before she vanished, and he offered Zolrya a friendly smile. “I take it that you approve?”
“Yes! This is incredible!” Zolrya unwrapped his next cheeseburger and immediately added a thick layer of fries. “Mmm, you must teach me all of your fast food secrets.”
“I do know a few.” Seymour chuckled, slowly letting himself relax.
It was easy to forget the terrible things Zolrya had done when he was actually being sort of cute. Seeing him so impressed by some fairly popular fast food combinations was weirdly endearing.
“You will show me,” Zolrya said firmly. “Yes?”
“Yeah, sure—” Seymour froze.
Sariel froze.
Zolrya kept eating.
Oh fuck.
What had Seymour just done?
“Just two,” Seymour was quick to add. “I got some secret stuff for Wendy’s and, uh, Arby’s. Sound good to you, Your Majesty?”
“Only those two, hmm?”
“Yes. Those two and nothing else.”
“All right!” Zolrya smiled. “Which one is closer?”
“Uh.” Seymour looked to Sariel.
“The Arby’s, I believe,” Sariel replied politely.
“Then to the Arby’s we will go.” Zolrya nodded as he took a reserved nibble of his burger. He hummed and then nodded, apparently having a thought and then agreeing with himself. “And the Wendy’s after that.”
“Uh, so…” Seymour stared at the rose on Zolrya’s jacket, wondering if it had been a person before. He coughed and put on a smile, saying, “Yup. Whatever you want, Your Majesty—for fast food! I mean for fast food. Yup. That’s what I said.”
Sariel sighed.
Seymour prayed to survive this without becoming a corsage…
Or something worse.
Arby’s was a lengthy visit because Zolrya had insisted on trying at least four different variations of baked potato to spread on his Classic Beef ’N Cheddar.
Seymour had first suggested butter and sour cream, and then he showed him how to mix it all up into a baked potato paste to apply to the underside of the top bun.
After that, however, Zolrya wanted to experiment with chives, Arby’s sauce, and ketchup.
A blend of butter, sour cream, and ketchup was declared the winner.
Wendy’s was decidedly brief since they were only here to sample a Frosty and french fries, and Zolrya even waited in line—like a peasant, he’d said, but otherwise he was very well behaved and no one lost any body parts or were turned into any form of flora.
Day emerged from within the Inro to sample a Frosty.
After tasting it, she sweetly asked for five more and then vanished.
“This is absolutely genius,” Zolrya praised as he ate the last of his fries, each carefully and methodically dipped into his Frosty.
“The sweetness harmonizes so perfectly with the saltiness of the fries. I am definitely bringing some home for my beloved Talos to try. He will be so happy!” He snorted softly.
“Well, he’ll be even happier once you find his brain, of course.
His head is simply not the same without it.
Oh! And me too. That one is my favorite. ”
“Let me guess.” Seymour smirked. “It was the one he had on when you first met?”
“Ah! Excellent taste in food and so smart.” Zolrya waved a fry at Seymour. “You really are quite impressive for a mortal. I understand now why Talos trusted you with this mission.”
Seymour was not going to point out that it was technically Zolrya who had wanted him to do this, but he was definitely not bringing up how Zolrya had considered getting laid more important than handling this personally at the time.
Nope.
Not about to do anything to upset the crazy faerie man.
“Thank you, Your Majesty.” Seymour passed the napkins over to Day as he sat back down beside Zolrya. “I sure am tryin’ my best.”
Zolrya eyed Seymour. “But do you feel your best right now?”
“Excuse me?”
“How can you try your best when you’re not feeling your best?” Zolrya stared at Seymore more intently, and the color of his eyes shifted between blue, green, and then a vivid darkness that swirled like a galaxy. “Something troubles you.”
“A lot troubles me.”
“Such as?”
You turning me into a petunia.
No, shit. He couldn’t say that.
“I had a weird tarot card readin’. Oracle card. Whatever.” Seymour decided that worked as a response since it was the truth. “Kinda got me on edge.”
Zolrya laughed in delight. “Oh! Mortals and their silly prognostication!”
“Prog-what now?”
“Ah, trying to divine the future. Hoping the right energy will lend itself to you and let you see your fate. It’s so cute.”
Seymour tried not to scowl. “Cute?”
“Well, sometimes the art is pretty, but they’re not much more than a passing amusement. You shouldn’t worry so.”
“Wait, they’re not actually, like, magical?”
Zolrya chuckled. “Can you catch starlight in a jar? Can you measure the joy in a baby’s laugh with a ruler, hmm? What about painting the sound of absolute silence?”
Seymour stared.
“Think of using those silly cards as trying to put your ear up to a door when there’s a fantastic party happening just on the other side of it.
Maybe you’ll catch a laugh or two, but do you really know why they’re laughing?
Perhaps there’s some grunting, but is that a man trying to dance or getting a blowjob under a table, hoping his wife does not notice?
Finding meaning in anything is easy, especially if you’re already looking for it. ”
“So.” Seymour tried to digest all of that. “You’re saying it’s bullshit.”
“I’m saying it’s the wrong tool.” Zolyra stroked the side of Seymour’s face. “You wouldn’t try to shave with a fish, would you?”
“Okay, fair. But what are the right tools then?”
Zolrya dipped his last fry into his Frosty, smiling smugly as he swirled it around. “I’m afraid such magic eludes mortals.”
“Not even one of them talking skulls?”
“Oh!” Zolrya gasped in delight. “You continue to impress me. Yes, a talking skull can be worth its weight in gold.”
“Okay, ’cause I know—”
“Unless they’ve gone insane. Which is very likely.”
“What?”
“Imagine the state of your mind if you were only a head for hundreds and thousands of years.” Zolrya grimaced. “Ugh. And no sex? No orgasms? No nothing?”
“That does sound pretty awful,” Seymour agreed, allowing himself a quick smirk over at Sariel.
Sariel offered only a tiny smile in return.
Yeah, something was definitely up.
“There!” Zolrya beamed. “Are you feeling better now?”
“Eh?” Seymour hadn’t been paying attention, and he had no idea what Zolrya was talking about. He didn’t understand a lot of what Zolrya said anyway, but he quickly tried to catch back up. “Oh! Yeah. Better. Much better.”
“But not your best?”
“I’ve had better days, that’s for sure.”
“You’re dirty, your shirt is covered in blood, and you smell.”
“Hey, now! I—” Seymour’s clothing had changed.
What the fuck?
He was now wearing a green plaid collared shirt, a dark brown vest, and a fresh pair of jeans. The top few buttons of his shirt were undone, and he was very certain that Zolrya had also changed his underwear.
Immediately, he checked his pockets.
Inro.
Wallet.
Keys.
Phone.
And oh yeah, that weird little bag Marsha had given—
“Here.” Zolrya reached out to touch Seymour’s collar, and a large sunflower appeared there.
“Oh, wow.” Seymour smiled down at it. It was bright, fresh, and smelled like a forest after a thunderstorm. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”
Fuck, he hoped this hadn’t been a person.
When Seymour looked back up, they were all standing outside the restaurant. It was dark now, and Zolrya’s smile seemed to glow like the glitter of lights and traffic around them. His skin had a greenish tint, maybe from a nearby green light or perhaps it was his true form bleeding through.
“Thank you for sharing your fast food secrets with me.” Zolrya giggled. “I had so much fun! I hope we can dine together again very soon.”
Seymour laughed nervously. “Yeah, sure. Anytime.”
Behind him, Sariel sighed.
Seymour didn’t know what had just happened, but he had the distinct impression that he had fucked up.
Badly.
“Take care of yourself, little mortal.” Zolrya smiled and lightly booped the end of Seymour’s nose. “I’ll let you know when I’m ready for our next dining adventure!” He waved to Sariel. “Take care of this one, hmm? I like him.”
Sariel bowed. “Yes, Your Majesty. That I can agree to.”
Day popped out beside Seymour’s leg, whispering loudly, “Is he leaving?”
“Mmhmm,” Seymour hummed quietly.
Zolrya looked around thoughtfully, and his gaze settled in Day’s general direction as if he had somehow sensed her presence. He smiled and bowed. “Ah, and farewell to you, spirit.”
“Bye!” Day hopped up on Seymour’s shoulder and then waved cheerfully. “I’m glad I didn’t see your butt!”
Seymour swallowed a laugh. “She says bye.”
“Farewell.” Zolrya smiled and wiggled his fingers, a faint flash of his faerie self appearing right before he vanished in a sweetly scented gust of wind.
Seymour let out a sigh of relief. “Holy fuck.” He froze. “He is really gone, right? Like, poof, back to Faerie land?”
“Yes, I believe so.” Sariel wrapped his arms around Seymour. “Are you all right?”
“Well, I didn’t get turned into anythin’ that requires a diet of Miracle Grow, so I’m gonna take it as a win.”
Day nodded. “And we didn’t see any butts.”
“Yeah, but…” Seymour cringed. “What I said to him about anytime? Does this mean I gotta have fast food dates from now on with a crazy ass faerie king?”
Sariel made a face. “Yes, I am afraid so.”
“Fuck me.” Seymour groaned.
“Unfortunately, words are binding with faeries.” Sariel gave Seymour a small squeeze. “I am very sorry, my stella. You really need to be careful and stop thanking them. That also creates a debt.”
“Fuckin’ hellfire.”
“Perhaps he will not call on you again. He could become distracted and forget.”
“Let’s be real.” Seymour barked out a short laugh. “With the way this whole fucked-up crazy week has been goin’, I am not that fuckin’ lucky. Next, he’ll probably wanna go to fuckin’ Disney World or some shit.” He rubbed his hands over his face and groaned loudly. “Fuckin’ hell fuckin’ fire.”
“Shall we go to the park now?”
“Sure, why not? Maybe we’ll run into the fuckin’ Boogeyman and he’ll want to try every goddamn pizza.”
“Seymour, he is out of town on vacation. I have heard he does enjoy Italian cuisine though.”
“Daddy, I was really hopin’ you would just say no.”