Chapter Two
Raffe
“Dad. Dad, wake up.”
I sit up straight. “What? What is it? What’s wrong?”
Jackson chuckles in my face, grabbing me by my arms. “Chill out, old man. I was just waking you for supper. Grandma and Ray are here.”
My eyes flit around the room, and he releases me. “Fuck. How long was I out?”
“Willow said you’ve been asleep for five hours.”
My eyebrows jump in surprise. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
I glance behind me, looking for Aspen.
Jackson laughs. “I wish she took five-hour naps, but no such luck. She’s been up and at ‘em for a while now.”
“Dammit. I was supposed to be keeping an eye on her for Willow.”
He pats me on the back as we jog down the stairs. “Don’t worry about it. You must have needed the sleep.”
Everyone is already sitting around the table.
“Papa. Papa.” Aspen immediately points in the direction of the empty chair beside her.
I shake Ray’s hand and give Grandma a kiss on the cheek before settling beside my little princess.
“So,” Ray begins after we’ve finished our meal and are starting on dessert. “Maggie and I have something we need to talk to you all about.”
Jackson fills his plate. “Oh yeah? What’s that?”
“Well, I’ve asked her to marry me.”
My son’s eyebrows jump off his face. “Whoa now, mister. My grandma’s not that type of girl.”
Maggie rolls her eyes. “Where’s my flyswatter, boy?” She pretends to look around.
Jackson chuckles and hops from his chair to hug his grandmother. “Aw Grandma, I’m just teasing you. I’m real happy for you.”
“Let me see the ring!” Willow squeals.
I have a feeling she already knew about all of this. She takes Grandma Maggie’s hand to admire the rock on her ring finger.
“Ray and I are moving back to the farm,” she tells Jackson, and his face falls.
It makes the old woman cackle. “Oh, the look on your face.”
He squeezes her again. “Grandma, don’t be teasing me like that. I mean, I know this is your house and all, but Willow and I have grown pretty attached to her.”
She pats his cheek. “I know you have. I wouldn’t dream of taking Aspen away from her home. She’s going to have the best childhood here.”
Jackson goes back to his chair.
“Ray and I are buying Ash’s tiny house. We’re going to move it between their new house and here. That way this grandma will be right in the middle to help with all of the great-grandbabies we’re going to have.”
“That’s an awfully small place,” I tell her.
Ray speaks up. “I’ve got the plans all laid out. We’re going to add a couple of rooms to it. Make it a little more accessible for us old folks.” He chuckles. “I mean, I love living with your sister ...” He looks at Jackson.
Jackson holds his hands up. “You’ve dealt with Lily way longer than I would have.”
“What are you two talking about? Lily is the sweetest,” Willow rushes to defend her sister-in-law.
“She is, she is,” Ray agrees. “I love her beyond words, but I’m sorry, that girl can’t cook.”
Everyone laughs but Willow. Her heart is so soft.
“Ray,” she scolds gently.
“Naw, I’ve loved living there, but they would probably like their privacy back. And I know Maggie here misses the farm, and all of you more than anything. This will be good for us.”
“For all of us,” Willow agrees clapping her hands. “I’m so excited.”
I push my cheesecake around on my plate, listening to the happy chatter around the table. Everyone is moving forward with life. Everyone but me.
After we clean up, we all move outside to enjoy the beautiful evening. I play with Aspen while the two couples chat by the fire. She’s chasing the chickens around. I sigh, watching the four of them talk easily with each other. It makes me miss having a partner. I’m back to being a third wheel.
Aspen picks up a chicken. “Papa, this is Rosie.”
It makes me laugh. “Her name is Rosie, huh?”
She nods.
“Did Daddy name her?”
Again, she nods, squeezing the poor bird around the neck.
“Here, baby, don’t hold her so tight. Rosie can’t breathe.”
Her brows pull together when she realizes she’s being too rough. She kisses the bird on the head. “I sowwy, Rosie.”
My thumb brushes over the freckles on her nose, and my heart squeezes painfully.
If I thought watching Jackson grow up made me miss Jenny, it’s nothing compared to witnessing my granddaughter reach milestones. She’s the spitting image of her grandmother. It almost makes me believe in reincarnation.
One thought spirals into the next. I shouldn’t be missing Jenny. I should be missing Rachel.
I look up at the sky. This was Rachel’s favorite time of day. I rub my hand over my heart in an attempt to ease the pain. Missing Rachel is different from Jenny. It’s a sharper grief. The kind that steals your breath and laughs in your face as you struggle for air.
Fuck. I’m so fucked up.
It was easier when Rachel was here. I loved her. She was alive and vibrant in front of me. She was my tangible love. The kind of love you can literally hold in your hands.
And Jenny. Jenny was a love I kept tucked away in my heart. I didn’t love one more than the other. They were just different kinds of love.
I didn’t hide this from Rachel. She knew I held a love for Jenny inside me. We talked about it many times. Now that they’re both there, hiding away in my heart, it feels wrong. I’m trying not to think about one more than the other. It’s been a tough balancing act.
I reach into my pocket and pull out the amethyst I found earlier. I hold it up to the setting sun. Purple … Jenny’s favorite color.
Aspen drops her chicken and hurries over to me, plopping herself onto my lap. She wants to see the pretty crystal too.
Her little gasp when the sun catches it damn near takes me out. She claps her hands excitedly, just like her mother. “It’s so pretty,” her sweet little voice coos.
I was really hoping it was Aspen and Willow who left it at Rachel’s grave, but her reaction tells me this is the first time she’s seen it.
When I let her hold the stone in her hand, she runs her tiny fingers over it. Once she’s examined every side, she holds it back up to the light. She closes one eye and then the other, studying it carefully. Aspen absorbs the world differently than most children. Jenny was the same.
Maggie walks up to us. “What do you have there?”
Aspen jumps from my lap to show her.
“Oh, it’s an amethyst.”
Aspen shakes her head in the negative. “It’s a rock, memaw.”
Maggie laughs. “You’re right.”
My granddaughter hands it back to me before running off to catch another critter. This time she’s chasing down a baby goat.
“That girl looks just like my Jenny,” she says as I pull my aching body from the ground.
God, I’m getting old, but that’s not why I wince. I really don’t need to be reminded of how much Aspen looks like Maggie’s daughter. I see it more and more each day.
She watches me toss the amethyst in my hand.
“Where did you find that?” she asks.
I catch it in the palm of my hand before fisting it. “I found it on Rachel’s headstone.”
“My Jenny used to love all sorts of crystals.” Her eyes light up when she talks about her. “I think I have a box of them up in the attic.” She grabs my hand and pulls me toward the house. “Keep an eye on the baby. Raffe’s going to help me look for something,” she tells Jackson as we pass him.
Inside, I reluctantly pull down the attic stairs and follow up behind her. She tugs on the light hanging in the center of the room and glances around. “All of Jenny’s stuff is over here.” She guides me to the back half of the attic where everything is covered in dust.
“Does Jackson know all of this is up here?”
Maggie looks away, guilty. “He does, but I told him not to be messing with it. It will all go to him someday, but … I haven’t been ready to go through it.”
“And you are today?”
“This is a start.”
I hold my hands up. “Hey, I’ve got no room to talk. I haven’t touched a thing of Rachel’s.”
“There is no time limit on grief.” She begins looking in boxes. “Oh, here it is!”
When she hands it to me, I chuckle. It’s an old Doc Marten shoe box that says STAY OUT in big bold letters on the lid.
“I’ve never looked inside. I only opened it to store all her crystals and the other trinkets she had on her dresser when Harold and I moved to the farm.”
When we get downstairs, we sit side by side on the couch. I guess it’s nice having someone to talk with about Jenny. Maggie and Lily are the only two people I know who knew her.
Her gaze bounces over my face when I try to hand her the box, and she pushes it away. “No, honey. I want you to have it.”
My head pulls back. “Maggie. No. This is yours. If you don’t want it, it should go to Jackson.”
She makes a clucking noise in the back of her throat. “Do you think a fourteen-year-old girl would want her mom rummaging through her most private things … or her son?”
“Yeah, I see what you’re saying, but still.”
“Raffe, if there is something in there you think Jackson or I need to see, then you let us know.”
“You’re sure?”
She nods.
“I don’t know. It feels like I’m betraying Rachel in some way.”
“You can miss both of them, Raffe.”
“But …”
“It’s okay to miss one more than the other, especially on certain days. Today is a special day, isn’t it?”
I swallow hard and nod.
“She loved the summer solstice,” Maggie says, wiping her cheeks.
I chuckle sadly. “If I close my eyes, I can see her spinning with her arms spread wide, the sun on her face. She’s wearing the prettiest dress.”
“The white one with the little purple flowers?”
“That’s the one.”
“I made her that dress. It was supposed to have been for Easter, but that girl refused. She said, “Mama, this is a perfect solstice dress.” Harold didn’t like that kind of talk. You know, he was a religious man.”
“He was a hard man,” I agree, nodding my head. “She made me take a Polaroid of her that day.”
Grandma Maggie smiles wide and pats the box. “I think you’re in for a treat when you open this.”
“It’s in here, isn’t it?”
“It is. It was hanging …”
“On her dresser mirror,” I finish for her.
“And how do you know that? I had a strict no boys in the bedroom rule.”
My eyebrows fly off my face when I realize my mistake. “I mean.” I scratch my head, trying to come up with a good excuse. “It was just a good guess.”
She chuckles, and I relax. “That was a long time ago, dear.”
“It was. It was.” I tap my fingers over the box. “Thank you for this.”
“Go. Spend some time with her on this solstice, and don’t you feel guilty about it.”
“Rachel used to send me up to Dirk’s cabin on this day every year.” My head falls. “God, she was such an amazing woman.”
When Maggie remains quiet, I glance at her. Her brows are pulled together, and she’s rubbing her forehead. “Rachel was …” Her words trail off.
“Maggie are you okay?” I wrap my arm around her.
She has tears in her eyes. “It’s just been a long and surprising week.”
“Yeah, I bet. Let’s see that ring,” I say, in an attempt to lighten the mood. I pull her hand in front of my face. “Wow. Look at that rock.” I whistle, and she blushes.
“I told him it was too much.”
“Blasphemy,” I say.
She fans herself. “He’s a big spender.”
We both laugh, and I’ll admit it feels good.
Again, I’m reminded how much Jenny has given me in this life … she’s given me an entire family.