Chapter Nineteen
Jackson
Dad is still MIA, but I have a feeling Ray knows where he is. He’s assured me that he’s okay.
I don’t know why my dad would have reached out to Ray over his friends, but it’s proof that he has become a father figure to him. It makes me happy, because I know it’s something my dad never had. His parents were both killed in a car accident shortly after he ran away with my mom.
I pause my thoughts and take a deep breath before knocking on the door. When she doesn’t answer, I take a peek inside through the window. Maybe she ran. Her letter said she wouldn’t hide from me, but maybe she changed her mind.
Honestly, I can’t say I blame her after witnessing how terribly my dad reacted to the news.
Nothing looks amiss. The house is still furnished.
I walk around the yard, bending down to pet the fattest cat I’ve ever seen in my life. “Hey, buddy,” I say quietly as he rubs against my leg, leaving orange hair on my jeans.
“His name is Garfield,” a soft voice says from somewhere in the trees.
I stand slowly, my gaze searching for her.
When she steps into view, my breath catches in my throat. I’ve seen pictures of her. Of course she was much younger back then, but I think she’s even prettier now.
We stare at each other awkwardly. Me with my hands in my pockets, hers wrapped tightly in her skirt.
“You’re so tall,” she notes quietly.
“Six three,” I tell her.
Her blue eyes sparkle in the bright sun. “I hope you haven’t been waiting long. I was just out talking to my tree.” She points to the forest behind her.
A laugh escapes me, and her brows furrow just like Aspen’s do when I tease her. It tugs at something deep in my chest.
“I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you. It’s just my wife has a tree too. Well, I should say trees. She talks to them all.”
A small smile tugs at the corner of her mouth. “I was hoping you’d come.” She pauses to scratch her head. “My mom, um, your grandma said you like cookies. I have some in the house. That is if you have time.”
It kills me that she’s so nervous. “Yeah. Fuck, I mean, yeah, I like cookies. Who doesn’t?”
She laughs and cautiously starts toward me. When she gets a few steps away, I slowly open my arms wide.
Her bare feet slow to a stop in front of me. “You … you don’t have to do this,” she whispers, dropping her gaze to stare at the ground.
“I know you don’t know me yet, but I’m kind of a hugger,” I say quietly.
“I’ve dreamed of this moment your entire life.”
“Me too, but in my dream we both had halos. Well, mine were held up by horns, but hey, the big guy let me in despite them.”
It makes her let out a sad laugh. “Grandma told me you were funny. Your friend, Brody, he disagreed, but I had a feeling she was right.”
“That’s because Brody thinks he’s funnier than me. He also thinks he’s taller, but we all know that’s not true.”
She chuckles again, because Brody is a damn giant.
Her laughter is nice. It’s nothing like I imagined, but I don’t have time to think about any of that because she steps into my arms, wrapping hers around me.
My heart lets out a ginormous sigh as I hug her. She went through so much to bring me into this world. I owe her a warm welcome, no matter what anyone else thinks. She’s my angel mom. Finding out she’s alive doesn’t change that in my mind.
I run my hand down her hair as she cries quietly against my chest.
“So, the cat, does he eat lasagna like the real Garfield?”
She laughs.
Yeah, we’re going to get along just fine.
“He’ll eat anything he can get away with.”
“Maybe we should change his name to Brody.”
Her laughter fills the air. She leans away so she can look up at me. “Thank you, Jackson. I can tell your parents raised you to be a kind and generous person. You’re making this very easy for me.”
I glance away, struggling to swallow the ball of emotion that suddenly lodged in my throat. “Yeah, I guess they did a pretty good job. Thanks for that. You picked good ones.”
She hugs me again. “I’m so sorry you lost her.”
“Naw, I didn’t lose her. She’s up there doing her mom thing behind the scenes. It’s kind of like you guys switched places.”
The way she steps away from me hurts my heart. Fuck, I’m sure that sounded crazy and more than a little morbid. Ugh, I wish Willow was here. She’s the only one who can keep me from putting my foot in my mouth.
I try to explain myself better. “I never really felt like I lost you, either. I’ve always felt you were near, and Mom always made sure I knew you were thinking about me.”
Her hand goes to her throat. “You’ve been on my mind every single day. You’re my first thought each morning and my last every night.”
“See. Now she’s up there doing all that, and you’re down here hugging me. You’ve swapped places.”
She looks at the ground. “How did I get so lucky to have such an amazing son?”
“I don’t know, but if I was you, I’d go get yourself a lottery ticket.”
Her eyes meet mine, and she smiles wide. “Come on. We’ve got a lot of catching up to do. I want to know everything about you.”
I make a cringy face, and she laughs.
“Okay, so not everything.”
“Naw, you’ll probably learn more about me than you’d like. I’m a bit of an oversharer, just ask my wife.”
“I can’t wait to meet her …” She pauses with her mouth open.
I understand the hesitation in her pause. I need to assure her that she is welcome in my life. “She can’t wait to meet you either.”
She blinks back tears and turns to head inside, waving for me to follow. “If you see me pinching myself it’s because I’m having a hard time believing this is happening.”
Walking inside her home is like stepping into a warm hug. “Oh my god. This place is cool. Willow is going to love it.”
I move around her space freely, feeling right at home. I drop to the couch and lift my foot to place it on the coffee table when I hear my grandmother’s voice: “Get your feet off the table, boy. It’s bad manners.” I let it fall to the floor instead.
My mom rushes around the kitchen, fixing me a plate. “Do you like milk?”
“Fu … I mean, yes. Yes, ma’am.”
She chuckles, shaking her head. “Flyswatter trauma is a real thing, isn’t it?”
“Grandma got you too?”
“I used to have a mouth like a sailor. How do you think she got so good at wielding that thing?”
We laugh and it feels good. Right. Almost like we’ve been doing it our entire lives.
Daisy gave me some solid advice on how to meet your mother for the first time. She told me to just be myself, and that seems to be paying off.
“How is she? I’ve been worried about her ever since she found me here.”
“She’s fine. Ray keeps her busy.”
My mom sets a big plate of cookies in front of me and a big glass of the white stuff.
“It’s fresh. There’s a man in town who delivers it. Best milk you’ll ever taste.”
I take a long drink. “Oh, man, that shit is fucking good. I don’t think I’ve ever tried raw milk.”
“I know. I’m obsessed. So, tell me about Aspen.”
She relaxes on the couch as I start talking animatedly about my daughter. It doesn’t seem to bother her that I can’t sit still. I walk around the room, admiring all of her things as I yap on and on and on.
I like the way she follows me with her eyes and laughs and nods at the appropriate times. It helps me know she’s really listening.
“Do you like being president of the club?”
“Love it. I learned from the best of the best, my uncle Dirk.”
“He’s Rachel’s brother?”
“Yeah, he and Dad are best friends.”
For the first time all day she fidgets nervously with the fringe on the pillow she’s been hugging.
“Does he …” She pauses and looks away. “Does he know?”
I sit down beside her. I’ve avoided talking about Dad all night, but I can’t put it off forever. “He does. Although I think my mom wanted him to find out a little differently than he did. He overheard me.”
“Oh, Jackson. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. I don’t think it would have mattered how he found out.”
She swallows hard. “So, he didn’t take it well?”
“He didn’t, but I’m sure he’ll come home soon.”
“He left? Oh my god. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, it’s okay. His feelings aren’t going to affect our relationship.”
“But he’s your father. I never want to come between the two of you.”
“You won’t.”
“He ran, Jackson.” She sits forward, looking like she doesn’t know which way to turn. “I don’t know about this.”
I place my hand on her arm. “Mom, stop. He’s a good guy. He isn’t going to stay away forever. He just needs a little time. I promise you. He’s not going to have a problem with this.” I let go of her to motion between us.
The look on her face tells me she doesn’t believe me, but that’s okay. I’ll lead if I have to, because I’m not going to let either of us waste any more time. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that none of us are promised tomorrow.
“I’ve got pictures of Aspen on my phone. Would you like to see them?”
That is the distraction I needed because her face instantly changes. “Oh, I would love to.”
“Good, because I love showing her off.”
An excited smile pulls at her face as she settles in next to me.
I zoom in on the first photo. “She has the same little heart shape birthmark that you do,” I say, pointing to her face.
Her fingers go to her cheek.
“She’s going to love you. I can’t lie though, she kind of loves everyone.” I laugh. “She’s got a soft heart like her mother.”
“I feel incredibly honored that you’ve even considered letting me meet her.”
“Why wouldn’t I? You’re her grandmother.”
She covers her face with both of her hands. “This is going so much better than I ever imagined,” she mumbles.
I pull her hands down. “Why don’t you come home with me? You could stay with us a while.”
The look on her face has me instantly regretting my offer.
“Hey, it’s okay. It was just a thought.”
She chews at her bottom lip. “I would love to, but …”
“It’s fine, Mom.”
“I want to. I really do, but I’m scared to leave.” Her gaze roams over her home. “I’ve never been away for longer than an afternoon, and that’s not been very often. I can count on two hands the number of times I’ve been past the front gate,” she admits quietly.
My eyes widen in surprise, but then I remember everything she’s been through. “Oh, gosh. I’m sorry.”
She sits up straight. “Don’t you ever apologize to me.
You could walk out right now and never look back, and you would have nothing to apologize for.
You could call me by every name in the book and still you would have nothing to be sorry for.
I take full responsibility for everything that’s happened in my life. ”
Her gaze bounces over my face and her eyebrows jump in surprise as if she’s just realized something. “Did … did you just call me Mom?”
“Yeah. Is that okay? It’s what I’ve always called you.”
She sucks in a shaky breath. “I’m not sure I deserve that title.”
I understand her hesitation in accepting all of this. She’s hid from me my entire life. I could spend my time being angry about that, but what good would it do? Naw, I’m not going to do that to myself.
“What title have you been using for me?” I ask bluntly.
She blinks at me. “I call you my son,” she says hesitantly.
I know she thinks she’s wrong for being so presumptuous to refer to me as hers, but it’s everything I wanted … maybe even needed to hear.
I shrug my shoulders. “Sounds pretty simple to me. We’re mother and son, but I want to be more than that. I want to be friends.”
“I want that too.” She takes a deep breath and looks me in the eye. “I’m sorry I can’t come home with you right now, but I will work toward that goal if it means getting to spend time with you.”
The fact she’s willing to face her fears to build a relationship with me means more than anything. I know how hard it can be, but I do want her to be with me, so I’m going to hold her to that. She shouldn’t be up here all alone.
“Thank you. I have so much I want to share with you back home, but until you feel safe enough to leave, I will come to you.”
Her eyes fill with tears. “You remind me so much of Raffe.”
The way she whispers my father’s name makes me pause. There’s an ache in her voice. Her fingers roam over her throat, and I lose her to her memories.
She misses him.
I don’t know why this is such a revelation to me. I guess I’ve never really thought about the relationship between Jenny and my dad.
Is this what my mom was talking about in her letter when she said she had reasons she wasn’t proud of?
“That’s funny, because he says the same thing about you,” I tell her, watching her reaction closely.
Her cheeks flush, and she shyly dips her head.
A tug pulls at my chest. Oh, Momma. You saw it too, didn’t you?