Chapter Twenty
Raffe
My hands ache as Ray rewraps them. He pats my face when he’s finished. “Again,” he orders.
I pummel the punching bag he’s hung in a tree.
Ray has come up the mountain every day since bringing me here. At first it pissed me off, but now that the alcohol and brain fog are starting to clear, I realize I’m lucky he’s still showing up.
I’ve been a miserable piece of shit for the past two fucking years, not to mention the past two weeks. I’ve been a straight up dick. The rage I’d been feeling has faded, but I don’t know what to replace it with.
“I was talking to Dan last night, and he was telling me the story of how you and Lily connected over this Jenny gal.”
I roll my eyes, moving to the other side of the bag to avoid talking to him.
“Dan said he’d never seen you so destroyed as when you learned she had passed.”
My silence should indicate this is a subject I don’t want to discuss, but I guess Ray wants to poke the bear.
“He said you’d never stopped looking for her until then.”
“Yeah, well, when you’re told someone’s dead, you tend to believe them.”
“Lily truly thought she was gone. From what I understand that was what Jenny wanted her and everyone else to believe.”
There it is. There’s that last little bit of rage I had tucked away. “Why would she hide her from me? Why?” The bag and my fists take the brunt of my frustration.
When I’m drained, and lying on my back staring up at the clouds, he leans over my face.
“Clean up and I’ll fix you something to eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“And I’m not leaving until I see you put some food in your stomach.” He helps me to my feet and continues to help with my gloves. “Have you read her letter yet?”
“No.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t keep everyone at bay for much longer. You’re going to be getting some visitors soon.”
“I’ll find somewhere else to go.”
“You’re mad at Rachel, so why are you punishing your entire family?”
“She made me look like a fool!” I yell, backing away from him.
“No. You’re doing that all on your own,” he says calmly before walking away.
I bend over, bracing my hands on my knees. “Fuck!” I yell.
I’ve got to figure out a way to let this go if I’m ever going to be able to see my son and granddaughter again.
When I get inside, Ray has the cabin smelling wonderful. He watches me head to the bathroom to shower.
“Raffe,” he says before I close the door, “I’m not going to let you lose your family over this. I love you all too much to let that happen.”
The lump in my throat prevents me from saying anything back to him. I just close the door quietly. When I come back out, Ray’s gone but I’m not alone.
“Took you long enough,” I say.
Dirk doesn’t laugh. “You don’t get to be mad at my sister,” he says.
I brace my hand against the doorframe. “She lied to me. She lied to all of us.”
He stands up. “And you haven’t been?”
“Fuck no, I haven’t.”
In one swift motion he has me pinned to the ground on my back.
“Get the fuck off me!”
“You never loved Rachel. You don’t think she saw that?” he yells, spitting in my face.
I try to push him away. “Fuck you.”
“No, fuck you.” He shoves off me. “I don’t know if I can forgive you for this.”
“Forgive me? I haven’t done anything wrong!”
He paces around the room. “She knew you’d leave her if you found out Jenny was alive. Fuck, she had to carry that around all by herself. For once put yourself in her shoes.”
“You don’t know that. She didn’t know that.” I spin in a circle. “Fuck, Dirk, she didn’t even give me a chance to be loyal to her.”
“You used me to forget about Jenny, and then Jesse, and then Rachel.”
My gaze snaps to his. “Is that what you really think?”
His hands rest on his hips, and he shakes his head without answering. “You don’t get to make her look like the bad guy,” he says, walking toward the door. “She’s not the one who chose to stay away from you. That was Jenny.”
Dirk is the most ruthless man I’ve ever met. His venomous words are meant to sting, and they do.
Two can play this game. “Maybe you’re the one who’s jealous, because your wife can’t seem to stay away from me.”
He stops at the door but doesn’t turn around. “I should kill you for that.”
“Do it.”
“Naw. I’m not going to let you off that easy.”
When the door closes behind him, I collapse on the floor. My entire life is falling apart, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I rush up the stairs and watch as Dirk shrugs Ray off. The regret of my words tips the scale, making me feel off kilter. I should go down and correct the imbalance right now.
Panic rises as the man who’s been my beacon, my north star, my tether starts his truck. Why does it feel like there’s suddenly an earthquake under my feet? The gravel crunches beneath the tires as he pulls away.
I inhale deeply, filling my lungs with a great feeling of aloneness. He left … I shouldn’t have said those things, but he’s wrong. I know he’s wrong. I pull the letter from his sister out of my pocket.
Raffe,
I’m sorry for leading you to believe that I was a better person than I was, but what I’m not sorry for is keeping you to myself.
My hand falls onto my lap. Dirk was right. She thought I’d leave her.
Would I have left?
Honestly, I don’t know. For years I bargained with God and then with the Devil himself to bring Jenny back to me. Neither of them took the deal. I told myself it was because I wasn’t worthy enough for either Heaven or Hell to fight for me. I’m still not sure I am.
My gaze goes back to the piece of paper in my hand.
You never made me feel any less than or unloved, but I saw the ember you hid in your heart for her. Please don’t think this letter is to make you feel bad about that or to make an excuse for my choice. The heart wants what it wants … mine wanted you.
I didn’t hide your love from her, and she didn’t hide her love for you from me. We were very honest with each other, but she wasn’t in a good place, Raffe. She wanted to be alone. She wanted stillness. She needed healing. My hope is that she’s found it.
I saved her life because of her love for you and Jackson. It rivaled my own. I couldn’t let that die.
I’ll never regret loving you. You gave me the best life. Please don’t stop living yours.
Love always, Rachel
My head falls against the wall as Ray walks into the room.
“Come on. I’m still not leaving until you eat,” he says, pulling me to my feet.
My wife thought I’d abandon her. I wouldn’t have done that. She’s the woman who got me on my feet again. She saved my life.
I would never have betrayed her or Dirk in that way. I love them and their stupid mood ring eyes more than either of them will ever know.