Chapter Thirty-Nine
Jenny
Aspen snuggles between us as we settle in to watch a movie before bed. Raffe yawns, and I feel bad; he’s been up all night. “You don’t have to stay here. I’ll be fine,” I whisper.
He shakes his head. “I’m good.”
One thing I’m quickly learning is that the Skulls are stubborn.
Aspen smiles at me. “Look, Nana, this is the spooky part.”
“When was the last time you watched a movie?” Jackson asks, sitting on the couch with Willow behind us.
“Longer than you’ve been alive.”
“That’s just fucking crazy,” he replies.
“Shh,” Aspen says, covering her mouth with her finger. It makes all of us chuckle. This girl is serious about her movie.
Raffe lays his arm above Aspen’s head and begins to scratch his nails lightly over my scalp. His eyes meet mine, and we exchange smiles. This is nice. Again, better than anything I imagined.
Garfield is wedged against Aspen’s side.
She has one arm around him, the other around her babydoll.
I think she’s officially adopted both. After spending the day with her here on the farm, I realize she has a special connection to animals.
Actually, the girl loves everything and is afraid of very little.
Willow and Jackson are going to have their hands full someday.
When the movie ends and Aspen is fast asleep, Willow and Jackson sneak up to bed.
“Goodnight, Jenny,” Raffe says quietly, and I wonder how he’s still awake. They were at my house so late, and then …
“Goodnight, Raffe.” I turn away from him and Aspen. The day is finally catching up to me, and my mind is beginning to race.
I’m stuck here. I can never go home. It’s gone. It’s all gone.
I don’t know why I told Jesse I could do this, because I can’t. At some point I’m going to have to leave Jackson’s house. I can’t stay here forever. They have Aspen and another baby on the way. There’s no room, and even if there was, I don’t want to invade their home.
Oh my god. I agreed to stay at the warehouse. What was I thinking!
Suddenly, Raffe is in my face as he slides under my blanket. “Don’t think about it right now,” he whispers, pulling me close.
I begin to tremble in his arms, and no matter how hard I try to control it, I can’t. “I tried so hard to keep my composure all day for Jackson, but I’m so scared. I don’t know why I let her do it.” My tears come hard and fast, but he holds me strong.
“So, it was Jesse. You let her set your house on fire?”
I nod. “I didn’t know fire would be involved, but I knew she was going to do something drastic. Why did I do that? Why?” My fears rise to the surface with the finality of my situation. Jesse made sure I could never go back.
“You did it for us,” he whispers. “You did it for Jackson, and Aspen, and your mother.” The calm and steady rumble of his voice makes me feel a tiny bit better. “And Brody, and Jack, and Lily …” he continues to ramble off names, but I quit listening after Lily.
She still hasn’t come to see me. I’m sure she’s angry at me for leaving her alone in that house of horrors with her father and Benjamin. I shiver against Raffe, and he hugs me tighter.
“I think I’ve made a mistake. Maybe I should go somewhere else.”
“Where else would you go?”
“I could stay at John’s. He and his wife said they’d take me in.”
“Jenny, I’m not letting you go.” His fingers trail over my face lightly. “I’m never letting you go again.”
“I don’t think I can stay at the warehouse,” I tell him honestly.
“I’ll be there too. Right across the hall,” he says.
“You don’t have a house?”
“I do, but it’s empty and cold. I have a room at the warehouse. It’s where I’ve lived the past two years.”
“This isn’t going to be easy for me, Raffe. I don’t think you’ve thought this through. I don’t think any of us have thought this through.”
“Shhh, go to sleep,” he says. “You worry too much.”
His fingers trail over my eyes, forcing them to close.
“I’m going to be there with you every step of the way. I’ll hold your hand twenty-four-seven if I have to, but we’ll get through it together.”
“The holding hands part doesn’t sound so bad,” I admit without opening my eyes.
He laughs quietly, careful not to wake our granddaughter. He starts to hum softly, and everything seems to break away thought by thought.
Just as I’m about to drift off, he whispers, “You’re right where you belong.”
My head wants to argue, my heart wants to cry, but my soul simply agrees.
Sometime in the night, I wake up feeling like I can’t breathe. I quietly pad through the kitchen with bare feet and open the back door. Jackson is sitting on the steps, having a cigarette.
“Do you mind if I join you?” I ask.
He smiles wide and turns to me. “If you don’t mind my bad habit,” he says.
I carefully close the screen door and sit down beside him.
“I saw Grandpa’s cello in the corner of the living room. Did you ever get to hear him play?” I ask.
“All the time. He even taught me.”
My brows jump in surprise. “Really. Do you enjoy playing?”
“I do. For a long time it was the only thing that quieted, or at the very least, slowed my mind.”
The crickets chirp and an occasional frog croaks in the distance as I take a walk down memory lane, recalling my father playing for me when I was a kid. “He tried to teach me too, but I was never very good at it. I don’t have a musical bone in my body, but I loved listening to him play.”
“He was a quiet guy,” Jackson remembers fondly.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Sometimes it’s hard for me to accept the consequences of my actions. “I was a terrible daughter to him,” I admit, thinking of all the times I disobeyed him. “Thank you for being kind to him and Grandma.”
“I heard you crying earlier,” he says, completely changing the subject.
“Oh, I was …”
Jackson stops me. “I know this isn’t easy, Mom. You don’t have to pretend to be okay for my benefit. I'm strong enough to handle your feelings.”
He’s right. He’s not a child, and I promised him that I would never hide from him again. “I’m terrified. I have nothing to fall back on if this doesn’t work out.”
He drapes his arm around me. “It’s going to work out.
The club doesn’t let anyone fail. It’s the best thing about being in the Skulls.
You always have someone to help you fight your battles.
It might take a little time to earn everyone’s trust, but I promise if you’ll just be yourself, everything will fall into place. ”
“Daddy,” Aspen says from behind us.
He drops the cigarette and stomps it out before going to the door and opening it. “What’s wrong, honey?”
“I want Mommy,” she says sleepily, rubbing her eyes.
“Okay, I’ll take you to Mommy.” He turns to me.
“I’ll be fine. Go on. Go back to bed.” When he hovers by the door, I give him a smile. “I’m good. Really.”
“We’ll see you in the morning,” he says, finally giving in.
My gaze wanders over to the dragonfly on the barn. I’ve always loved dragonflies. I’m happy that my mom finally got the little farm she always wanted.
When I see headlights shining against the trees, headed down the path toward the hogs, I slowly inch back into the shadows. Maybe I should wake Raffe, but as soon as the person gets out of the truck, I know who it is. The man is ginormous.
It takes me a few seconds before I realize what he’s up to. He’s disposing of a body.
I hurry down the steps toward him.
“If you don’t like blood and guts, I advise you stay back,” he says, not turning to look at me.
I stop in my tracks. “How did you know I was coming?”
“I’ve got good ears. It comes from raising three teenagers.”
I’m not squeamish by any means, but I don’t know if I really want to see what they did to Benjamin.
“Is it ...?”
“It is. I waited till the middle of the night for a reason. You’re supposed to be asleep. What has you up?” He hefts the bag over the fence then climbs over, straddling the top rail. He reaches down to cut it open with his knife. The sound it makes turns my stomach.
“Is Lily mad at me?” I ask once he’s finished, hurrying after him as he walks over to the water spigot to wash his hands.
“Why would you think she’s mad at you?”
“Because I left her.”
Water droplets fly off his hands as he shakes them dry. He pulls a rag from his pocket to finish the job. “Ah, honey, she isn’t mad at you.” He looks up at the house and waves.
My gaze follows his. Jackson is leaning out the door, watching us.
His attention turns back to me. “Do you want to go for a drive? There’s a little gas station that stays open all night. We could get ourselves a cup of stale coffee and a day-old donut and talk.”
“Oh, you must be tired. I don’t want to keep you.”
He rests his hands on his hips. “Now Lily had me believing you were the kind of girl who was always up for anything.”
“She talks about me?”
“All the time.”
I look back at my son and then at Dan. “Okay, I’ll go. How can I resist your offer when you made it sound so pleasant.”
He laughs, tossing his head back, and I see why my friend fell in love with him. His laughter is rich and, most importantly, real.
“Just let me go tell Jackson.”
Dan pats me on the back. “I’ll wait in the truck for you.”
Jackson shakes his head as I approach. “I’m sorry you had to see that, Mom.”
“Oh no, it’s fine.” I scratch my head, wondering how much I should tell my son, but I’m learning honesty goes a long way. “I know who he dumped over the fence, and it’s a bit comforting to see that he’s no longer here.”
“This doesn’t happen often,” he says, waving a finger toward the hog pen.
“You don’t have to explain.”
“But I do. I want you to feel safe here. We only take out the bad ones.”
I place my hand on his shoulder. “I know, Jackson. I do feel safe here.”
“Good. I’m glad.”
I glance over my shoulder when the truck starts. “Um, Dan and I are going to take a drive and talk.” It makes me laugh for some reason. I never dreamed I’d have so many people to converse with. “He’s raving about your local coffee and donuts.”