Chapter 59
fifty-nine
Tristyn
Hi.”
I never thought I would see Jeremy standing outside my door again. Honestly, after the police station, I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. I thought it was time to close the book on that chapter of my life.
But here he is.
Standing in front of me like a nervous schoolboy. His hands are resting deep in his front pockets, and he’s rocking on his heels.
He has a small smile on his face. A smile I never thought I’d see again.
I’ve missed him.
“Hi,” I reply.
There’s a part of me that feels like I’m dreaming.
“Ouch,” I mumble as I pinch myself, but he doesn’t disappear. Instead, his smile is taken over by concern.
“Did you just pinch yourself?”
“I didn’t know if I was dreaming.”
“Can I come in?” he asks, motioning through the door.
“Yeah, of course, sorry.”
I step aside and give him enough space to get in. I shut the door behind us and wrap my arms around my chest.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past week,” he begins.
“I was really angry after Thanksgiving, and I didn’t hate you, God, I wish I did, but I had a lot of anger that I was carrying toward you, and because of that, I didn’t really have it in me to ask myself what I would’ve done in your shoes. ”
He leans against the kitchen island.
“And truth is, I still don’t know what I would’ve done because I wasn’t in your shoes. I could never understand the internal battle you were facing when you found out the truth about that night.”
“What are you saying?”
“I don’t know.” His laugh catches in his throat. “All I know is that I miss you.”
I tug on my sweatshirt, bunching it up in my hands, feeling my heart race underneath. I’ve waited for this moment since he walked out the door a couple of weeks ago.
“I had to give my official statement to the police.”
My stomach sinks. I knew that the consequences were going to come from me coming forward. I was thankful that I got to go home and spend more time with Henry while I waited, but now it seems like it’s right around the corner.
“I don’t know what they’ve said to you since you came forward about Andrew, but everything you said, plus what happened last year—”
“What happened last year?” I take a step forward, and he shakes his head.
“Nothing important. Just some stupid shit at a hockey game, it doesn’t matter. All I know is they were able to match his tire marks to the pictures at the scene. They found paint from my car on his and they um, had all your messages.”
The thought of Jeremy seeing any of those messages makes me sick. He felt protective of Henry and me before he knew who Henry’s dad was. He felt protective of us just hearing how shitty Andrew was, and now he’s actually seen it.
“Oh.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that. Any of it. Regardless of the accident, I’m sorry he made you feel as though you had no choices.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not.”
“No, it is. You helped me realize that wasn’t the case.” I tug on my ear as I watch his gaze soften. “Even if it didn’t help things in the end, honestly, it’s probably what led to him showing up on Thanksgiving. It felt good to not let him win for once.”
“How’s Henry?”
“He’s okay.”
I don’t bother telling Jeremy that his leaving has completely destroyed Henry. It’s not his fault, it's mine, so why should he have to carry the weight of it?
“How is he really?”
He knows us too well.
“It’s been hard, but that’s not on you.”
“I shouldn’t have walked out that day.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“I should’ve heard you out.”
“You did.”
“I should’ve tried to figure out where to go from there. I shouldn’t have walked away.”
“Jeremy, I don’t blame you.” I reach out and grab his hand, brushing my thumb along the top of it.
“It was a lot to take in. I should’ve told you the second I found out.
It wouldn’t have been easy, and maybe it still would’ve ended the same way, but maybe it also could’ve prevented a lot of heartbreak. ”
“I don’t want that to be our end.”
“You what?”
My body tenses. I don’t want to jump to conclusions and think this means what I want it to mean.
“I don’t want me walking out on Thanksgiving to be the end.
” He interlocks our fingers. “Tristyn, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around all that news since the night I found out.
When I walked away that night, I planned to never see you again.
I thought I was going to move on with my life and that would be that. ”
There’s a sparkle in his eyes that I never thought I’d see again, especially not when he was looking at me.
“Unfortunately, I can’t just walk away. I love you, and until I started seeing Dr. Nelson, I hated it.
I hated that I loved you and that I felt like I’d never find happiness again.
I hated that in such a short amount of time, you blew into my life and left such an impact that I didn’t even know what to do with myself without you and Henry. ”
“Jeremy, I don’t know how we move past this.” I lick my lips as I squeeze his hand. “Even if you find it in you to forgive me for not telling you the truth the second I knew it, I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself.”
“You don’t need to forgive yourself. I forgive you.
I realized the other day that there was a small part of me that was jealous of O’Connell because it felt as though we’ve always been competing, and then I found out that the two most important things in my life, he had first.” He closes the space between us, grabbing my face between his hands.
“Not that you guys are something to have, I don’t mean it like—”
“I know what you mean,” I whisper.
“And I was angry that he was still going to have the dream I could never have anymore, until I realized he doesn’t.”
“What?”
“For as long as I can remember, playing in the NHL was my biggest dream. Honestly, it was my only dream, and then I met you. I met you and Henry, and we started to become this little family. We became something I never thought I’d have.
And I realized that if I let O’Connell take that from me too, that he’d win whatever fucked up game he’s been playing.
” Jeremy’s thumb runs along my bottom lip.
“I have a new dream now, Tristyn. You and Henry, you’re my dream. ”
“And you’re mine, but—”
He places his finger over my lips, causing me to shut up.
“I love you. I don’t blame you for that night. You did what you thought you needed to do to protect Henry.” He lifts my head so we are eye to eye. “I don’t blame you,” he repeats. “And I sure as hell am not going to lose you.”
I can’t breathe. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I love the man standing in front of me. I love him more than I thought I could, and he loves me… maybe more than I deserve.
He licks his lips and then tilts his head down, pressing his lips to mine. It’s soft and sweet and full of love. It’s everything.
And so is he.